here kitty kitty

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-19 11:34pm

A CAT'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS:

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down
the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the
air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay
in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!"
and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight
guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-04-19 11:46pm

Where did you find those they`re great.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-19 11:50pm

sir red sent them to me. read friendship topic.

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2003-04-19 11:52pm

One of my own: I will not drag my human with me when I go to confront the ghost in the bathroom.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-04-19 11:57pm

ROTFLMAO

Thanks for posting this I needed the laugh

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-20 12:00am

=^_^=

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-04-20 02:43am

I will not join the female human in her scented bubble bath....

You have not seen a cat run until they have upset mom during her bath at the "Wrong Time"....

Sokar · Post by **Sokar** » 2003-04-20 02:49am

LOL, Sweet Tester, this person owns MY cat.........ROFLMAO!!!!!!

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-20 05:35am

I...just...can't...stop...laughing...

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2003-04-20 05:38am

My owner's face is not a bed.

I must convince myself that hair does NOT make good decor.

I must try to remain calm. Must...resist...the urge to run all over the house.......GAH

Water that's not from my owner bathing me = bad.

Furniture are not scratching posts.

Curtains are not trees. They are not to be used to practice climbing.

Post by **Vympel** » 2003-04-20 05:54am

People with insufficient personalities are fond of cats. These people adore being ignored

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-04-20 06:27am

I wonder what a guinea pig's resolutions would be...

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-04-20 06:44am

Thats funny as hell

aphexmonster · Post by **aphexmonster** » 2003-04-20 08:11am

,,,^_^,,,

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-04-20 11:12am

I will remember that my human adheres to a different set of social customs, however backwards they may be. Therefore, no matter how rude it may seem, I shall not stick my asshole withinin easy sniffing distance of my owner's nose.

The next time I'm not pleased, I will make myself feelings known by ignoring my human, and not by pissing all over the couch.

Bleach is not good for me no matter how great a high it I get.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-04-20 11:22am

Vympel wrote:
People with insufficient personalities are fond of cats.

H.P. Lovecraft said the same about dogs.

Then again, he also had an irrational fear of the sea, refused to live in cities without Victorian architecture and preferred Postum over real coffee. Go figure whether he was sane at all.

Back on topic!

I never had a cat, but one of my friends have, and I think those jokes are quite good at describing cats.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-04-20 11:28am

LOL...ah all good ones.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-04-20 11:45am

Gravity is a constant. I will no longer run checks on the 32f/s acceleration curve on a daily basis. Weekly or Monthly basis will suffice....

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-04-20 01:03pm

That thing between my human's legs is not a scratching post.

-shudder-

Xon · Post by **Xon** » 2003-04-20 01:43pm

Enforcer Talen wrote:I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Hmmm, if your using a qwerty keyboard the letter spread is all wrong for that to be a cat walking over the keyboard

Unless its doing acrobats

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-20 01:51pm

maybe the cat was sitting on it. Ive seen my cat do that.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-04-20 01:58pm

now watch this my right rear paw hits the <Ctrl> key my right front paw rests on the <alt> key guess where your report is going if you don't feed me NOW *Left front paw hovers mencingly over <Delete>*

Xon · Post by **Xon** » 2003-04-20 02:33pm

Enforcer Talen wrote:maybe the cat was sitting on it. Ive seen my cat do that.

Even wrong for that, the letters are too spread out over the keyboard. They should be grouped up a lot more.

I've tested it by grabbing my cat's paws and pressing them down on the keyboard

jhygyhghyuyhj

I have however have a fairly small cat, and on average a single paw print will cover ~ 4 keys in a tigh grouping.

But thats a minor nickpick.

Another anoying thing is when the cat walks between the keyboard & monitor and pauses halfway through to clean herself...

Or sleeping on the scanner's scan button while the power is on (floods the computer with requests to start the scanner app)

Or getting cat hair out of the scanner...

Or the can trying to mark(by rubbing the side of her face against it) the top corner of a laptop computer screen while your using it.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-04-20 09:29pm

My cat would never degrade himself to follow those resolutions...

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-04-20 09:39pm

Oh...god...

Oh my...dear...god...

Can't stop...laughing...

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

here kitty kitty

here kitty kitty

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