Stay or Leave?

[GrandMasterTerwynn]

My question is, you find out that your significant other had/was cheating on you. They confess when confronted and promise that it will never happen again. Your family and friends are encouraging you to go into counsoling but stay together. So, would you stay with this person or would you leave them? For that matter, should anyone ever stay with a significant other who has cheated on them?

I would try the counseling thing once. And with children, I might even try it twice. But after that, I'm filing for divorce and mailing copies of the pre-nuptual agreement to my cheatin' spouse and her lawyer so she can't cuckold me, and sue me for everything I've got. But I tend to be a hair more jealous than most people. And for those of you mousing towards the FBI homepage, that's not to say I'm violently jealous. :P But it does make me less forgiving of that particular transgression.

And on the subject of children. If my spouse cheated on me and we had children to look after, then I'd start to have serious doubts about the level of care she has for the kids and their home-life.

But really, your question is sorta vague. Was the marriage in obvious trouble before she cheated? Was this a one-time sort of thing that happened out of the blue?

Hmm, assume that the marrage didn't appear to to be in trouble. You just found out she was cheating when a friend of yours saw her checking into a motel with the guy one evening while you were out of town on business.

In that case, I'd definitely do counseling at least once. If only to find out what the hell was up.

[Pu-239]

Just forgive them.

[Lord Poe]

Easy to say "I'm outta here", but what if you have kids? Do you destroy the family even if your wife is begging you to give her another chance? Condemn them to a life of weekend visitations and multiple simultaneous home addresses and profound mistrust of the other gender?

Yes. Why subject them to the bitterness of a loveless marriage? Kids KNOW when there's something wrong; you can't live a lie for 18 years, after someone's completely destroyed your trust in them. The children would be subject to outbursts and general sniping that "comes out of nowhere".

[InnerBrat]

I would be far less forgiving tif there were kids involved. Kids need stability, and a turbulent marriage can't give that. Better to be happily divorced than unhappily married.

But I'd still forgive one mistake. It's just sex, people!

[Lord Poe]

But I'd still forgive one mistake. It's just sex, people!

No, it's the worst breach of trust a couple could ever face. Putting a dent in your loved one's car is a mistake.

[InnerBrat]

But I'd still forgive one mistake. It's just sex, people!

No, it's the worst breach of trust a couple could ever face. Putting a dent in your loved one's car is a mistake.

Well that depends on whether you asked to borrow the car, right? Because that's also a breach of trust.

[Queeb Salaron]

My philosophy is this: If my girlfriend is going to be happier with someone else, then by all means she should be with that person. So if she cheated on me because she wasn't happy with me anymore (knock on wood) then I'd let her go.

In fact, there are few situations where I could consider taking my girlfriend back after she's cheated on me. It's a breach of trust, and I think that's most important.

[Darth Wong]

Easy to say "I'm outta here", but what if you have kids? Do you destroy the family even if your wife is begging you to give her another chance? Condemn them to a life of weekend visitations and multiple simultaneous home addresses and profound mistrust of the other gender?

Yes. Why subject them to the bitterness of a loveless marriage? Kids KNOW when there's something wrong; you can't live a lie for 18 years, after someone's completely destroyed your trust in them. The children would be subject to outbursts and general sniping that "comes out of nowhere".

I notice you're assuming that it's impossible to patch it up afterwards, even if both parties want to. I never said that a couple should stay together even if they hate each other. I said you should give someone another chance.

[Darth Fanboy]

Easy to say "I'm outta here", but what if you have kids?

We'll I aint having any, problem solved.

[Enforcer Talen]

Easy to say "I'm outta here", but what if you have kids? Do you destroy the family even if your wife is begging you to give her another chance? Condemn them to a life of weekend visitations and multiple simultaneous home addresses and profound mistrust of the other gender?

burn that bridge when I come to it.

[Uraniun235]

Shit, there's a lot of jealous and bitter people here.

If I loved the woman I'd definitely be willing to try and work things out. Of course, I think it really depends, too. If she just had a weekend fling I probably wouldn't care as much as if, say, it had been a year-long romance.

But I hardly think it's at all fair or rational to hold to an absolute rule that demands immediate breakup on the first hint of cheating. That's Biblical thinking, folks.

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

If it's just the two of you (no dependents) leave. Unless you and your SO agreed from the beginning that it would be an open-ended relationship, your SO has already deceived you. No promise from them can guarantee they won't do the same thing again.

When there are dependents involved... that's more complicated. I won't even try to offer advice on that, except to say that I left. What you (hypothetically or not) will do... your call.

Let me also tell you that the situation from which I draw my perspective of this question may be a little too personal to seem fair to anyone else. I can't entirely help that.

[Enforcer Talen]

Shit, there's a lot of jealous and bitter people here.

If I loved the woman I'd definitely be willing to try and work things out. Of course, I think it really depends, too. If she just had a weekend fling I probably wouldn't care as much as if, say, it had been a year-long romance.

But I hardly think it's at all fair or rational to hold to an absolute rule that demands immediate breakup on the first hint of cheating. That's Biblical thinking, folks.

no, its my thinking. I would never trust her after that. I thus have no reason to maintain contact.

and not first hint, either. I demand proof before I hurt myself like that.

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

Shit, there's a lot of jealous and bitter people here.

If I loved the woman I'd definitely be willing to try and work things out. Of course, I think it really depends, too. If she just had a weekend fling I probably wouldn't care as much as if, say, it had been a year-long romance.

But I hardly think it's at all fair or rational to hold to an absolute rule that demands immediate breakup on the first hint of cheating. That's Biblical thinking, folks.

no, its my thinking. I would never trust her after that. I thus have no reason to maintain contact.

and not first hint, either. I demand proof before I hurt myself like that.

That's a good point -- we're not talking about going off the handle over a mysterious phone call here. We're talking about full and willing confession of extracurricular nookie. Although you have to be careful, if you've been cheated on before, not to jump to conclusions with future partners when that Mysterious Phone Call does pop up.

[Enforcer Talen]

god save me from paranoia.

[Lord Poe]

I notice you're assuming that it's impossible to patch it up afterwards, even if both parties want to. I never said that a couple should stay together even if they hate each other. I said you should give someone another chance.

Ah. Well, I'm going by how I'd react. If someone betrays my trust on so deep a level, then I'm out of the relationship. Period.

[Durandal]

Well, if she confessed to me and asked for a second chance, I'd say something along the lines of, "You're a human, and humans make mistakes. I'll give you a second chance, but if it happens again, we're through, and I won't hesitate at all."