Suggestions?

Vertigo1 · Post by **Vertigo1** » 2003-04-20 10:24pm

Alright, I'm sure some of you already know about my problem with the local JW's, but for those of you that don't, I'll fill you in.

About a few months ago, a couple of JW's dropped by wanting to come in and start preaching to me. I told them, and I quote: "No thanks, I'm an athiest." They seemed like a nice couple. They went on their way without another word. (they didn't seem to take offense to it) However, since that happened they've been showing up every other week trying to 'save' me. :rolleyes: After a month, I decided to have a little fun with them so everytime they dropped by, I would act like a complete lunatic. One time I acted like the "typical southener" and invited them into the backyard (bloody butcherknife in hand...and no, it wasn't real blood) to field-dress a stray cat. I swear, I've never seen two people run so fast in my life.

About a month later, I saw the same two pull up so I answered the door naked as a jaybird.

That time, they did call the police and claimed that I exposed myself to them. (The front door isn't visible to the road so I'm well within my right to do it according to US laws) The officer thought it was funny as hell, and just got back in his car and drove off. That only pissed them off, so then they started coming every week. I put a stop to that for a while by greeting them with my dad's 20-guage shotgun in their faces.

(un-loaded of course, but they didn't know that) That stopped them for about a month and a half. The other day, they started showing up again trying to 'save' me.

Anyone have any ideas to fuck with their minds?

(I figured this would be the appropriate place to post this.)

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-20 10:30pm

Ask them to join you in praying to Baal.

God Emperor · Post by **God Emperor** » 2003-04-20 10:35pm

Try to convert them to the Order of Dagon.

Vertigo1 · Post by **Vertigo1** » 2003-04-20 10:40pm

Now if only they would come at night....

I'd mount a black light just above the doorframe and put a few drops of UV reflective dye in my eyes.

They'd probably freak out for a second.

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-20 10:44pm

Tell them that they're right, and that you are saved, and collapse on the ground and submit to a fit of "convulsions from Jesus." Continue it for as long as it takes them to call an ambulance, and then when the paramedics show up, calmly stand up and walk back into the house and close the door behind you.

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2003-04-20 10:46pm

Have a couple of friends with you, one male and one female. Answer the door, then have the female come up and start rubbing up against you and you her. After she's been there for a while, have the male come up and join in.

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-04-20 11:00pm

Have you tried answering the door holding a the centerfold of Hustler and madly masturbating?

Or having sex with your gf while answering the door?

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2003-04-20 11:52pm

Try lining up a strobe light to shine in their faces when you answer the door.

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2003-04-20 11:54pm

Real simple. As soon as you open the door begin handing them pamphlets about the Great Lord Cthulhu and asking them to give you money. Once they bug out keeping following them and trying to hand them pamphlets; follow them as long as necessary.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-20 11:57pm

Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath!

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-04-21 12:26am

Fangs really help, trust me.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-04-21 12:27am

One word: rottweiler.

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-04-21 12:28am

Darth Wong wrote:One word: rottweiler.

They work...though crashing at a friends house and waking up to his pondering whether I was lunch or not was not pleasant.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-04-21 12:40am

OK, on a more practical note, try contacting the police to find out whether it would be effective to put a sign on your door saying:

No Jehovah's Witnesses
Violators will be Charged with Trespassing

If you could actually charge them, this could potentially be quite effective.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2003-04-21 12:41am

Answer the door with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a knife or blunt instrument in the other. Be sure to wear a very disheveled white t-shirt or dago-t, and wear no pants. I'd say that you should probably wear a plain pair of boxers or briefs. If you can manage a six-o'clock shadow, so much the better. Chewing on a lit cigar or cigarette would really enhance the image. When they give you their pitch, act very surly. Don't be overtly threatening, but make sure they know you're not in the mood.

In the middle of their pitch, start thinking about sex. Try very hard to get a decent erection. When it begins showing through your boxers or briefs (boxers would work better, especially if it pokes through), eye the woman of the couple, smile and say, "You're awful purty. Wanna ... come inside?"

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-04-21 12:42am

Another tactic I just remembered: offer to speak with them about their religious beliefs ... AT THEIR HOMES.

In other words, they must give you their home phone numbers and addresses. Point out that it's no more of an invasion of privacy than what they're doing to you, and ask for permission to drop by their houses any time without warning.

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-04-21 12:46am

Aw, fuck it. Next time they come over, just beat the crap out of them. Knock them unconscious and put a knife in their hand, that way it will look like self defense.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-04-21 12:47am

Hand them a card that says:

"To talk with the great Master of the Universe(uh, that's you by the way) you must pay $50 per 5 minutes. If you do not you will be charged with theft and be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-04-21 12:50am

Its illegal for adults to go door to door in my town

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2003-04-21 01:15am

I've heard that saying you're Catholic works. Boring, but if it works....

Either that, or piss yourself while they harangue you? Vomit?

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-04-21 02:12am

Could just answer the door with some old-school Black Sabbath blaring.

Lord of the Farce · Post by **Lord of the Farce** » 2003-04-21 02:44am

I have no idea how effective it would be on people as oblivious as persistent JW, but if you're good at keeping a straight face one tactic is to just stare at whichever one that isn't talking to you at the moment, and keep an unnatural smile on your face. If you can pull it off right, you'll creep people right out with that.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-21 02:59am

Lord of the Farce wrote:I have no idea how effective it would be on people as oblivious as persistent JW, but if you're good at keeping a straight face one tactic is to just stare at whichever one that isn't talking to you at the moment, and keep an unnatural smile on your face. If you can pull it off right, you'll creep people right out with that.

lmao, thats brilliant. and I own all the hawk and fisher series. good sig, good series.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-04-21 02:59am

If you want to go for the "creep them out" angle, just grab your camera and start snapping pictures of them. Don't say a word; just take pictures. Walk around them and take pictures from all angles. And then say "thank you" and close the door. At this point, walk over to the front window and stand inside it, staring at them until they leave.

When they get to the end of your street, get in your car and drive along the road slowly, following them. Keep the radio on so you don't get too bored, and maybe bring a magazine or two. If they come up to your car, just put it in "park" and read your magazine and pretend not to notice them. When they finally go away, start following them again.

I would defy any JW not to get creeped out by this.

Crown · Post by **Crown** » 2003-04-21 03:09am

This stuff is briliant!