The EVIL of masturbation

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-21 09:17am

1) sorry if this has been done before. It's a bit hard to get meaningful results on 'masturbation' on this board

2) I'm almost certain this is a spoof site. Gods help us all if it isn't.

Anyway, without further ado, I present:

Americans for Purity

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-21 09:21am

Correction: Definitely IS a spoof site. Has a link to Dihydrogen monoxide on the links page.

Cyborg Stan · Post by **Cyborg Stan** » 2003-04-21 09:25am

Kinda been done before. It's on SD.net's Creationism vs Science Links page, and has been for quite some time given that that section of the website hasn't been updated for well over a year.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-04-21 09:26am

the links page on weirdo site wrote:21) The folks at Landover Baptist Church seem to have their hearts in the right place most of the time. It's too bad they're Baptist.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-21 09:39am

Cyborg Stan wrote:Kinda been done before. It's on SD.net's Creationism vs Science Links page, and has been for quite some time given that that section of the website hasn't been updated for well over a year.

**checks**

Oh crap.
Bad me. OK, we ca discuss this or let it die.

I'll go sit in the corner....

BrYaN19kc · Post by **BrYaN19kc** » 2003-04-21 09:44am

"Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin."

ROFL! A gateway sin to what? Multiple orgasam???

That page is way too entertaining and if it was serious, I feel very sorry for the person who created it.

Although my partner and I seldom practice that particular excerise in the solo mode, mutual masterbation can be a real turn on.

Who in the hell ever came up with the word "masterbation?" What a YUK word. Must pull up my Oxford Dictionary.

victorhadin · Post by **victorhadin** » 2003-04-21 10:27am

Consider that 'mastication' is another word for 'chewing'.....

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2003-04-21 10:44am

Very amusing. The hate mail page was particularily enjoyable.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-04-21 11:42am

BrYaN19kc wrote:"Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin."

ROFL! A gateway sin to what? Multiple orgasam???

Turning away from God, murder, etc. Duh.

It's like pot is a gateway drug to heroic, coke, and other harder drugs.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-21 02:06pm

Who cares if it's a parody or not? It's still a riot!

Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.

3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.

4) Why doesn't the Bible explicitly say that Masturbation is wrong?

Have you ever read a book on Etiquette? Did it explicitly say that it's bad manners to Masturbate at the dinner table? Of course not! Why? Because everyone knows not to Masturbate at the dinner table! And in Biblical times everyone knew that God hates Masturbation, so they didn't have to be told

5) Where is this Lake Of Fire you keep talking about? The Bible doesn't say anything about a Lake Of Fire! And if there really is a Lake Of Fire, wont it be just a huge party with me and Satan Masturbating together forever?

6) What about Nocturnal Emissions? Wouldn't they cause false positives on your Urine tests?

I wouldn't exactly call it a "false" positive, since Nocturnal Emissions only happen in men and boys who have dirty minds. Jesus said that when you look at a woman with lust, you have committed Adultery! Besides, who cares about false positives? The Urine tests administered to Military personnel, High School students and Corporate employees give false positives all the time and no one complains! It's the price we have to pay for Justice and Security!

6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.

9. Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating.

3. Kill your television. There is absolutely nothing of value on television. Everyone should be reading their Bibles or working, not watching filth like Baywatch or Star Trek.

YOUR WEBSITE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I WISH I COULD MEET YOU AND YOUR GOD THAT SAYS MASTUBATION IS BAD SO I COULD BLOW A HUGE LOAD OF CUM IN YOUR FACE. I JACK OFF IN YOUR BABY DAUGHTERS MOUTH. ILL STICK MY DICK IN YOUR ASS AND RIP IT OPEN BITCH. IM JACKING OFF RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY DICK UNTILL YOUR WOODEN TEETH FALL OUT AND YOUR TONSILS ARE BRUISED INTO BLOODY PULP. GO SUCK A DONKEYS DICK. I LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL. I WILL TAKE AN ANTI ERECTION RING AND STICK IT INTO YOUR DIRTY HAIRY ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD. FUCKING NAZIS SUCK MY PUNK DICK FUCK GOD

We have advised the One Nation Party (Australia's equivalent to the Republican Party) that the best ways to cut down on Masturbation in Australia are to quit referring to the place as "Down Under," so that the phrase isn't constantly in everyone's mind, and to spike the vegemite with a drug such as venlafaxine or sertraline that makes Masturbation difficult and unrewarding. Good luck, mate!

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-04-21 04:02pm

BrYaN19kc wrote:"Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin."

ROFL! A gateway sin to what? Multiple orgasam???

Certainly not for us males.

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-04-21 04:34pm

DPDarkPrimus wrote:
BrYaN19kc wrote:"Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin."

ROFL! A gateway sin to what? Multiple orgasam???
Certainly not for us males.

Correction: a few of us can do that...

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-21 04:35pm

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:
BrYaN19kc wrote:"Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin."

ROFL! A gateway sin to what? Multiple orgasam???
Certainly not for us males.
Correction: a few of us can do that...

Coming again is NOT a multiple, y'know...

Baron Scarpia · Post by **Baron Scarpia** » 2003-04-21 04:38pm

I agree, masturbation is evil. That's why I seek out the services of hot guys instead.

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-04-21 04:55pm

Baron Scarpia wrote:I agree, masturbation is evil. That's why I seek out the services of hot guys instead.

You're gay too? W00tx0r.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-21 05:03pm

ah, damn, Im going to hell.

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-04-21 05:25pm

Enforcer Talen wrote:ah, damn, Im going to hell.

Hell does not exist.

Oh, wait. Yes it does. It's called New Orleans. Remember, when you come see me, I live on the *other* side of the River Styx (Mississippi). And no, you don't have to take the ferry.

Exonerate · Post by **Exonerate** » 2003-04-21 06:19pm

Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Not to mention that practically all people masturbate...

aphexmonster · Post by **aphexmonster** » 2003-04-21 07:30pm

Oh you bastard, i just posted this too ;_;

aphexmonster · Post by **aphexmonster** » 2003-04-21 07:37pm

The hate mail is the best

Angry guy wrote:YOUR WEBSITE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I WISH I COULD MEET YOU AND YOUR GOD THAT SAYS MASTUBATION IS BAD SO I COULD BLOW A HUGE LOAD OF CUM IN YOUR FACE. I JACK OFF IN YOUR BABY DAUGHTERS MOUTH. ILL STICK MY DICK IN YOUR ASS AND RIP IT OPEN BITCH. IM JACKING OFF RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. GO SUCK A DONKEYS DICK. I LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL. I WILL TAKE AN ANTI ERECTION RING AND STICK IT INTO YOUR DIRTY HAIRY ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD. FUCKING NAZIS SUCK MY PUNK DICK FUCK GOD

That is gold...

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-21 07:48pm

aphexmonster wrote:The hate mail is the best

Angry guy wrote:YOUR WEBSITE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I WISH I COULD MEET YOU AND YOUR GOD THAT SAYS MASTUBATION IS BAD SO I COULD BLOW A HUGE LOAD OF CUM IN YOUR FACE. I JACK OFF IN YOUR BABY DAUGHTERS MOUTH. ILL STICK MY DICK IN YOUR ASS AND RIP IT OPEN BITCH. IM JACKING OFF RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. GO SUCK A DONKEYS DICK. I LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL. I WILL TAKE AN ANTI ERECTION RING AND STICK IT INTO YOUR DIRTY HAIRY ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD. FUCKING NAZIS SUCK MY PUNK DICK FUCK GOD
That is gold...

I already posted that quote in this thread, you know. That's twice you said something that's already been said.

Anyway, there are non-parody sites that are almost as bad as that one.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-04-21 07:56pm

innerbrat wrote:
Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote: Certainly not for us males.
Correction: a few of us can do that...
Coming again is NOT a multiple, y'know...

Thanks for clearing that up.

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-04-21 08:58pm

If it is true that masturbation is evil, then I am an Apostate of Hell.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-04-21 08:59pm

innerbrat wrote:Oh crap.
Bad me. OK, we ca discuss this or let it die.

Oh well ...

I'll go sit in the corner....

Yes, go stay in the corner. Bent over a chair. With your skirt hiked up

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-04-21 09:03pm

Darth Wong wrote:
innerbrat wrote:Oh crap.
Bad me. OK, we ca discuss this or let it die.
Oh well ...
I'll go sit in the corner....
Yes, go stay in the corner. Bent over a chair. With your skirt hiked up

Dammit, Mike! Are you trying to bring on Armaggedon?!