The EVIL of masturbation

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-04-21 09:05pm

Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:
innerbrat wrote:Oh crap.
Bad me. OK, we ca discuss this or let it die.
Oh well ...
I'll go sit in the corner....
Yes, go stay in the corner. Bent over a chair. With your skirt hiked up
Dammit, Mike! Are you trying to bring on Armaggedon?!

Bring it on...I can use the vacation.

Anarchist Bunny · Post by **Anarchist Bunny** » 2003-04-21 09:18pm

Well, I'm going to hell, I can get off in one sitting more than some guys I know can in a week.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-21 09:27pm

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Enforcer Talen wrote:ah, damn, Im going to hell.
Hell does not exist.

Oh, wait. Yes it does. It's called New Orleans. Remember, when you come see me, I live on the *other* side of the River Styx (Mississippi). And no, you don't have to take the ferry.

then Im safe!

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-21 09:28pm

Darth Wong wrote:
innerbrat wrote:Oh crap.
Bad me. OK, we ca discuss this or let it die.
Oh well ...
I'll go sit in the corner....
Yes, go stay in the corner. Bent over a chair. With your skirt hiked up

hey! its my birthday! if thats going to happen, you have to wait for yours!

Grand Admiral Thrawn · Post by **Grand Admiral Thrawn** » 2003-04-21 09:40pm

This site is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation.

I know! Screw deseases, masturbation is deadly...er, wait....

Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking.

Worse then lung cancer?

Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Which is far more serious then the smoking, which only causes minor symptons, like death...

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!

So? There are millions of people RIGHT NOW wasting their time. I'm wasting my time typing this reply. BAN THE INTERNET!

Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

So? God likes to kill millions with big rainstorms.

Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

And yet you say 95% of people masturbate. So your conclusion is flawed. That's like saying being Chineese leads to crime, since China probably has a lot more criminals then most countries...

Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry.

Probably because such laws could be easily ignored.

Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.

You must be the grand king of idiots. That means 19/20 Americans masturbate. That can be defined pretty much as everyone...

aphexmonster · Post by **aphexmonster** » 2003-04-21 11:54pm

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:
aphexmonster wrote:The hate mail is the best

Angry guy wrote:YOUR WEBSITE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I WISH I COULD MEET YOU AND YOUR GOD THAT SAYS MASTUBATION IS BAD SO I COULD BLOW A HUGE LOAD OF CUM IN YOUR FACE. I JACK OFF IN YOUR BABY DAUGHTERS MOUTH. ILL STICK MY DICK IN YOUR ASS AND RIP IT OPEN BITCH. IM JACKING OFF RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. GO SUCK A DONKEYS DICK. I LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL. I WILL TAKE AN ANTI ERECTION RING AND STICK IT INTO YOUR DIRTY HAIRY ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD. FUCKING NAZIS SUCK MY PUNK DICK FUCK GOD
That is gold...
I already posted that quote in this thread, you know. That's twice you said something that's already been said.

Anyway, there are non-parody sites that are almost as bad as that one.

actually i think im in the 10s with that >_> ... today just isn't my day .. belive me.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-22 10:12am

Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:
innerbrat wrote:Oh crap.
Bad me. OK, we ca discuss this or let it die.
Oh well ...
I'll go sit in the corner....
Yes, go stay in the corner. Bent over a chair. With your skirt hiked up
Dammit, Mike! Are you trying to bring on Armaggedon?!

How, exactly, is that going to bring opn Armageddon?

Think carefully before you reply.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2003-04-22 01:35pm

I see visions of militant womens rights campainers knocking down Wongs door and conficating his porno collection. Kinda like the opening scenes of Hackers.

Baron Scarpia · Post by **Baron Scarpia** » 2003-04-22 01:41pm

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Baron Scarpia wrote:I agree, masturbation is evil. That's why I seek out the services of hot guys instead.
You're gay too? W00tx0r.

Yes indeed. And I whack off all the damn time. I'm aiming for the deepest regions of Hell. Time to go beat a few nuns!

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-04-22 01:57pm

Baron Scarpia wrote:
Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Baron Scarpia wrote:I agree, masturbation is evil. That's why I seek out the services of hot guys instead.
You're gay too? W00tx0r.

Yes indeed. And I whack off all the damn time. I'm aiming for the deepest regions of Hell. Time to go beat a few nuns!

Well when you come to see me in Hell, make sure you go to the Superdome and watch a Saints game, or if you're forty days before Easter, watch out for parades!!! If you come in the summer, that's when it's hottest here...

BTW I live on the *other* side of the River Styx from Hell proper. Yes there's a ferry, no you don't have to use it. There's a giant bridge.

EDIT: Funny thing is, there's a _LOT_ of Churches here in Hell...

EDIT2: Hell from space:

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-04-22 02:24pm

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Enforcer Talen wrote:ah, damn, Im going to hell.
Hell does not exist.

Oh, wait. Yes it does. It's called New Orleans. Remember, when you come see me, I live on the *other* side of the River Styx (Mississippi). And no, you don't have to take the ferry.

Are you high?! New Orleans is not Hell.

Buffalo is. I want to see some people deny this fact.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-04-22 02:33pm

Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:
innerbrat wrote:Oh crap.
Bad me. OK, we ca discuss this or let it die.
Oh well ...
I'll go sit in the corner....
Yes, go stay in the corner. Bent over a chair. With your skirt hiked up
Dammit, Mike! Are you trying to bring on Armaggedon?!

Now we must ask ourselves this...

Is armaggedon worth it?

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-04-22 02:36pm

Captain_Cyran wrote: Now we must ask ourselves this...

Is armaggedon worth it?

Of course

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-22 02:45pm

Exonerate wrote:
Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.
Not to mention that practically all people masturbate...

Fuck it. If God wanted us to not masturbate, he would have given us clomipramine* glands in our mouths.

*for those of you not in the know, clomipramine is known to sometimes cause orgasms in people who take it, when they yawn.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-22 03:29pm

closet sci-fi fan wrote:
Lagmonster wrote:*for those of you not in the know, clomipramine is known to sometimes cause orgasms in people who take it, when they yawn.
*spends next half-hour trying to yawn*

Happens to about 5% of those who take it, sorry. But apparently even if you force a yawn you can orgasm on this particular anti-depressant. Makes me almost wish I wasn't so damn happy.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2003-04-22 05:31pm

Lagmonster wrote:
closet sci-fi fan wrote:
Lagmonster wrote:*for those of you not in the know, clomipramine is known to sometimes cause orgasms in people who take it, when they yawn.
*spends next half-hour trying to yawn*
Happens to about 5% of those who take it, sorry. But apparently even if you force a yawn you can orgasm on this particular anti-depressant. Makes me almost wish I wasn't so damn happy.

Damn they put me on the wrong happy pills, fuck lithium i'm asking my doctor for that stuff. Brings a new reality to the term happy pills.

Baron Scarpia · Post by **Baron Scarpia** » 2003-04-22 05:32pm

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Baron Scarpia wrote:
Einhander Sn0m4n wrote: You're gay too? W00tx0r.

Yes indeed. And I whack off all the damn time. I'm aiming for the deepest regions of Hell. Time to go beat a few nuns!
Well when you come to see me in Hell, make sure you go to the Superdome and watch a Saints game, or if you're forty days before Easter, watch out for parades!!! If you come in the summer, that's when it's hottest here...

BTW I live on the *other* side of the River Styx from Hell proper. Yes there's a ferry, no you don't have to use it. There's a giant bridge.

Bah, I've been to N.O., it's not so bad. However, the rest of the state...

My brother went to grad school at LSU in Baton Rouge, and I swear, that is one awful place. Louisiana is the armpit of the United States.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-22 05:37pm

Keevan_Colton wrote:
Captain_Cyran wrote: Now we must ask ourselves this...

Is armaggedon worth it?
Of course

Well, armageddon has already come, as in "I'm "armaggedon" it on with her!" *smack*

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-22 05:56pm

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:
Keevan_Colton wrote:
Captain_Cyran wrote: Now we must ask ourselves this...

Is armaggedon worth it?
Of course

Well, armageddon has already come, as in "I'm "armaggedon" it on with her!" *smack*

I'm sorry, is this still me we're talking about here?

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-04-22 06:06pm

innerbrat wrote:I'm sorry, is this still me we're talking about here?

Uhhhh....are we? I dunno.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-22 08:16pm

innerbrat wrote:
Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:
Keevan_Colton wrote: Of course

Well, armageddon has already come, as in "I'm "armaggedon" it on with her!" *smack*
I'm sorry, is this still me we're talking about here?

Well, what else is there to talk about? A topic about a satirical site can only go on so long before people lose intrest.

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-04-22 08:20pm

innerbrat wrote:
Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:
Keevan_Colton wrote: Of course

Well, armageddon has already come, as in "I'm "armaggedon" it on with her!" *smack*
I'm sorry, is this still me we're talking about here?

I think they're talking about my persistent and dedicated efforts to hasten the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse through my flagrant and violent... "evil."

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-23 01:54pm

I wrote the fuckers an email... I'll keep you all posted on the response, but here's what I wrote:

Last time I checked, God hadn't struck anyone down for masturbating, ever. You admit as much on your site. How does it follow, then, that masturbating is morally wrong? The claim is unfounded and illogical.

If anything, the bible reference you made was evidence that Christians dislike birth control and find all methods of contraception unacceptable. This is all well and good and, the biblical reference backs up that point, but not any claim as to the immortality of masturbation.

You claim that God's law should reign supreme to any set of morals or ethics that man could create. Feel free to believe what you wish, but let me point out to you the logical fallacy behind these beliefs. God has never acted in the interests of man since Creation, or at very least not in the Old Testament to which you cling so tightly. God graced mankind with Free Will, but nowhere in the bible does God allow man to make use of this Free Will without punishing him. In essence, God gave man the means with which to punish himself. God never gives man the chance to right the "wrongs" he has committed. In fact, it is debatable as to whether these "wrongs" are even immoral; after all, God imposed his set of morals upon us. Who is to say that those morals were not, in fact, immoral?

Your God is vengeful and spiteful, or at least he was in his heyday (the Old Testament). But He has not killed anyone for "spilling their seed" in what would seem like thousands of years, has He? Nor has He or anyone else performed a miracle of "water-into-wine" or "healing the blind" proportions. This can be interpreted in one of three ways:

First, that the stories about miracles and the smiting Hand of God were entirely fabricated to begin with, and therefore invalidate any moral claim that Judeo-Christianity could conjure.

Second, if the Hand of God did, in fact, come down and smite the immoral (which science has all but disproven), because He has not done so in some thousands of years, God has stopped meddling in the affairs of humans and therefore has given them free reign to exercize their free will (and therefore has justified things like masturbation). Otherwise, He is confident enough in the righteousness of Man that He is certain that everything they do is morally right in God's eyes, and I doubt very much that you would make such a claim.

Third, because God's Hand has not come down to smite us in several thousand years, it would logically follow that the "sins" that modern society commits are not nearly as terrible as the sins committed by the people in the Old Testament. If masturbation were such a horrible evil as to deserve death by God, and if it is now such a widespread offense, why has God not made an example out of someone by smiting him while in the act of "spilling his seed?" The answer is simple: God does not see masturbation as immoral.

Feel free to respond at this email address: queebsalaron@yahoo.com
I look forward to hearing your rebuttal, and maybe having it posted on your website. Thank you for your time.

Matthew Shaw

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-23 02:11pm

err, isnt this a spoof site?

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-23 03:35pm

Enforcer Talen wrote:err, isnt this a spoof site?

I'd have to say yes, as I don't see why anyone who seriously holds such views would link to Landover Baptist Church, and say liberal viewpoints are a result of masturbation. Many of such people usually died out after the 19th century, and the only good things we got from them were graham crackers (named after the minister who made them, who thought that unhealthy diets led to sexual desire).