Boy-related: Gah! SO CONFUSED!!!!!!

Post by **haas mark** » 2003-05-01 12:59am

I have so not kept up with this thread, but good luck to you (both).

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-05-01 01:11am

IG-88E wrote:For someone who just got turned down, you have a very positive and wonderful attitude, Z. (I wish I could stay that positive after I get turned down.)

I think you're head's in the right place on this one. Give him a little time and maybe things will go your way.

Best of luck,

~ Iggy

Right, I guess we'll see......

Guys, do me a favour and let me know if this is some secret guy language for...something. Is it dumb of me to think this way, that I should just wait for him? Is he just saying no in a nice way? Should I just move on?

I think it's actually kind of dumb for me to ask, since I don't have any control over how I feel about him. I didn't want to be in love with him, but I am in love with him, and am likely to remain so until he 1) does something purposefully hurtful to me, or 2) tells me there's no chance....so the "I'm not ready right now" thing isn't really phasing me. I guess it should, but it isn't.

*shrugs* I love him and want to be with him.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-05-01 01:13am

Zaia wrote:Right, I guess we'll see......

Guys, do me a favour and let me know if this is some secret guy language for...something. Is it dumb of me to think this way? Is he just saying no in a nice way? Should I just move on?

I think it's actually kind of dumb for me to ask, since I don't have any control over how I feel about him. I didn't want to be in love with him, but I am in love with him, and am likely to remain so until he 1) does something purposefully hurtful to me, or 2) tells me there's no chance....so the "I'm not ready right now" thing isn't really phasing me. I guess it should, but it isn't.

*shrugs* I love him and want to be with him.

I doubt it.

Some guys do use it that way, but considering he's just been out of a bad relationship, he is more than likely meaning it, because that's how he feels.

So just wait, and most likely he'll get out of the funk he's currently in.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2003-05-01 01:16am

I honestly don't know, dear.

It's possible that he could just be trying to let you down easy, but also that he really isn't ready for another relationship.

I really don't know what to make of it, but I just hope that maybe it'll all turn around and go the way you want it to.

*hugs*

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-05-01 01:20am

Zaia wrote:Right, I guess we'll see......

Guys, do me a favour and let me know if this is some secret guy language for...something. Is it dumb of me to think this way, that I should just wait for him? Is he just saying no in a nice way? Should I just move on?

The only people I've ever known with secret languages are girls.

But seriously, it sounds like he was telling the truth, which means that you just have to be patient and let things happen.

I think it's actually kind of dumb for me to ask, since I don't have any control over how I feel about him. I didn't want to be in love with him, but I am in love with him, and am likely to remain so until he 1) does something purposefully hurtful to me, or 2) tells me there's no chance....so the "I'm not ready right now" thing isn't really phasing me. I guess it should, but it isn't.

1. It's never dumb to ask questions, it's the best way we learn.

2. I've never met someone who "chose" to be in love. I've known people who chose to be with someone, but those relationships were never what I would call loving (in the 'true love' sense).

3. It's good that this hasn't stopped you cold. You have a pretty solid attitude towards this guy, and the very fact that you aren't giving up on him shows how deep it runs.

*shrugs* I love him and want to be with him.

Hey, if he's as good a guy as you've led us all to beleive, he'll be worth the wait. Just be patient and let things happen, although it might not hurt to give him a little nudge in the right direction now and then.

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-05-01 02:09am

Zaia wrote:Right, I guess we'll see......

Guys, do me a favour and let me know if this is some secret guy language for...something. Is it dumb of me to think this way, that I should just wait for him? Is he just saying no in a nice way? Should I just move on?

I think it's actually kind of dumb for me to ask, since I don't have any control over how I feel about him. I didn't want to be in love with him, but I am in love with him, and am likely to remain so until he 1) does something purposefully hurtful to me, or 2) tells me there's no chance....so the "I'm not ready right now" thing isn't really phasing me. I guess it should, but it isn't.

*shrugs* I love him and want to be with him.

There's no secret guy language per se, IMO just give him a little time and show that you'll be there for him. This will give you a good chance to show off some of your nicer qualities (niceness and the like).

mantakai · Post by **mantakai** » 2003-05-01 03:30am

Im sorry to hear about your loss zaia, but its good to see you havent given up on him yet.

as to a secret guy language, there is no such thing, but what he is sayin about relationships seems to be a common thing. i have a friend at school who broke up like 3 months ago and he still has bad thoughts about the prospect of dating. i think its a romantic thing, the guy sets up the relationship in a big light but is let down so he maintains a bad view of all relationships that the future could hold.

good luck in your pursuit of him, hope he is worth the wait for someone as special as you

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-05-01 05:03am

Z,
I used to be in love with one of my firends who wasn't ready for a relationship, so I stayed his friend, waitring for him. And then I met Rob, and (almost) forgot about the other bloke (who two months later started going out with another friend who I also fancied, that was a confusing time).

So here's what I think you should do - keep being Brians friend as if you never told him - stay the same old fun, lfirty friend you've been. When he's ready or realises what a sexy babe you are, he be yours. On the other hand, you might meet a new sexier, funnier, trumpet playing man first, and Bran will be happy for you.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-05-01 07:44am

-huggles zaia-

Zoink · Post by **Zoink** » 2003-05-01 09:13am

Sorry to hear that it didn't go as you hoped. I've been following the thread, and kinda thought it was just nervousness on his part that was holding him back. I guess its hard to tell, because we are sort of seeing the situation through your eyes, which could be slightly tinted by your feeling towards him (which isn't a bad thing because it would be the same for pretty much anyone in a similar situation, its how these things usually work).

Its hard to tell what he's thinking, there's no secret language that I know of. I know that I got a similar speech from a girl whom I was a good friend with, and in that case it was just an easy way for her to say "no". Honestly, I just wish some people would just say what they're thinking instead of taking the easy "it's not you, it's me" thing... it causes fewer problems (read: headaches) in the long run.

It could also be that he's just not looking for something right now. I did this to a girl in college. We were really good friends, having gone to the prom together and everything. She wrote poems, which she'd share with me, that were obvious attempts to say how she felt. But I was too focused on school, and getting good marks for university. Eventually she moved to another part of the country and we sorta lost touch. In retrospect I was an idiot, because I really didn't have to be so focused on college (it wasn't *that* hard), and for putting her into a situation like yours were she was expressing her feelings without me reciprocating how I felt.

About the only advice I can give is to not focus on the situation too much, just try being friends for a while. If you press the issue with him, like trying to bring up the topic a lot, you run the risk of scaring him off (and driving yourself slowly insane worrying about the situation

) and potentially losing a friend. If he's giving it to you straight, he might just need some time to work things out. It sounds like you're following this already, so I offer the advice as 'moral support' that you're on the right track. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya.

Post by **Rob Wilson** » 2003-05-01 09:45am

Zaia wrote:First off, *kisses Cyran's cheek* Thanks for being a sweetheart, hon.

Ok, so I talked to him tonight on the phone. We were talking about other things, and then he said, "So...I got your email. I'm sorry I didn't write you back about it, but I wanted to talk to you, either in person or over the phone."

Then he told me that now wasn't really a good time for him because he only just got out of a relationship--I was rather surprised at that (since he never mentioned her EVER and she never went out all the times I went out with him, and no one else ever mentioned her, you know, like when he was flirting with me or anything), and said, "Um, you were?!!" So he said, 'Yeah, see, I'm so bad at it, you didn't even know.' Then he went on to tell me how he'd thought about the possibility of us, but then said that he was really, really, REALLY bad at relationships and couldn't do that to me. Apparently he's had bad experiences in the past with friends & dating and it went very badly.

Well you now have two options :
1. Find the time to talk to him about what he thinks went wrong in the others, and see whether there's a chance that could happen with you two - maybe he just needs reassuring that there's a happy future for you two.

2. Continue to be with him as a friend and see if over time he doesn't become more comfortable with the idea of you both as a couple. Don't ignore what happened, don't be uncomfortable about it, and make sure he knows that if he wants a relationship, you're available.

However you handle it, don't pressure him about it, there's no greater turn off than someone constantly going back to a subject you consider covered. Girls seem to think this is cute and that "he'll come around if I keep playfully bringing it up", but it just makes us guys exasperated. And don't act like it never happened, as that can send out some seriously crossed signals "What the hell, one minute she's professing hwer love for me and now nothing? Didn't she mean it? Am i just that low in her opinion she can ignore me now?" etc.

Raise it and discuss it now, but after that you have to play it by ear. I wish I could have heard the whole conversation as I'm having to generalise his reactions here, but as guidelines you should be fine with those two choices above.

Anyway, I wish you the best with brian in the future Zaia, you deserve it.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-05-01 10:40am

Thanks, y'all. I appreciate your kind, supportive words.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2003-05-01 11:56am

Damn Z, it didn't turn out they way you wished. I am sorry. I am glad you are taking it with a grain of salt though. Your right, I doesn't sound like an outright rejection. More like a stall for time (what he is stalling for, I don't know him at all let alone well enough to determine that).

Keep up the friendship because I doubt it will take him years to 'sort out his head', and if you feel the way you do about him later, I am sure he will come around and sweep you off your feet the way you deserve.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-05-01 08:41pm

*Gives Zaia a hug.* Hey, he didn't turn you down exactly. Well, I'm sure things will turn out for the best either way, be it as just friends or as more than that.

Good luck Zaia!

Connor MacLeod · Post by **Connor MacLeod** » 2003-05-02 12:14am

I'm pretty sure that with the right incentive and mention of Zaia's breasts, Rob can cheer her up in no time

Post by **Edi** » 2003-05-02 03:06am

I'm sorry it didn't quite work out yet.

I'll get back to this on Monday, okay?

Edi

Post by **Rob Wilson** » 2003-05-02 08:34am

Connor MacLeod wrote:I'm pretty sure that with the right incentive and mention of Zaia's breasts, Rob can cheer her up in no time

<with that trips Rob and sends her flying into Zaia>

Her? I told you, Daltons the Bitch in our Marriage, I'm the Butch!

CRUCIBLE · Post by **CRUCIBLE** » 2003-05-02 06:46pm

Hey Z. Sorry to hear that.

Nope. No secret laguage. We either tell it directly or we plain lie.

You know him. You know how he acts, what and how he says it to explain something.
You should know it (i guess you know allready

).

BUT, let me put it this. way. I was in a similar situation and i lied, although i am usually the direct type of person (the truth hurts and i like to hurt people

).

And Innerbrat is right, there is always someone more appealing....

P.S. uhh..the last sentence earned me a slap on my head from my GF.
And she thinks that you should let him some time. Maybe he is really trying to overcome his last relationship (hence that much work he is doing?).

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-05-02 09:04pm

Zaia wrote:We talked for about 20 minutes, I guess, and I still have some questions, but for the most part he sounds like he needs to take care of himself. He said something about how he can see himself being single for the next few years, until he gets his head straightened out, but I don't know about that. He's too fabulous to remain single that long.

Guys, do me a favour and let me know if this is some secret guy language for...something. Is it dumb of me to think this way, that I should just wait for him? Is he just saying no in a nice way? Should I just move on?

Sound eerily like me about 9 months before my GF asked me the relationship question. A few months before that I had my heart ripped out by the girl I was dating, and between that, school, and family issues there was no way I could handle a relationship then. Anyways, back to 9 months or so before my GF...a chick I'd been going biking with a lot and was pretty good friends with asked me out and wanted to know if we should start dating, having a relationship and all that. I think we could've made a wonderful couple, and we both knew that, but I had issues to work through and there was no way I could've handled things then.

And so I had to gently break it to her and just tell her the truth as I saw it, the fact that I had issues to work through, my recent history, the fac that she's a wonderful person and all, and the hope that we could still be friends, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. We managed to stay friends and we both moved on with our lives, she wasn't single for long and ended up with another biker boy, and I eventually ended up with my swimmer chick. We barely see each other these days but we get semi-regular phone calls to catch up on things and say "what's up?".

IMO, no secret language as far as I know, and where you go from here is up to you.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-05-03 12:08am

CRUCIBLE wrote:And Innerbrat is right, there is always someone more appealing....

P.S. uhh..the last sentence earned me a slap on my head from my GF.
And she thinks that you should let him some time. Maybe he is really trying to overcome his last relationship (hence that much work he is doing?).

LOL

There's no doubt in my mind that whoever he's been with in the past has seriously messed with his head and that he needs time to figure stuff out; my only concern is whether or not he said that he had thought about us together as a way to soften it for me or if he actually had thought about us together. That concern is really a product of my past relationships and what they've done to my confidence and how I feel about my attractiveness (such as it is) to the opposite sex.

Anyway, I'm going to see him tomorrow for the first time since we talked, so it should be interesting feeling out the situation.

aerius, I'm a little afraid it might be very much like the predicament you were in. I guess we'll see. Thanks for sharing your story, though. It's nice that it has a happy ending, with both you and that girl finding other people to be with.

Connor MacLeod · Post by **Connor MacLeod** » 2003-05-03 05:07am

Rob Wilson wrote: Her? I told you, Daltons the Bitch in our Marriage, I'm the Butch!

Don't worry. Somehow I doubt Zaia would object to being stuck between the two of you. <trips Dalton and starts the videocam rolling, walks off whistling innocently>

BTW, didnt I cut your head off in another thread?

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-05-03 05:09am

CRUCIBLE wrote:And Innerbrat is right, there is always someone more appealing....

That's not what I said. I said someone better might come along, or at least, someone nearly as good made infinitely better by his willignness to actuially have a relationship with Zaia.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-05-08 12:03am

Just a little update.... I thought I should tell you how this weekend went, in case any of you are still curious about how things are progressing. I'll keep it short, or try to, anyway.

I saw him on Saturday and Sunday, and things were good. I felt as comfortable with him as I did before I spilled my guts, and he seemed just as at ease. I was worried that he would avoid my physically, but he didn't. He rubbed my back quite a bit, played with my hair, wrapped his arm around my shoulder at one point... At one point I jokingly told him that I was going to quit and that he'd have to find someone to fill my place, so I started listing all the things I do, saying, "You'll need another concert percussionist, baritone player, battery instructor, cadence-writer extrodinairre--" and he cut in with, "And completely spectacular person." He smiled at me shyly and then looked down at the hood of my car, so I tilted my head, shot him the most dazzling smile I had in my arsenal, and told him that I don't charge for that, so he wasn't obligated to find someone spectacular to take my place. We stood around and talked about all kinds of things for a while, and...the whole thing just felt good. I feel like he hasn't ruled me out yet, even though he's working through some rought shit.

So..that's all.

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-05-08 12:12am

Zaia wrote:Just a little update.... I thought I should tell you how this weekend went, in case any of you are still curious about how things are progressing. I'll keep it short, or try to, anyway.

I saw him on Saturday and Sunday, and things were good. I felt as comfortable with him as I did before I spilled my guts, and he seemed just as at ease. I was worried that he would avoid my physically, but he didn't. He rubbed my back quite a bit, played with my hair, wrapped his arm around my shoulder at one point... At one point I jokingly told him that I was going to quit and that he'd have to find someone to fill my place, so I started listing all the things I do, saying, "You'll need another concert percussionist, baritone player, battery instructor, cadence-writer extrodinairre--" and he cut in with, "And completely spectacular person." He smiled at me shyly and then looked down at the hood of my car, so I tilted my head, shot him the most dazzling smile I had in my arsenal, and told him that I don't charge for that, so he wasn't obligated to find someone spectacular to take my place. We stood around and talked about all kinds of things for a while, and...the whole thing just felt good. I feel like he hasn't ruled me out yet, even though he's working through some rought shit.

So..that's all.

My congrats, things look to be going great, I was wondering where this thread had gone.

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2003-05-08 01:16am

That's great news, Zaia.