Weird Shit From The Bible!

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-05-02 12:28am

That's right, this is the place to post the weird shit from the Bible! (I really don't feel like reading the Bible, and anyway I can't right now -- damn 8 pt print, mumble mumble)

I especially want to know where the hell the 1000 iron chariot thing came from, 'cause I missed that part.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-05-02 12:35am

Judges 1:19 - And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-05-02 12:39am

If you want high-test concentrated weird-shit in the Bible, read the Book of Leviticus.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-05-02 12:40am

Not surprisingly, not once was a verse from Leviticus read when I was in Sunday School. Wonder why.

PrinceofLowLight · Post by **PrinceofLowLight** » 2003-05-02 12:54am

Darth Wong wrote:If you want high-test concentrated weird-shit in the Bible, read the Book of Leviticus.

"Of these you may eat: any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper."

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-05-02 01:18am

PrinceofLowLight wrote: "Of these you may eat: any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper."

Nummy.

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-05-02 01:20am

I hear they're actually pretty good... when completely covered in chocolate

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-05-02 01:25am

Crayz9000 wrote:I hear they're actually pretty good... when completely covered in chocolate

I think they're good sources of protein.

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2003-05-02 02:09am

Malachi 2:3 "Behold, for I shall corrupt your seed and spread dung on your faces."
See, Jehovah loves you!

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-05-02 02:10am

neoolong wrote: I think they're good sources of protein.

That's what Mom says... but remember what Mom told you about Santa?

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-05-02 02:25am

DPDarkPrimus wrote:
neoolong wrote: I think they're good sources of protein.
That's what Mom says... but remember what Mom told you about Santa?

That she wasn't having an affair with Santa?

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-05-02 02:51am

neoolong wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:
neoolong wrote: I think they're good sources of protein.
That's what Mom says... but remember what Mom told you about Santa?
That she wasn't having an affair with Santa?

She was lying about that, and she's lying about this too.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-05-02 02:51am

The fucked up justification for Genocide and Rape always sticks in my minde....

Hethrir · Post by **Hethrir** » 2003-05-02 03:47am

Frank Hipper wrote:Malachi 2:3 "Behold, for I shall corrupt your seed and spread dung on your faces."
See, Jehovah loves you!

And when placed a little more in context...

002:001 And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you.

002:002 If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.

002:003 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

Post by **weemadando** » 2003-05-02 03:52am

I'll try and find which book of the Torah specifically stops Jews from eating Griffon. Thats right. Griffon.

Well, at least thats the only animal my friends and I could come up with that fitted the description.

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-05-02 12:42pm

Frank Hipper wrote:Malachi 2:3 "Behold, for I shall corrupt your seed and spread dung on your faces."
See, Jehovah loves you!

So, God is the Master Chef behind the open-faced crap sandwich, eh?

Ignorant_Boy · Post by **Ignorant_Boy** » 2003-05-02 01:52pm

Exodus 20-4
"...You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD you God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the thrd and fourth generation of those who hate him ..."

Perfect, all-loving, forgiving God my ass.

Shadowhawk · Post by **Shadowhawk** » 2003-05-02 02:21pm

As always, this:

Ezekiel 23:20
For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

In other words, they were hung like mules and sprayed like stallions.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-05-04 07:51am

What about the Book of Revelations, which bears a striking resemblance to a LSD trip.

There's also the "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart" bit, which truly is one of the funniest mistranslations I ever have seen.

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-04 07:52am

Yeah, that is sort of like saying "break the hymen of your soul..."

JodoForce · Post by **JodoForce** » 2003-05-04 07:59am

*sigh*

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-05-04 08:00am

Superman wrote:Yeah, that is sort of like saying "break the hymen of your soul..."

I did that once...rued the day i did.

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-05-04 08:22am

weemadando wrote:I'll try and find which book of the Torah specifically stops Jews from eating Griffon. Thats right. Griffon.

Well, at least thats the only animal my friends and I could come up with that fitted the description.

*Homer Simpson voice*Mmmmm. Griffon!

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-05-04 08:54am

Weird shit from the bible? Lets see .......all of it?

Wicked Pilot · Post by **Wicked Pilot** » 2003-05-04 03:26pm

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NLT wrote: If two Israelite men are fighting and the wife of one tries to rescue her husband by grabbing the testicles of the other man, her hand must be cut off without pity