Oil change instructions for women and men

[Durandal]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in the left breast.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands/forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $40.00

Total: $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right.

[Bug-Eyed Earl]

Heheh.

[neoolong]

I'd get mad, except it's true.

[Zaia]

LOL Very cute.

And I thought it was going to be something degrading about women and oil changes....*slaps self on hand* For shame. Coming from Durandal, I should have known he wouldn't even think--no, wait a minute. Huh?

[Ghost Rider]

LOL...ah good one.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

Well, as Red Green once said, "When you have someone else change your car's oil, you don't know if they did a bad job, while if you do it yourself, you do".

[Sea Skimmer]

Well, as Red Green once said, "When you have someone else change your car's oil, you don't know if they did a bad job, while if you do it yourself, you do".

Damn right, I'd rather be screwed by my own shitty work.

[Durandal]

LOL Very cute.

And I thought it was going to be something degrading about women and oil changes....*slaps self on hand* For shame. Coming from Durandal, I should have known he wouldn't even think--no, wait a minute. Huh?

[Crayz9000]

That's not how a man changes oil. That's how a redneck changes oil

If you know what the hell you're doing (and you have the right equipment), changing oil is a piece of cake. You also don't have to worry about someone jamming an ice pick through your brake shoe (yes, that DID happen to one of our cars at a local repair shop.)

Not to mention that you can get better quality oil filters and oil if you do it yourself.

[Nathan F]

That's not how a man changes oil. That's how a redneck changes oil

If you know what the hell you're doing (and you have the right equipment), changing oil is a piece of cake. You also don't have to worry about someone jamming an ice pick through your brake shoe (yes, that DID happen to one of our cars at a local repair shop.)

Not to mention that you can get better quality oil filters and oil if you do it yourself.

I am a redneck, and I change my oil like you described, with the proper equipment and good quality oil and filters.

[Gandalf]

Lol, good comparison.

[Howedar]

Amusing, but obviously inaccurate.

Not to ruin everyones fun, though. It is pretty funny

[Arrow]

My car takes 5w-30. It even says right on fan cover when you open the hood. I use to change my own oil, and got it done in about half an hour with no fuss or mess. The first time I take the car to a shop, I'm sitting around for an hour waiting for the dumbass oil changer (he's not even a mechanic) to do his job. He finally gets done I get the paper work. Guess what? The asshole put in 15w-30! So, now I had to wait for him to do it a second time...

[Nathan F]

My car takes 5w-30. It even says right on fan cover when you open the hood. I use to change my own oil, and got it done in about half an hour with no fuss or mess. The first time I take the car to a shop, I'm sitting around for an hour waiting for the dumbass oil changer (he's not even a mechanic) to do his job. He finally gets done I get the paper work. Guess what? The asshole put in 15w-30! So, now I had to wait for him to do it a second time...

*blink*

Put in 15w-30? Nice way for him to screw up your engine.

Another reason I like to do it myself...

That plus the time we took dad's truck to the Ford dealership to redeem a free oil change and tire rotation, and the idiots didn't tighten the lug nuts all the way, and, when turning a curve, the nuts popped off and 4 of the 5 lugs on the rear passenger wheel broke. Luckily, we were turning into our destination when this happend, so, no unrepairable damage was made, except for buying a new wheel and replacing the lugs.

[Captain Cyran]

Hey, I resemble that remark!!

Wait a minute....

That WAS very funny, and very true though. I got a chuckle from it.

[Hethrir]

Speaking of oil, do you know how many people think you can put Synthetic oil in a Rotary!?

[AdmiralKanos]

I take my car to a local mechanic who has always been fairly trustworthy. Before I found him, I used to use Jiffy-Lube places and stand there watching the guy work throughout the whole process (I'll only use one of those places if they let me stand near the car and watch them work).

Of course, changing my own oil has never been a seriously considered option for two reasons:

1. I'm lazy.
2. You fucking try it in your driveway when it's 10 degrees below zero, with a -20 degree wind chill. If you can't change oil yourself throughout half the year, you need to find a place that will do it for you, and once you've found such a place, why bother?

[Sea Skimmer]

I take my car to a local mechanic who has always been fairly trustworthy. Before I found him, I used to use Jiffy-Lube places and stand there watching the guy work throughout the whole process (I'll only use one of those places if they let me stand near the car and watch them work).

Of course, changing my own oil has never been a seriously considered option for two reasons:

1. I'm lazy.
2. You fucking try it in your driveway when it's 10 degrees below zero, with a -20 degree wind chill. If you can't change oil yourself throughout half the year, you need to find a place that will do it for you, and once you've found such a place, why bother?

And so the might that was humanity designed and crafted the great structure that was to become known as the garage...

[Darth Wong]

And so the might that was humanity designed and crafted the great structure that was to become known as the garage...

Also known as the "heated garage if you have the money".

[Sea Skimmer]

Also known as the "heated garage if you have the money".

Fairly common here, and I'm 400 miles south with a mountain range that takes care of most snowfalls. Anyway, what happened to the Wong who reads books in the snow with short sleeves?

[Darth Wong]

Also known as the "heated garage if you have the money".

Fairly common here, and I'm 400 miles south with a mountain range that takes care of most snowfalls.

I would like to have one.

Anyway, what happened to the Wong who reads books in the snow with short sleeves?

Same guy. But steel at sub-zero temperature is considerably more uncomfortable to handle than a book.

[Durandal]

If you can't change oil yourself throughout half the year, you need to find a place that will do it for you, and once you've found such a place, why bother?

It's not as manly.

[JodoForce]

LOL Durandal, was that you?

Saw my father change the oil when I was little. Wasn't THAT hard

[Durandal]

Nope, it was a funny E-mail I got.

[Captain Cyran]

And so the might that was humanity designed and crafted the great structure that was to become known as the garage...

Also known as the "heated garage if you have the money".

Those exist? Wow, news to me.