this is hilarious

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-05-04 10:02am

if not outright gruesome. read to the end, it made me laugh out loud.

By James Lee Grady
I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I'm a little too hard on myself. It's only natural to want to do the best job you can, but often, I'll get so caught up in the moment that I forget that slaughtering innocent people is supposed to be fun. I really need to stop taking lives so seriously.

When I turned 40, I looked in the mirror and realized that I was probably never going to be the most notorious serial killer who ever lived. That thought really depressed me. But then, one day, I said to myself, if I can leave this world remembered by my victims' loved ones, then I've made a true difference. As much as I know that's true, though, I still lose sight of it from time to time.

Whatever happened to those sunny teenage years, when I could go down to the railroad tracks, sever a dog's vocal cords, and happily hum "The Thieving Magpie" as I slowly skinned him alive? I used to have such a blast doing stuff like that. Every kill was a new adventure. Now, it's more of a grind.

I keep asking myself, if it's not fun, why bother? Why go through the trouble of sneaking into an innocent person's house, smothering him with a chloroform-soaked sofa cushion, and cooking and eating a stew of his intestines if I'm not going to enjoy it? After all, lives are short.

I'm always beating myself up over, "Oh, if only I'd killed one more hitchhiker last month, I could've bought myself that big freezer that holds four adults." Rather than dwell on the missed opportunities, I need to be proud of the people I did kill.

Recently, I've been trying to think more creatively to find new ways to bring back the joy. Here's one idea: After a few hours of torturing a victim, I'd leave the dungeon for a while and "forget" to tighten one of his manacles so he could manage to free himself. Then, just when he thinks he's about to escape to sweet, sweet freedom, he flings open the cellar door to find me standing there wagging my finger, saying, "Tut, tut, tut..." Then I drag him back to the cellar and brutally torture him as punishment for trying to escape. Maybe some fun little project like that is all I need.

I'd also love to pursue my "death match arena" project, in which I cage several receptionists for a week or so with nothing to eat but my feces, and then dose them all with cocaine and make them fight each other for more coke. I'd need at least 100 square feet for that, but I could make room if I consolidate my Pain Lab into just the electrified clamps and soldering irons. And I could make a neat little scoreboard at Kinko's. That'd be a hoot.

You know those silent movies where they tie the girl to the log and send it toward the huge sawblade? Maybe I could do a version of that where the blade moves really, really slow, like an inch an hour. Or I could always go back to kidnapping families and forcing them to act out Jack Chick comics. That was always a blast.

So I guess the lesson here is, it's never too late to rediscover the fun. Yes, there's hope for me yet. I just have to remember to stop and smell the roses before stuffing them into victims' empty eye sockets.

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-05-04 10:11am

You need a shrink thats not funny.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-05-04 10:12am

I have a shrink.

and, jack tracts in the same category as mutilation? that's hilarious!

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-05-04 10:17am

If i wanted to become a serial killer,i would chose to kill those who deserves to die (pedophiles,rapists,other serial killers and mafiosis.)

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-05-04 10:20am

presumably, so would most people.

Hethrir · Post by **Hethrir** » 2003-05-04 10:21am

Seconded: Not very funny.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-05-04 10:40am

Hmm i thought it was alright,a bit mediocre, but ok.

The jack chick comment was the uplifting part of it.

so not bad, but certainly not good.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-05-04 11:26am

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over...

Wicked Pilot · Post by **Wicked Pilot** » 2003-05-04 11:34am

That was fucked up.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-05-04 11:57am

hm. Im in the minority.

I am weird.

-shrugs-

Post by **weemadando** » 2003-05-04 07:57pm

Fucked up, but funny.

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-05-04 08:03pm

Funny and really fucked up, but nowhere as bad as that 'Gunnar' story you posted in BotM. LOL

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-05-04 08:22pm

haha, I remember that.

now *that* story was nutty.

UltraViolence83 · Post by **UltraViolence83** » 2003-05-04 10:25pm

That story sounds like a drama play of my subconsious mind...

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-05-04 10:41pm

Shit, how'd you get ahold of my diary?!

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-05-04 10:45pm

Who the hell is this author?

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-05-04 10:47pm

I don't find that at all funny. More like just stupid.

Captain tycho · Post by **Captain tycho** » 2003-05-04 10:53pm

Howedar wrote:I don't find that at all funny. More like just stupid.

I personally found it revolting.

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2003-05-04 10:58pm

That made me say "Meh."

Rubberanvil · Post by **Rubberanvil** » 2003-05-05 12:06am

I've seen better monologues by depressed serial killers.

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-05-05 04:50am

Well, as I always say on this board, that's some weird shit.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-05-05 07:22am

its theonion, of course.

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-05-05 11:41am

*throws away just-opened bag of Jay's*
There goes my appetite. I mean, what can be more revolting than people acting out Chick tracts?

Baron Mordo · Post by **Baron Mordo** » 2003-05-05 12:07pm

I thought the deathmatch arena had promise. Keep them fighting for crack? Genius.

It reminds me of an idea I had where I pay two bums to fight, and pay a third bum to try and rape whoever goes down first. I'd be videotaping this, of course.

aphexmonster · Post by **aphexmonster** » 2003-05-05 02:55pm

Its like that one green ping pong ball joke, where its funny to the teller, because its long, and pointless, and goes nowhere, and just ends without any kinda comedy. Its funny to him, because he wasted your time.... or isit ?