Joke

[Starscream]

Why did the blonde student have sex with a mexican?






Because the professor told her she had to do an essay.

[Faram]

Giggle

Here is an other one:

Donald Duck finally got Daisy Duck up to his hotel room, but the first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald squawked, "No!" and headed downstairs to find one. In the lobby, he asked the desk clerk if he had any. "Why, yes, we do, Mr. Duck," said the clerk, as he inconspicuously pulled one out of a drawer. "Would you like me to put it on your bill?" "Hell, no!" squawked Donald. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?!"

[Starscream]

<snip>

Lol love Disney jokes, here some political....


Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

[Montcalm]

Giggle

Here is an other one:

Donald Duck finally got Daisy Duck up to his hotel room, but the first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald squawked, "No!" and headed downstairs to find one. In the lobby, he asked the desk clerk if he had any. "Why, yes, we do, Mr. Duck," said the clerk, as he inconspicuously pulled one out of a drawer. "Would you like me to put it on your bill?" "Hell, no!" squawked Donald. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?!"

Good one

[Faram]

"Mommy? How old are you?" asked Little Susie. "That's not something adults like to tell," replied her mother. "Mommy? How much do you weigh?" "That's not something adults like to tell either, honey" she replied. "Well, why did you and daddy get divorced?" "We don't talk about that either, honey," she said, and ended the conversation. The next day, Little Susie talked with a friend about how her mother wouldn't answer her questions. Her friend explained, "Just look in her purse and get her driver's license. It's tells everything, like an adult's report card." That evening, Little Susie told her mother, "Mommy, I know how old you are." "How old?" her mother asked. "47. And I know how much you weigh." "Oh, really?" "Yes. You weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced." "Okay, why is that?" her mom said. Little Susie replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

[Starscream]

Some quickies.....


One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

What did the thirsty whale do?
Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.

[Starscream]

<snip>

lol another funny....


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Faram]

A cowboy, riding a narrow trail, came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. As the horse reared, the cowboy drew his gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on, there, sssssssir," said the snake. "Don't ssssssshoot me. I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll grant you three wishes." Backing safely out of the snake's striking range, the cowboy decided to take a chance. He said, "Okay. First, give me a face like Clark Gable. Second, give me a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger. Finally, make me hung like this horse I'm riding!" The rattlesnake hissed, "It is sssssso. When you arrive back at the bunkhouse, your three wishes will be granted. The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped all the way home. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped off his shirt to reveal bulging, rippling muscles just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's. Really excited, he dropped his jeans, looked down, and shouted, "Sh*t! I was riding the mare!"

[Faram]

Seymour Schwartz was a good, deeply religious man. When he passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates. "Hungry, Seymour?" saith God. "I could eat," replied Seymour. God opened a can of tuna fish and grabbed a loaf of rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and fine wines. Curious but deeply trusting, Seymour remained quiet. The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a meal. Again, he served tuna and rye bread. Once again, Seymour watched the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. And still Seymour said nothing. The following day, another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. "Lord, I led a pious, obedient life and I am grateful to be here in heaven with you as my reward. But all we ever eat is tuna and rye bread, while in Hell they eat like kings! Forgive me, God, I just don't understand..." God sighed. "Let's be honest, Seymour. For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

[Starscream]

Hehe funny all, please nobody be offended at this next one, it's only a joke after all......



Two white men were walking along the beach when they came upon an old bottle. One of the mean uncorked it and a majic djinn cam out, and with a booming voice announced, " You have freed me from the bottle! I with therefore grant you whatever wish you desire, and when you wake up tomorrow morning it will have come true!" With that the Djinn disappeared.

The next morning one of the men woke up in a manson. He wish had come true, for he was now the wealthiest man in the world.

Seeing the first man, the second ran to the mirror and unzipped his pants. Once he saw his rather average size penis he was disappointed. " I guess it didn't work for me", he sighed. Just then he heard a knock on the door. When he went answer it he found three men in white bed sheets. " What do you want?" he asked.

The men replied, " We heard someone here wanted to be hung like a nigger."

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

Two Irish guys were in a raft at sea, when they found a bottle. A genie came out of it and granted them one wish. One of them said "Turn the sea into beer", and his wish was granted: The entire sea was turned into the finest brew on the planet. The other guy said "Look what you did. Now, we have to piss in the boat!"

Did you hear about the Polish hockey team? They drowned during Spring Training.

[Faram]

An Alabama farmer was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man on the railing ready to jump. The farmer stopped his pickup, ran up to the man, and said, "Hey fellow, stop! Why are you doing this?" The man replied, "I have no reason to live." The farmer said, "Think of your wife and children!" "I have no wife or children." "Well, then, think of your parents!" "They died years ago." "Well, then, think of General Robert E. Lee!" "Who?" The farmer gave up. "Jump, you damned Yankee!"

[Ignorant_Boy]

What's the difference between a paycheck and the male reproductive organ?
You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.

How many kind caring decent men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them.

[2000AD]

How many Iraqi Infomation ministers does it take to change a dud lightbulb?
None, the light bulbs working perfectly, can't you see that?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a genies lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out. He tells them that he'll grant them one wish each. "I wish i was back home" says the Englishman and he dissappears in a flash. "I wish i was back home as well" says the scotsman and he dissappears. The Genies turns to the Irishman, who says "Gee i'm lonely, i wish my friends were here."

A man is walking along a beach when he finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears granting him 3 wishes. "I wish for a highway from here all the way to Hawai." he says. "Are you mad!" exclaims the Genie, "This will take all your wishes and will drain me for millenia! can't you think of another wish?" The man thinks for a while and then asks " I wish to understand women perfectly." The genie asks "So this highway, three lanes or four?"

[InnerBrat]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey," died peacefully at the of age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.

[InnerBrat]

A bear and a rabbit find a genie who offers them three wishes each.
The bear goes first: "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female"
The rabbit says "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet
The bear galances sideways at the rabbit and says "I wish all the3 bears in the next forest were female"
The rabbit put on his helmet and syas "I wish I had a motorbike"
The bear laughs at the rabbit's waste and says " I wish all the other bears in the world were female."
The rabbit gets on his motorbike and says: "I wish the bear was gay"

[Faram]

The owner of an adult store went to lunch, leaving his new salesman in charge. Soon a woman entered and asked, "How much for that white dildo?" The clerk answered, "$25." "How much for that black dildo?" "It's also $25." She considered a moment: "I think I'll take the black one; I've never had a black one before." She paid and left. Soon a black woman entered. "How much for that black dildo?" "$25." "How much for that white dildo?" "It's also $25." "I think I'll take the white one; I've never had a white one before." She paid and left. Soon a young blonde entered and asked, "How much are your dildos?" "$25 for the white one; $25 for the black one." "Hmm. How much is that silver one back there?" "Well, that's a very special dildo; $150." She said, "I'll take that silver one; I've never had a silver one before." She paid and left. The boss returned and asked, "So? How was business while I was gone?" The new clerk responded, "Not bad. I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I got $150 for your old Thermos!"

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

A Roman Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street together one day when they spot a 12 year old boy.
The priest gives the Rabbi a little nudge, points to the boy, and says, "Psst. Hey, Rabbi. What do you say we screw that little boy over there?"
The Rabbi nods, "Well, okay -- but screw him out of what?"

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?
The drunk driver speeds right past a stop sign; the stoned driver waits for it to turn green.

Two gay men are walking down the street when they spot a dog licking its own privates. One of them sighs wistfully and says to the other, "I wish I could do that!"
The other thinks for a moment, and replies, "Don't you think you ought to get to know him a little better first?"

Mr. and Mrs. Jones have just gone to bed for the evening, when Mr. Jones begins to crave a little action. He taps Mrs. Jones on the shoulder and gives her a sly smile, to which Mrs. Jones replies, "I'm sorry, dear -- I have an appointment with the gyneocologist in the morning, and I have to stay fresh."
Without a pause, Mr. Jones asks, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, too?"

[NapoleonGH]

A few good ones (if old):

1. Dating IS prostitution, only you dont always get what you pay for.

2. The difference between a lawyer and a whore is that the whore will stop screwing you when you're dead.

By some strange temporal vortex, George W. Bush, Picasso, and Einstein arrive at the gates of heaven simultaneously. St. Peter comes over and says "look guys we have had alot of people pretending to be other more famous people trying to get in, so i have to ask for identification". Picasso is asked first, he realizes that he doesnt have his wallet so he asks for a blackboard and chalk. The blackboard and chalk appear and he draws a wonderfully picassolike drawing. St. Peter looks at it an says "Alright Pablo, come on in". Next comes Einstein who goes to the blackboard, erases picasso's doodles, and proceeds to solve a complex theoretical physics problem relating to reletivity. St. Peter looks at the proof and says "Ok Al, its good to have you here." Peter goes up to Bush and says "Ok, Picasso and Einstein have proven their identities, how are you going to prove yours". bush looks a little dumbfounded and confused and says "Who are picasso and Einstein". St. Peter sighs and says "Ok george, come on in"

[UltraViolence83]

Q:What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?






A:Sparky.

[XaLEv]

Three ducks get arrested. The first one comes into the courthouse, and the judge says "What's your name and what did you do?" The duck says "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the park." The judge says "Well that's not a crime, so you can go." The second duck comes in. The judge says "What's your name and what did you do?" The duck says "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the park." The judge again says "Well that's not a crime, so you can go." The third duck comes in. The judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the park?" The duck says "No, my name is Bubbles..."

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

A woman and her lover are in the midst of passionate lovemaking when the woman's young son bursts into the room.
"Mom! Mom!" he exclaims, "Dad's home early!"

The man panicks, unsure what to do. A car door slams outside. The woman points at her lover, and points at her son, and orders, "You two! Into the closet!" The front door of the house can be heard slamming shut, footsteps coming toward the room.

The boy and the man hide in the closet, and the following whispered conversation takes place:

Boy: "It's dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"I think I'd like to sell my baseball."
*sigh* "How much?"
"$250."
"$250 for a baseball?! Are you insane?"
"My dad's right outside..."
*sigh* "Fine." The money -- and the baseball -- change hands.

Apparently, however, neither the woman nor her lover have learned their lesson, because the the very next day, the same thing happens. The boy rushes into the room all a-panic, Dad comes stomping down the hall toward the bedroom, and into the closet go the boy and the man. The following conversation takes place:

"It's dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball mit."
"I'm sure you do."
"I'd like to sell my baseball mitt."
*heavy sigh* "How much?"
"$750."
"Kid, you're nuts. There's no way I'm giving you $750 for a baseball mitt."
"My dad's right outside..."
*another heavy sigh* "Okay... okay. Fine." The money -- and the mitt -- change hands.

Finally, it appears that the woman and her lover have learned their lesson. The next day, the boy's dad pulls up in the driveway, and sees the boy sitting on the lawn, playing a video game.
"Hey, son!" Dad says, "Why don't you go get your baseball and your mitt, and we'll play a little catch!"
"No can do, Dad."
Dad, a disappointed look on his face, asks, "Why not, son?"
"I sold my baseball and my baseball mitt." the boy says innocently.
"Well... well..." Dad says, flustered. "How much did you get for them?"
"$1,000."
Dad is outraged. "I can't believe you ripped off one of your friends for a thousand dollars!" He grabs the boy by the arm and drags him toward the car. "I'm taking you to church right now! You can confess it to Father Malloy before God!"

When they get to St. Mary's, the boy sits down in the confessional, and the conversation is as follows:

"It's dark in here."
"Oh, now don't start that shit again!"

[XaLEv]

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.

'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'

'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey
fucked a penguin.'

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

On his thirtieth birthday, Butch realizes he's tired of the stress of the corporate world and urban life, and decides that he's going to cash in all his investments, sell his house and his cars, and buy a cabin in the mountains.

Butch goes a year up in his cabin in the woods; he catches up on his reading, writes a novel, and engages in the intellectual pursuits he just didn't have time for in the big city. Things are going fine.

But after awhile, Butch starts to miss people -- after all, his nearest neighbor lives over ten miles away, and he hasn't seen a living soul besides the U.P.S. drivers that deliver his provisions for over a year.

So Butch is pleasantly surprised one Friday afternoon when there's a knock at the door. Standing there is a grizzled, shrivelled, toothless old dwarf of a man.

"Hi!" the old-timer shouts. "I'm yer neebor!"
"Well, uh, nice to meet you." Butch says, shaking the old man's stubbly paw.
"Havin' a party over to my place tonight, reckoned I'd invite ya!" the old man says. "Y'up to it?"
"Hell, yes!" Butch exclaims.
"There's gon' be a whole mess o' drinkin'!" the old man shouts. "Ye like drinkin', boy?"
"Hell, yes!" Butch says, "I can put it away."
The old man looks Butch up and down, slightly worried. "Bound to be some fightin' to, I reckon."
Butch nods. "Don't worry -- I can hold my own."
The old man flashes Butch a toothless grin, and adds, "I reckon by the end o' the night, there's gon' be a whole lot o' fuckin'! Heeee!"
Butch grins. "Well, hell, that sounds great! But, listen: it's been over a year since I've even seen a woman -- how do I impress the girls up here?"
"Shit, thet don't matter!" the toothless, gnarled old gnome scoffs, "ain't gon' be but the two of us!"

[HemlockGrey]

God has decreed that, because Heaven is so crowded, only people who died in tragic ways may enter.

A man appears before the gates, and Saint Peter tells him of the change in policy. The man thinks, then begins to speak.

"So I live on the 23rd floor of my apartment building. I was out on the balcony one day, when I slipped. I grapped hold of the balcony directly below me, and then this crazy guy comes up and throws me off! I survived the landing, but then he tossed a refrigerator on me!"

Saint Peter thinks, and then he allows the man in. Another man appears, is informed of the policy change, and thusly relates his story:

"So, when I was at work, one of my coworkers told me that my wife was cheating on me. So I stormed home to my apartment and caught my wife naked in bed. The guy is trying to climb down the balcony; in my rage I threw him off. But in a fit of insane strength, I also ripped the refrigator from the ground and tossed it on him. But the refrigator carried me off the balcony, and I plummeted twenty-two floors to my death."

Saint Peter allows him in, and then another man appears, shivering. After being informed of the change in policy, he says;

"Picture this: I'm naked, in a refrigator..."