Joke

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-05-16 09:09pm

This one's for Dalton:

A charter bus full of Catholic priests inexplicably stalls at a railroad crossing and is hit by a passenger train from Utah. Naturally, every priest on the bus is killed.

They find themselves standing at the Pearly Gates, while St. Peter processes their paperwork. A great deal of time goes by. The priests are beginning to grow impatient.

Suddenly, another man arrives at the Pearly Gates; in comparison to their crisp, priestly vestments, he's wearing ratty jeans and a filthy, sweat-stained t-shirt. A cigarette hangs rakishly from his lips; he's got 5 O'clock shadow from 2 0'clock, and a grimy Yankees cap is perched on his greasy scalp.

St. Peter looks up from the paperwork, and greets the man enthusiastically, "Oh, it's you! Get'cha ass up here!" The man approaches the gates and is rushed through.

One young priest can't contain his outrage. "With all due reverence, Saint Peter, I don't understand!"
"That's an understatement," St. Peter smirks. "But tell me: precisely what don't you understand at this particular juncture?"
The priest says, "We're men of God! And we've been waiting patiently here for quite some time. Yet you rushed that grimy ruffian through as if he were a saint himself! Why?"
"You idiot." says St. Peter wearily. "That man was a New York City taxi cab driver. He's put the fear of God into more sinners than all of you combined."

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-05-16 09:43pm

Dammit, I was going to post that one!

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-05-16 10:33pm

Here's one I got in an e-mail. And yes, I know it's lame:

A teacher was suspended for bring a protractor, compass, and straight edge into school. He is a suspected member of the Al-Gebra network and has been hoarding weapons of math instruction.

And here's another joke:

What did one priest say to the other?
"I'll give you two fives for a ten"!

And another:

If "pro" is the opposite of "con", does that mean "Congress" is the opposite of "Progress"?

Enigma · Post by **Enigma** » 2003-05-16 10:41pm

What do you call a huge group of people arguing over various topics?

Mass debaters.

Badum boom *FART*

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-05-17 12:33am

What's the difference between an elephant and a New York Taxi Cab?
With the elephant, the trunk is in the front and the asshole is in the back.

What's the difference between Brittney Spears and an arrow to your lover's heart?
An arrow to your lover's heart is a Cupid Stunt.

Why did the Catholic dry cleaner get excommunicated?
He asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

What do you call it when a man talks dirty to a woman he doesn't know?
Sexual Harrassment.
What do you call it when a woman talks dirty to a man she doesn't know?
$3.95 per minute.

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-05-20 10:28am

Q:A man in Australia is walking on a cable,and a man in Canada is getting a blowjob from an 85 year old woman,what are they both thinking.

A: "Don`t look down don`t look down".

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-05-27 09:56am

DRING DRING.
Operator: Hello can i helpou.
ET: ET phone home.
Operator: That will be 25 quatrillion dollar sir.
ET: Do you take Galactican Express.

Zoink · Post by **Zoink** » 2003-05-27 10:19am

Fuzzy math.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%

...And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While, Hard work and knowledge will get you close,

And,

Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-05-27 10:19am

A man was taking a shower. Just as he starts lathering soap all over him, he drops the soap and slips on it, breaking his neck. He arrives in heaven. St Peter waits there, greeting new aquisitions. The dead man says "St. Peter, I would like one request before I enter the gate" The saint replies "Sure. what is it?" "Can I rinse?"
Here's another one from an old Jewish friend of mine:
There is a apartment complex somewhere in New York. There are three levels, all connected by a holes in the roofs and floors, all of them lining up. There are three tenants: A knife juggler, a stripper, and a meat ball vendor. One day, there is a terrible accident. The juggler accidentaly drops his knives into the hole. The knives slice off the stripper's right tit, which falls into the meatball "pot". The meatball vendor pays it no mind, trying to sell it to a Orthodox Jew. "No thanks" says the customer, "I don't eat meat with milk"
Anyone get this one?