[FICREVIEW] "Portal"

[Doomriser]

I know many of you have seen this before but I'm just going to 'Christen' the board (Sorry DW) and set it in the right direction.

FICREVIEW- Portal

Name: Portal
Author: Graham Kennedy
Type of crossover: ST vs SW
Balance between the great powers: The worst ever seen
Spelling Errors: Only the godawful newspeak
Pain Level: Getting anally raped by the NJ packers, over, and over, and
over again...while taking a cheese grater to your genitals and then
bathing them in salsa over, and over, and over...

Summary:

Never has the line "In space, no-one can hear you scream" been so true
as in this fanfic. When you scream until your lungs can emit nothing
but a high-pitched squeal, then you might be half-way through this
fanfic.

This fanfic is so bad that there simply is too much blame to put solely
on the shoulders of the author. In fact, I believe the blame must be
distributed to all parties who in fact allowed this work to be created.
Therefore, I blame him, I blame his parents, I blame the inventors of
the computer, and whoever first came up with the idea to carve words
down on a rock. Any one of those people could have spared the world
this affrontery to literature, reason, and good taste.


Synopsys:

Since I don't want to quote any of the actual story text (for fear of
causing mass SW [and ST] fan suicides around the world), I'll just go
over the introduction.

"This story is for enjoyment purposes only -"

Yeah, HIS enjoyment, knowing many Wars' fans aren't going to want to
live to see the next morning after reading this.

"I was trying to write a dramatic and tense bit of fiction, "

I would have preferred reading that instead of the anti-climactic piece
of trash I saw.

If his definition of "tense" is the Enterprise having at least a 200%
chance of saving the day, then it's purely mind-boggling to imagine
what bland and hokey means to Kennedy.

"not to depict what I think would actually happen if the USS Enterprise
met the Star Wars Empire. In “reality” (strange word to use in this
context!), I think that the events here would go MUCH more in
Starfleet's favour, but pushing that argument is emphatically NOT what
this story is for."

I'm sorry, did he just say that things would actually be MORE in Trek's
favor? I'm sorry, but this story (using the term loosely) is such an
obvious and obvert piece of propaganda it's enough to let Joseph
Goebbels rise from the dead and, upon reading it, cream all over the
keyboard!

I really should have heeded this warning and stopped right there, but I
had yet to learn the true meaning of pain.

"Although this story is naturally not canon, I have made every possible
effort to keep it strictly in line with the known technology and events
of both the Startrek and Star Wars universes. So far as I
know, 'Portal' does not contain one single canon violation of either
Trek or Wars - with one proviso."

Yes, that his *interpretations* of canon are takes *as* canon in this
work o fart.

"Without giving anything away, I'm aware that a certain central
character is left rather lost and cut off from home at the end of this
story. I haven't decided what to do with this character yet, but I am
mulling over ideas for further parts. If you'd like to read more, feel
free to e-mail me and let me know. "

That is, if you haven't poked your eyes out with rusty nails after
reading this fanfic. (In order to prevent yourself from seeing other
pieces of crap like this, if they exist)

I have mixed feelings on the idea of a sequel. On the one hand, I
cannot possibly imagine how Kennedy could write anything even worse
than this. On the other, I'm terrified he'll prove me wrong.

"So read on and enjoy. And if you don't... well hey, it's only a
story. "
No, it isn't. A story consists of plot and conflict, character
development and the triumph of the human spirit or the tragedy of its failure.
This is a record of stuff happening, and it's stuff that isn't even
interesting. There is a more consistent and interesting story in the classifieds of a newspaper than in Portal.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter.


Writing Style:

Kennedy has portrayed the Star Trek characters somewhat accurately,
which just makes it more disturbing, for even if you put a Glock to the
heads of Berman and Braga, they would not, even in their Voyager-most
efforts, be able to produce a turd like this.

If you can actually get through this fanfic, without breaking into
epilectic seizures or deciding that it would be more fun to see if your
head can deflect SS-109 rounds, you'll notice that the main Wars
characters, such as Darth Vader, seem to have lost 100 points of IQ in
addition to developing inferiority complexes, before setting out to
destroy the Federation.

If any more proof is needed that Graham Kennedy is the spawn of a shit-
eating maggot and Joseph Goebbels, read on.

Technical accuracy:

If you can swallow this fanfic believing that it is an accurate
technical description of an Empire versus Federation debate, then I
reccomend you swallow a thermal detonator. Kennedy could not have been
more wrong if he TRIED!

First of all, the force doesn't even work on Star Trek characters. If
this is true, then why bother even writing such a fanfic, since it
castrates Star Wars of its largest audience appeal: the magic of the
Jedi. But why stop there?

Why it would take an INTENSE bombardment of MANY Star Destroyers, which
are reputed to have mini star-level energy in almost every reference to
their power, to destroy a stationary space platform is beyond me.

Finally, its nice to know that, in their 25,000 years of development,
the SW galaxy has been unable to develop shields that actually stop
weapons, or beam weapons capable of space combat. OF course, the Trek
exploration vessels (or Enhanced Deteration Explorer, as GK likes to
call it) are more than capable of taking on tens of thousands of their
numbers in dedicated galaxy-dominating warships.

Entertainment value:

His logic that a single Federation starship can defeat legions of
Imperial capital ships makes a fanfic that is about as entertaining as
watching a battlemech stomp a tribe of Apache warriors. Never have I
wanted to stick a pencil through my eye so much as when I read this
fanfic. I write this review to warn others and prevent them from
reading this steaming turd that Graham Kennedy calls a fanfic.

Rating:

Storyline

-10/10

Writing Style

-5/10

Chacterization

-5/10

Technical Accuracy

-20/10

Comments? Suggestions to make it more biting? Please reply!

-Doomriser

Although this fanfic now lies on the ash-heap of history, along with
the infamous "SW Lasers can't penetrate ST shields" and "SW Hyperdrive
is 1.5 lightspeed" arguments, there is no doubt that in a future war,
some evil and ruthless dictator, or perhaps Osama Bin Laden, too short on cash to pay for biological or chemical weapons, will use this fanfic as a cheap, but effective form of EMP, as it will cause anyone reading it to shut down their computers in terror. In this instance, I PLEAD to the UN and
world governments to write a clause in the Geneva convention preventing
the use of this fanfic to harm other human beings. Anti-terrorist agencies should monitor the current electronic distrubtion of the fanfic. The original should be stored in an unmarked, chain-locked vault, in that big room at the end of Indiana Jones, and labelled as horror for all eternity. Lest we forget the sacrifices of the Warsies.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

I think those ratings are a little high for the fic, and the rest of the review.

Anyway, you're quite brave. Halfway through that fic, my eyes were starting to catch fire and my brain was trying to escape through my nose.

[Howedar]

It took me 3 tries before I made it all the way through. Don't, its not worth it.

[Mark S]

I feel stupider for even reading it. I tried to call a... Law guy... to sue for damages but I couldn't figure out how to work the phone thingy.

[Vapthorne]

But you can still work the computer?

[Mark S]

But you can still work the computer?

Please, that doesn't take any brains.

[FireNexus]

Now I have to read it. I realize a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, but I'm not wise. Somebody post a link, please.

[Lord of the Farce]

Now I have to read it. I realize a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, but I'm not wise. Somebody post a link, please.

http://www.ditl.org/listrecreation.htm
Warning: Reading of this fan-fic may be damaging to your mental and physical health.

[consequences]

Portal is bad, and wrong. There should be a new, stronger word to describe it, like badwrong, or badong. Yes, Portal is badong.
Or, alternatively: "This isn't a fanfic, this is nastiness. I asked for a fanfic and you brought me nastiness"

[Alferd Packer]

I got halfway through chapter 1 before my face melted like that dude in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I'm a Trekkie!

[Sothis]

I found it funny, in an odd sort of way. And dull.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

In his FAQ section he talks about a sequel. Strangly, 95% positive. Maybe because only fanatical trekkies can actually survive reading it. Here's the plotline!



"As Voyager's end approached, I worked up a rough plotline. "The Phantom Menace" and its 'midichlorians' had rather conveniently provided a way to explain the force immunity of the folk from our galaxy - no midichlorians, no force."



Fallacy number 1. "Midichlorians create the force" MCs are living creatures inside our cells. Obviously they can't live in say a rock's cell (especially since a rock doesn't have any cells) yet clearly, Jedi move rocks and other non-living things.

"My idea was that Troi and O'Brien would have become infected with midichlorians during their time in the Wars galaxy, and that this infection had been slowly spreading undetected through the Federation since their return."


Fallacy Number 2. "You can be infected with MCs. Also impossible. Due to their symbiote relationship with SW people's cells, and Qui'Gon saying life cannot exist without them, prusembly both the cell and the MC would die. There is no way you could be infected.



"This would threaten catastrophe on two fronts; without guidance, the people who are becoming force sensitive in this galaxy are all turning to the dark side. Troi, being one of the first infected and already having PSI powers, is one of the most powerful of these folk. The spread of midichlorians will also make our people vulnerable to the Empire's own force users. The Empire's next venture through the portal will spell the doom for the Federation..."


Fallacy Number 3. "With MCs, lots of Force users magically appear" There were very few people with force powers. In TCOPL, IIRC luke estimated you would only find one per system. Let's say there was 100 000 Jedi (I think it was actually 20 000) And there are 1 quadtrillion (1000xtrillion right?) beings in the SW galaxy. That means there are about 1 Jedi per 10 billion people!

"Along comes Voyager, and the EMH finds a way to use Seven's nanoprobes to wipe out midichlorians. Starfleet has come to believe that this midichlorian 'infection' is responsible for the evilness of the Empire, based on how our own recent converts are behaving." Janeway is ordered to take Voyager - essentially invulnerable now with its future technology - through to spread the nanoprobes in the wars galaxy, wiping out the force on both sides of the Portal once and for all.



Fallacy Number 4. You can wipe out MCs. Let's say for the moment nanoprobes (rapidly becoming ST's swiss army knife. Assimilation, 8472 weapon, injury healer, know MC killer) can target and destroy MCs. That would kill the person. Congrats GK, you're proposing ST would commit genocide on an unimaginable scale!

"Janeway is ordered to take Voyager - essentially invulnerable now with its future technology - through to spread the nanoprobes in the wars galaxy, wiping out the force on both sides of the Portal once and for all."


Fallacy Number 5. Voyager's new tech will make it invisible. Let's see what it did:

Blew up a Borg cube. Big woop. Any HTL could do that. And it wouldn't need super technobabble.

Survived Borg attacks. Big woop. Any ISD could. And it began losing percentages real fast when the borg "adapted" (aka, concentrated firepower on one spot) Futhermore, the armour would be a disadvantage. Now magical nav shields to stop TLs.

"Troi, in some sort of confrontation with Picard, manages to overcome the dark side. Picard realises that the force is not inherently evil, and is a normal part of life in the Wars galaxy, but Starfleet will not listen. Against orders he sets out to stop Janeway. She doesn't want to listen either, and there is a three sided battle - Picard trying to stop Janeway, Janeway trying to stop the force, and the Empire trying to stop both of them. This was originally planned to culminate at the battle around Endor in Return of the Jedi. The final defeat of the Empire by the Rebels - and of the Emperor by Luke - would convince Janeway that the force is indeed not evil, and at the end of the story peaceful relations would be established between the new Republic and the Federation. A nice happy ending in the classic "enemies become friends" Trek style."


Mike, you're wrong. There is a god. He has spared us from a portal sequel that thought might not be as bad as portal, may still be brain melting.

[Singular Quartet]

Dear god, and I could barely stand the first chapter of the first one... (I never entirely made it past that one)

EDIT: At apresent, I'm trying to read through the rest of it... and just fom this, I would like to say that your scores were far to high. far to high...

[The Yosemite Bear]

Just a thought on the Midicholians does this mean that Aya Brea from Parasite Eve fame is a Jedi?

[Stormbringer]

Portal is less a fanfic and more a crime against humanity. Why the UN hasn't put Graham Kennedy on trial for that is beyond me; perhaps they have the good sense to prevent the proliferation of that horror........

[Setesh]

Midichlorians=Midochondria, they are the chemical powerplants your cells run on
Force users just have more of them to empower force use

[Darth Eris]

As I managed to successfully get through this fic without brain damage, I can provide some tips for those who have enough morbid curiosity to read it.

1. Sense of humor is a must. Try to imagine the fic as a parody.
2. Apathy is great. Apathy is the mental armor that deflects stupidity without making you take notice. Alternately:
2b. Cynicism works well. Why ignore the stupidity when you can expect it? Easier to laugh at fallacies that way.
3. Caffeine. Or a sugar high. Or turn it into a drinking game. Anything that prevents penetration due to the inability to register the words beyond the buzzing.

Follow these steps in most any combination, and you too should be able to withstand the drivel.

PS. Try submitting "Portal" to Slap to the Head <web.pitas.com/ficbitches>. They have shredded far worse fics than this, and it's always hilarious.

[Straha]

Now I have to read it. I realize a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, but I'm not wise. Somebody post a link, please.

http://www.ditl.org/listrecreation.htm
Warning: Reading of this fan-fic may be damaging to your mental and physical health.

::Comes crawling back with eyes bubbling out, and hair burning off, looking like someone who crawled through hell, Osama's cave, Jerry Falwell's house, and RSA's site(not to mention Portal).:: Stop, don't go I only made it half way through the first chapter, and look at me. He has TURBO LASERS bouncing off their shields. His stupidity is only rivaled by..... ::drops dead with trekkie Assimilation devices showing through the burning skin::