Thou Shalt Not Kill

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-05-31 03:02pm

This is the text of a single-page PDF file that I recently made up for fun.

Commandment #6
THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Legal disclaimer #1: exceptions to this commandment include Egyptian slave-owners (Exodus 2:12), touching Mount Sinai (Exodus 19:12), striking your parents (Exodus 21:15), kidnapping (Exodus 21:16), swearing at your parents (Exodus 21:17, Leviticus 20:9), murder (Exodus 21:23), breaking into someone's house (Exodus 22:2), sorcery (Exodus 22:18), bestiality (Exodus 22:19, Leviticus 20:15-16), worshipping other gods (Exodus 22:20), taking advantage of widows and orphans (Exodus 22:22), working on Sunday (Exodus 31:15, Leviticus 23:27, Numbers 15:36), worshipping idols (Exodus 32:28, Deuteronomy 32:21), adultery (Leviticus 20:10, Deuteronomy 22:22), incest (Leviticus 20:11), homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13), marrying both a woman and her mother (Leviticus 20:14), being a medium or spiritualist (Leviticus 20:27), prostitution if you're a priest's daughter (Leviticus 21:9), blasphemy (Leviticus 24:14), being an enemy of Israel (Leviticus 26:7), encroaching upon the Levites' altars (Numbers 1:51, Numbers 3:10, Numbers 18:3), defying the priesthood's authority (Numbers 16), being a Canaanite (Numbers 21:3), having sex with non-Israelites (Numbers 25:1-9), inviting Israelites to non-Israelite religious functions (Numbers 25:16), being a Midianite (Numbers 31:18), living in land that the Israelites want for themselves (Deuteronomy 2:34, Deuteronomy 3:6), being a Hittite, Girgashite, Amorite, Canaanite, Perizzite, Hivite or Jebusite (Deuteronomy 7:1), being a prophet for any religion other than Judaism (Deuteronomy 13:5), suggesting any religion other than Judaism (Deuteronomy 13:6), living in a town where they don't practice Judaism (Deuteronomy 13:12), worshipping other gods or celestial objects (Deuteronomy 17:2), disprespecting a priest (Deuteronomy 17:12), being a false prophet (Deuteronomy 18:20), refusing to become a slave to Israel if it so demands (Deuteronomy 20:10), being a "stubborn and rebellious" child (Deuteronomy 21:18), being a female and having premarital sex (Deuteronomy 22:20) or being raped and not calling out for help (Deuteronomy 22:23), rape (Deuteronomy 22:24), being the child of an idol-worshipper (Deuteronomy 32:24), witholding war booty from the church (Joshua 7:15), being a non-Israelite and living in the town of Jericho (Joshua 6:21), Ai (Joshua 8:25) or Makkeda or Libnah or Lachish or Gezer or Eglon or Hebron or Debir or any surrounding areas (Joshua 10:28-40) or Hazor (Joshua 11:10) or Jerusalem (Judges 1:8) or Zephath (Judges 1:17) or Bethel (Judges 1:25), opposing Israel (Judges 3:21, Judges 4:15), or being chosen as a human sacrifice to God (Judges 11:39), being an Ammonite (Judges 11:29), being a Philistine (Judges 15:15), having something that Samson needs to pay off his gambling debts (Judges 14:18), being part of the same tribe as a rapist (Judges 20:48), dodging the draft (Judges 28:10), being an Amalekite (1 Samuel 15:3-8) or Geshurite or Girzite (1 Samuel 27:8), being chosen as a child sacrifice to make God happy (2 Samuel 21:1,8-9), and many other exceptions (see rest of Old Testament).

Legal disclaimer #2: if you are God, exceptions include "the sons of God having children with the daughters of men" (Genesis 6:1), or being in the same city as a rapist (Genesis 19:24), or disobeying an arbitrary order not to look at your handiwork (Genesis 19:26), or a man "spilling his seed" (Genesis 38:10), or being the children of Egyptians (Exodus 2:29), or being Egyptian soldiers (Exodus 14:28). Other acceptable exceptions include worshipping idols (Exodus 32:35), making unauthorized fire (Leviticus 10:2), being a priest and not taking care of your appearance (Leviticus 10:6), breaking any of the rules in Leviticus (some of which include such harmless acts as eating shellfish or wearing clothes woven from two fabrics, Leviticus 26:14), being ungrateful to God (Numbers 11:1, Numbers 14:33, Numbers 21:5), breaking any of the rules in Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 28:58), living in land the Israelites want (Joshua 10:11), possessing the Ark of the Covenant without being an Israelite (1 Samuel 5:6-12), looking into the Ark (1 Samuel 6:19), touching the Ark without proper reverence (2 Samuel 6:6-7), being the child of an Israelite/Hittite marriage (2 Samuel 12:10-18), completely random targeting for the purpose of taking away King David's guilt (2 Samuel 2:1,10,15), being the blameless child of an idol-worshipper (1 Kings 14:1,9-13), and many other exceptions (see rest of Old Testament).

Legal disclaimer #3: the authority of Old Testament law is disavowed by Christians who observe the New Testament and the "new covenant"... unless they still agree with those laws, in which case selected portions thereof can still be regarded as the infallible, immutable, perfect, absolute moral laws of God.

I've been thinking of putting the PDF for this one on my anti-Creationism website :)

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-05-31 03:08pm

......... You got bored, didn't you.

BlkbrryTheGreat · Post by **BlkbrryTheGreat** » 2003-05-31 03:20pm

Wow, that almost looks like a chunk of U.S. Legal Code.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-05-31 03:21pm

I can't imagine how long that took you. Is this the reason why we haven't see a new chapter of your fic in a while?

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-05-31 03:27pm

LOL

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-05-31 04:10pm

Where's Evil Grey to explain how this demonstrates your complete misunderstanding of the Bible and illustrates how an athiest can't understand true morality?

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-05-31 04:19pm

Impressive...most impressive

Arrow · Post by **Arrow** » 2003-05-31 04:38pm

Now we just need it for all ten commandments. I think I'll send that in response to next person who emails or discusses the ten commandments.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-05-31 05:02pm

That's brilliant.

Oh, yeah, um...

BURN FOUL HEATHEN!

Setesh · Post by **Setesh** » 2003-05-31 05:11pm

lol, please, please, please tell me you have this for all 10, I'd like to print it out and hand it to the next person who asks me 'have you accepted jesus christ as your personal savior?' while trying to give me a pamphlet

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-05-31 05:24pm

Setesh wrote:lol, please, please, please tell me you have this for all 10, I'd like to print it out and hand it to the next person who asks me 'have you accepted jesus christ as your personal savior?' while trying to give me a pamphlet

Well, that's the interesting thing. Not all of the commandments are riddled with so many exceptions. The ones about putting God before all else, for example, has not one solitary exception in the entire Bible. Similarly, the one about observing the Sabbath has no exception. It might be funnier to list all of the commandments in such a manner that it's quite clear which commandments have such exceptions (the ones about killing, lying, and stealing happen to be the ones which carry a long list of exceptions).

CaptainChewbacca · Post by **CaptainChewbacca** » 2003-05-31 05:33pm

RedImperator wrote:Where's Evil Grey to explain how this demonstrates your complete misunderstanding of the Bible and illustrates how an athiest can't understand true morality?

I'll fill in. I'm a christian, but I'm not here to defend myself. The commandment is "Don't Murder". There are many times when God himself saw killing as necessary (see Soddom & Gommorah for references)

*throws smoke bomb and disappears before getting shot*

SPOOFE · Post by **SPOOFE** » 2003-05-31 05:37pm

The commandment is "Don't Murder".

In the original language, yes, that is a more appropriate meaning. However, Creationists and Biblical Literalists insist that the Bible is 100% accurate even in its English version, which is what I think Mike is aiming his article towards.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-05-31 05:37pm

CaptainChewbacca wrote:
RedImperator wrote:Where's Evil Grey to explain how this demonstrates your complete misunderstanding of the Bible and illustrates how an athiest can't understand true morality?
I'll fill in. I'm a christian, but I'm not here to defend myself. The commandment is "Don't Murder". There are many times when God himself saw killing as necessary (see Soddom & Gommorah for references)

... in which every man, woman, child and infant in the city had to die because they had all been judged together for the act of a few men who accosted God's servants? Sorry, but if you don't think that's murder, you're fucked in the head. And that is but one of the many examples I listed in that post. Try again.

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2003-05-31 05:41pm

A few more things like this and I think I might create my own pamplete for those "aflicted" with chrisitianity

Seriously, On the plane ride back I was acuasted by JW's who refered to my atheism as an affliction.

Maybe somthing titled, "God is always right", just keep a few of them on me to hand to bothersome folks like that, plus a few by the door for the Door to Door pamplet folks

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-05-31 05:56pm

Darth Wong wrote:
Setesh wrote:lol, please, please, please tell me you have this for all 10, I'd like to print it out and hand it to the next person who asks me 'have you accepted jesus christ as your personal savior?' while trying to give me a pamphlet
Well, that's the interesting thing. Not all of the commandments are riddled with so many exceptions. The ones about putting God before all else, for example, has not one solitary exception in the entire Bible. Similarly, the one about observing the Sabbath has no exception. It might be funnier to list all of the commandments in such a manner that it's quite clear which commandments have such exceptions (the ones about killing, lying, and stealing happen to be the ones which carry a long list of exceptions).

Actually Jesus healed a cripple on the Sabbath prompting a debate between he and some Pharisees (priests) about the rightness of his action of performing miracles on the Sabbath.

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2003-05-31 05:58pm

"Jesus! Come, the leapors need healing."
"Can't you see I'm on a fucking break here?!"

Post by **Coyote** » 2003-05-31 06:12pm

Usually when people tell me that Jesus is coming, I say either "Quick, look busy!" or "No, he's not, he's just breathing hard". Good for a few perplexed or hurt looks.

CaptainChewbacca · Post by **CaptainChewbacca** » 2003-05-31 06:28pm

SPOOFE wrote:
The commandment is "Don't Murder".
In the original language, yes, that is a more appropriate meaning. However, Creationists and Biblical Literalists insist that the Bible is 100% accurate even in its English version, which is what I think Mike is aiming his article towards.

Yeah, being a geophysicist, I get headaches just thinking about young-earth creationists.

If the world is 10,000 years old, then I was born YESTERDAY!

CaptainChewbacca · Post by **CaptainChewbacca** » 2003-05-31 06:30pm

Darth Wong wrote:
CaptainChewbacca wrote:
RedImperator wrote:Where's Evil Grey to explain how this demonstrates your complete misunderstanding of the Bible and illustrates how an athiest can't understand true morality?
I'll fill in. I'm a christian, but I'm not here to defend myself. The commandment is "Don't Murder". There are many times when God himself saw killing as necessary (see Soddom & Gommorah for references)
... in which every man, woman, child and infant in the city had to die because they had all been judged together for the act of a few men who accosted God's servants? Sorry, but if you don't think that's murder, you're fucked in the head. And that is but one of the many examples I listed in that post. Try again.

If I recall my genesis, they couldn't find three righteous men in the whole city. They weren't statistical outliers.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-05-31 06:31pm

SPOOFE wrote:
Creationists and Biblical Literalists insist that the Bible is 100% accurate even in its English version

Which makes me recall a congresswomen (or was it senator?) from Texas who, when asked of her stance on whether Texas schools should become bi-lingual (meaning the teachers teach in English and Spanish, for you dolts out there)... she held up a copy of the Bible and said "If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for the Texas Education System."

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-05-31 06:32pm

CaptainChewbacca wrote:If I recall my genesis, they couldn't find three righteous men in the whole city. They weren't statistical outliers.

They interviewed every single man? And what about the women, children, and infants? I find it fascinating how you answer the point without really answering it.

By the way, address the other examples I pointed out, such as killing a man for gathering wood on Sunday.

CaptainChewbacca · Post by **CaptainChewbacca** » 2003-05-31 06:41pm

Heck, I kill people for NOT gathering wood on Sunday

I don't go for the Mosiac law. Those would be Jews you're looking for. Orthodox Jews.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-05-31 06:41pm

The thing about wording the law 'do not murder' - isn't murder unlawful killing? So how can the law tell you not to kill unlawfully without defining whe it is lawful? The simpler phrase 'do not kill' makes far more sense.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-05-31 06:45pm

CaptainChewbacca wrote:I don't go for the Mosiac law. Those would be Jews you're looking for. Orthodox Jews.

And anyone who quotes the Ten Commandments as a moral authority: a group which happens to include a huge number of Christians, particularly 100% of fundamentalists.