X2 - the parody ... (Spoilers. BIG spoilers.)

[Adrian Tullberg]

X2 - the parody.

by Adrian Tullberg.

Be warned.

INT - the White House.

NIGHTCRAWLER beats up the entire Secret Service in less than three minutes!

NIGHTCRAWLER
Ha! For the Germans, it is alvays third time lucky!

INT - the X Mansion

WOLVERINE appears on screen

FEMALE AUDIENCE
Get Your top off!

STORM appears on screen

MALE AUDIENCE
What they said!

They don't.

EVERYONE
SHIT!

CYCLOPS enters.

WOLVERINE
Hey, red eye, those crabs cleared up yet?

CYCLOPS
Go fill up my bike.

CYCLOPS tries to look manly.

CYCLOPS (cont'd)
Bitch.

WOLVERINE
Where do they keep the sugar ... ?


WOLVERINE catches up with XAVIER in CEREBRO.

XAVIER
WOlverine, in an effort to appear socially conscious, either put out your cigar or spend the rest of the film thinking you're a twelve year old Vietnemese prostitute.

WOLVERINE
You're serious?

XAVIER
I'll have Jean pimp you out. Look, it's a good way to show off your healing factor to everyone else who hasn't seen the first film, so put it out or the next words out of your mouth will be 'Sucky sucky ten dorrar'.

WOLVERINE does so, trying to emote pain.

XAVIER
Jesus Christ, I thought you were the tough guy in these films.

WOLVERINE
Just trying to show off my sensitive side ... a 'Kate and Leopold' doesn't come along every day you know.

XAVIER (pulls out tape recorder)
Memo to self: find out root cause of Meg Ryan's irrational attraction for Australian/New Zealand men, and reformat brain.

WOLVERINE
While you're at it, gonna check out Catherine Zeta-Jones?

XAVIER
I'm only qualified for software. Now check this out.

CEREBRO actives, showing every single mutant on the planet.

XAVIER
Now I can use this to track down irrational Germans ...

WOLVERINE
Gotta be alot more specific than that ...

XAVIER
Okay ... blue German mutants who've tried to kill the President in the last few hours ... but I have to be careful. IF I CONCENTRATE TOO HARD - I MIGHT KILL HIM.

WOLVERINE
Very sutble foreshadowing there Chuck.

XAVIER
Found him! Notice how useful Cerebro is if used responsibily. Hey, wanna see the population of Utah do the Macarena?

WOLVERINE
Cool.

INT - White House

STRYKER
Ah, Senator Kelly. I can't say I agreed with your reversal on the Mutant Registration Act, but I love your new Revlon commercials.

KELLY
Thank you! And I love your assistant's hair, what shampoo does she use?

PRESIDENT
Er ... anyway ... Stryker here was just briefing me on this school ...

STRYKER
Mutant Training Camp!

PRESIDENT
... that he wants to hit.

STRYKER
Detain for questioning.

PRESIDENT
Whatever.

KELLY
Just watch out for the stairs, they get slippery this time of year.

STRYKER
Whu?

KELLY
Ah .. I mean, you can't do this! It's a school?

STRYKER
With it's own jet?

KELLY
Have you seen how much it costs to send your kids to one of these? We know they're not spending it on teacher's salaries.

PRESIDENT
That's enough. go find that freak.

STRYKER
I'll find the mutant ...

PRESIDENT
I don't give a rat's ass he's mutant, I care that he's German! I think he was trying to audition me for one of their porn films ...


INT - Magneto's Cell.

STRYKER
Well well? How are you?

MAGNETO
Oh fine, can't complain.

STRYKER
Huh? The constant humiliation, no privacy, and the guard who looks like he came straight from the set of Deliverance?

MAGNETO
I was in the British public school system.

STRYKER
Curses! Oh well, time to use the mind control stuff again ...

INT - Xavier's mansion - kitchen - night

WOLVERINE's in the kitchen with ICEMAN

WOLVERINE
Where's the booze?

ICEMAN
This is a school. With a mindreading headmaster. The last time I had an impure thought, Xavier turned me into a transexual hooker named Clarice.

WOLVERINE
He's really hung up about that prostitute theme, isn't he?

ICEMAN
I spent three hours trying to convince Ron Jeremy to give me a part in one of his films.

WOLVERINE
Oh.

ICEMAN
Only got scale, too.

INT - Magneto's prison

XAVIER
Hey bitch, picked up any soap yet?

MAGNETO
No, I just walk ... maybe run ... or skip ... but mostly walk, just because I feel like it ... over to my taxpayer funded ensuite shower. Tell me, how much does a mansion full of teenagers cost you in heating and food?

XAVIER
Shut up - you know anything about freaky blue Germans?

MAGNETO
No ... internet ... connection ... here ...

XAVIER
Whu ... uh ...

Despite being THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH, XAVIER is caught COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE and goes down.

CYCLOPS
oKAY! Cyclops to the rescue!

And a JAPANESE CHICK beats the crap out of him.

CYCLOPS
... dang ...


Meanwhile, SPEC OPS soldiers on loan from Tom Clancy's latest novel sneak into the mansion.

WOLVERINE
Shame Rogue was kicked out of her home.

ICEMAN
You know, I found that really weird ... I would have thought having a teenage daughter that a boy couldn't touch without dying would be a father's wet dream ...

WOLVERINE
I thought she came from one of those Southern States ... ?

ICEMAN
Oh, now it makes sense ...

A soldier bursts into the kitchen and wrestles Wolverine

WOLVERINE
Okay! I'll just use my adamantium coated skull to knock this guy into next week ...

BRYAN SINGER
Hang on! We're under contract with Marvel to cameo as many mutants as possible!

WOLVERINE pushes the soldier around until some redhead SCREAMS and another RUNS THROUGH WALLS.

BRYAN SINGER
Okay, now you can kill them!

WOLVERINE starts carving up soldiers

STRYKER
Uh oh, Clancy's gonna be pissed ... hey Wolverine! Long time no see!

ROGUE
Wolverine! You can't fight them all!

WOLVERINE
Yes I can! Haven't you read my title? I go through this many highly trained soldiers in the first two pages!

ICEMAN
Dude this is the movies! You had your hands full with a blue chick who watched the Matrix!

WOLVERINE
Uh oh.

WOLVERINE, ROGUE, ICEMAN and ANAKIN ... sorry, PYRO head to the garage. They stop by the BRAND NEW METALLIC BLUE Mazda RX-8 SPORTS CAR with SPORTY INTERIOR. ROGUE lies on the hood, rubbing her hand over the surface, WOLVERINE gets behind the wheel and looks very manly, and ICEMAN and PYRO use their UNWORTHY TOUNGES to lick any impurites that the tyres might have picked up from the road.

STRYKER
Did you catch Wolverine?

SOLDIER
No SIR! Our millions of dollars in military equipment, satellite assisted tracking technology and state of the art weaponry was NO MATCH for the RX-8's AGGRESSIVE STYLING and ROTARY ENGINE! SIR!

EXT - on the road

PYRO attempts to turn on the radio

PYRO
Wouldn't this be a good way to pad out the soundtrack album with a rockin' techno track?

WOLVERINE
Sorry - what wasn't picked up by the Matrix and their sequels was snatched by xXx. There's some N'sync ...

PYRO
And they call us genetic freaks ...

INT - secret laboratory

STRYKER
Wakey wakey! I've attached a little gadget to your head - attempt to use your telepathy, and you'll download the reviews for every odd-numbered Trek film and Nemesis directly into your cerebral cortex. Now, pay attention to my exposition. I'm making a Korean knock off of your Cerebro room, and intend to use you to KILL EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!

XAVIER
Someone's insecure about their small dick, aren't they?

STRYKER
Shut up! Now I'll leave you alone with my mind controlling son! Notice the irony of my having a mutant for a son coupled with my irrational hatred ...

The DOOR SLAMS

XAVIER
Okay ... I taught this kid ... I can resist for a while, pretend to be taken over ... and once they remove this thing from my head, I can make every person in a mile radius my bitch ...

SRYAN SINGER
Er, sorry ... you get taken over, then used to kill every mutant on the planet.

XAVIER
What? I'm the world's most powerful telepath! Does that mean I have to bend over and take it from this comatose Mastermind knock-off? I'm a trained Shakespearian actor for Christ's sake!

INT - Bar

A totally HOT BLONDE hits on the REDNECK GUARD - telling the audience SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. All is revealed when MYSTIQUE knocks him out and INJECTS him with liquid metal.

INT - Iceman's home

ICEMAN: Mom, Dad ... I'm not really a honor roll student at an exclusive school for geniuses ... I'm a mutant.

ICEMAN'S DAD: Then what the hell are we shelling out forty grand a year for?

ICEMAN'S MOM: Son ... have you tried ... not being a mutant?

ICEMAN: Why the hell would I do that? All leather uniform ... cool 'outsider yet powerful' status ... recuring mini-series ...

ICEMAN'S BROTHER: This sucks! I want my own inconsistent series! I'm calling the cops!

PYRO: I'm a living flamethrower, his brother can freeze dry him, and his girlfriend's a virtual vampire ... does he want to die?

ICEMAN's DAD: I dropped him a lot when he was a baby ... I was going through my Harlem Globetrotters phase ...

INT - Magneto's Cell

GUARD: Ready to get something into you?

MAGNETO: I think I'll get something out of you ...

The GUARD rises into the air, and the BLOOD IS RIPPED FROM his body. MAGNETO then starts carving up the assorted guards.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Hang on ... since when does he need metal to fly?

MAGNETO
No I didn't!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Yes! you clearly flew in the first one!

MAGNETO
Er ... look! Pyro's going to do something!

EXT - Iceman's house

Police STORM the house, knocking out WOLVERINE with a single bullet.

PYRO
Okay! My turn to do something cool!

He starts setting fire to things ... because it's his thing.

ROGUE
Hey! I get to do something too!

ROGUE steals his power and turns off the fires. JEAN and STORM arrive and pick up the four mutants, and are challenged by FIGHTER JETS

STORM
Er ... guess that painting the Iraqi flag on the side wasn't such a good idea, hey fellas? Don't worry, I'll fix it!

STORM creates several tornadoes at once in a small area, downing the fighter planes, but is still hit by a missile. However, they head straight towards where MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are walking.

EXT - Clearing

MAGNETO
Stryker has developed a version of Cerebro that will pinpoint every mutant on Earth ... then download Halle Berry's 'Do you know what a toad ...' line AND her Oscar acceptance speech on an infinite loop simaltaneously into their brains. It'll keep going until their lower colon leaps up their abdomen and throttles the brain in a mercy killing.

EVERYONE SHUDDERS

WOLVERINE
Er ... is there a change of pants in the jet? There are some things a healing factor just can't deal with.

STORM
Whatever. Let's get a good night's sleep before attacking the secret base, okay?

WOLVERINE
Hey Jean ... chances are the love of your life is buried somewhere in Jersey, whaddya say?

JEAN
What a romantic.

WOLVERINE
C'mon ... I'm ruff, tough, and the old Healing Factor(TM) means I can go all night.

JEAN
That's hardly .. all night?

WOLVERINE
Every night.

JEAN
Ah ... er ... no! I have to stay true to ... you know, the guy with the red glasses.

MYSTIQUE
Excuse me ... all night?

WOLVERINE
Hmm ... might be interesting ... could cement my bad boy characteristic ...

MYSTIQUE transforms into JEAN, STORM, ROGUE and WILLIAM STRYKER

WOLVERINE
Look, if I went into wierd military guys, Swordfish would have had a whole different ending, okay?

MYSTIQUE
Works for Magneto ...

WOLVERINE
I don't care! And I didn't want to know! The magic is over!

INT - Blackbird Jet - next day

STORM
Those guys are stealing all the screentime. Us Oscar winners gotta stick together.

ROGUE
At least I didn't have to show my tits to get mine ...

STORM
What?

ROGUE
Er ... look, all you need is a subplot! Just try and bond with that wierd blue German ...

STORM
Well ... I did work with Billy Bob Thornton ...

WOLVERINE
Pyro - back at Boddy's house, you did something dangerous and irresponsible with your powers. There's only room for one dangerous maverick in this francise. So you suck.

PYRO
Hang on - I use flames - FLAMES - to stop those cops, but none of them are dead or seriously injured. Doesn't that say something about my self control?

JEAN
I don't care - you suck.

STORM
Er, shouldn't we stop one of our students sitting next to the powerful and dangerous mutant terrorist?

WOLVERINE
Sorry, This seat's got a prime view of Jean's ass - and I'm staying put.

STORM
Look, since we're involved in flying this thing ...

WOLVERINE
I'm here, her ass is there. End of story.

STORM
Just two minutes. Get Pyro to sit next to ...

WOLVERINE
Ass - here!

MAGNETO
So tell me young man - do you watch ... gladiator movies?

PYRO
Sorry?

MAGNETO
Ah ... so, ever thought about joining the forces of evil? Cool dialogue and catchphrases, hanging around naked blue supermodels if you're so inclined, full medical and dental ...

PYRO
Dental?

MYSTIQUE
Just say the word, and your smile will be just as bright as Tom Wellings.

PYRO (awe inspired whisper)
Tom Wellings?

PYRO, MYSTIQUE and MAGNETO give a heartfelt sigh.

MAGNETO
Either you join us, or you get less screen time than Jean's red-eyed butt monkey.

INT - Super Secret Military base - day

XAVIER is trying to resist

XAVIER
Must .. not ... kill ... all ... mutants

WIERD GUY IN WHEELCHAIR
Don't you find it strange that you're a trained and experienced Shakespearian actor, and Halle Berry gets a 'Best ...' Oscar before you do?

XAVIER
The fuckers die.

***

To Be Continued ...

[Crazedwraith]

cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROLFAMO! thats funniest thing i've ever read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kojikun]

THAT = GOD

They should make a parody exactly like that. OMGS yes.. HAH!

[CaptainChewbacca]

HOLY CRAP!!!

Funniest stuff EVER!

[Sea Skimmer]

This is one newbie I wont be poking. Good work, NOW FINISH IT!

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

That's funny stuff. Now, do another one!

[Ignorant_Boy]

It's not completed???!!! NOOOOO!!!!!

[Anarchist Bunny]

Simply wonderful. So good I won't nitpick the Magneto flying part.

[Crown]

STORM
Those guys are stealing all the screentime. Us Oscar winners gotta stick together.

ROGUE
At least I didn't have to show my tits to get mine ...

STORM
What?

Best. Exchange. Ever.

Simply wonderful. So good I won't nitpick the Magneto flying part.

But, but.... But!Oh, and in the first one, Magneto had metal capped boots, just like in the second one.

[CaptainChewbacca]

XAVIER
Found him! Notice how useful Cerebro is if used responsibily. Hey, wanna see the population of Utah do the Macarena?

I disagree. THIS is the best line ever. I want it finished!

[Crown]

Why hasn't this been finished yet? I am becoming impatient!

[Gil Hamilton]

Holy shit, I think I nearly pissed myself reading that. If you don't mind, I'm going to print that out for my friends to read.

[Crown]

Holy shit, I think I nearly pissed myself reading that. If you don't mind, I'm going to print that out for my friends to read.

HA! Already did, his name is still prominent at the top of the page, there are nine of them in notepad by the way...

[Ted C]

Have you considered pitching this to the guys who do Babylon Park? You might become famous (in limited circles, of course).

[Captain Cyran]

LOL, that's great. Can't wait for...what little there is that is left to it.

[Enricko]

ICEMAN
This is a school. With a mindreading headmaster. The last time I had an impure thought, Xavier turned me into a transexual hooker named Clarice.

WOLVERINE
He's really hung up about that prostitute theme, isn't he?

That just caused me to develop spontanious spleen cancer... MORE!!!

[Shroom Man 777]

Simply amazing.

[Adrian Tullberg]

Many apologies for the delay ...

JEAN
Okay, we've found the secret base. Kids, stay in the jet.

ROGUE
Hey, we can help!

WOLVERINE
Sorry hon, there's no real need for one of us to be drained by some parasitic freak. Face it, in a practical situation, you're next to useless.

ICEMAN
Hey, I've proved myself! I can create barriers to hide behind ... paralyse bad guys with frostbite ... make whole rooms inexplicably cold for some reason ...

STORM
WHAT? Hell no! You sit your ass down in this jet, boy!

PYRO
So a living flamethrower isn't going to be any use in a secret base filled with armed-to-the-teeth special forces commandoes?

STORM
Just make sure Iceboy doesn't wander off or you'll never see Teacher's Goodies ever again, you got that?

PYRO
Yes ma'am.

While everyone was arguing over who goes to save the day, MYSTIQUE has gone off, impersonated WOLVERINE, knocked out half the military base, opened the doors, did her taxes, and inspired half a dozen websites.

WOLVERINE
Whoa.

MAGNETO
Makes you wonder if there's a point in keeping you in this movie series, isn't there?

WOLVERINE
Whu? Ah ... come on everybody! Mystique couldn't have take out the whole base ... she's probably in real trouble if I ... I mean we don't go over there right now! could she?

While every other mutant walks into the base, STRYKER is preparing his dastardly plan. So when WOLVERINE wanders off, there's a lot of spare time for the JAPANESE CHICK to start BEATING THE CRAP out of WOLVERINE

WOLVERINE
I - don't - care - what - they - say - acu- puncture - sucks!

While MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are taken to Cerebro, CYCLOPS starts attacking JEAN.

CYCLOPS
Must ... kill ... only ... woman ... who ... would ... put ... out ... for ... me ...

MAGNETO
Seems mind control really improved his delivery ...

JEAN
Scott! Fight it!

CYCLOPS
Only ... screen ... time ... available ... sorry ... honey ...

JEAN
May as well start the forshadowing for number three ...

JEAN makes her eyes start to glow in a somehow PHEONIX-LIKE fashion, and inbetween SPANKING CYCLOPS, seriously damages the DAM where the military base is situated.

JEAN
Ooopsy.

INT - X Jet

PYRO
There's only so much porn you can look at with a chick in the same room. I'm gonna go out.

ICEMAN
Hey! What about Storm's threat?

PYRO
Don't worry, she'll try for another Oscar sooner than later.

Meanwhile, WOLVERINE is still getting NINE LEVELS OF MANURE ripped out of him

WOLVERINE
Twice I get the living shit kicked out of me by a girl! Twice! Jesus!

WOLVERINE finally beats the JAPANESE CHICK

WOLVERINE
We have technology that makes Keanu Reeves look like a credible action hero, but the X-Men's single most profitable character still has problems in a fight ... where's the justice ...

Soldiers are stationed outside Cerebro's entrance...

MAGNETO
Did I mention that I never really wanted to be a supervillian?

MYSTIQUE
Yeah, it's the kind of job you tend to fall into ... what did you want to be?

MAGNETO
I wanted to be an interior decorator

MYSTIQUE
Oh?

The soldiers around Cerebro da Second BLOW UP

MAGNETO
Yes, I still dabble. For example ... I've just done this corridor in post-modern redshirt ...

MYSTIQUE
Normally, I go for the retro feel, but this really speaks to me ...

XAVIER has finally activated CEREBRO ... bloody Windows ... and ATTACKS EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!

Every mutant on the planet is in instant, total agony.

CYCLOPS (rolling on the ground in pain)
Oh my God ... I'm sorry ... This moment is ... so much bigger than me...

ROGUE
Thank you. I'm so honoured ... I am so honoured ...

ICEMAN
... and thank the academy for choosing me ... to be the vessel ... from which this blessing might flow ...

WOLVERINE
This movie-making experience was ... magical for me ... because of you ... You believed in me... you trusted me and you gently guided me to very scary places ... for God's sake little buddy, burrow through all that packed in red meat ...

MYSTIQUE
Magneto! If you don't open those doors right now I swear there will be no more 'Daddy's Little Soldier' ever again!

MAGNETO opens the doors to CEREBRO and shuts it down.

MAGNETO
Hey, I've saved the whole of ... mutantity! Geez ... hate to make the trip a complete waste ... I'll try killing the whole of humanity!

MYSTIQUE
Bit of a change from the last film, wasn't it? I mean ... the first time, you were trying to effect a change in policy by making world leaders become mutants ... now you're just going to wipe them out?

MAGNETO
Got any other ideas?

MYSTIQUE
Urhhmm ... make humanity incapable of physical or psychological harm, direct or indirect against a mutant?

MAGNETO
Nah ... too Buffy.

MYSTIQUE
I don't know...

MAGNETO
We're almost certainly going to get the guys who thought 'My Big Fat Greek Life' was a good idea...

MYSTIQUE
Fry the bastards!

EXT - Conveniently placed helicopter.

STRYKER is preparing to escape when WOLVERINE hunts him down.

WOLVERINE
Okay! Time to make the guy who took my life away suffer!

STRYKER
You idiot! You were already an angst-ridden dark character with anger management issues. I just made you even tougher, gave you super strong claws and a market share that not even the Board of Marvel Comics could screw up! Besides - that redhead wrecked the dam trying to stop her possessed boytoy. If you run in and save the day, she might get over him and dump the...

WOLVERINE is already high-tailing it back to the base.

As the dastardly duo make their escape, the X-Men head towards Cerebro.

JEAN
Bad news, Magneto hit the big reverse switch, and is ready to kill all of humanity.

CYCLOPS
Couldn't we just ... you know, turn off the power? Cut the antennas or cables? I don't think a cheap copy of a sophisticated telepathic booster and transceiver is totally fuck-up proof ...

JEAN
No - the new blue guy and the most recent Oscar winner has to teleport in at great personal risk and convince the Professor it's too cold today to kill a large percentage of every living thing on the planet.

Meanwhile, the PRESIDENT is crawling under the Oval Office desk, trying to bash his own brains out with a paperweight...

PRESIDENT
Thank you. Mike Pasternak ... Tom Ortenberg for making sure ... everybody knew about this little tiny movie ... oh god, they haven't cleaned under here since Clinton...

MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE have headed towards the helicopter, to see a suffering STRYKER tied up.

MYSTIQUE
Hey, the guy responsible for your torture and humiliation! Should we kill him now or take him on the helicopter to watch him slowly suffer?

SINGER
Er ... no, gotta wring one more confrontation out of him with Wolverine ... you're going to untie him, then tie him up again and leave him to die near some concrete blocks ...

MAGNETO
But I get to strip him naked and exposed to freezing conditions?

SINGER
No.

MYSTIQUE
Cut him and herd some nearby wolves to get the scent of his blood and then maul him as we watch from the sky?

MAGNETO
This is taking all the fun out of being a bad guy...

PYRO emerges from the woods.

PYRO
So ... dental?

Just then the PROFESSOR has woken up from his trance...

PROFESSOR
Do you realise in ten more seconds, I could have wiped out every boy band on the face of the Earth?

NIGHTCRAWLER
Vat? Dey are human?

STORM
Long story. Involves genetic engineering, two bottles of vodka, a bet and stoats.

Everybody runs out towards the exit - and WOLVERINE heroically runs past them, plunges his claws into the power box, and closes the doors before an enormous wall of water crushes Marvel's Cash Cow.

JEAN
You realise you just ran past the big red button saying 'Close Emergency Barrier'?

WOLVERINE (now smoking - literally)
Cccooouulldd soommmeebbooddy pppuuulll mmmmeee oooouuuuttt ooofff tthhiiisss ttthhhiinnnggg ...

Finally everybody heads towards where the helicopter was...

WOLVERINE
Must remember to take the keys with me...

Then ROGUE 'pilots' the X-Jet, and lands it nearby...

WOLVERINE heads towards the still surviving STRYKER

WOLVERINE
Although I could easily cut you down, and haul your fat ass to two experienced telepaths who wouldn't need a whole lot of persuasion to rape your mind out of every little detail of my past ... I'm going to let you live as some sort of symbol of me abandoning the past and progressing towards the future ... you know, shit like that.

As he heads back to the X-Jet, there's a few problems.

STORM
Power's down! Did we remember to fill up?

CYCLOPS
Shut down all secondary functions and recheck the pre-flight!

ICEMAN
Hit Cntl-Alt-Del!

JEAN goes outside, and while telekinetically STARTING THE JET, holds back a MASSIVE WAVE OF WATER.

CYCLOPS
Jean! My love, my life, my subplot!

PROFESSOR (possessed by Jean)
It is ... too late for me...

CYCLOPS
OH Jean...

Kneels down besides the Professor

CYCLOPS (Cont'd)
Your shiney head is ... so alluring...

WOLVERINE
Show of hands, anyone remotely surprised?

None come up.

The JET slowly rises, then TAKES OFF. Despite the fact that JEAN held back millions of tonnes of water, possessed the WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH (TM), supressed another mutant's power and started up a Jet ALL AT THE SAME TIME, she somehow is unable to get herself out of the way and is swallowed up by the water.

INT - WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - Day

THE PRESIDENT is just about to make a nationwide speech when XAVIER and crew freeze everyone's minds and enter.

XAVIER
Mr. President. I hope you're not sore about the whole ... you know, near-extermination of humanity. And it might be considered a little rude that we've brought the guy who nearly assassinated you into your office, but somehow none of my students thought to bring their wallet, so leaving him in Starbucks for fifteen minutes was out. You know, since your boy Stryker started the whole thing, so why don't we call it quits?

PRESIDENT
So you're saying I should ignore a group of individuals with the facilities to destroy entire nations? Make no firm policy on those who have the potential to kill every person in the world?

XAVIER
Just treat us like North Korea.

PRESIDENT
Oh. That makes much more sense...

JEAN (V.O.)
Mutants. A species hated more than the French. No, really. Thank God we don't surrender like they do. And if we die, we have a tendency to come back. And die. And come back. And die ... well you get the picture. Or you'll see it when Singer signs for the next sequel...

[2000AD]

first post.

[Captain Cyran]

LOL That is great. Absolutely hilarious man.

[FaxModem1]

Nice finish and hilarious, although the second part seems a bit more rushed then the first, oh well.

KEEP MAKING PARODIES!!!!

[CaptainChewbacca]

Wonderful!

Tom Welling... sigh