Artemis' Episode II review

[Setzer]

I'm reposting this from Zenosaga.com. The author is Artemis.

Just started writing this because I was bored. It's not finished, but I will finish it if anyone wants me to. Note that I loved Episode Two, this is meant in pure fun and jest.
Enjoy.

Movie opens with the usual scene of flying letters guaranteed to make audiences everywhere go wild with screams of delight… or puke from vertigo. We find that the republic has made Padme Amidala a senator. Apparently being the key pawn in the plot of destruction of entire galactic government is not as bad as one might think. After scanning the words we can catch, and turning to a friend to compare notes so that the plot is explained, because god knows they won’t touch the ‘plot’ in the movie, we settle down for the view of the planet. The view of the planet is actually a must see for anyone, as it takes up the entire screen for about as long as most Tom Cruise close-ups. This particular planet seems to be Coruscant, also known as New York City 2010. Once we are suitable impressed, ^insert token ‘ahhhhh’ here^ the silver ship appears. Please note that whoever has to polish that thing should be getting paid a LOT more than they probably do. The USS Eyesore lands on a docking bay conveniently far away from any innocent people. Now that the ship has landed (and the sun is behind a cloud) we can actually see that said ship has a pair of escorting fighters, also known as bananas. After making sure the area is clear of anyone not wearing eye protection, the fighters land. The pilots emerge, and confer. The tall black pilot wearing an eye patch to show that he is suitably manly, decides that he was wrong and everything is fine. This of course makes him appear to be the largest goober this side of Tatooine when the flying mirror over yonder promptly blows up. After a brief euphoria of a surprise beginning with Natalie Portman (also known by the native American name of ‘acts like a rock’) dying, we find out that the second pilot is… you guessed, her ex-royal highness. Once both wear their shocked expressions long enough for any residual bombs to have gone off, they run over to the person who was posing as the senator (British Royalty should definitely take notes) She is seconds from death, but has just enough time to apologize to the queen. (we’re not sure what for, but it probably involves ruining a perfectly good 1,000,000 dollar dress) The senator satisfied that her stand-in feels suitably chastised, decides to get inside before the snipers ruin another dress.

Hey look, it’s Obi-Wan. He’s aged ten years in the space of two via the magical process of hair growth. Hmmm… actually maybe that’s more impressive than we first thought. Anyhow, he’s talking with the winner of the “most likely to get girls to swoon and fall into the theater” contest. Seems they got this particular hunk of hotness into the movie by handing him the part of Anakin. (Apparently being encased in armor for the original 3 movies really WAS a tragedy.) It seems that poor little old Anni is afraid that Padme won’t even remember him. As what we wonder, the kid who couldn’t get his car-thingie to work and nearly lost the race before it started? Or maybe as the kid who kept barging into her room at Coruscant. Maybe even as the kid who stole her best starfighter just before it could go off on its pre-programmed mission to destroy the enemy while everyone else provided the distraction, nearly costing them the battle. (What, you actually thought a nine year old was that good?) No, Anakin obviously wants this girl/hairdo to like him. After a few words of reassurance from Obi-Wan, such as… “She doesn’t hate you, I hate you.” And the ever positive “Dude, think about it. She’s a monarch that’s six years older than you. Find some piece of land that looks pretty and get her to like it. She’ll be yours within the week.” Note that the previous technique also works well with the Jedi mind trick, something that Obi neglected to mention, hence the loss of a certain arm that will be spoken of later. Oh, here they are getting off the elevator. Who do we have here, some guy, a couple guards and….. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah, it’s him. The dreaded evil beyond the depths of all that is dark, nasty, and potentially muckusy (yes, that is a word, and it means to be reeking of jar jar) Entering the room like an insane yo-yo on acid is the mutant rabbit Jar-Jar.

[Crown]

This I liked;

Movie opens with the usual scene of flying letters guaranteed to make audiences everywhere go wild with screams of delight… or puke from vertigo. We find that the republic has made Padme Amidala a senator. Apparently being the key pawn in the plot of destruction of entire galactic government is not as bad as one might think. After scanning the words we can catch, and turning to a friend to compare notes so that the plot is explained, because god knows they won’t touch the ‘plot’ in the movie

That whole bit was a classic.

Oh and this was rather accurate;

Who do we have here, some guy, a couple guards and….. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah, it’s him. The dreaded evil beyond the depths of all that is dark, nasty, and potentially muckusy (yes, that is a word, and it means to be reeking of jar jar) Entering the room like an insane yo-yo on acid is the mutant rabbit Jar-Jar.

The rest, eh.

[Setzer]

Krelian X said he might come over and visit the board. I just want you all to know, I did not invite him in any way, shape, or form!

[MrAnderson]

Do you stroke the rest of you as much as you stroke your ego?

Nice "review".