I won`t go back digging dead thread,so here`s a new one.
A kid arrives late in school,the principal ask him why he`s late and he reply "i was throwing stones in the river",a second kid arrive and the principal ask him why he`s late too,and he reply "i was throwing stones in the river",a third kid arrive and the principal says "let me guess you were throwing stones in the river"and the kid reply "I`m Stones"
New joke thread
Moderator: Edi
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Montcalm
- Emperor's Hand
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New joke thread
Jerry Orbach 1935 2004
Admiral Valdemar~You know you've fucked up when Wacky Races has more realistic looking vehicles than your own.
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aphexmonster
- Jedi Council Member
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.... it was just a PG-13 version of the strawberry hill story.
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thecreech
- Smasher/Devourer
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Re: New joke thread
[quote="Montcalm"]**SNIZIP**quote]
I thought it was funny ok here's one
Why do men think so much? they have two heads
Why do women talk so much? They've got two mouths
(Covers head... waits for stones to be thrown)
I thought it was funny ok here's one
Why do men think so much? they have two heads
Why do women talk so much? They've got two mouths
(Covers head... waits for stones to be thrown)
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Montcalm
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Mmm why did the chicken cross the road..................."It was playing frogger"jegs2 wrote:Okay, okay -- now stop me if you've heard this before...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Heh heh, they'll never get this one -- eh, hrmmm, thinkin' out loud again, dang!
Jerry Orbach 1935 2004
Admiral Valdemar~You know you've fucked up when Wacky Races has more realistic looking vehicles than your own.
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thecreech
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Because he didn't have enough guts? sorry never heard that joke beforejegs2 wrote:Okay, okay -- now stop me if you've heard this before...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Heh heh, they'll never get this one -- eh, hrmmm, thinkin' out loud again, dang!
Here is another one
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
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Wicked Pilot
- Moderator Emeritus
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- Joined: 2002-07-05 05:45pm
I posted this back on July 25th. It has been a while so I'll post it again:
The United States Department of Defense has decided that during the upcoming fiscal year, downsizing will be needed to make the budget. Included in the personal cuts is the requirements that several general officers be retired. Since no generals volunteer to be seperated, the DOD has prepared an incentive to entice them into retirement. The offer is this, if a general volunteers to retire, the DOD will pay him or her $1000 for every inch between two parts of their body, selected by the generals themselves.
The first taker is an Army general. He decides to ask the DOD to measure from the sole of his feet to the top of his head as he is standing up. A DOD employee measures the distance to be 70 inches. The general receives a severence package of $70,000.
The second taker is an Air Force general. Being from the Air Force, he is somewhat smarter than the other four stars. He has the DOD measure from the sole of his feet, to the tips of his fingers while he is standing up, extending his arms above his head. He receives a very nice severence package of $84,000.
The third taker is a Marine Corp general. Being from the Marines, he isn't necessarily smarter, but he sure thinks he is. He ask the DOD to measure from the tip of his penis, to the base of his testicles. The DOD, confused, reiterate that it is $1000 per inch, and give him the Army and Air Force examples. The Marine is adamant, he wants to be measured from the tip of his penis, to the base of this testicles. So reluctantly, the DOD employee ask the general to drop his pants, and begins with the measuring. After several minutes trying to measure the general, the DOD employee is confused, and ask the general. "sir, I have a slight problem, I can't seem to find your testicles, where are they?" With a smile the general replies "Vietnam."
The United States Department of Defense has decided that during the upcoming fiscal year, downsizing will be needed to make the budget. Included in the personal cuts is the requirements that several general officers be retired. Since no generals volunteer to be seperated, the DOD has prepared an incentive to entice them into retirement. The offer is this, if a general volunteers to retire, the DOD will pay him or her $1000 for every inch between two parts of their body, selected by the generals themselves.
The first taker is an Army general. He decides to ask the DOD to measure from the sole of his feet to the top of his head as he is standing up. A DOD employee measures the distance to be 70 inches. The general receives a severence package of $70,000.
The second taker is an Air Force general. Being from the Air Force, he is somewhat smarter than the other four stars. He has the DOD measure from the sole of his feet, to the tips of his fingers while he is standing up, extending his arms above his head. He receives a very nice severence package of $84,000.
The third taker is a Marine Corp general. Being from the Marines, he isn't necessarily smarter, but he sure thinks he is. He ask the DOD to measure from the tip of his penis, to the base of his testicles. The DOD, confused, reiterate that it is $1000 per inch, and give him the Army and Air Force examples. The Marine is adamant, he wants to be measured from the tip of his penis, to the base of this testicles. So reluctantly, the DOD employee ask the general to drop his pants, and begins with the measuring. After several minutes trying to measure the general, the DOD employee is confused, and ask the general. "sir, I have a slight problem, I can't seem to find your testicles, where are they?" With a smile the general replies "Vietnam."
The most basic assumption about the world is that it does not contradict itself.
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Mutant Headcrab
- Jedi Knight
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Anarchist Bunny
- Foul, Cruel, and Bad-Tempered Rodent
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'After 9/11, it was "You're with us or your with the terrorists." Now its "You're with Straha or you support racism."' ' - The Romulan Republic
'You're a bully putting on an air of civility while saying that everything western and/or capitalistic must be bad, and a lot of other posters (loomer, Stas Bush, Gandalf) are also going along with it for their own personal reasons (Stas in particular is looking through rose colored glasses)' - Darth Yan
'You're a bully putting on an air of civility while saying that everything western and/or capitalistic must be bad, and a lot of other posters (loomer, Stas Bush, Gandalf) are also going along with it for their own personal reasons (Stas in particular is looking through rose colored glasses)' - Darth Yan
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Darth Gojira
- Jedi Master
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- Joined: 2002-07-14 08:20am
- Location: Rampaging around Cook County
*Runs as a wall of flames barrels down on Straha*
Don't quote pics~Olrik
Hokey masers and giant robots are no match for a good kaiju at your side, kid
Post #666: 5-24-03, 8:26 am (Hey, why not?)
Do you not believe in Thor, the Viking Thunder God? If not, then do you consider your state of disbelief in Thor to be a religion? Are you an AThorist?-Darth Wong on Atheism as a religion
Post #666: 5-24-03, 8:26 am (Hey, why not?)
Do you not believe in Thor, the Viking Thunder God? If not, then do you consider your state of disbelief in Thor to be a religion? Are you an AThorist?-Darth Wong on Atheism as a religion
My fav IT jokes....
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A byte walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The byte says, "I don't know; I'm not feeling well. I may have a parity error."
The bartender says, "Yeah, you do look a bit off."
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Four fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Go on! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"
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A byte walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The byte says, "I don't know; I'm not feeling well. I may have a parity error."
The bartender says, "Yeah, you do look a bit off."
---------------------------------------------------
Four fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Go on! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"
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thecreech
- Smasher/Devourer
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- Location: New Mexico... and yes it is a state , Go look at a fucking map of the USA
- Contact:
A mushroom walks into a bar... he sit down at the bar and waits for the bartender. After the Bartender notices him and says "Hey we don't serve your kind here"
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a Fun guy"
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser
pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The police officer
also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's
license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and
finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look
like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said
"You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,
"Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer, too, we
could have avoided all this hassle."
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a Fun guy"
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser
pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The police officer
also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's
license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and
finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look
like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said
"You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,
"Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer, too, we
could have avoided all this hassle."
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SyntaxVorlon
- Sith Acolyte
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- Location: Places
- Contact:
A traveling salesman on the highway somewhere between A and B and not exactly sure where, is weary and has been at the wheel for far too long. When out of the green a billboard appears,[[ Sisters of Mercy house of prostitution: 5 miles]]
He blinks not knowing whether or not he's having an hallucination or whether or not he could get a quick screw along with some sleep.
Then ~4 miles later there's another sign: [[Sisters of Mercy house of prostitution: next exit]]
Well he looks for the next exit, and it's a quick off ramp followed by a dirt road leading off into the woods, cautiously he proceeds down the dusty pike, until he sees a building ahead, with a door overhang reading: [[Sisters of Mercy:
House of Prostitution]]
He enters the building and low and behold are standing before him asking him what service they might render. Too tired to be coy he blurts out, "Just a quick screw."
The wizened faced ladies smile, nod and point him toward a door. Patting him on the back insisting he go right on through. Going through the door leads him to a corridor which winds its way around a few turns, and suprisingly goes on for quite a ways for so small a building.
Finally he sees a collection plate, with a note: [[please deposit $50]]
He opens the door to a bright light walking out...
into the woods.
Dazed from the walk, dark room and sudden bright light he turns about just in time to hear the door close with a thud, and a click.
As his eyes get accustomed to the light he sees one last sign:
[[You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy:
Go in peace, thanks for the car]]
He looks in his pockets to find his wallet and keys gone.
He blinks not knowing whether or not he's having an hallucination or whether or not he could get a quick screw along with some sleep.
Then ~4 miles later there's another sign: [[Sisters of Mercy house of prostitution: next exit]]
Well he looks for the next exit, and it's a quick off ramp followed by a dirt road leading off into the woods, cautiously he proceeds down the dusty pike, until he sees a building ahead, with a door overhang reading: [[Sisters of Mercy:
House of Prostitution]]
He enters the building and low and behold are standing before him asking him what service they might render. Too tired to be coy he blurts out, "Just a quick screw."
The wizened faced ladies smile, nod and point him toward a door. Patting him on the back insisting he go right on through. Going through the door leads him to a corridor which winds its way around a few turns, and suprisingly goes on for quite a ways for so small a building.
Finally he sees a collection plate, with a note: [[please deposit $50]]
He opens the door to a bright light walking out...
into the woods.
Dazed from the walk, dark room and sudden bright light he turns about just in time to hear the door close with a thud, and a click.
As his eyes get accustomed to the light he sees one last sign:
[[You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy:
Go in peace, thanks for the car]]
He looks in his pockets to find his wallet and keys gone.
WE, however, do meddle in the affairs of others.
What part of [
,
, N() ] don't you understand?Skeptical Armada Cynic: ROU Aggressive Logic
SDN Ranger: Skeptical Ambassador
EOD
Mr Golgotha, Ms Scheck, we're running low on skin. I suggest you harvest another lesbian!
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2000AD
- Emperor's Hand
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- Location: Leeds, wishing i was still in Newcastle
A rabbit bounces into a bar, slaps his paws on the table and asks the barman for a plate of carrots. The barman tells him they don't serve food and the rabbit bounces out again.
The next day the rabbit bounces in and asks for a plate of carrots. Again the barman tells him they don't serve food.
The next day the rabbit again goes to the bar and asks for a plate of carrots. The barmen angrily says" If you ask for another plate of carrots i'm going to nail your paws to the bar!"
The following day the rabbit bounces up to the bar ."Got any nails?" he asks the barmen. "No" comes the reply. "I'll have a plate of carrots then please!"
It's funnier when someones doing the actions.
A burger walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Sorry," says the barman, "We don't serve food."
What did the man say when he walked into the bar?
Ouch!
A man walks into a bar and asks the barmen if he wants to see something special. He takes a frog out of pocket and tells it to jump. It does. He tells it to jump and again it does. he gives the command and for a third tiome the frog jumps. The barmen begins to congradulate him but he is cut-off. the man then takes a knife from his pocket and cuts all the frogs legs off. He tells it to jump. It wobbles a bit. He tells it to jump again and it just stays still. He tries a third time but still no response. "There!" He proudly exclaims, "Cut a frog's legs off and it's deaf!"
The next day the rabbit bounces in and asks for a plate of carrots. Again the barman tells him they don't serve food.
The next day the rabbit again goes to the bar and asks for a plate of carrots. The barmen angrily says" If you ask for another plate of carrots i'm going to nail your paws to the bar!"
The following day the rabbit bounces up to the bar ."Got any nails?" he asks the barmen. "No" comes the reply. "I'll have a plate of carrots then please!"
It's funnier when someones doing the actions.
A burger walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Sorry," says the barman, "We don't serve food."
What did the man say when he walked into the bar?
Ouch!
A man walks into a bar and asks the barmen if he wants to see something special. He takes a frog out of pocket and tells it to jump. It does. He tells it to jump and again it does. he gives the command and for a third tiome the frog jumps. The barmen begins to congradulate him but he is cut-off. the man then takes a knife from his pocket and cuts all the frogs legs off. He tells it to jump. It wobbles a bit. He tells it to jump again and it just stays still. He tries a third time but still no response. "There!" He proudly exclaims, "Cut a frog's legs off and it's deaf!"
Ph34r teh eyebrow!!11!Writers Guild Sluggite Pawn of Chaos WYGIWYGAINGW so now i have to put ACPATHNTDWATGODW in my sig EBC-Honorary Geordie
Hammerman! Hammer!
Hammerman! Hammer!
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thecreech
- Smasher/Devourer
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- Contact:
Avon Calling
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."