The coming Dolphin Age

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-07-07 12:42am

http://www.theonion.com/onion3630/dolph ... humbs.html

HONOLULU—In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

Above: One of the evolved dolphins, whose opposable thumbs have struck fear in the hearts of humankind.
"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."

Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."

Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.

"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."

Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins—believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man—to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

Above: A primitive axe crafted out of driftwood and shell that is believed to be the handiwork of dolphins.
"They really seem to be making up for lost time with this thumb thing," said Dr. Jim Kuczaj, a University of California–San Diego biologist who has studied the seasonal behavior of dolphins for more than 30 years. "Last Friday, a crude seaweed-and-shell abacus washed up on the beach near Hilo, Hawaii. The next day, a far more sophisticated abacus, fashioned from some unknown material and capable of calculating equations involving numbers of up to 16 digits, washed up on the same beach. The day after that, the beach was littered with thousands of what turned out to be coral-silicate and kelp-based biomicrocircuitry."

"My God," Kuczaj added. "What are they doing down there?"

It is unknown what precipitated the dolphins' sudden development of opposable thumbs. Some dolphin behaviorists believe that the gentle marine mammal, pushed to the brink by humanity's reckless pollution and exploitation of the sea, tapped into some previously unmined mental powers to spontaneously generate a thumb-like appendage. However, given that 95 percent of the world's dolphin experts have committed suicide since learning of the development, the full story may never be known.

"You must believe, sleek ocean masters, that many of us homo sapiens weep with shame and disgust over the degradation to which our species has subjected our All-Mother, the Great World-Sea," read the suicide note of Dr. Richard Morse, a Brisbane, Australia, delphinologist and regular contributor to Marine Mammal Science. "If you are reading this, I estimate that it is the day we know as August 31, 2000. Please be decent and kind masters to our poor ape-race. Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the tracking collars."

"Scientists once wondered whether dolphins, with their remarkably advanced social and language structures, are actually smarter than we are," said Aoki, ushering reporters out of the laboratory he claimed "will either be a smoking hole or a zoo exhibit in the coming Dolphin Age." "Well, we're not wondering anymore."

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-07-07 12:46am

...this is three years old. Funny, but three years old.

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-07-07 12:46am

I know and I dont care!

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-07-07 12:51am

I've seen this far to many times to even chuckle.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-07-07 12:53am

This has been printed in a book already, it's so old.

Damaramu · Post by **Damaramu** » 2003-07-07 12:56am

It's 3 years old.

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-07-07 12:58am

So? I still find it funny

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-07-07 01:09am

I find lots of old shit funny, I don’t however post widely known examples of it.

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-07-07 01:11am

Eh.. I figured they may be a few that have not seen it, and want to spread the 20 min of laughter I had gotten from it... A problem with that do you have?

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-07-07 01:15am

None really

+3

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-07-07 01:29am

ok... lol

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-07-07 01:30am

I knew it was old, but I didn't think it was 3 years old. But, since this is the first time I've read it, it's like it's new,

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2003-07-07 01:33am

I hate it when the Onion reruns...

But then again, I guess their brains do need a break every now and then.

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2003-07-07 01:36am

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:I hate it when the Onion reruns...

But then again, I guess their brains do need a break every now and then.

This isn't a rerun.

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-07-07 01:37am

Eh, i've never seen this one before...

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2003-07-07 01:38am

XaLEv wrote:
Spanky The Dolphin wrote:I hate it when the Onion reruns...

But then again, I guess their brains do need a break every now and then.
This isn't a rerun.

You're right. In that case...

Post Count +1

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-07-07 01:38am

I want to laugh too.
Haha
+1

Hamel · Post by **Hamel** » 2003-07-07 01:51am

oooh man is that something.

The Duchess of Zeon · Post by **The Duchess of Zeon** » 2003-07-07 03:07am

Sea Skimmer wrote:None really

+3

I think this general situation would call for "Use Nukes!" as a slogan. There's only so many Dolphins...

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-07 03:28am

Behold... it's the DAY OF THE DOLPHINS!

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-07-07 03:40am

I fucking love that movie.... I havent seen it for a LOOOONG time though...

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-07-07 03:44am

i didnt find it in the least funny. sorry aly.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-07-07 03:51am

The Duchess of Zeon wrote:
I think this general situation would call for "Use Nukes!" as a slogan. There's only so many Dolphins...

We don't need nukes. The USN's new sonar should do the trick. Though the atomic depth charge is a nice weapon.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2003-07-07 11:53am

Oldie but goodie, this is still one of my favorite articles, right up there with "Clinton to drop DA BOMB on Iraq"

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-07-07 12:26pm

I hadn't read it before, so I thought it was going to be about the Spankster overtaking the world or something.

So much for that.

But I'd never read it before and I thought it was funny, Aly, so thanks for posting it.