The Darwin Awards

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-07-04 08:55pm

Here is the official Darwin Awards Thread.

Any Awards that are sick, awesome, gruesome or just plain hilarious belong here.

I'll start with 2 funny ones.

A man wanted his car to run faster. So he added a few litres of nitro-glycerin to the fuel tank. It blew up his garage, and part of his house.

A window washer stood on a chair to reach the top bit of the window. A few problems:
1. The chair had little wheels on the legs.
2. He was on a rickety little platform, no guardrails.
3. He was 10 stories in the air.
4. There was a very strong gust of wind.

As he fell, he yelled: "What the fuck went wrong?!?"

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-07-04 09:00pm

Wasn't there a man who was run over by a train when he was standing on the tracks talking on the phone, and had his hand on his ear to block the sound of the oncoming train?

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-07-04 09:08pm

I like the story of a medieval town where they decided to go to war with a nearby town. So they decided to build a cannon, so they made one out of wood, at a test firing half the town's population was wiped out.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-07-04 09:11pm

Gandalf wrote:I like the story of a medieval town where they decided to go to war with a nearby town. So they decided to build a cannon, so they made one out of wood, at a test firing half the town's population was wiped out.

ha Ha HA Ha ha Ha HA!!

Alright, no for some sick ones:

A man was relieving himself through a wooden fence. A dog came up and bit his wang off.

Same thing, different guy, this time through a metal fence. Lightning hit the fence. His manhood exploded.

We need a :pain: smiley.

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-07-04 09:14pm

YT300000 wrote:A man was relieving himself through a wooden fence. A dog came up and bit his wang off.

Same thing, different guy, this time through a metal fence. Lightning hit the fence. His manhood exploded.

These two can inspire a modification to a song.

"When a man becomes a woman"

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-07-04 09:22pm

This really ought to be the Official Urban Legend thread...

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-07-04 09:28pm

Crayz9000 wrote:This really ought to be the Official Urban Legend thread...

Darwin Awards are only given if it is proven that the stupidity happened, was documented, and done when the person was fully concious, and knew (?) what they were doing, removing themselves from the gene pool via death or removal/failure/exess mutiliation/etc. of sexual organs.

Kitsune · Post by **Kitsune** » 2003-07-04 09:36pm

YT300000 wrote: Darwin Awards are only given if it is proven that the stupidity happened, was documented, and done when the person was fully concious, and knew (?) what they were doing, removing themselves from the gene pool via death or removal/failure/exess mutiliation/etc. of sexual organs.

I question this. I have not actually seen it but there is a story of a person putting JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) thrusters on a car and some skeptics actually did virtually the same event with safeties like having the car remote controlled, at the description of what happened is nothing like there experiment. The car, for example, only reached about 200 mph on the thrusters.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-07-04 09:44pm

Kitsune wrote:
YT300000 wrote: Darwin Awards are only given if it is proven that the stupidity happened, was documented, and done when the person was fully concious, and knew (?) what they were doing, removing themselves from the gene pool via death or removal/failure/exess mutiliation/etc. of sexual organs.
I question this. I have not actually seen it but there is a story of a person putting JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) thrusters on a car and some skeptics actually did virtually the same event with safeties like having the car remote controlled, at the description of what happened is nothing like there experiment. The car, for example, only reached about 200 mph on the thrusters.

Well, some are exaggerated, but they are mostly accurate.

The Darwin Awards people can about 100 judges who go to each place and look for proof.

There are categories of DAs called Honourable Mentions (not removing oneself from the gene pool, but coming close), Urban Legends (FoaF's, probably didn't happen), Personal Accounts.

Honourable Mentions are sometimes not life-threatening. Like the woman who put her boat in the water, but forgot to take it off the trailer.

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-07-04 09:46pm

The stories we can believe are those we can verify in newspaper,told by police officers and medical personnel.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-07-04 09:57pm

Heres are very recent one:

(12 January 2003, Philippines) Cockfighting is a popular gambling sport in the Philippines. Roosters are aggressive creatures that fight one another in the wild to establish a "pecking order." When their natural arsenals of claws and beaks are supplemented with sharp steel spurs, these feathered animals are transformed into deadly weapons. A trained rooster is an extremely vicious creature.
Usually the fury of an enraged rooster is directed against another rooster in an arena surrounded by avid spectators. But at a recent match in Zamboanga, a cock owner was the target of his own bird. He had just strapped razor-sharp gaffs onto its legs when he lost control of the animal. The bird turned on him, and in "one rapid shuffle," its gaffs sliced through major arteries in his thigh and groin.

Despite routinely handling razor-wielding roosters, the man was not wearing protective clothing. He bled to death en route to the hospital.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-07-05 01:06pm

A personal account:

(1998, Texas) I attended a professional diving course at the Ocean Corporation in Houston. At this school, one learns not just standard SCUBA techniques, but also esoteric practices such as saturation diving, underwater welding, decompression procedures, and diving while tethered to a diving bell. The instructors are mostly divers who worked for major oil companies in the Gulf of Mexico.

Diving can be extremely dangerous. Professional diving is second only to a military career for the likelihood of death or injury, despite the presence of safety personnel scouting for safety violations. Even knowledgeable and trained divers can make colossally stupid decisions, and as the following tale illustrates, there isn't always room for a second chance.

First, start with a hook. Not just any old hook, but a large hook attached to an oil rig crane. These cranes are used to lift items heavy items off cargo ship decks. Normally, a crane is equipped with a safety hook with a metal latch that secures the hooked item. Safety hooks are necessary when working offshore, as even light seas can bounce items right off the hook. Very dangerous, particularly to whatever lies beneath the falling mass.

The absence of a safety hook was the first error.

Second, consider a capped oil well. When an oil rig digs a new hole in an oilfield, oil is not necessarily pumped from the hole right away. Sometimes the well is sealed with a reinforced steel cap. Over time, the oil and the sea floor settle and create a vacuum against the cap. The pressure can be small or large; there's no way to tell in advance. So when a cap is pulled, it's standard procedure to make sure there is no one in the water.

Enter our contestant. He was working on a capped oil well.

His job was to attach the crane hook to the cap, which was approximately one hundred feet deep. Down he goes, hooks the cap, up he comes, and out of the water. Simple enough, but the hook is missing its safety latch.

The crane starts pulling -- and whoops! The hook slides off the cap.

So the diver goes back down and hooks the cap again. It's then that he has a bright idea. Just in case the hook slips again, he decides to stay close by, thirty feet up on an underwater rope ladder.

Not vacating the water was the second error.

The diver tells the topside crew to give it a pull. They tell him to come up. He convinces them that he's perfectly safe, and well away from the cap. The folks topside don't want to waste time arguing, so the crane guy goes for it. This time, the crane pulled the cap off the well.

This particular cap was on a sixteen-inch diameter pipe, sized to move a LOT of fluid VERY quickly. It had been capped and settling for several MONTHS. Oh, and did I mention that the diver didn't even secure himself to the ladder with a safety latch? You guessed it. The suction from the pipe sucked the very surprised diver right off the ladder and into the pipe.

But a diver does not fit into a sixteen-inch pipe.

They figure the pressure sucked in one leg, while the other one stuck straight up. The suction was so powerful that events didn't end with his body wedged in that position. The combined forces of suction and water pressure were sufficient to essentially suck him right out of his suit, from the inside out.

The only item recovered was his steel helmet, which was bigger than the pipe, and his tank of emergency air.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-07-05 08:00pm

among myy favourites have to be the old "lets see what we can stick in our urethra" crowd - especially the guy who didn't realise that tampons exapnd when they get wet.

Specialist · Post by **Specialist** » 2003-07-08 01:42am

I introduce BigTime Dealer as the new owner of the Darwin Award

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-07-08 03:07am

innerbrat wrote:among myy favourites have to be the old "lets see what we can stick in our urethra" crowd - especially the guy who didn't realise that tampons exapnd when they get wet.

AAIIIIEEEEE!!!

*cries*

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-07-08 04:08am

innerbrat wrote:among myy favourites have to be the old "lets see what we can stick in our urethra" crowd - especially the guy who didn't realise that tampons exapnd when they get wet.

LOL
Reminds me of a news snipit I read years ago when I frist started surfing the web.
There was this highschool student who was not feeling to clean down below so she figuered that baking soda and pure sodium would take care of any femine problems so she lifted some pure sodium from her chem class and excused herself so she could go to the bathroom, well you know what happens when pure soduim gets wet.
Needless to say her childbaring days where in deep shit.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-07-08 04:16am

LT.Hit-Man wrote: Needless to say her childbaring days where in deep shit.

The wordgood comes to mind.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-07-08 04:18am

[quote="Sea Skimmer
The wordgood comes to mind.[/quote]

are you going on about?

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-07-08 04:20am

As in, good that she'll never be able to reproduce...

The Duchess of Zeon · Post by **The Duchess of Zeon** » 2003-07-08 04:21am

innerbrat wrote:among myy favourites have to be the old "lets see what we can stick in our urethra" crowd - especially the guy who didn't realise that tampons exapnd when they get wet.

That should be a mandatory punishment for men who repeatedly evade their child support payments.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-07-08 04:26am

Crayz9000 wrote:As in, good that she'll never be able to reproduce...

Ah Ic, it's 4:30am here, I've had a long hard day and I can't sleep so I'm not quite up to speed right now.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-07-08 04:27am

The Duchess of Zeon wrote: That should be a mandatory punishment for men who repeatedly evade their child support payments.

And what do you think the punishment should be for woman who skip out on there child support payments?

The Duchess of Zeon · Post by **The Duchess of Zeon** » 2003-07-08 04:36am

LT.Hit-Man wrote:
And what do you think the punishment should be for woman who skip out on there child support payments?

They already went through pregnancy.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-07-08 04:41am

The Duchess of Zeon wrote:
LT.Hit-Man wrote:
And what do you think the punishment should be for woman who skip out on there child support payments?
They already went through pregnancy.

That don't cut ice with me after all it takes two to tango.

Let me expand on that since both the guy and the gal in question had a child they BOTH should take responablty to see to that child's welfare
Otherwise they should BOTH pay the price for failing to see to that child's needs after all if they are not ready to take care of a child then they Both should take the nessacry mesusers to prevent that child from being born in the first place, if they can't do that they they should not be screwing.

The Duchess of Zeon · Post by **The Duchess of Zeon** » 2003-07-08 06:09am

LT.Hit-Man wrote:
That don't cut ice with me after all it takes two to tango.

Let me expand on that since both the guy and the gal in question had a child they BOTH should take responablty to see to that child's welfare
Otherwise they should BOTH pay the price for failing to see to that child's needs after all if they are not ready to take care of a child then they Both should take the nessacry mesusers to prevent that child from being born in the first place, if they can't do that they they should not be screwing.

I know, I know. I just meant that the pain involved would be reciprocal then, ignoring the other punishments that would also occur.