This is funny (French joke).

Perinquus · Post by **Perinquus** » 2003-07-08 06:05pm

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up.

After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie that French Bastard to my back."

Gil Hamilton · Post by **Gil Hamilton** » 2003-07-08 06:07pm

Hah hah hah!

It's funny because it's true!

Vertigo1 · Post by **Vertigo1** » 2003-07-08 06:08pm

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2003-07-08 06:22pm

LOL!!!

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-07-08 06:24pm

"Great"

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-07-08 06:56pm

i saw that coming. Mwahaha

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-07-08 07:09pm

LOL...cruel yet good.

Post by **Colonel Olrik** » 2003-07-08 07:22pm

A portuguese, an american and a french are exploring an unknown region of Africa, when they're caught be a primitive tribe of gay men.

The chief of the tribe approaches them, and asks the portuguese: Death, or tum tum?

The portuguese looks nervously around him, and says: err, tum tum?

There's an evil grin in the chiefs face, and the portuguese is dragged into a nearby hut. Horrible yells follow.

Then the chief turns toward the american, and asks: Death, or tum tum?

The american thinks of his mission and blessed land, and chooses tum tum, for God and country. He's dragged into another hut, and horrible yells follow.

Then the chief approaches the french, and asks him: Death, or tum tum?

The french eyes the chief with an arrogant stare, and replies: A frenchman is too good for the likes of you. I'll take Death.

The chief thinks for a moment, smiles, and says: Good good, warriors hungry. But first, warriors stuff frog with Tum Tum.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-07-08 08:09pm

I heard a variation where it's death or 'ooga booga', and ooga booga involves being raped by every man in the tribe, and when one guy choses death, the chief yells 'DEATH BY OOGA BOOGA!'

TrailerParkJawa · Post by **TrailerParkJawa** » 2003-07-08 10:39pm

HemlockGrey wrote:I heard a variation where it's death or 'ooga booga', and ooga booga involves being raped by every man in the tribe, and when one guy choses death, the chief yells 'DEATH BY OOGA BOOGA!'

I heard this varient. It was Unga Bunga.

First man is raped by 1 burly warrior.
Second man is raped by 2 burly warriors.
Third man choses, Unga Bunga and is raped by the whole village. "death by unga bunga"

I heard it while drinking with buddies and playing card games. I almost thought I was going to be hospitalized I was laughing so hard.

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-07-09 07:43am

I'm

to both of them. This is great.

Gil Hamilton · Post by **Gil Hamilton** » 2003-07-09 09:32am

That reminds me of a joke I heard.

An Englishman, an American, and a Frenchmen were in the Amazon when they were attacked by a band of cannibals. They put up a valiant struggle, but in the end, they were beat and carried back to the cannibal village. So the Chief, who spoke some English said, "We are going to kill you, eat you, and make your skin into a canoe. But first you may have one weapon, which you can use to try and get your freedom."

The Englishman requested the knife from his travel bag, and tried to attack the chief. He was grabbed by the guards and dragged off to the Kitchen Hut.

The American requested his revolver, which he tried to shoot the Chief, but only got one shot off (hit a guard), because he was disarmed and dragged off to the Kitchen Hut.

The Frenchman saw this and he requested a fork from his bag. They were puzzled on how he was going to use this for a weapon, but they handed him the fork. Suddenly, the Frenchmen quickly stabbed himself all over. Before he died he yelled "I hope your boat sinks!"

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-07-09 12:23pm

All classics. Although, I prefer the version of the "canoe" joke I heard where the explorers weren't from different countries. It ended with the fork guy saying "This is what I think of your damn boat!".

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2003-07-09 12:42pm

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman have been captured by a tribe of savages and are waiting to be executed when another captive whispers to them that the tribe are afraid of natural disasters. On hearing this, the three friends work out a plan. Later, the Englishman is standing in front of a tribal firing squad (using bows and arrows). The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "ERUPTION!" yells the Englishman, who escapes while the tribe are fleeing, terrified. When everything has quietened down the Scotsman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "EARTHQUAKE!" yells the Scotsman, who escapes while the tribe are looking over their shoulders, saying, "where?". When everything has quietened down the Irishman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "FIRE!" yells the Irishman.

Perinquus · Post by **Perinquus** » 2003-07-09 12:55pm

Various French jokes follow:

I got a tip for you , if you install the french versions of your favorite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

Why did the French give the Statue of Liberty to America? It wouldn't work in France; she has only one arm raised.

The French Army Theme Song: "Be Our Guest!! Be Our Guest!!!"

Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son." "I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid."

Q.What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school? A.How to say "We Surrender" in German!

Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof? A: 3 if you slice them thin enough.

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-07-09 03:33pm

All of these are hilarious!

Post by **fgalkin** » 2003-07-09 04:09pm

A German woman. a French woman and a Russian woman had given birth. However, the nurse mixed up the name tags, and now there is no way to find out whose child is it.

However, the German woman had an idea. She walked up to the cribs where the three children lay, and shouted SIEG HEIL! The German boy automatically responded, and she took her child.

Seeing that, the Russian woman walked up to the crib and took one of the children.

"But how do you know that's your child?" asked the French woman.
"It's very simple," said the Russian woman. "When the German said her Sieg Hiel, your child shit himself, while mine clenched his fists!"

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-07-09 04:13pm

haha. . .funny stuff.

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-07-09 04:37pm

fgalkin wrote:A German woman. a French woman and a Russian woman had given birth. However, the nurse mixed up the name tags, and now there is no way to find out whose child is it.

However, the German woman had an idea. She walked up to the cribs where the three children lay, and shouted SIEG HEIL! The German boy automatically responded, and she took her child.

Seeing that, the Russian woman walked up to the crib and took one of the children.

"But how do you know that's your child?" asked the French woman.
"It's very simple," said the Russian woman. "When the German said her Sieg Hiel, your child shit himself, while mine clenched his fists!"

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

LOfuckingL

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-07-09 08:04pm

Admiral Valdemar wrote:An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman have been captured by a tribe of savages and are waiting to be executed when another captive whispers to them that the tribe are afraid of natural disasters. On hearing this, the three friends work out a plan. Later, the Englishman is standing in front of a tribal firing squad (using bows and arrows). The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "ERUPTION!" yells the Englishman, who escapes while the tribe are fleeing, terrified. When everything has quietened down the Scotsman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "EARTHQUAKE!" yells the Scotsman, who escapes while the tribe are looking over their shoulders, saying, "where?". When everything has quietened down the Irishman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "FIRE!" yells the Irishman.

The version I heard had a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, being executed by the firing squad of the police. So it's either a dumb blonde or a dumb Irishman. Take your pick.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2003-07-09 08:41pm

Why are the streets of paris lined with trees?
Germans like to march in the shade.