Link.Nick Fielding, Pimp Extraodinaire wrote:Considering we've already figured out the lies that women tell, I've decided that it's time for a rebuttal. After all, we aren't saints by any means -- we certainly tend to twist the truth in order to protect our women, make them happy and place our own hides in a better light.
Sometimes, one might say, lying is necessary, but other times, we might be better off just admitting the truth. You can try to justify your lies by convincing yourself that you're simply optimizing your truth management skills, but at the end of the day, you know deep down inside that you've been keeping the truth neatly tucked away. Here are 10 of the many lies men opt to tell.
Number 10: No, you don't look fat
The following situation is familiar to most guys in relationships: You and your girlfriend are preparing for a night out and, as you wait for her to finish up, she comes out of the bedroom and asks, "Do I look fat in this?"
The best answer I have come up with is, "No, of course you don't look fat," followed by "you're beautiful" or other flattering comments.
Other than ignoring your girlfriend's question, this is the only way to come out of the situation unscathed; your other answers will be twisted into something you didn't mean and door slamming will likely ensue. Whether or not she actually is giving Shamu a run for his money is irrelevant -- she feels chunky and your mission is to put her fears to rest.
Number 9: I don't enjoy going to strip joints
Strip joints, like pornographic movies, appeal to our most primal instincts of sex, which few men (if any) can ignore. It's simply a shame that our girlfriends can't accept that we like seeing beautiful women dancing naked on stage.
Despite this logic, the lie still propagates in relationships because it reassures your woman that there is no one else in the world worth fantasizing about. However, in reality, it's natural for us to enjoy this genre of entertainment, just as your girlfriend wouldn't admit to watching soap operas for the handsome men and romantic sex scenes.
Number 8: We'll talk about it later
This little phrase helps most of us end an argument or potential squabble. In most cases, we really don't want to "talk about it later," we never want to talk about it. Putting off the possibility of a blowup gives us some time to underline the uselessness of arguing over something so minute.
Although it's a potent tool in your arsenal, make sure not to use it too often, or else its underlying motives will become apparent.
Number 7: You remind me of Jennifer Lopez
The ultimate compliment to a woman can also be your biggest lie. Comparing her to an incredibly beautiful movie star may raise her self-confidence, but let's face it; is she really that hot? Congrats to you if she is, but most of us cannot claim that big a prize.
Our women are beautiful, but stretching the truth may actually do more harm than good in certain cases. It's all about timing -- don't lay it on too thick and you'll be getting breakfast in bed in no time.
Number 6: I love your cooking
Since some women can't make toast without a recipe book, there has to be an "out" for guys who get stuck with the culinarily challenged. Your best bet is to grin and bear it. Hey, at least she's cooking for you.
However, if you have to ingest antacids by the truckload, perhaps you should start offering to help out with dinner. Otherwise, you may end up having to eat blackened food for years to come.
Number 5: I don't think of other women
Another denial of programmed emotions men face, this lie is usually called for, no matter how moral you are. You don't want to hurt your girlfriend, right? So, you have no choice but to deny that no other women (real or imaginary) are ever on your mind. If she believed you when you said, "I've never seen a woman more beautiful than you," this will be a piece of cake. Just be sure not to precede this lie with #7 on the list.
Providing you don't think about other women all the time, you're in the clear because fantasizing or drooling over a hot babe in a magazine from time to time is no crime -- even a psychiatrist would tell you that.
Number 4: You can use my razor to shave your legs
If the thought of your girlfriend's legs full of hairy fuzz wasn't unsightly enough, some men have to deal with a recycled razor -- that is, one of your own beard-busters. The thing is, confronting her about this may not be worth it, since the argument could really escalate. Instead, buy her a razor for when she spends the night at your place, and hide your own.
Number 3: I love Meg Ryan movies
Some untruths exist simply to help you save your energy and this is certainly one of them. Instead of explaining how unrealistic, silly and boring romantic comedies are, it is better to simply tune out during the movie and reap the benefits of a happy, romantic-minded girlfriend afterward.
Get yourself a big bag of popcorn, candy and a drink, and when you're done, head to the bathroom and chat it up with all the other guys who love Meg Ryan movies.
Number 2: I love spending time with your mom
Sometimes, the key to a woman's heart is through her family, even though they may be more obnoxious than the Costanzas from Seinfeld. It is worth putting up with them if you get the girl, especially if you are really serious about the relationship. Admit to your girlfriend that you do, in fact, enjoy going over to her parents' house for dinner.
A fortunate guy will have the best in-laws ever, but, if history is any indication, the odds of this are quite slim. Therefore, enduring her mother's quirks, comments and behavior becomes an important part of your repertoire, as does your insistence that family time is fun.
Number 1: I'm sorry
Whether it's to escape a sticky situation or nip an argument in the bud, these two little words can come in quite handy. Used sparingly, this device is your greatest route to turning your girlfriend's scowl into a smile, if it's said with conviction. She could be going on about one of your idiosyncrasies or something you have said and all you have to do is stop her, say "I'm sorry" followed by a promise to change, and everything will be all right, at least for the time being.
This phrase should be familiar, as it is the same one used when your mother scolded you as a child. As such, this lie has stood the test of time and remains the weapon of choice for many stricken males.
You'd never lie...
And there you have it; some of the most popular lies we have up our sleeves in times of trouble. Of course, lying is wrong and you should never do it unless it's necessary. Honest.
Ok, for the record, I don't ask guys if they think I'm fat, I would expect guys to want to go to strip clubs and I wouldn't have a problem with that (hey hey, he'd be all kinds of in the mood when he got back), I wouldn't borrow someone else's razor like I wouldn't borrow someone else's toothbrush--I don't care who you are, that's just yucky--I would never assume that any guys like romantic comedies, so I'm not the world's best cook, sue me, and, most importantly, if my boyfriend apologizes to me about something, HE HAD BETTER FUCKING MEAN IT! What the fuck is the deal with saying you're sorry to get your girlfriend to shut up? That's incredibly rude, not to mention hurtful, callous, immature, selfish and just plain weak. Any guy who does that needs to grow some balls so he can deal with the issue instead of just pushing it aside like that. Ass.
