Ok, Formula for the Ultimate B movie

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-07-28 01:59pm

I think it started with Give me Baldwins and Tillys and sort of blossemed from there.

So can anyone start to figure out the formula for the perfect B-movie, how to ballance out all of the aspects. Example, Bruce Cambel works awsome, just won't combine with other elements, so you have to work on seprate formulas...

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-28 02:09pm

Do it the Kevin Lindenmuth way - instead of first writing the movie and then start acquiring props and sets, you first see what props, costumes, sets and locations you already have access to and which people are willing to participate - then you start writing the movie. The results of this filmmaking method are often hilarious.

For example - in "Rat Phink A Boo Boo" a gorilla suddenly shows up because the filmmakers found a gorilla costume at their disposal.

And that's before we mention "Six-String Samurai"...

Demiurge · Post by **Demiurge** » 2003-07-28 02:13pm

There MUST be a scene with a woman in the shower rubbing her breasts. That's a must.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-28 02:56pm

There should also be.... A MUSIC VIDEO! And if we can afford it, a car chase. In case nobody wants to donate their cars to the car chase, we can just buy a pair of old clunkers who belong to the scrapyards.

And the actor portraying the main villain needs to overact as much as possible. I love villains who chew the scenery.

It wouldn't be too bad either if the movie started with somebody saying "Future events such as these will happen in the future!!"

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-07-28 03:04pm

You must have at least one teenaged couple in the movie, who must die in some violent, twisted manner whilst having sex.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-28 03:07pm

LadyTevar wrote:You must have at least one teenaged couple in the movie, who must die in some violent, twisted manner whilst having sex.

What about the male teenager turning into a vicious-looking demon during sex, killing his female partner and destroying the building in the process?

(Okay, we'll risk a lawsuit from the makers of "Urotsekidoji". But it'll be worth it.)

Crazy Goji · Post by **Crazy Goji** » 2003-07-28 03:13pm

Okay, what you need:

Black Backdrop with Holes.
Several spaceship sets found on a backlot
An Alien Costume or Two
Puppets and/or Cheap CGI
Slightly Modified Star Wars Models
Annoying Teenagers
Annoyingly Stupid Adults
Shower scene
A narrator with a strangely serious voice
A go-cart
Old Costumes found at the backlot of some cheap movie company
About 70 reels of stockfootage
And one flying saucer.

Script not included.

Demiurge · Post by **Demiurge** » 2003-07-28 03:13pm

LadyTevar wrote:You must have at least one teenaged couple in the movie, who must die in some violent, twisted manner whilst having sex.

It's preferable that they die in the most unrealistic and confusing way possible. For instance, the killer could splash some hot sink water on them, causing them to die instantly.

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-07-28 03:43pm

Demiurge wrote:
LadyTevar wrote:You must have at least one teenaged couple in the movie, who must die in some violent, twisted manner whilst having sex.
It's preferable that they die in the most unrealistic and confusing way possible. For instance, the killer could splash some hot sink water on them, causing them to die instantly.

Or break the mirror that's conveniently hanging over the bed they're making out on.... *smirk*

Crazy Goji · Post by **Crazy Goji** » 2003-07-28 04:01pm

That wouldn't work. THey are probably making out in a car on Make-Out Point, a conviently placed cliff that overlooks the city.

Mitth`raw`nuruodo · Post by **Mitth`raw`nuruodo** » 2003-07-28 04:03pm

Crazy Goji wrote:That wouldn't work. THey are probably making out in a car on Make-Out Point, a conviently placed cliff that overlooks the city.

/me pushes car off cliff, half the film's budget goes with it in one big explosion

There, that's solved

Crazy Goji · Post by **Crazy Goji** » 2003-07-28 04:33pm

Mitth-raw-nuruodo wrote:
Crazy Goji wrote:That wouldn't work. THey are probably making out in a car on Make-Out Point, a conviently placed cliff that overlooks the city.
/me pushes car off cliff, half the film's budget goes with it in one big explosion

There, that's solved

Not if they use Stock-footage.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-07-28 05:51pm

If you're looking for actors - I'm willing to play teh bitchy blonde who dies horribly half way through.

But only, I mean ONLY, if there are hubcaps on strings! HUBCAPS ON STRINGS!

Crazy Goji · Post by **Crazy Goji** » 2003-07-28 06:36pm

innerbrat wrote:If you're looking for actors - I'm willing to play teh bitchy blonde who dies horribly half way through.

But only, I mean ONLY, if there are hubcaps on strings! HUBCAPS ON STRINGS!

Done. You will die a gruesome death as a Hubcap on a string crashes into a model of the building you are in.

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » 2003-07-28 06:40pm

Crazy Goji wrote:
innerbrat wrote:If you're looking for actors - I'm willing to play teh bitchy blonde who dies horribly half way through.

But only, I mean ONLY, if there are hubcaps on strings! HUBCAPS ON STRINGS!
Done. You will die a gruesome death as a Hubcap on a string crashes into a model of the building you are in.

And we shall call it... HUBCAPS FROM PLANET Z!

Demiurge · Post by **Demiurge** » 2003-07-28 06:45pm

Crazy Goji wrote:
innerbrat wrote:If you're looking for actors - I'm willing to play teh bitchy blonde who dies horribly half way through.

But only, I mean ONLY, if there are hubcaps on strings! HUBCAPS ON STRINGS!
Done. You will die a gruesome death as a Hubcap on a string crashes into a model of the building you are in.

Or... she could see the hubcaps and scream so much that she dies!

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-07-29 03:16am

Hmm, should we nominate bruce cambell for villian?

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-07-29 03:17am

Demiurge wrote:There MUST be a scene with a woman in the shower rubbing her breasts. That's a must.

She should rub some other parts of her body too...

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-07-29 03:22am

She should get another woman to help bathe her

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-29 04:16am

The Yosemite Bear wrote:Hmm, should we nominate bruce cambell for villian?

No, he'd be too expensive. Just let me handle the villainy business - I'm also sufficiently ugly for the task.

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-07-29 04:50am

Well, the title should end in one of the following ways...

[insert words here]...OF DOOM

[insert words here]...FROM SPACE/PLANET [insert letter of choice here]

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-29 05:07am

3rd Impact wrote:Well, the title should end in one of the following ways...

[insert words here]...OF DOOM

[insert words here]...FROM SPACE/PLANET [insert letter of choice here]

Here's a guide for finding B-Movies. Maybe we can use this guide the other way 'round... for MAKING a B-Movie.

Okay, the title should be as long as possible and contain as many of following words: Alien, blood, creature, dead, death, demon, kung fu, invasion, massacre, monster, zombie. (possibly also "brain" and "Cthulhu")

(Preferrably: Invasion Of The Alien Blood Creatures And The Massacre of Kung Fu And Death - Also Starring Cthulhu!)

The plot should contain robots, monsters (some of them created by radiation, others not) and undead - and it should preferably be as confusing as possible.

The actors should not have any other filmmaking experience.

We can't get Ed Wood to direct, so we'll just hire his 1990s equivalent - Kevin Lindenmuth.

It will be shot in Italy.

And as for the marketing:

The cover for the video cassette/DVD should be a goofy-looking hologram which appears to be made by somebody's nephew.

The back of the casette should contain a drawing, but no scenes from the movie.

The tagline should contain more adjectives than nouns or verbs, preferably from a Lovecraftian vocabulary - and compare it to another movie.

How's that for a movie?

aphexmonster · Post by **aphexmonster** » 2003-07-29 02:18pm

Dont forget the creepy old guy that everybody in the movie thinks is the killer but really isn't and just turns out to help the kids at the end but only after getting killed in the process actually revealing that he was a good guy....... ::pants .... catches breath::

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-07-29 02:24pm

What was the name of the production company that produced the "PuppetMaster" movies? New Moon? Blood Moon?

Anyway, we can get them to release it for us.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-07-29 02:27pm

That would be "Full Moon Entertainment" my friend Tim does extra limbs for them.