ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown-nosers.
Holy shit!!!!
