Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-08-05 04:16pm

Hahahahaha. On any other ship the crew would be smart enough to STOP EATING but this solution is right inline where there hardest possibul solutions.

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2003-08-05 04:45pm

Geuss the shit realy hit the fan in this chapter.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-08-05 05:38pm

Godless-FUCKING-DAMN, this is ace!

The enterprise having a shit! that's an image that won't soon shift. Holy fuck man...this is...something else. The gnomes had best fuck up the enterprise good.

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-08-05 09:49pm

Rye wrote:
Darth Fanboy wrote:DEATH TO GNOMES!
Wow, this penis envy thing is getting contagious and murderous.

Hey! Guess what, Anthropormorphic or not, Oranges don't have gentials! So Fuck off! I also lovehow your rabid DBZ hating bleeds into this thread when you have the distinct ability to ingore. One knob changes the channel and other turns the TV off!

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-08-05 10:47pm

MKSheppard wrote:
LT.Hit-Man wrote: To late your sorry asses are in a sling this time
Oh shit!

We expect a Fanfic review from you soon, then!

Hopefuly I'm going to give the review a go and hopefuly it'll snap me out of this writing slump I'm in.
Hmmmm stumps that there's an idea and a half
*insane laughter*

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-08-05 10:53pm

Loved Chap 10 that *shit* is pure fucking gold
*insane joker laugh*

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-08-06 11:53am

LT.Hit-Man wrote:Loved Chap 10 that *shit* is pure fucking gold
*insane joker laugh*

Please don't hurt me.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-08-07 01:26pm

Singular Quartet wrote:
LT.Hit-Man wrote:Loved Chap 10 that *shit* is pure fucking gold
*insane joker laugh*
Please don't hurt me.

Heheheheh

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2003-08-10 12:10am

What do you wanna see in Ch11?

I'll be taking applications NOW...

through ICQ or AIM

AIM: MKSheppard
ICQ: 43379423

and at

rrc3813@yahoo.com

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-08-10 03:12am

I say you put hippies in the next chapter. They have fighters that have 3 days' supply of marijuana and water, and 3 weeks' supply of food.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2003-08-10 03:21am

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:I say you put hippies in the next chapter. They have fighters that have 3 days' supply of marijuana and water, and 3 weeks' supply of food.

It's not a surprise nor funny for the rest of the board now, is it?

Here's a gun

*hands Smi a gun*

"Now go shoot yourself"

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-08-10 04:06am

You should include a Federation ustoms agent who is in charge of screening for porn and steals cnfiscated shit, including the infamous ancient "Spock's Cock" film that was banned all over the Federation for proving that the weirdness of Vulcan anatomy isn't limited to The Ears.

ANd i would find it funny if Technobabble turned the Enterprise's trail of shit into a sentinent being.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-08-10 07:54am

Darth Fanboy wrote:You should include a Federation ustoms agent who is in charge of screening for porn and steals cnfiscated shit, including the infamous ancient "Spock's Cock" film that was banned all over the Federation for proving that the weirdness of Vulcan anatomy isn't limited to The Ears.

ANd i would find it funny if Technobabble turned the Enterprise's trail of shit into a sentinent being.

There must also be the cry of "My God, It's full of shit!" at some point, also.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-08-10 10:11pm

Idiots, the reason he gave his email and IM nick was so that you can suggest things in SECRET

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-08-10 11:40pm

Sea Skimmer wrote:Idiots, the reason he gave his email and IM nick was so that you can suggest things in SECRET

bah, I'll save the GOOD ideas for secret, just like I usually do.

Typhonis 1 · Post by **Typhonis 1** » 2003-08-11 02:51am

At least the Feddies aren`t trying to get into Rabid Monkey Labs.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2003-10-26 06:37am

And chapter 11 goes up!

Chapter 11; The Gnomes Don't Show up (Yet), but lots of others do!

***********************

Captain Hyperion of the Federation Very Large Cargo Carrier SS Valdez
sat in his Captain's chair, and tried to make his idea for a penlight phaser work,
using a modified Type I phaser 's internals shoehorned into a penlight cylinder
when all of a sudden, a misfire happened and a red beam shot forth from the
phaser lense, narrowly missing his head by mere centimeters, and instead
hitting the main computer, which was the only other thing on the bridge besides
his chair.

"Oh shit, shit shit, fuck damnit!" shouted Hyperion, who was unsure as to what
string of cursewords to use as the main computer shorted out, causing a kalideoscope
of voices to leap forth from the speakers around the small bridge as random
memory locations were accessed and played forth by the computer as it
emitted an electronic scream and babbled around like a lobotomized man
(which it was now essentially)

"I like you you like me...SEIG HEIL...One small step for man...one giant leap for...
UHHH UHHH"

In disgust, Hyperion re-aimed the penlight, noting the angle of the lenses and shot
the speaker nearest him out. Shit, this was not going to look good on his next
performance review by Starfleet.

The backup computer finally kicked in, and although it was slower than the main
computer, it was adequate for it's purposes.

"This ship's course has been altered by the main computer." announced the
backup computer.

"Shit, can you change it back to what it was before?" asked Hyperion.

"Negative, Captain."

"Fuck. Where are we headed?"

"Our course will intersect with the planet Oberon VI in three point two minutes."

"That's not good." muttered Hyperion.

"It is suggested that all personnel evacuate the ship now, before the warp field
reaches the planetary gravity well of Oberon VI and is explosively stressed."

"Well shit."

With that, Hyperion got out of his chair, and stopped in his small quarters which
were just off the ships' bridge to grab some of his phaser components, a few
books, and of course, a rod that he had found in the waste disposal compartment
a few years ago at Spacedock while his ship was being filled up with liquid
deuterium for a trip to Fenrock XI.

Jumping into the small escape pod which was at the very end of the small corridor
that allowed him to move between the bridge, his quarters, and the small engine
room, Hyperion strapped himself in and activicated the pod ejection mechanism,
grunting as he was exposed to seven gees as the pod shot forth from the
pilotless SS Valdez, it's warp field sustainer keeping him from being reduced
to pancakes as it breached the Valdez's warp field and dropped back into normal
space.

He watched as the Valdez broke up in orbit around Oberon VI, spilling it's cargo
into the atmosphere of the planet. Shit, there went his paycheck for the next
few years.

[Six hours later]

"WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR SHIP?" screamed the Duchess of the Principality of Zeon,
Marina O'Leary, as she heard what had happened to the ship that was bringing
the much-needed load of sperm to Zeon II, for you see, the Principality of Zeon was
an all-female society that had evolved from a sleeper-ship full of Feminists who had
left earth on an ancient DY-100 sleeper ship centuries ago and settled on a new
planet.

"Duchess, I'm sorry, but apparently the Captain decided that playing with phasers was
fun and shot out the ship's computer, causing it to crash on the planet Oberon VI." said
an apologetic Admiral Janeway.

"What? Can the cargo be recovered?" asked O'Leary.

Janeway raised her hands to forestall any protest, causing
O'Leary to think 'God how I hate that bitch and her stupid gestures'.

"I'm afraid Oberon VI is a pre-warp planet off-limits by the prime directive.
Apparently the natives are in the Stone Age, so it's likely the cargo will be
destroyed on site rather than mounting an expensive and long recovery
operation which probably will be spotted by the natives, leading to cultural
contamination."

"Will we be compensated for the loss of the cargo?"

Janeway again raised her hands, causing Marina to grind her
teeth together in frustration.

"I'm afraid not. It seems our Captain Hyperion was an unlicensed Ship's
Master, and as such, the Federation Insurance Agency has declined to
cover your cargo."

Now the grinding began in earnest. "I've heard enough," muttered Marina,
and with that, she shut off Janeway in mid-sentence.

This was nothing but a total catastrophe. They had spent their last cash
reserves in buying this load of sperm from the Federation, and now with
it gone, their society would not be able to viably reproduce itself in about
five standard years.

This called for extreme measures. Pushing a button on her desk, she
summoned her chief problem-solver.

Several minutes later, Master Operative Zaia of the Principality's secret
intelligence agency, the SOS, in particular, the ultra-secret NBA section
arrived and stood at attention before her boss.

"Zaia, I'm afraid we have a problem. We've lost our cargo of Sperm, and
the god-damn Federation won't compensate us. I'm authorizing you to
do the following..."

And with that, Marina wrote down several objectives on a sheet of
paper and slid them over to Zaia, who picked it up and read it.

"OBJECTIVES IN ORDER OF PREFERENCE (EXPLAINED IN ADDENUM)

1.) RECOVER OUR CASH BY STRIKING THE GNOMES
AND SEIZING THEIR OPERATING FUNDS; DENIABLE
2.) KILL ADMIRAL KATHRYN JANEWAY; DENIABLE.
3.) KILL CAPTAIN HYPERION; OPEN

ADDENUM: THE GNOMES ARE HOLDING A MEETING WITH SEVERAL
OTHER PORN CARTELS IN SECTOR 202AB; YOU ARE TO ARRIVE THERE
AND SEIZE THEIR ASSETS AND POSSIBLY KILL THE OTHER CARTEL HEADS
FOR CRIMES AGAINST WOMANKIND."

Zaia simply nodded and left the room for SOS's headquarters,
about half a klick away on the main boulevard of the Capital City
of Sontag, towards NBA's armory, and from there, to the shuttle port
where she'd pick up her cutter that would take her to her jobs
to be completed for the Glory of the Principate.

[Enterprise E Engine Room - A Jeffries tube just off it]

"Ooh baby..." gasped Geordi as he plunged his cock into the artificial
cunt he had designed himself and installed in a little out-of-the way
Jeffries tube that overlapped the main EPS Conduit from the Warp
core to the starboard nacelle.

The heat generated by the ship, as well as a little lubricant, made it feel
like the real thing...Of course, Geordi wouldn't have known what the real
thing felt like if it hadn't been for that fat girl he dated in high school.

His sex life had been to say the least, shitty, what with that god damned
VISOR that he used to have - now there was a pair of "No Fuck" glasses.

His new bionic eyes weren't much better, since word had gotten
around about the secret X-Ray vision built into them, and women
kept slapping him, thinking that he had been peeping on them through
their clothes (which of course he had been doing).

So out of frustration, he had built this artificial vaginia to help relieve
his sexual tension, and it had worked great so far, and he could indulge
in one of his secret fetishes; fucking the Ship herself.

[MAIN SICKBAY]

"Captain, I'm afraid you have Risan Hookworm." said Doctor Crusher
with some regret as she put down the tricorder after scanning Riker, who
had come in complaining of pain around his penis.

"What the fuck is that?" growled Riker as he felt the transporter beam away
another load of shit from his intestines; most of the ship was now over the
outbreak of Mega-Dirarhhea, except for a quarter of the crew. Unfortunately,
one of that quarter was him.

Crusher ignored Riker's profanity, and brought up a 100,000 x magnified image
of the Risan Hookworm onto a display next to the biobed.

"These creatures evolved to follow the sexual practices on Risa, and they are spread
primarily through two methods, through walking over infected soil, or having sexual
contact with an infected being. Sexual contact is the most common method
of transmission; the eggs enter the body thru the Penis or vagina and then lie dormant
for a period of as long as twenty years, and then they begin to hatch."

"I don't want to fucking know everything, just tell me how to get rid of them!"

"You can't." replied Crusher.

"What the fuck?"

"We've tried everything; the only known cure is for them to exit the body through
sexual fluids; I suggest you begin masturbating heavily, Will."

With that, Beverly handed Riker a bottle of Astroglide XXIV, the sexual lubricant
of the 24th century.

"Can't I just fuck Deanna instead?" asked Riker, causing Beverly to look at him
like he had grown a second head.

"It's sexually communicable, Will."

"So?"

Beverly looked at him even more strangely for a moment of
uneasy silence before replying.

"You can't risk exchanging infected fluids with another person. If
your wrist hurts, I can prescribe some painkillers."

"Again, So? She's probably got the damn thing along with a fuckload
of other diseases."

Beverly scowled as she punched up Deanna's private medical record,
and then straightened in shock. "I'll be fucked, you're right, she does
have it...and what the fuck is Q'onos Tapeworms?"

"WHAT THE FUCK?" shouted Riker as he grabbed the PADD from
Crusher and looked at it. "...communicable only from Klingons...why that
lying fucking SKANK!"

Suddenly, the main medical viewer beeped, and the image of Risan
hookworms was replaced with an image of Admiral Janeway, who
saw Riker with his pants down and a scanner over his dick.

"I can see why Picard always called you Number One" muttered Janeway
before resuming what she was going to say.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to delay your trip to the Gnomish base,
apparently there's a cleanup that needs your attention on Oberon VI."

Riker resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he pulled his pants back up.

"So? Get someone else to do it."

"You're the closest ship, Captain Riker, and besides, cleaning up a few
million tons of sperm shoudn't be that hard with your ship's phasers."

"Primitive planet full of screwoffs then?"

"Yep, Kill anyone who stumbles upon the cleanup effort. Thank god Picard
is gone now, we can go back to normal Starfleet standards when dealing
with Enterprise, rather than having to keep a special set around to avoid
pissing Baldy off."

Riker turned to Beverly, who was ashen at this flagrant violation of sentient
rights and slapped her, leaving a red welt on her right cheek.

"You didn't fuckin' hear a damn thing now, Bev."

Janeway smiled at that. "Ahh, the times that brings back with me and Ensign Kim; he
loved to be slapped in our secret sexual trysts....oh wait, I shouldn't have said that.
Janeway Out!" and with that, Janeways' face disappeared, to be replaced with the UPF
logo.

Riker slapped his commbadge and raised the bridge.

"Bridge, this is Captain Riker, reset our course for the planet Oberon VI, and enage,
maximum warp."

"Sir? I thought we were going to bust up the Gnomes?"

"We're still doing that, Ensign. We're just making a stopover on the way."

As the Enterprise swung around at high warp, the sudden changes in the
EPS flow to the starboard warp nacelle as a result of the high-warp
turn had some rather interesting effects.

[JEFFRIES TUBE - OFF MAIN ENGINEERING]

"What the fuck?" muttered Geordi as the artificial cunt sped up and began
to smoke as the irregularities in the EPS powerflow reached the motors driving
it. Unfortunately for Geordi, he like most Starfleet engineers since Montgomery Scott's
disappearance, had forgotten (or neglected) to install surge protectors on equipment
they installed or maintained.

The cunt began to buzz loudly and with a scream from Geordi, it blew up in his groin,
spraying him with scaldingly hot plasma at thousands of degrees. Screaming in pain,
he slapped his commbadge and initated an emergecny site-to-site transport directly
to main sickbay before the Plasma filled the little jeffries tube completely.

[One Hour Later]

Doctor Crusher sighed and put down her medical tools. It had taken all her skill to save
Geordi's life, but alas, she hadn't been able to save his cock. Well, that's what happened
when a EPS conduit blew up right on top of your groin; the only thing left was a charred
stump a few millimeters in length and one badly scorched ball.

END CH 11

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2003-10-26 08:36am

Two hours since it's been posted and not a single comment!

Kill yourselves in shame!

Micheal Ryans, Beta pilot · Post by **Micheal Ryans, Beta pilot** » 2003-10-26 08:58am

Hey, I only just got round to checking it out.

Anyway, extremely funny, as standard.

Mitth`raw`nuruodo · Post by **Mitth`raw`nuruodo** » 2003-10-26 09:25am

Amusing.

I need to read through the whole thing sometime, I think.

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2003-10-26 11:49am

MORE. NEED MORE.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-10-26 01:35pm

Sea Skimmer wrote:Idiots, the reason he gave his email and IM nick was so that you can suggest things in SECRET

Oh, fuck you.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2003-10-26 01:43pm

Singular Quartet wrote: Oh, fuck you.

Wow that was.......two months late

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-10-26 02:00pm

MKSheppard wrote:
Singular Quartet wrote: Oh, fuck you.
Wow that was.......two months late

Same to you.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-10-28 01:57am

Heheheheh. I'm a badass.