1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
It's also an adjective, as in, 'Barbacue Sauce'
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
Wistersheer. See? Easy.
4. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You grill chicken, you don't fry it.
5. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips
If I wanted to see exotic wildlife, I'd go the Philadelphia Zoo.
6. You have no idea what a polecat is.
See above.
7. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
If you even own a poodle, might as well go the whole nine yards.
8. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
I would rather buttfuck myself with a spatula leaking hot grease than vacation at Six Flags.
9. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
I can't even find Conneticut on the map.
10. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
Yous. YOUS guys.
11. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
Come to think of it, he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
12. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
And then I saw some idiot who had pulled a 180 on the world's biggest parking lot and ended up backing into the lane dividers. The on-ramp was just an added bonus.
13. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
If you even visit Neiman Marcus, see number seven.
14. You call binoculars opera glasses.
You made that up.
15. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
Philistine.
16. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
Maybe if I dressed up my poodles and visited Neiman Marcus.
17. You don't know what applique is.
I bet you made that up, too.
18. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
If you've accumulated sweater-wearing poodles, Neiman Marcus perfume, and pink sweatshirts, I don't think doilies are going to make much difference.
19. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
Because usually they're masked, screaming, and waving automatic weapons.
20. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
Yes, you can. You just have to be really clever about it.