First, some lines from The Simpsons "cthulhuized"...
Airplane Announcer:
- Uh, folks, we're experiencing some moderate Cthulhu-related turbulence at this time, so I'm going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on. When we get to 35 thousand feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to worry about is Nyarlathotep, and, uh, we do have reports he's tied up with Hastur the Unspeakable and Lord Nodens at the present time. Thank you very much.
Nahasapeemapetilon, Apu:
- Cthulhu Cultist! There's 700 millions of us!
- One question, Wilbur. If your mother was an albino and your father was an Outer God, how come you are equal parts dinosaur, Spaniard and squid?
Banner, Rex:
... would appear under a certain other name. It's no coincidence that he looks much like HPL. It's neither a coincidence that both Rex Banner and HPL both abstain from alcohol and wear clothes which have been out of fashion for 50+ years. Also, he wouldn't be sent to take care of the beer baron - that task would be reserved for Thomas Malone or Inspector LeGrasse.
Basinger, Kim:
- It would be great to come back to Innsmouth. They have some very interesting odours.
- You killed Robert E. Howard!!
Becky:
- You got Erich Zann to play at our wedding?
Brockman, Kent:
- This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Miskatonic News Copter. A large crinoid being, most likely an Elder Thing, has wandered down from the antarctican mountains in search of food or perhaps employment.
- Springfield has been overtaken by a strange and evil cult known as the "Esoteric Order of Dagon"!
- I am Cthulhu the Clown, who's in for Krusty the Clown.
- I'm here at Dunwich Hospital, where a local woman has just given birth to nine -- that's right -- nine babies, who all have a rather goatish appearance.
- Miskatonic University has reopened its doors. I'm with Barnabas Marsh of Fish-Men First Industries, which has generously stepped in to educate the weirdoes of our generation.
- In other news, President-elect Cthulhu moves into the White House tomorrow.
- Did I say killer space fungi? I ment killer Yankees.
- Whether you're christian or Esoteric Order Of Dagon, you gotta love Cthulhu!
- And now the Esoteric Channel of Dagon presents: "IÄ!! OF THE DAY"
- Tonight: When Shoggoths Are Drunk!
- Kent Brockman live on Babson Street, where today everyone is a little bit Deep One, except, of course, for the gays, the Portuguese and the Polish.
- "What are you looking at?"- the seemingly innocent words leaving the batrachian lips of a repugnant, mewling crossbreed spawned in the decaying abodes of Innsmouth. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young fishman. A town which let itself be embraced by abyssal madness. A town whose very consciousness was washed away in an overwhelming tide of crazed devotion to malign, unspeakable deities from beneath the stygian ocean waves.
- Kent Brockman, at the now-closed Marsh gold refinery, where an mysterious person clad in ebon garments darker than the caliginous twilight of the nocturnal skies keeps a solitary vigil under a horned moon glittering silvern among the majestic cloudscape.
- And that's the story of how a byakhee was promoted to deputy.
- This is Kent Brockman, reporting from his own house to tell about the new curfew affecting anyone not a Great Old One.
Burns, Charles Montgomery:
- Smithers, unleash the Night-Gaunts!
- Smithers, What's the name of this... shoggoth?
- Why haven't I heard of The Marsh Family? They're as rich and wicked as I, but they seems to enjoy tax-exempt status!
- A-hoy-hoy, lowly mortals! In addition to working for me, you can now hail me as a Great Old One!
- A pack of byakhees should have mangled you by now.
- Those Innsmouth guys are always so brittle!
- Why are you laughing? Yog-Sothoth is the cause behind all this trouble.
- That dog is a member of the Esoteric Order of Dagon!
- The product's called "Little Lisa's Deep One Slurry"... and it's made from 100% re-cycled Deep Ones!
Carlson, Carl:
- Cthulhu is perfect!
- We could bugger people from Innsmouth! Nobody likes Innsmouth!
- But 9 is not as close to Cthulhu, which is a good thing.
- Ain't you ever seen the silver-bearded and ancient Lord of the Great Abyss, riding a clam before?
Comic Book Guy:
- Springfield has moved up to #299 on the list of America's most livable 300 cities. Take that, Innsmouth!
- I'm not insane! I just want to take you to a subterranean cave and feed you to Cthulhu.
- Here's some names you may call me on our wedding night: Great Cthulhu, The Third Incarnation of Joseph Curwen, Ayatollah Alhazred and of course, Yig Snake Daddy.
- I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once, to keep Jervas Dudley from digging up graves.
- Worst... Great Old One... ever.
- Two ten-year-olds running my store?? What is this, Dunwich?
- Is there a word in Klingon for "Night-Gaunt"?
- But Father Dagon, you can't marry a woman without gills! You're from two different worlds.
- Take care of my collection of humorous bumperstickers - particularly this one, which was given to me by a guy with the Innsmouth Look.
Disco-Stu:
- Do the Nyarlathotep boogie!
- The Great Old Ones shall boogie again!
Dolph:
- This is Cthulhu-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten degenerate cultists can't tell the difference.
Flanders, Maude:
- My eyes have been soiled... by the hideous sight of Cthulhu's monstrous visage which... is too hideous to possibly be described with deserved loathing in the narrow vocabularies of any language ever spoken by us feeble humans!
- Perhaps you've heard of the Cult Of Dagon - the Poison Fists of Y'ha-nthlei - the Innsmouth mafia.
- And now they're out there... naked, like The Elder Things created them!
Flanders, Ned:
- Homer, Nyarlathotep didn't set your house on fire.
- Well, children, it's Saturday night. So, what say we let our hair down and play "Bombardment of Necronomicon trivia"? Which edition of the Necronomicon - shall it be Aramaic Necromantic Manuscript, Abdul Alhazred's Directors Cut, Children's Necronomicon, Un-Holy Necronomicon, New Age Hippie Necronomicon, John Dee's Olde English Necronomicon, "IÄ YOG-SOTHOTH!", Today's Family Gnostic Necronomicon, Atlantean Royal Necronomicon, The Exorcism-Resistant Necronomicon, Kadath Pentateuch, Fake Sumerian Necronomicon, The Book Of The Dead, NASB-O-Nomicon, Miskatonic Interlinear, The Vulgate of Charles Dexter Ward, The Unintelligible Chant, The Heavy Metal Necronomicon, Who Summoned Whom, The Necronomicon According To Hoyle, Necronomicon To The People!, the Extra-Psychedelic Necronomicon, Chairman Mao's Little Red Necronomicon, Necromantic Romances, That Good Great Old One-Time Religion, Crazy Abdul's Book O'Horrors, the Extreme Teen Necronomicon, The Case For Cthulhu, The Sanity-Recovering Necronomicon, The
Secret Teachings of The Mad Arab, The OTHER Necronomicon, The Campy 1980s Kitsch Grimoire, The Encyclopedia Yuggothica, The Extra-Scary Necronomicon, or the Skeptic's Annotated Necronomicon??
- Cth..Cthu...don't you kids know anything? The Plateau of Leng? The Fungi from Yuggoth? The Catacombs of Nephren-Ka?
- Iä! Iä! Cthul-iddly-ulhu Fhtag-giggily-nangn! Phn'glue-iddly-diddly Mgwiggly-l-naffaffy Cthuliddly-diddly-doo wgah-hiddly-diddly-nagliddly fhtaggiggly-diddly-agah!
- Heh heh, well boys, who'd have thought learning about the Great Old Ones could be fun?
- Hey, wait -- that sounds like Erich Zann's violin. You know what that means, kids!
- I just follow the three Cs: Cleanliness, Chewing thoroughly and a daily dose of vitamin Cthulhu!
- Aw, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by the Necronomicon.
- You can't kill the Great Old Ones, silly.
- Maude designed a Cthulhu amusement part!
- Then I'll make this place a darksome beacon of the Great Old Ones' sinister and utterly otherwordly blasphemous radiance!
- And Harry Potter and his friends were locked down in the basement of Miskatonic University for attempting to summon Yog-Sothoth!
- Team sports will keep you away from temptations such as rock music and Asenath Waite.
- Dear Cthulhu, please let Mr. Bunny join you in immortal hibernation 'neath the darksome waves of the midnight sea in the sunken metropolis of R'lyeh, amidst its slime-smeared cyclopean temples and demoniac spires.
Flanders, Todd:
- Dad, the Cthulhu Cultist's getting away!
Frink, Professor:
- Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep and glavin!
- Abdul Alhazred's legs are hurting!
- Elementary chaos theory tells us that all Shoggoths will eventually turn against the Elder Things and run berserk in a sanguine orgy of bloody and amorphous oozing, slime-drenched destruction and the hurting and devouring, gaping maws spouting on the surface of those accursed black iridiscences!
Gabbo:
- All the kids in Innsmouth are SOB's.
Gibbons, Leeza:
- That's not candy! That's Shoggoths!
Grass, Jesse:
- I'm a Yuggothian vegan. I don't eat anything which isn't from Yuggoth.
Gumble, Barney:
- Abdul Alhazred must be rolling in his grave.
- Iä Shub-Niggu..BUUURP!!!
- I don't know where you Byakhees came from, but I certainly enjoy your magic Space-Mead.
Hibbert, Dr. Julius:
- But Cthulhu was the best High Priest ever!
- I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan: my old fraternity brother Charles Dexter Ward!
- Yet another Mi-Go related death.
- Poor Hugo was too human for Innsmouth, too towns-folky for Dunwich and too ordinary for Arkham. He felt like an outcast.
Hoover, Ms. Elizabeth:
- That was the movie about Yog-Sothoth. Where's the next?
- Now, here's an oral extra-credit question. What was Robert Olmstead actually looking for when he stumbled upon Innsmouth?
Howard, Ron:
- Homer, we're out of Shoggoths!
Itchy & Scratchy:
- Itchy & Scratchy are exploring Antarctica. Suddenly, Itchy changes into a Shoggoth and devours Scratchy.
- An Innsmouthified version of Itchy ties Scratchy to a pole near the coast, and Scratchy gets mangled and mutilated by a pack of Deep Ones. All while a bunch of inbred yokels chant "IÄ R'LYEH!! CTHULHU FHTANGN! IÄ IÄ!"
- Itchy mumbles some unintelligible jibberish at a Pacific island, then Cthulhu rises from the sea and kills Scratchy.
- Itchy releases a bunch of hunting dogs upon a coat-clad Scratchy. As they tear off the coat, we discover that Scratchy isn't human at all.
- Scratchy meets Itchy in a wooden cabin in Vermont. Then, Itchy's hands and face fall off ....to reveal a Fungus from Yuggoth, who then kills Scratchy and puts his brain into a metallic jar.
- Itchy walks by Scratchy, then Itchy turns out to be an Incarnation Of Nyarlathotep (TM)
Jasper:
- 200 channels and nothing but Cats of Ulthar!
- He's seeking books which we all forgot! [ominous] And should have forgotten.... [/ominous]
- Ooh! Yuggoth Pie! Now life's good!
Jordan, Rachel:
- This is a love-song about a dude I met at the Gilman House. A dude named Dagon.
- We just lost our drummer to a fungus from Yuggoth.
- My band switched from Contemporary Cthulhu to Black Metal. You just replace "Cthulhu" with "Satan", then replace clean singing with unintelligible hissing and screaming - then, you complete the transformation by filling all silence with blastbeats. Disgusting. Intentionally disgusting...
Kang:
- Anywho, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now. Or we will blow up Arkham, Massachusetts from orbit!
- It does not matter which Great Old One you worship. Either way, your planet is DOOMED!
- Our stygian planet, whose proud cyclopean temples are infamous for their hellish, aeon-swathed lore throughout all astral oceans of the darksome cosmos, has been observing the world your puny species call home, ever since it was created accidentally eons ago... by Azathoth. (mumbles incoherently)
- Ensign Kthulhu, set coordinates for the obscure, stygian planet known as Yuggoth.
- Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted by Deep Ones and taken away 'neath the night-dark sea to cyclopean temples of aeon-shrouded granite cloaked in viscid veils of slimy sea-weed!
Kodos:
- To put you at ease, we have recreated the most locations for crossbreeding between your species and Cthulhoid entities. You may choose either a temple of Dagon, a Pacific island populated by weird-looking Kanakys or a farm in Massachusetts.
- (Impersonating Cthulhu) I am Kuh-Thoo-Loo. As a Great Old One, the pitiful mockery of life that is humanity will soon tremble before my terrifying figure, wither 'fore my baleful gaze and obey my brutal, despotic imperatives or face the malign fate of being devoured by my adamantine octopine beak thus fuelling my ireful soul... or otherwise sacrificed in astrally glorious celebration of my all-eclipsing nocturnal sovereign majesty. Mwua-ha-ha!
Krabappel, Edna:
- Will you please go back to R'lyeh?
Krustofski, Herschel (AKA Krusty the Klown):
- I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried them all. Deep Ones. Mi-Go. The Great Race of Yith. Don't forget the Flying Polyps, either.
- If this is anyone other than Abdul Alhazred, you're stealing my bit!
- You worship Dagon and pay for it all of your life.
- Didn't like that, huh?? Then I'll try this: (imitates the Innsmouth Look) [Massachusetts dialect] CTHULHU FHTAGN!! [/Massachusetts dialect]
- Look at all that Innsmouth sea gold crap with fish motifs on it. Dagon should have spent time practising instead of humiliating himself.
- Hi Kids! Welcome to Kamp Kthulhu!
- So, have a merry Christmas, happy Chanukkah, kwazy Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet, a Byakhee-ful Kingsport-Style Solstice Festival, and a dignified, solemn and superstitious Dunwich-Fest. Now a word from my god:Cthulhu.
- Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations - Erich Zann, Erich von Däniken, The Crazy Erichs - but the Simpsons blew 'em all away. They even had a hit record, meanwhile "Cthulhuphenia" sits on the shelf!
- Many kids think of me as their father - but I'm just a simple Cthulhu Cultist.
- We're back with a sketch set in the KRAZIEST place: R'lyeh!
- I've been in showbiz for 61 eons, and I don't want any pesky Elder Things coming and telling me where to pee!
- I'm not leaving before I get paid!! The "Cthulhu Fhtagn" bit costs 500$ alone!
- Hey, yutz! The Necronomicon isn't a toy! It's for family protection, summoning Great Old Ones, and keeping Nodens out of your face!
Lanley, Lyle:
- I've sold monorails to Kingsport, Dunwich and Innsmouth, and by doing that, I've put them on the map!
Lenny:
- They've changed Nyarlathotep into the Outer Gods' bumbling sidekick!
- There goes Arkham!
- Even Nyarlathotep was throwing dough around. He paid me a thousand bucks to go to Kadath and all the way back to New England!
- I've been telling Carl that I'm married to Asenath Waite, and now he's coming over for dinner!
- The Necronomicon has gotten a lot of bad press recently, but it was written for a reason.... to summon yesterday's deities such as Yog-Sothoth, Shub-Niggurath and Cthulhu!
Lovejoy, Reverend Timothy: (or maybe Reverend Timothy Lovecraft??)
- And the Necronomicon says: (insert unintelligible Lovecraftian jibberish in the vein of the usual "Cthulhu Fhtagn!" mumbling)
- Homer, I'd like you to remember the Necronomicon's words: "That is not dead which can eternally lie. And with strange eons, even death may die."
- No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian, Esoteric Order of Dagon or... miscellaneous.
- Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like a shoggoth.
- Oh my Lord, it's a Byakhee!
- This new "religion" is nothing but a collection of weird religious and chants designed to bring plenty of sacrifices to the Great Old Ones.
- And let us now rise for our opening hymn: "In The Garden of R'lyeh" by I. Ron Alhazrad.
- Azathoth has sent the Colour Out Of Space because he loves us!
- Wait a minute! This sounds like Old Ones and/or Great Old Ones!
McAllister, Cpt:
- Arr, why do I bother making those deals with the Great Old Ones?
- You know, I run some sort of academy for Fungi of Yuggoth. We emphasize "tough love", daily chores, disembodies brains and the like!
- Arr, it's that time. The Deep Ones are coming, Cthulhu is awakening from his slime-drenched tomb-temple 'neath the Pacific Ocean and only this salty sea dog, hoary survivor of many a thunderous ocean-storm, knows how to stop the onslaught and turn the infernal tide of crimson slaughter!
- Arr, sometimes I wonder why I even bother raiding Innsmouth.
- 'Tis no Great Old One. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine.
-
McClure, Troy:
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember from such movies as "Unaussprechliche Kulte - The Motion Picture", "Olde English Yogge-Sothothe", "Is Your Neighbour an Incarnation of Nyarlathotep?", "Alice In The Dreamlands", "Hercules Conquers N'Kai", "Cthulhu Is Coming! Cthulhu Is Coming!", "Blazing Shoggoths", "Nodens Told Me To Do It", "How Azathoth Got His Groove Back", "The Addams Family vs. The Whateley Family", "Plan 9 From Yuggoth", "Raging Buopoth" and "The Innsmouth Chainsaw Massacre".
Meathook: (AKA: "Anderson, Ian")
- We're the Hell's Cthulhus out of... Arkham, Massachusetts.
- How did you get my jacket so clean? I've tried everything to get those dead Shoggoths off.
- Oh, don't worry - you're completely safe. None of the Great Old Ones and Outer Gods, not even Yog-Sothoth, find you sexually attractive.
- We're going to the bikers' jamboree in Dunwich. You'll love it. Nyarlathotep's coming, and we're gonna jump him. Then we're gonna blow up all the yankee rednecks.
- Hey! Can we at least keep her till the orgy at Kingsport?
Movementarians:
- A new and better life awaits you on our distant home-planet of Yuggoth.
- Cthulhu is good, Cthulhu is... ah, what's the matter.... Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
- It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank Azathoth!
- Yog-Sothoth knows how miserable you and your family are. Yog-Sothoth also knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the keeper and the guardian of the gate. In fact, Yog-Sothoth is the gate. He's also one with the space-time continuum.
- Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-Cthulhu! Cthulhu, Cthulhu, KUH-THOO-LOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Muntz, Nelson:
- This would never have happened if we went to Arkham, Massachusetts!
- You wrecked Nyarlathotep's car! What has he ever done to you?
- Iä! Iä! (said with his usual "HA-HA" voice)
- But we wanna see the Mi-Go!
- How many Deep One butlers will there be??
- Your dad's dead, my dad's just a Deep One!
- Who cares?? With no Elder Things 'round and no Shoggoths either, prehistoric earth will tremble at my footfall!
Nahassapeemapeliton, Apu:
- By the many spheres of Yog-Sothoth, I swear it is a lie.
- Who has messed with the freezer? Please return to your cyclopean mausoleum 'neath the darksome sea, Great Cthulhu!
- Joseph Curwen?? But you're dead!
- I'm sorry, but we have to charge you Innsmouth people extra!
- Thank you! No more Chaugnar Faugn-related pokings!
Nahasapeemapetilon, Pahusatacheta:
- Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal and he had as many arms as an Elder Thing and they were all very busy!
Osaka Seafood Squid:
- Knife goes in, the guts go out, that's what the Cult Of Dagon is all about!
Quimby, Major Diamond Joe:
- And I declare this day to be... Yog-Sothoth day!
- Well, according to the town charter, all maidens in the city will be sacrificed before an obsidian monolith when the Great Old Ones awaken.
Park Ranger:
- Folks, you're going to want to turn around. The Byakhees are firmly in charge.
Prince, Martin:
- Bart! You'll have to promise that you won't fall in love with Yog-Sothoth!
Riviera, Dr. Nick:
- Hey, did you go to Miskatonic Medical College too?
- This is genuine Byakhee hair!
Sideshow Bob:
- ...and the book club consists of Cthulhu Cultists beating me with books! These bruises are from the Necronomicon! But it hurts more to read it.
- I said you were in the power of Cthulhu. I didn't say anything about Cthulhu's Command.
- Mwuahahahaha! Invoke Shub-Niggurath, like we will do tomorrow night!
Simpson, Abraham:
- I hate everything but Zadok Allen!
- That's Henry Akeley's Yuggoth Fungus farm. Make a right here.
- Your dad used to be smart as an Elder Thing. Then, the Innsmouth genes kicked in and now he's as dumb as a Shoggoth!
- I used to share a toilet with Nyarlathotep! It's quite a long story!
- Those mangled Fungi from Yuggoth made me hungry.
- Booh!! Bring on Kuh-Thoo-Loo!
- Happy birthday to Cthulhu! Happy birthday to Cthulhu!
- I can't believe we went through all this just for a tomb reserved for Jerv Dudley!
- This is the New England community your mother went off to when life with me became a living R'lyeh!
Simpson, Bart:
- Don't have a Shoggoth, man!
- Listen to this: "Unexplainable behavior: Individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with the Cthulhu Cult or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., flying polyps."
- So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with Wilbur Whateley.
- Can't sleep.... Cthulhu'll eat me... can't sleep.... Cthulhu'll eat me...
- Ohh, all these new Great Old Ones suck! None of them can hold a candle to Great Cthulhu.
- But Milhouse, reading the Necronomicon without becoming insane is every patriotic american's dream.
- Remember what Christmas really is about: The coming of the Great Old Ones to this Earth!
- Wait! Whacking Day was originally started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up worshippers of Yig.
- This evening I shall go for the... Cthulhu Platter! With extra tentacles.
- Azathoth is so in-your-face!
- Well, you're probably too young to remember the short-lived "Nyarlathotep & Friends Hour". They had to come up with some friends. There's The Disgruntled Goat Of The Woodlands With A Thousand Young, Uncle Fungus-From-Yuggoth, Ku Klux Kthulhu and Olde English Yogge-Sothothe...
- Gee, Yuggoth Bear, you don't have to maul Mister Akeley.
- So I suppose that's an Innsmouth jacuzzi?
- Pardon me for asking, where the hell is my steamed Mi-Go?
- Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades, I hope you'll note that I've returned the Necronomicon in excellent condition. Unfortunately, my sanity isn't pristine condition.
- You're right, Lis. I can suck up to him, like the religious people suck up to the Great Old Ones..
- I can't belive "Iä! R'lyeh!" replaced "goodbye."
- Dad, I've never whispered the Incantation of Yog-Sothoth in my life! The pnakotic manuscript sucks!
- I just got over the Innsmouth look!
- Whoa! A shoggoth!
- The Necronomicon can do anything!
- Wow, it's approved by the miskatonic college in Arkham! (editor's note: Yes, I know it's called the Miskatonic UNIVERSITY. But there's probably also a Miskatonic College)
- Come on, Ralph, your dad's from Arkham! There must be some cool stuff around here, forbidden books, ghoul photos, what have you??
- Pff! All the best bands are affliated with Nyarlathotep! (editor's note: The joke here is that Satan is in fact one of Nyarlathotep's many faces)
- (praying) Dear Cthulhu. If you don't send me any totally freaky dreams, I'll promise I'll behave.
- Snow covers all... pure, white snow.... that cold powder falling from the darkling winter heavens, which glitters like gold when caressed by the sunlight dancing feather-light upon the ground!!
Simpson, Homer:
- (singing) Deep Ones, Deep Ones, roly-poly Deep Ones...
- My "Best of Erich Zann" album! So it was the Hound of Tindalos that buried all our stuff.
- I can see Lisa...but it might be an Elder Thing!
- "Wilbur Whateley's syndrome"...no. "Great Old One Sighting Trauma"...no. "Azathothic Mental Disorder"...no. "Got insane by reading the Necronomicon"... no. "Mangled by Fungi of Yuggoth"...no. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled! I'm sick of being so healthy. Hey, wait... Innsmouth Look! "If you look like a Deep One, you qualify as disabled."
- America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but two of the many faces of the deceptive Nyarlathotep, that malign extradimensional trickster whose infernal machinations serve only to give mankind the keys to its utter annihilation!
- Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to the Dreamlands.
- In your antennae, space fungus!
- I want to see the Cthulhu-Spawn Man and the Yuggoth Fungus Girl.
- Bart, did you hear that? The Cthulhu Code!
- Azathoth himself told me I should seek a new path. (Editor's note: And we all know how sane Azathoth is)
- So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how Cthulhu's going to devour me?
- I, on the other hand, have been having a wonderful day, and I owe it all to invoking Yog-Sothoth!
- Moe, have you ever found the Innsmouth Look unattractive?
- When it comes to sacrifices, The Great Old Ones are ravenous vampiric devourers always want'n more...more...MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll eventually be touched by them, no matter how hideous and grisly the price of the darksome daemoniac blessing will be.
- This is my quest. I'm like that guy. That Rhode Island guy. You know, his ghost possessed his grandson...
- Oh. So that's it, isn't it, Marge? The Innsmouth Look. I didn't know you were so shallow.
- When I join a Cthulhu Cult, I expect a little support from my family!
- Look! A Lima Bean that looks like Wilbur Whateley!
- Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Necronomicon I just got -- it cost me my sanity!
- Whoops, sorry, son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were summoning a Great Old One.
- I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild Deep Ones from the Pacific Ocean, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? The ones who drive bus lines in Massachusetts.
- It's probably due to your Innsmouth Look. But don't worry, we can find a woman for you.
- Stop kissing that Byakhee and jump in there!
- Must... stop... awakening of Cthulhu... WHEE! Must... stop... awakening of Cthulhu... WHEE! Must... stop... awakening of Cthulhu... WHEE!
- Mmm... Fungi from Yuggoth...
- Mmm... Necronomicon...
- Mmm... Kentucky Fried Night-Gaunt...
- Mmm... deep ones...
- Mmm... Byakhee...
- Mmm... shoggoth...
- I've rounded up every man in Innsmouth to find out there's nothing wrong with the Innsmouth Look!
- What's up, Lisa? Did you see a Great Old One in your picture book?
- It's hard to believe there's a place worse than Innsmouth.
- Helper-byakhee, aye?
- They didn't have Lord Cthulhington??
- But the Gilman House is an elegant place!!
- Goodbye, Deep Ones! HIGHER!! HIGHER!!
- What are you two Great Old Ones doing in Springfield?
- Ever since Cthulhu and Shub-Niggurath fired me, life has sucked!
- She might not be a Great Old One, but at least she's right!
- Was it the Deep One from the "Creature From The Black Lagoon" movie?
- I didn't choose to worship Cthulhu! It chose to let me tremble submissively at the very mention of this sinistrous octopoid demigod and ascend to unholy immortality at the withering touch of his baleful gaze!
- If I'm going to be a Great Old One-worshipping weirdo, I'm going to learn from Abdul Alhazred himself! (reads in the Necronomicon, then writes different things down on a notepad) Okay... "Old Ones"... "Space Fungus from Yuggoth"... "Yog-Sothoth".
- Profits, profits, profits! What sort of Cthulhu Cultists are you?
- Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Innsmouth Two, Asenath!
- Profits, profits, profits! What kind of Cthulhoid entities are you? The Elder Things must be spinning in their frost-veiled, ice-stained graves of alabaster-white Antarctican snow and precambrian mountain rocks!
- Good news, my friend! You're going to be a free-range Fungus of Yuggoth!
- Even the Deep Ones won't forgive me!
- Well, hello little Night-Gaunts!
- But Marge, it was Lavinia Whateley! LAVINIA WHATELEY!!
- "Fungus" seems to mean "jerk." And "Yuggoth" is probably some kind of spaceship.
- It's funny, 'cause they're Deep Ones!
- But I don't even believe in Cthulhu!
- No, man, let's go home to Innsmouth. Dagon and I have been in Babylon too long!
- If we wanted to see Deep Ones, we could just ride the bus! The guy who drives is from Innsmouth. His name is Joe Sargent.
- The toilet recommended a place called "Yuggoth-Town."
- I can't believe they stuck us at Dunwich, Massachusetts!
- Wil Whateley is just a guy Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
- Before I vacationed in Innsmouth I didn't know there could be a Shoggoth in my toilet, but now I check every time.
- That's all it takes. If we learned one thing from The Dunwich Horror, it's that Yog-Sothoth makes stuff grow real big, real fast.
- Okay, Marge, you hide in the abandoned museum; Lisa, the Miskatonic University; Bart, spooky haunted Rhode Island house which is in fact a gateway to another dimension; And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed by a Shoggoth.
- How come Mi-Go go crap in the woods while I can't?
- I don't even believe in Cthulhu!
- Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Dunwich townspeople.
- (having accidentally killed a woman) I'm pretty sure she'd be the next Abdul Alhazred!
- Sacrificing the children to Cthulhu certainly makes your hands dusty!
- It's either a badger... or a Shoggoth.
- I know how it feels... the Great Old Ones have come to reclaim which was once rightfully theirs.
- It's a dancing Cthulhu! Is there any better use for the Internet?
- I've created a world! I know how Azathoth feels!
- Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you whacks have dubbed me, Father Dagon.
- I accidentally proved, there's no Crawling Chaos at the Centre of the Universe!
- This is such an eye-opener. I always envisioned Cthulhu eating the children.
- Great Old Ones are Azathoth's way of keeping himself in check!
- Here's the revenge.... Miskatonic style!
- AAAHH! Yeeeeehh!!! Nightmare! AAAARGH!!! SHOGGOTHS!!
- That's my boy! (falls into sleep) AAAARGHH!!! SHOGGOTHS!!!
- What's the big deal? He reads about far worse thing in that Great Old One book!
- It's just a friendly Shoggoth.
- The Miskatonic University's expedition is going to Antarctica... Next year!! This year, they're exploring undersea ruins which might be R'lyeh.
- Look Marge, I'm Innsmouthian!
- [stoned] Marge, I've found out I'm the "Yog" in "Yog-Sothoth"! [/stoned]
- Stupid, sexy Nyarlathotep!
- I'm soaring... I'm soaring majestically like a stygian Night-Gaunt, faceless and dragon-winged, gazing down upon the ice-cloaked peaks of proud mountains from the Dreamlands' star-bejewelled skies! I want to soar higher than any Night-Gaunt, Elder Thing or malign fungoid crustacean of blackest Yuggoth has ever soared on its demonic pinions! I want to stare down on the stratocumulic clouds with contempt, like an unnameable star-god arrogantly gazing down upon its ethereally malignant henchmen from its darkly luminant sky-piercing tower! I want to sneer at the crawling chaos, and spit on his...... AAARGH!! SHOGGOTHS!!!
- Yog-Sothoth is called Yog-Sothoth?? Why didn't anyone else tell me! I thought he was called Iaxosos!!
- Sorry, this is the Necronomicon!! If you don't read it responsibly, CTHULHU WILL AWAKEN!
- But the case is clear - there's some books in this universe which Man weren't meant to read!
- How am I supposed to last 5 days without summoning some Great Old Ones?
- This Necronomicon has cost me everything! My family, my sanity... everything except for that Shoggoth in the attic.
- The Rat-Things seem to be thriving.
- That's not Arkham! That's not even Dunwich!
- Lisa! Don't... contradict your... Elder Things!
- Electrocution?? What happened to feeding the criminals to Great Old Ones?
- Oh yeah, what had the Elder Gods ever done for you? When was the last time Hypnos cleaned out your garage? And when it's time for doing the dishes, where's Nodens? I tell ya, Nodens is Nodens!
- Are you sure this is a NecronomiConvention?? It's full of Cthulhu Cultists!
- I'm Homer Simpson, Great Old One-buster... and I'm going to get you out of here.
- He's a daredevil, Ned! He laughs at Cthulhu!
- Walter Kogen? I know you - we were in the same Cthulhu Cult!
Simpson, Lisa:
- Is the unintelligible drivel about "Yogge-Sothothe" spouted by Charles Dexter Ward intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake?
- The Fungi from Yuggoth are going to make a tuxedo out of Akeley!
- It seems like our house, but everything's got a creepy Dreams Of The Witch House-ish quality to it.
- It's just that the people who worship Great Old Ones are always pathetic low-lifes with boring jobs.
- This year's Christmas tree is so much better than the previous one, which was bought at a yard sale in Dunwich.
- Let's see. It's not Egyptian. It's not Pnakotic. It's not Hyperborean. It's not the Elder Sign, either. It's not Deep One Language. And it's definately not Elder Thing-ese.
- I wonder how my life will be as I evolve into a Deep One. Those Innsmouth people appear to enjoy looking like fish.
- And please don't deprive yourself of beautiful books like the Necronomicon, the Book of Eibon and Unaussprechliche Kulte! So please don't take your humanity for granted!
- Nunchuks? Those aren't even from Yuggoth!
- Those poor, helpless Shoggoths!
- Wilbur Whateley's Egg Magic?
- We are a town of Deep Ones, degenerates, and village idiots whose village-ideocy match that of Dunwich. We have eight malls, but no learning institution approved by Miskatonic. Thirty-two bars, but none whose patrons don't look like frogs. 13 religious movements whose names begin with "Esoteric Order of..."!!
- The Simpsons are going to R'lyeh!
- I no longer fear R'lyeh because I've been to Kamp Kthulhu.
- But I thought the Miskatonic University was supposed to have access ramps?
- "Dagon"? I said that name in class!
- You don't have the Innsmouth Look - it's just oatmeal.
- Hey, isn't that the bass player from The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets?
- Ugh. That shoggoth dances better than I do.
- No, that bridge has a Deep One under it!
- She's only fattening you up to sacrifice you to Cthulhu!
- It's stupid to divide the State of Massachusetts over something as simple as the Great Old Ones!!
- You know how many trees died to make that Necronomicon?
- Is that a Miskatonic Ice Tea?
- Someone will! I'm going to crack the Necronomicode!!
- I've finally found out what sets off that big Deep One called Francine!
- Mom! Bart implied I was a Shoggoth!
- Wanna see my project for the Miskatonic science fair??
- I can't believe she had a rhyme for "Tsathoggua"!!
- Mom, the Elder Things shouldn't play God.
- Wait, one of them is writing something on the cathedral!! Oh my god - I've created the Esoteric Order Of Dagon!
- Wait, Mr. Skinner! Azathoth created the universe! He deserves the credit!
- Bart, I know that it might seem unfair, but I'm not some sort of Great Old One.
- Bart! That's coffee-flavoured ice cream! It's hard to find outside New England! (editor's note: THis is a reference to Lovecraft's letters where he notes that coffee-flavoured ice cream is heard to get outside New England every time he mentions it)
- Cthulhu!! If you get up from R'lyeh, I'll give you some more coffee!!
- If they really are witches, then why don't they summon Byakhees and ride away on them?
- Bart, that's The Soap of Leng!! It's higly unstable!
- "To protect and Shoggoth"???
Simpson, Marge:
- Sure. OK, I'll talk about father... Father Dagon. That's whom they worship in Innsmouth.
- Why do you always wait until Christmas Eve to invoke Shub-Niggurath?
- There's no shame in being the son of Yog-Sothoth!
- Hey kids! I made your favorite cookies! Christmas trees for the girls, and Great Race of Yith for Bart!
- Oh my god. Apparently, tonight's Halloween Special is so scary that the Miskatonic University requests all videotapes of it destroyed except for one of them, which they will keep in a locked and tightly guarded subterranean complex beneath the university library.
- And the guy selling tickets to that ride has the Innsmouth look!
- That's not the Necronomicon! That's a book of carpet samples!
- But I think I'm allergic to seafood. The last time I ate squid, I had strange and most disturbing visions of a gruesome-looking, tentacled demon rising from the lightless ocean depths to unleash its ire upon us unsuspecting humans in a fury of sublime ultraterrestrial malevolence, accompanied by a torrent of slime-drenched destruction courtesy of a slavering horde of horrific batrachian monsters following in its wake.
- Who are this Esoteric Order of Dagon?? Some kind of church?
- I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Shantak Sanctuary in the Dreamlands.
- On TV that Servitor Of The Outer Gods pulled out that Deep One's internal organs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene the Deep One was breathing comfortably.
- If your fly wasn't open, you'd look just like Charles Dexter Ward!!
- Sorry, but if I let you read that awful thing which is the darksome Necronomicon penned by the abyss-consumed soul of The Mad Arab, I'd be an abominable mother. I better burn that dreaded tome and with it the aeon-veiled horrors found within its skin-bound pages just to be sure.
- Lisa, look out!! A ghoul!
- Somebody's in love! That means you'll have to be sacrificed to Shub-Niggurath!
- Homer.... a Deep One is Maggie's father.
- Homer, when did you become a mention of E.O.D.?
- Let's play "Shoggoth In The House." Aww, the Shoggoth's missing.
- Your character provides the comic relief! Like Zadok Allen in "The Shadow Over Innsmouth". Or all the superstitious villagers in "The Dunwich Horror".
- Homer, your growing insanity is becoming a problem. Maybe you should talk with the Cthulhu Cult.
- It's the only fire-extinguisher endorsed by the Miskatonic University!
- You set off the Cthulhu Alarm to rush us to a beer festival?
- Well, looks like we got everything for Bart's camping trip: Mi-Go repellent, flying polyp saw, and deep wood Scrabble.
- I remember Innsmouth. Razing that particular town brought America right out of the depression.
- So, Mr. Lovecraft, which work of horror are you working on currently?
- Can you believe it Homer?? A Miskatonic alumni on our tennis court!
- Shantaks don't hatch from eggs!
- Catching that Shantak didn't help the slightest!
- The best thing about a Dunwich wedding is I'm not the most superstitious person present!
- Wilbur Whateley at least left it to the imagination.
- The Miskatonic University is no place for a little girl.... with those forbidden books of secret lore and ancient arcane teaching, crazy old professors and goatish people who turn out to be the offspring of Yog-Sothoth.
- He might be a Deep One, but he's still my son.
- Happy Lovecraft Day!!
Skinner, Agnes:
- Seymour, what is it with you and the Great Old Ones?
Skinner, Seymour:
- Otto, didn't you go to Miskatonic?
- Welcome to Miskatonic! You're going to join such luminaries, such coruscating beacons of transcendental enlightenment as Professor Henry Armitage, Dr. Albert Wilmarth and Randolph Carter!
- Due to lack of funding, Miskatonic Elementary has closed.
Smithers, Waylon:
- Heh, that would be quite a feat. Great Cthulhu is a total recluse! He hasn't appeared in public in many millennia.
- IÄ MONTY BURNS!
Snake:
- Cthulhu is so dead!
Snorky, the King Of The Vampiric Dolphins:
- [Dolphin Language] They made me do tricks, like were I a simple Shoggoth! [/Dolphin Language]
- I, High-Priest Snork-Niggurath of the Dolphins, banish you humans to R'lyeh!
Snyder, Judge:
- Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to be within 500 miles of any Great Old One, dormant or awake.
Springer, Jerry:
- How was it to find out that Maggie's father was a Deep One?
- Ladies and gentlemen, meet Nyarlathotep!
Springfield, Jebediah:
- What the heck are you talking about, Obed Marsh?? Why should we want to marry Deep Ones?
Szyslak, Moe:
- I was born a Cthulhu Cultist, and I'll die a Cthulhu Cultist.
- You know what I blame the downfall of? Buildings in abandoned New England villages.
- Guess it's back to the Great Old Good Old-Fashioned Ones!
- I'm Moe, or as the Esoteric Order folks call me: Ith'xh'halhhn-th'x-vrth-'xh-y'zh'harsha!
- Let's say that you pull a thorn out of Cthulhu's butt and get a wish.
- The only way to get rid of one of those Great Old Ones' curse is to get a... whatsitscalled... Necronomicon.
- Yep, a trip back to the Miskatonic might rekindle my interest in getting people loaded!
- Ah, geeze. The old Miskatonic gates! And there's the miskatonic clock!
- We've got a drink that's better than Duff! It's called "Gin & Miskatonic"!! (Editor's note: Come on... you saw that coming!)
Valentine, Vicki:
- Lean, muscular Fungi of Yuggoth, we bring you candy.
- We all do crazy things when we are desperate. I once said "Hastur!"
Van Houten, Milhouse:
- Jeez...if it's in a Pnakotic Manuscript, it's gotta be true!
- Ever since I became a Cthulhu Cultist I've been miserable. I had to get up at five a.m. just for dancing around a monolith. I like that immortality I'll eventually get, but it's not worth it. And summoning Great Old Ones is so horribly repetitive: I've said "Cthulhu Fhtagn" so many times those words have lost all meaning!
- You'd be scared too if you saw Cthulhu.
- That young adult has the Innsmouth look! Wait... that young adult IS from Innsmouth!
- Sorry, I thought you were too Miskatonic for that?
Whateley, Cletus: (editor's note: I simply have the feeling that Cletus is a Whateley. He certainly acts like he came from Dunwich)
- You know what? I can call Ol' Squidhead from up here! HEY CTHULHU, GET OFF THE DAMN ROOF!!
- Kids, we're eatin' dinner tonight! Lavinny, Charles Dexter, Randolph, Zadok, Abdul, Dagon, Hydra, Akeley, Jervas, Nephren-Ka, Olaus, Obed, Asenath, Eunice, Yog, Yig, Wilbur, Noah, Belknap, Whipple, Sonia, Sarah Susan, Derleth, Shubby!
Wiggum, Chief Clancy:
- Now, um, what did this Great Old One look like?
- Any Deep One which will be caught after 8 AM will be sent back to Innsmouth!!
- The moral of the story is: The Great Old Ones always win!
- Night-Gaunts never learn!
- Well, well, well, isn't that the cutest police officer in Arkham?
- You're going to see plenty of Deep Ones where you're going... HELL!!
- That'll gonna show those Cthulhu Cultists who's in charge!
Wiggum, Ralph:
- Go, Chaugnar Faugn!
- Choo-choo-choo, Kuh-Thoo-Loo!
- You're Wilbur Whateley! I like you because you summon Yog-Sothoth.
- Isn't Soylent Green made from Shoggoths?
- We're a totem pole! N'gai, n'gha'ghaa, bugg-shoggog, y'hah!
- My parents won't let me read the books from "Abdul's Secret Stash Publishing."
- Um, Miss Hoover? There's a shoggoth in the vent.
- Maybe she went to Yuggoth.
- When I grow up, I want to be a Deep One... or a caterpillar.
- Hi, Cthulhu Cultists.
Willie:
- I'll strike where ye canna protect'em! In the Dreamlands!
- Thee's nary a fungus on Yuggoth which can handle a greased Scotsman!
-
Wolfecastle, Rainier:
- McBain to base! Under attack by Cthulhu cultist Nazis.
If The Simpsons Was Cthulhu Mythos... (humour)
Moderator: LadyTevar
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Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
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- Contact:
If The Simpsons Was Cthulhu Mythos... (humour)
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
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Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
And here's some Simpsons dialogue, Cthulhuficated too...
FROG 1: Tsa-
FROG 2: Tho-
FROG 3: Gghua.
GIANT SNAKE: (swallows the frogs) Yig...
HOMER: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that Fungus from Yuggoth!
BART: What if we don't?
HOMER: We'll mangle an Elder Thing, and sell it to the Fox Network.
HOMER: We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special goat. She's millions of years old, and she has a thousand young.
MAN: This goat will devour us all! Aah!
HOMER: Er, I was referring to Shub-Niggurath...
WAITER: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
MARGE: Mmm, what about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?
WAITER: Yes.
MARGE: Well, that's what happens when you dine in Innsmouth.
MRS. KRABAPPEL: Who can tell me where the majestically rolling thunder and brightly crackling lightning adorning the darksome skyline of evenings hammered by howling storms come from?
BART: Azathoth!
MRS. KRABAPPEL: That's right. And who can tell me who invented nightmares?
BART: Cthulhu!
MRS. KRABAPPEL: Very right.
ANNOUNCER: This could be the most remarkable comeback since Cthulhu rose from his watery, slime-drenched tomb 'neath the opaque azure waves of the Pacific Ocean!
HOMER: Cthul-who?
MILHOUSE: Will there be Deep Ones in heaven?
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER: Certainly not!
BART: (throws a tiara away) Goodbye, fine Innsmouth Sea Gold.
MARGE: Bart!
HOMER: (opens the door) [sarcastic] Oh, great. Outer Gods!! [/sarcastic]
KANG & KODOS: Actually, we are Great Old Ones.
MUNCHY: Is that ... Abe Simpson? Jeez, man, we haven't seen you since
Dunwich.
HOMER: You went to Dunwich?
ABE: Your mother dragged us both to that god-forsaken Haunted Village! (TM)
HOMER: But I wanna play in the mud, and be a Cthulhu Cultist!
ABE: Never! What you need's a good, long hitch in Arkham!
HOMER: We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino!
NED: Homer, they blew that up yesterday.
HOMER: Oh, yeah, right. Then we're going down to Dunwich! Which is actually back in that direction.
("Goin' Down To Dunwich" by The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets starts playing in the background)
HOMER: Then I'll like to change my name.
JUDGE SNYDER: To which?
HOMER: Any of these!
JUDGE SNYDER: Hmm... "Charles Warland Marsh??" "Francis Zadok Ward??" "Dexter Thurston Carter?" "Randolph Allen?" I'll give you the one you've spelled correctly, and from now on your name will be...
(cue to a shot of Lisa, reading from a sheet of paper on the Simpsons' couch)
LISA: "Howard Phillips Lovecraft"????
HOMER: Dynamic, isn't it?
BART: I love it, Howard.
MARGE: You changed your name without consulting me?
HOMER: That's the way Howard Phillips Lovecraft is, Marge. Weird, uncompromising and eccentric!
ABE: Oh, wait a minute. The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father, and he traded a Shoggoth for it! And that Shoggoth saved Spring Break!
MARGE: But this will be so confusing! The editor of "Weird Tales" won't know what to do. Did you think of Robert E. Howard and August Derleth, too, at all before you did this?
HOMER: Yes, briefly.
MARGE: And what about the tattoo on my you-know-what?
HOMER: Oh, Honey, we can get the Elder Sign tattooed over that.
HOMER: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the courthouse I had them change your name.
MARGE: To what?
HOMER: Asenath Whately.
MARGE: Asenath Whately?
HOMER: Just try it for two weeks! If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Lavinia Waite Derby.
MARGE: I don't want to be Asenath Whately or Lavinia Waite Derby!
HOMER: Fine, Sonia Greene, it is.
REV. LOVEJOY: (drives by in a van and stops) Can you recommend any books?
LISA SIMPSON: Anything by Abdul Alhazred!
REV. LOVEJOY: Abdul Alhazred, I'll fix that! (drives away, the van reveals the words "Miskatonic University Book-Confiscating Mobile" on its side)
HOMER: All that counts is that we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh, there's Albert Wilmarth, Wilbur Whateley and Richard Upton Pickman.
BART: Wait a minute, they're not so great.
HOMER: Okay but there's Gustaf Johansen, Asenath Waite, Herbert West, Juan Romero, Keziah Mason... AAARGH! Barnabas Marsh! What the hell's going on?
BART: [looking out porthole] Wait! Only that ship's going to Mars. Ours is headed for Yuggoth.
BURNS: Have the Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets killed!
SMITHERS: But those were Bal-Sagoth!
BURNS: Do as I say! Cthulhu Fhtagn!
(Editor's note: The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets and Bal-Sagoth are two bands, which don't have much in common except for at tendency to make frequent references to H.P. Lovecraft in their lyrics)
BART: (looking up from his book) I'm reading.
LISA: No way. (looks at book cover) The Necronomicon? Is this all because of the ...(pantomimes the Innsmouth look, then jumping around while shouting "CTHULHU FHTAGN!")
BART: (watching "The poke of Zorro") It's a history lesson come to life!
LISA: No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate.
BART: Quiet! Here come the Shoggoths.
QUIMBY: And let me say "Cthulhu Fhtagn!"
NIMOY: Do you even know who I am?
CHALMERS: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
SKINNER: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
CHALMERS: Uh-huh. What region?
SKINNER: Rural Massachusetts.
CHALMERS: Really. Well, I'm from Arkham and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
SKINNER: Oh, not in Arkham, no; it's a Dunwich expression.
HOMER: The first meeting of The Esoteric Order of Dagon is called to order.
NED: I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, we don't want to go to Y'ha-nthlei.
LENNY: How about Cthulhu's Pals?
NED: No.
MOE: "The Generic Spooky Cult"?
NED: Cult ... I, I don't think you understand my objection.
BART: When I'm feeling low, you know what always cheers me up?
TODD: Is it love?
ROD: Kindness?
BART: Ooh, tough room. Videogames! Whaddya got? "John Dee's Necronomicon Blaster"??
HOMER: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Dagon?
YIG: I'm Yig.
HOMER: Oh yeah, Yig.
MOE: (looking in a mirror) Do I really have the Innsmouth look? It's worse than I thought!
HOMER: Aw, come on, Moe, you're not as ugly as the guys in Innsmouth.
CARL: Frogtown, USA!
BART: Look! A Cult Of Dagon casino!
HOMER: God bless the Deep Ones.
HOMER: (standing behind a giant wooden Cthulhu statue with a gas line fitted to it) Behold, I am King Talky Cthulhu. (a jet of flame erupts from somewhere between the wooden squidhead statue's many head-tentacles)
BART + LISA: Aaah!
HOMER: Hey, Flanders! Can your god do that?
NED: Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so --
HOMER: Irregardless, I am your god now. (another jet of flame singes the hedge) Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee!
MARGE: Homer, you can't just re-route the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?
Homer: Do anger Cthulhu! I am all-power -- (the idol tips over, catching the lawn on fire) Aaah!
MARGE: We can't keep fighting with these Innsmouth people, they're our neighbours.
HOMER: We need a wall, and a CYCLOPEAN one at that, like the ones they have in R'lyeh!
LISA: Now I think those commercials are going too far.
HOMER: Who cares. Creatures too horrible to describe SELL, particularly if they have lots of tentacles and names that totally are unpronouncable.
WILLY: 'Tis a mighty bottle o' puke!
WENDALL: That's not puke, that's a Formless Spawn!
MRS. PRINCE: While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room. How much will you give me for this?
COMIC BOOKSTORE GUY: Probably nothing, but let us see. Oh -- "Necronomicon: Translator's Notes" by Dr. John Dee. Miska-Tonic Water. Film reel labeled, "Formless Spawn Caught On Tape." I'll give you five dollars for the box.
(Bart & Milhouse, while figthing in the Comic Book Store, fall through a secret entrance to the basement of the store)
MILHOUSE: Whoa, Comic Book Guy's secret stash!
BART: Look at all these forbidden books! "Necronomicon". "Spanish Necronomicon". "Book of Eibon - Complete Version".
MILHOUSE: Hi, Bart! I've found something in the woods!
BART: Is it a Mi-Go??
MILHOUSE: It's far better than a Mi-Go!
LOVEJOY: We also have Esoteric Order Of Dagon ice cream!
LISA: That's fish-flavoured!
LOVEJOY: Exactly!
HOMER: The Simpsons are going to Massachusetts!
LISA: I wanna see the Miskatonic University's Library in Arkham!
BART: And I wanna go to Dunwich!
MARGE: What a charming quarter!
LISA: Mom!! This is a slum! Not only that, a slum in Innsmouth!! (Editor's note: And you thought the "ordinary" part of Innsmouth was in decay)
BART: I didn't know you knew Wilbur Whateley.
KRUSTY: Know him? He's my worthless half-brother.
KRUSTY: There's only one thing to do! Hey, book me that Great Old One which always bites me in the groin!
FEMALE VOICE: Susan Antony?
KRUSTY: No, Yig!
SKINNER: Tanks? At a Civil War re-enactment, that's just historically inaccurate!
FRINK: If that's the case, you certainly won't like my steam-powered robotic Dimensional Shambler!
LISA: (spots "Miskatonic University" bumper sticker on some girls's '71 Barracuda - which happens to have its "Plymouth" tag replaced with one reading "Innsmouth") You're university students?
GIRL: Yeah, but with our finely-tuned bodies which are the results of crossbreeding with some sort of mystic astral demigod with an unpronounceable name, everybody thinks we're younger.
MARGE: Bart, don't soothe!
BART: Cthulhu's sunken metropolis, Cthulhu's rules.
MAN: And only you can save us from the Devil!!
LISA: Which Devil??
MAN: The one you call... Nyarlathotep.
HOMER: Marge! Kids! I've got a wonderful new job at the Marsh Corporation, with three weeks paid vacation, free healthcare for me and my partner AND promised immortality! Thing is, we'll just have to move to Innsmouth, MA.
MARGE: You took a new job in a decaying Massachusetts seaport without discussing it with your family?
ROD & TODD: AAAghh! Night-Gaunts! Night-Gaunts! Night-Gaunts! Night-Gaunts!
LISA: They're not more dangerous than Byakhees.
ROD & TODD: [frightened] Byakhees? [/frightened]
MARGE: Please, don't bring any arcane books of forbidden knowledge back from the Miskatonic University Knowledge! I don't want to look like the worst mom in New England!
HOMER: Oh, honey, you're not New England's worst mother. What about that albino lady in Dunwich?
BART: Can't we just go over to Innsmouth?
MILHOUSE: If we're seen there, it will definitely take our social standing down a notch.
BART: We're what now, three?
MILHOUSE: 3 and a half. We worship the Great Old Ones but get away with it.
MR. MITCHELL : Hi there. How can I help you?
BART: You're the guy who owns the dog?
MR. MITCHELL: Yep. His name is Shoggoth.
BART: Shoggoth?!
MR. MITCHELL: Yeah, he's my best buddy, eh. 'specially since my Shantak decided to stop talking.
MARGE: You'll just have to accept it. R'lyeh is on the bottom of the ocean.
CPT. McALLISTER: (sad) Iä! Iä!
BART: Yeah, excuse me, I'm looking for somebody called... [checks paper] Nyarlathotep.
JAY LENO: Somebody wanna get this kid a Necronomicon?
MARGE: All Bart needs is a little discipline?
CHIEF WIGGUM: What about The Rhode Island National Guard?
HOMER: You're fishmen!
MOE: Actually, we prefer being called Deep Ones.
SELMA: Needs more Space-Mead!
PATTY: You always say that! Was it up to you, it'll be nothing but Space-Mead!
HOMER: Close your eyes, Marge. I've got a surprise for you!
MARGE: Okay (closes eyes)
HOMER: (holds a thick-as-a-tombstone leather-bound book in front of Marge) Okay, open your eyes!
MARGE: AAAAAHHHH!!
HOMER: It's a Necronomicon!! Isn't it nifty!
MARGE: Homer! I don't want any Necronomica in my house! Remember when Maggie accidentally summoned Yog-Sothoth?
HOMER: I thought Cletus Whateley did it.
LISA: That would have made a much more sense.
BART: Hey Dad, can I borrow that book tomorrow? I want to scare that crazy old university librarian.
MARGE: Mmm! No! Nobody's reading that book! TV says you're 58% more likely to call forth a Shoggoth than a Byakhee!
HOMER: TV said that?? But I ought to own a copy of the 'Nomicon! It's in the constitution!
KRUSTY: Let's meet our first bachelor. This guy describes himself as a "thoisty ole fellah"!! ZADOK ALLEN!!
(nobody wants Zadok)
KRUSTY (as Erich Zann is there): Come on, he plays the violin! What more can you wish for?
ZANN: Ach, ich bin nichts hübsch!
(later)
KRUSTY: Next bachelor likes upper-class women who drive fast cars... Edward Derby!!
(Derby walks straight to the other rejects, which alongside Zadok Allen and Erich Zann also includes Dr. Henry Armitage, Randolph Carter, Inspector LeGrasse, a Deep One and Wilbur Whateley)
APU: Only the Great Old Ones could stop a wedding!
HOMER: Great old ones, aye?
(later, at Apu's wedding)
HOMER: (interrupts the wedding, wearing an elephant mask) I am the Great Old One Chaugnar Faugn!! This wedding angers me!! It shall halt or all will die!
(somebody is throwing tomatoes at the Simpsons' house)
LISA: The Other Gods seem to be running out of tomatoes.
(a flying Night-Gaunt collides against the window, leaving a mess of viscera and black ichor)
BART: Nodens has plenty of Kamikaze-trained Night-Gaunts back, apparently.
MARGE: And the guy running it has the Innsmouth Look!
HOMER: He's not just a guy... he's a Cthulhu Cultist! And Cthulhu Cultists built this country.
TROY McCLURE: Do you wonder why people from Innsmouth have children with the Innsmouth Look, why Joseph Curwen's ghost occassionally kills his descendants to impersonate them or why superstitious people from Dunwich have superstitious children from Dunwich? It's not coincidence! It's because of DNA!! (pause) Hi, I'm Troy McClure - and you might remember me from such educational films such as "Alice's Voyage Into The Dreaded Abyss Of Insanity" and "Mom, What's Wrong With That Man Who Has Got The Innsmouth Look??"
A YOUNG WILBUR WHATELEY: [Massachusetts dialect] Traoy, wha's Dee-Enn-Aye? [/Massachusetts dialect]
MCCLURE: Well, Wilbur - DNA is the recipe the Elder Things used when they created life on earth!
WHATELEY: [Massachusetts dialect] Eld'r Things, huh? [/Massachusetts dialect]
MCCLURE: (puts on a starfish-shaped hat) An example: We'll take a dash of Yog-Sothoth, then a pinch of a Albino Woman from New England - and let it rest for 9 months! Mmm, that's good Wilbur!
WHATELEY: [Massachusetts dialect] Mr. McClure, What does Dee-Enn-Aye stan' for? Mr. McClure?? [/Massachusetts dialect]
(Movie ends!)
BART: (reading from the Necronomicon) That is not dead which can eternally lie, and with strange eons even Death may die.
LISA: [annoyed] Bart, please. Don't you remember that Joseph Curwen died hundreds of years ago tonight? [/annoyed]
BART: Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that will bring him back from the dead? [Lisa stares as Bart flips through the pages] Let's see what we got. Invoking Yog-Sothoth. Taming a Byakhee. Ahh, here we are: How to raise the dead.
(later, at the cemetary)
BART: N'gai, n'gha'ghaa, bugg-shoggog, y'hah... Yog-Sothoth, Yog-Sothoth ...
LISA: It's not working. (notices a cluster of shining spheres floating abovre them) Bart! You cast the wrong spell - look there, YOG-SOTHOTH!
BART: Please Lis, he prefers to be called the "The Keeper and Guardian of The Gate".
(Marge and Homer are making out together in their bed at night)
BART: (runs in) Mom! Dad!
HOMER: Don't turn on the light!
(Marge covers herself with a pillow)
BART: There's a UFO outside my window! Seriously!
MARGE: Bart, that's just Yog-Sothoth.
(Homer and Marge are at the bookstore)
HOMER: (looks at the Kama Sutra) Marge, the guy in this book looks like Apu!
MARGE: Shh! I don't want people to see us here!
BART: Hi, guys. What are you looking at?
(Marge and Homer find other books)
MARGE: (reading from a book about Philistine legend) I'm reading up on... Dagon the Fish-God.
HOMER: And I'm pursuing my interest in... (finds out that he's reading "King In Yellow") AAARGHH!!
(later)
MARGE: This one's a good choice and not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Henry Armitage, you know, that nice man from Massachusetts who's like a pleasant version of Grampa?
HOMER: Oooh, "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic New England"!
LISA: Look! Mom! Dad! This autobiography of Randolph Carter at 99 cents and the latest book from Miskatonic Publishing.
MARGE: "Strange World, Weird Explanations"
LISA: I hope it's as reasonable as their other books.
BART: (holds up book titled "The Secrets Of Antarctica") I'm getting this book on Elder Things. Did you know that they created all life on Earth, but that there's a huge conspiracy to cover it up?
MARGE: Why didn't you tell me that you brought home an ugly Byakhee?
HOMER: That Byakhee made the juice you're drinking!
MARGE: (spits out juice)
HOMER: Marge, can I get a Night-Gaunt?
MARGE: You already have a Byakhee and a Shoggoth!
MARGE: Well, that means we'll have to take you with us on our anniversary!
BART + LISA : YEAH!!
HOMER: But Marge, the Gilman Truffle is an intimate, elegant place!
BART: I know a place which is more romantic!
(The Simpsons celebrate at the "Esoteric Diner of Dagon" restaurant, which serves its
customers in a faux-Cthulhoid Temple setting, complete with Deep Ones running about noisily)
RESTAURANT OWNER: Okay, folks, this is your High Priest speaking. If you look to the left side of the
Esoteric Diner, you will see Homer and Marge Sampson, who are celebrating with us today their
eleventh anniversary, heh, heh. By the way, CTHULHU FHTAGN! (a bunch of cultists outside start chanting)
RESTAURANT OWNER: Hey Jose, easy up, huh?
CULTIST: Sorry. We were only hired to rouse rabbles.
(While the kids seem to be enjoying themselves, Marge looks sadly out the window towards The Gilman Truffle, where a young couple sit next to the window enjoying a romantic dinner, who happen to be Edward Derby and Asenath Waite...)
MARGE: Thankyou, for helping us out Rev. Lovejoy. I know you have never held a Hindu Ceremony.
LOVEJOY: Well, Nyarlathotep is Nyarlathotep. Plus I consulted a Hindu web-site.
LISA: Dad, those peanuts aren't for you, they're for the Nightgaunt!
HOMER: They are? [a Nightgaunt grabs him] Aghh, put me down! Lord Nodens commands you!
SKINNER: This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical. It's a powderkeg waiting to go off in an explosion of burning rage and bloodlust fuelled by infernal frustration.
DORIS: Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts I'm down to using Grade F meat!
(Meat packets read: "Grade-F Meat. Mostly Fungi of Yuggoth, some filler."
NODENS: Do you know why you are here, Bart Simpson?
BART: Yes, I killed an innocent Night-Gaunt.
NODENS: Night-Gaunts?? I just thought I needed a new quarterstaff! But since you have been admitted to being guilty of Gauntslaughter, I have no choice but to send a pack of Night-Gaunts to take you away and dump you near the Plateau of Leng.
BART: (as a horde of Night-Gaunts come to take him away) Not the Plateau of Leng!
TEDDYBEAR: I'm Sir Lovecraft-A-Lot. The bear who loves writing really stories so freaky that "Weird Tales" consider them too weird.
HOMER: They didn't have Lord Dunsany?
MARGE: It's the same basic bear, Homey.
HOMER: I know you! You're Asenath Whateley! You're a sorceress from Innsmouth!
ASENATH: It's Asenath Waite.
HOMER: How is this music going to rock anybody?? I've got something from my own personal stash!
(puts on a tape titled "Erich Zann - Recorded On Tape")
MUNCHY: Wouldn't you please turn down the volume?
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY: (drinks psychedelic carrot juice)
ASENATH WAITE: (appears out of thin air) Willy, you complete me!
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY: Asenath, it's you!
(Willy starts kissing a rake)
HOMER: Rat-Things! They're milking rat-things!
QUIMBY: Rat-Things? That's an outrage! (looks at Fat Tony) You promised me Byakhee or better.
(at a drive-in theatre)
CLERK: Uhm, "Necronomicon: The Movie" is so sanity-eroding that we offer all customers a million-dollar sanity insurance.
SKINNER: Erm... I doubt it'll be that
EDWARD PICKMAN DERBY: (together with his wife on the backseat of Skinner's car) Seymour! Asenath and I are losing valuable make-out time!!
FROG 1: Tsa-
FROG 2: Tho-
FROG 3: Gghua.
GIANT SNAKE: (swallows the frogs) Yig...
HOMER: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that Fungus from Yuggoth!
BART: What if we don't?
HOMER: We'll mangle an Elder Thing, and sell it to the Fox Network.
HOMER: We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special goat. She's millions of years old, and she has a thousand young.
MAN: This goat will devour us all! Aah!
HOMER: Er, I was referring to Shub-Niggurath...
WAITER: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
MARGE: Mmm, what about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?
WAITER: Yes.
MARGE: Well, that's what happens when you dine in Innsmouth.
MRS. KRABAPPEL: Who can tell me where the majestically rolling thunder and brightly crackling lightning adorning the darksome skyline of evenings hammered by howling storms come from?
BART: Azathoth!
MRS. KRABAPPEL: That's right. And who can tell me who invented nightmares?
BART: Cthulhu!
MRS. KRABAPPEL: Very right.
ANNOUNCER: This could be the most remarkable comeback since Cthulhu rose from his watery, slime-drenched tomb 'neath the opaque azure waves of the Pacific Ocean!
HOMER: Cthul-who?
MILHOUSE: Will there be Deep Ones in heaven?
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER: Certainly not!
BART: (throws a tiara away) Goodbye, fine Innsmouth Sea Gold.
MARGE: Bart!
HOMER: (opens the door) [sarcastic] Oh, great. Outer Gods!! [/sarcastic]
KANG & KODOS: Actually, we are Great Old Ones.
MUNCHY: Is that ... Abe Simpson? Jeez, man, we haven't seen you since
Dunwich.
HOMER: You went to Dunwich?
ABE: Your mother dragged us both to that god-forsaken Haunted Village! (TM)
HOMER: But I wanna play in the mud, and be a Cthulhu Cultist!
ABE: Never! What you need's a good, long hitch in Arkham!
HOMER: We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino!
NED: Homer, they blew that up yesterday.
HOMER: Oh, yeah, right. Then we're going down to Dunwich! Which is actually back in that direction.
("Goin' Down To Dunwich" by The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets starts playing in the background)
HOMER: Then I'll like to change my name.
JUDGE SNYDER: To which?
HOMER: Any of these!
JUDGE SNYDER: Hmm... "Charles Warland Marsh??" "Francis Zadok Ward??" "Dexter Thurston Carter?" "Randolph Allen?" I'll give you the one you've spelled correctly, and from now on your name will be...
(cue to a shot of Lisa, reading from a sheet of paper on the Simpsons' couch)
LISA: "Howard Phillips Lovecraft"????
HOMER: Dynamic, isn't it?
BART: I love it, Howard.
MARGE: You changed your name without consulting me?
HOMER: That's the way Howard Phillips Lovecraft is, Marge. Weird, uncompromising and eccentric!
ABE: Oh, wait a minute. The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father, and he traded a Shoggoth for it! And that Shoggoth saved Spring Break!
MARGE: But this will be so confusing! The editor of "Weird Tales" won't know what to do. Did you think of Robert E. Howard and August Derleth, too, at all before you did this?
HOMER: Yes, briefly.
MARGE: And what about the tattoo on my you-know-what?
HOMER: Oh, Honey, we can get the Elder Sign tattooed over that.
HOMER: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the courthouse I had them change your name.
MARGE: To what?
HOMER: Asenath Whately.
MARGE: Asenath Whately?
HOMER: Just try it for two weeks! If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Lavinia Waite Derby.
MARGE: I don't want to be Asenath Whately or Lavinia Waite Derby!
HOMER: Fine, Sonia Greene, it is.
REV. LOVEJOY: (drives by in a van and stops) Can you recommend any books?
LISA SIMPSON: Anything by Abdul Alhazred!
REV. LOVEJOY: Abdul Alhazred, I'll fix that! (drives away, the van reveals the words "Miskatonic University Book-Confiscating Mobile" on its side)
HOMER: All that counts is that we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh, there's Albert Wilmarth, Wilbur Whateley and Richard Upton Pickman.
BART: Wait a minute, they're not so great.
HOMER: Okay but there's Gustaf Johansen, Asenath Waite, Herbert West, Juan Romero, Keziah Mason... AAARGH! Barnabas Marsh! What the hell's going on?
BART: [looking out porthole] Wait! Only that ship's going to Mars. Ours is headed for Yuggoth.
BURNS: Have the Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets killed!
SMITHERS: But those were Bal-Sagoth!
BURNS: Do as I say! Cthulhu Fhtagn!
(Editor's note: The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets and Bal-Sagoth are two bands, which don't have much in common except for at tendency to make frequent references to H.P. Lovecraft in their lyrics)
BART: (looking up from his book) I'm reading.
LISA: No way. (looks at book cover) The Necronomicon? Is this all because of the ...(pantomimes the Innsmouth look, then jumping around while shouting "CTHULHU FHTAGN!")
BART: (watching "The poke of Zorro") It's a history lesson come to life!
LISA: No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate.
BART: Quiet! Here come the Shoggoths.
QUIMBY: And let me say "Cthulhu Fhtagn!"
NIMOY: Do you even know who I am?
CHALMERS: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
SKINNER: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
CHALMERS: Uh-huh. What region?
SKINNER: Rural Massachusetts.
CHALMERS: Really. Well, I'm from Arkham and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
SKINNER: Oh, not in Arkham, no; it's a Dunwich expression.
HOMER: The first meeting of The Esoteric Order of Dagon is called to order.
NED: I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, we don't want to go to Y'ha-nthlei.
LENNY: How about Cthulhu's Pals?
NED: No.
MOE: "The Generic Spooky Cult"?
NED: Cult ... I, I don't think you understand my objection.
BART: When I'm feeling low, you know what always cheers me up?
TODD: Is it love?
ROD: Kindness?
BART: Ooh, tough room. Videogames! Whaddya got? "John Dee's Necronomicon Blaster"??
HOMER: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Dagon?
YIG: I'm Yig.
HOMER: Oh yeah, Yig.
MOE: (looking in a mirror) Do I really have the Innsmouth look? It's worse than I thought!
HOMER: Aw, come on, Moe, you're not as ugly as the guys in Innsmouth.
CARL: Frogtown, USA!
BART: Look! A Cult Of Dagon casino!
HOMER: God bless the Deep Ones.
HOMER: (standing behind a giant wooden Cthulhu statue with a gas line fitted to it) Behold, I am King Talky Cthulhu. (a jet of flame erupts from somewhere between the wooden squidhead statue's many head-tentacles)
BART + LISA: Aaah!
HOMER: Hey, Flanders! Can your god do that?
NED: Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so --
HOMER: Irregardless, I am your god now. (another jet of flame singes the hedge) Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee!
MARGE: Homer, you can't just re-route the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?
Homer: Do anger Cthulhu! I am all-power -- (the idol tips over, catching the lawn on fire) Aaah!
MARGE: We can't keep fighting with these Innsmouth people, they're our neighbours.
HOMER: We need a wall, and a CYCLOPEAN one at that, like the ones they have in R'lyeh!
LISA: Now I think those commercials are going too far.
HOMER: Who cares. Creatures too horrible to describe SELL, particularly if they have lots of tentacles and names that totally are unpronouncable.
WILLY: 'Tis a mighty bottle o' puke!
WENDALL: That's not puke, that's a Formless Spawn!
MRS. PRINCE: While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room. How much will you give me for this?
COMIC BOOKSTORE GUY: Probably nothing, but let us see. Oh -- "Necronomicon: Translator's Notes" by Dr. John Dee. Miska-Tonic Water. Film reel labeled, "Formless Spawn Caught On Tape." I'll give you five dollars for the box.
(Bart & Milhouse, while figthing in the Comic Book Store, fall through a secret entrance to the basement of the store)
MILHOUSE: Whoa, Comic Book Guy's secret stash!
BART: Look at all these forbidden books! "Necronomicon". "Spanish Necronomicon". "Book of Eibon - Complete Version".
MILHOUSE: Hi, Bart! I've found something in the woods!
BART: Is it a Mi-Go??
MILHOUSE: It's far better than a Mi-Go!
LOVEJOY: We also have Esoteric Order Of Dagon ice cream!
LISA: That's fish-flavoured!
LOVEJOY: Exactly!
HOMER: The Simpsons are going to Massachusetts!
LISA: I wanna see the Miskatonic University's Library in Arkham!
BART: And I wanna go to Dunwich!
MARGE: What a charming quarter!
LISA: Mom!! This is a slum! Not only that, a slum in Innsmouth!! (Editor's note: And you thought the "ordinary" part of Innsmouth was in decay)
BART: I didn't know you knew Wilbur Whateley.
KRUSTY: Know him? He's my worthless half-brother.
KRUSTY: There's only one thing to do! Hey, book me that Great Old One which always bites me in the groin!
FEMALE VOICE: Susan Antony?
KRUSTY: No, Yig!
SKINNER: Tanks? At a Civil War re-enactment, that's just historically inaccurate!
FRINK: If that's the case, you certainly won't like my steam-powered robotic Dimensional Shambler!
LISA: (spots "Miskatonic University" bumper sticker on some girls's '71 Barracuda - which happens to have its "Plymouth" tag replaced with one reading "Innsmouth") You're university students?
GIRL: Yeah, but with our finely-tuned bodies which are the results of crossbreeding with some sort of mystic astral demigod with an unpronounceable name, everybody thinks we're younger.
MARGE: Bart, don't soothe!
BART: Cthulhu's sunken metropolis, Cthulhu's rules.
MAN: And only you can save us from the Devil!!
LISA: Which Devil??
MAN: The one you call... Nyarlathotep.
HOMER: Marge! Kids! I've got a wonderful new job at the Marsh Corporation, with three weeks paid vacation, free healthcare for me and my partner AND promised immortality! Thing is, we'll just have to move to Innsmouth, MA.
MARGE: You took a new job in a decaying Massachusetts seaport without discussing it with your family?
ROD & TODD: AAAghh! Night-Gaunts! Night-Gaunts! Night-Gaunts! Night-Gaunts!
LISA: They're not more dangerous than Byakhees.
ROD & TODD: [frightened] Byakhees? [/frightened]
MARGE: Please, don't bring any arcane books of forbidden knowledge back from the Miskatonic University Knowledge! I don't want to look like the worst mom in New England!
HOMER: Oh, honey, you're not New England's worst mother. What about that albino lady in Dunwich?
BART: Can't we just go over to Innsmouth?
MILHOUSE: If we're seen there, it will definitely take our social standing down a notch.
BART: We're what now, three?
MILHOUSE: 3 and a half. We worship the Great Old Ones but get away with it.
MR. MITCHELL : Hi there. How can I help you?
BART: You're the guy who owns the dog?
MR. MITCHELL: Yep. His name is Shoggoth.
BART: Shoggoth?!
MR. MITCHELL: Yeah, he's my best buddy, eh. 'specially since my Shantak decided to stop talking.
MARGE: You'll just have to accept it. R'lyeh is on the bottom of the ocean.
CPT. McALLISTER: (sad) Iä! Iä!
BART: Yeah, excuse me, I'm looking for somebody called... [checks paper] Nyarlathotep.
JAY LENO: Somebody wanna get this kid a Necronomicon?
MARGE: All Bart needs is a little discipline?
CHIEF WIGGUM: What about The Rhode Island National Guard?
HOMER: You're fishmen!
MOE: Actually, we prefer being called Deep Ones.
SELMA: Needs more Space-Mead!
PATTY: You always say that! Was it up to you, it'll be nothing but Space-Mead!
HOMER: Close your eyes, Marge. I've got a surprise for you!
MARGE: Okay (closes eyes)
HOMER: (holds a thick-as-a-tombstone leather-bound book in front of Marge) Okay, open your eyes!
MARGE: AAAAAHHHH!!
HOMER: It's a Necronomicon!! Isn't it nifty!
MARGE: Homer! I don't want any Necronomica in my house! Remember when Maggie accidentally summoned Yog-Sothoth?
HOMER: I thought Cletus Whateley did it.
LISA: That would have made a much more sense.
BART: Hey Dad, can I borrow that book tomorrow? I want to scare that crazy old university librarian.
MARGE: Mmm! No! Nobody's reading that book! TV says you're 58% more likely to call forth a Shoggoth than a Byakhee!
HOMER: TV said that?? But I ought to own a copy of the 'Nomicon! It's in the constitution!
KRUSTY: Let's meet our first bachelor. This guy describes himself as a "thoisty ole fellah"!! ZADOK ALLEN!!
(nobody wants Zadok)
KRUSTY (as Erich Zann is there): Come on, he plays the violin! What more can you wish for?
ZANN: Ach, ich bin nichts hübsch!
(later)
KRUSTY: Next bachelor likes upper-class women who drive fast cars... Edward Derby!!
(Derby walks straight to the other rejects, which alongside Zadok Allen and Erich Zann also includes Dr. Henry Armitage, Randolph Carter, Inspector LeGrasse, a Deep One and Wilbur Whateley)
APU: Only the Great Old Ones could stop a wedding!
HOMER: Great old ones, aye?
(later, at Apu's wedding)
HOMER: (interrupts the wedding, wearing an elephant mask) I am the Great Old One Chaugnar Faugn!! This wedding angers me!! It shall halt or all will die!
(somebody is throwing tomatoes at the Simpsons' house)
LISA: The Other Gods seem to be running out of tomatoes.
(a flying Night-Gaunt collides against the window, leaving a mess of viscera and black ichor)
BART: Nodens has plenty of Kamikaze-trained Night-Gaunts back, apparently.
MARGE: And the guy running it has the Innsmouth Look!
HOMER: He's not just a guy... he's a Cthulhu Cultist! And Cthulhu Cultists built this country.
TROY McCLURE: Do you wonder why people from Innsmouth have children with the Innsmouth Look, why Joseph Curwen's ghost occassionally kills his descendants to impersonate them or why superstitious people from Dunwich have superstitious children from Dunwich? It's not coincidence! It's because of DNA!! (pause) Hi, I'm Troy McClure - and you might remember me from such educational films such as "Alice's Voyage Into The Dreaded Abyss Of Insanity" and "Mom, What's Wrong With That Man Who Has Got The Innsmouth Look??"
A YOUNG WILBUR WHATELEY: [Massachusetts dialect] Traoy, wha's Dee-Enn-Aye? [/Massachusetts dialect]
MCCLURE: Well, Wilbur - DNA is the recipe the Elder Things used when they created life on earth!
WHATELEY: [Massachusetts dialect] Eld'r Things, huh? [/Massachusetts dialect]
MCCLURE: (puts on a starfish-shaped hat) An example: We'll take a dash of Yog-Sothoth, then a pinch of a Albino Woman from New England - and let it rest for 9 months! Mmm, that's good Wilbur!
WHATELEY: [Massachusetts dialect] Mr. McClure, What does Dee-Enn-Aye stan' for? Mr. McClure?? [/Massachusetts dialect]
(Movie ends!)
BART: (reading from the Necronomicon) That is not dead which can eternally lie, and with strange eons even Death may die.
LISA: [annoyed] Bart, please. Don't you remember that Joseph Curwen died hundreds of years ago tonight? [/annoyed]
BART: Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that will bring him back from the dead? [Lisa stares as Bart flips through the pages] Let's see what we got. Invoking Yog-Sothoth. Taming a Byakhee. Ahh, here we are: How to raise the dead.
(later, at the cemetary)
BART: N'gai, n'gha'ghaa, bugg-shoggog, y'hah... Yog-Sothoth, Yog-Sothoth ...
LISA: It's not working. (notices a cluster of shining spheres floating abovre them) Bart! You cast the wrong spell - look there, YOG-SOTHOTH!
BART: Please Lis, he prefers to be called the "The Keeper and Guardian of The Gate".
(Marge and Homer are making out together in their bed at night)
BART: (runs in) Mom! Dad!
HOMER: Don't turn on the light!
(Marge covers herself with a pillow)
BART: There's a UFO outside my window! Seriously!
MARGE: Bart, that's just Yog-Sothoth.
(Homer and Marge are at the bookstore)
HOMER: (looks at the Kama Sutra) Marge, the guy in this book looks like Apu!
MARGE: Shh! I don't want people to see us here!
BART: Hi, guys. What are you looking at?
(Marge and Homer find other books)
MARGE: (reading from a book about Philistine legend) I'm reading up on... Dagon the Fish-God.
HOMER: And I'm pursuing my interest in... (finds out that he's reading "King In Yellow") AAARGHH!!
(later)
MARGE: This one's a good choice and not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Henry Armitage, you know, that nice man from Massachusetts who's like a pleasant version of Grampa?
HOMER: Oooh, "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic New England"!
LISA: Look! Mom! Dad! This autobiography of Randolph Carter at 99 cents and the latest book from Miskatonic Publishing.
MARGE: "Strange World, Weird Explanations"
LISA: I hope it's as reasonable as their other books.
BART: (holds up book titled "The Secrets Of Antarctica") I'm getting this book on Elder Things. Did you know that they created all life on Earth, but that there's a huge conspiracy to cover it up?
MARGE: Why didn't you tell me that you brought home an ugly Byakhee?
HOMER: That Byakhee made the juice you're drinking!
MARGE: (spits out juice)
HOMER: Marge, can I get a Night-Gaunt?
MARGE: You already have a Byakhee and a Shoggoth!
MARGE: Well, that means we'll have to take you with us on our anniversary!
BART + LISA : YEAH!!
HOMER: But Marge, the Gilman Truffle is an intimate, elegant place!
BART: I know a place which is more romantic!
(The Simpsons celebrate at the "Esoteric Diner of Dagon" restaurant, which serves its
customers in a faux-Cthulhoid Temple setting, complete with Deep Ones running about noisily)
RESTAURANT OWNER: Okay, folks, this is your High Priest speaking. If you look to the left side of the
Esoteric Diner, you will see Homer and Marge Sampson, who are celebrating with us today their
eleventh anniversary, heh, heh. By the way, CTHULHU FHTAGN! (a bunch of cultists outside start chanting)
RESTAURANT OWNER: Hey Jose, easy up, huh?
CULTIST: Sorry. We were only hired to rouse rabbles.
(While the kids seem to be enjoying themselves, Marge looks sadly out the window towards The Gilman Truffle, where a young couple sit next to the window enjoying a romantic dinner, who happen to be Edward Derby and Asenath Waite...)
MARGE: Thankyou, for helping us out Rev. Lovejoy. I know you have never held a Hindu Ceremony.
LOVEJOY: Well, Nyarlathotep is Nyarlathotep. Plus I consulted a Hindu web-site.
LISA: Dad, those peanuts aren't for you, they're for the Nightgaunt!
HOMER: They are? [a Nightgaunt grabs him] Aghh, put me down! Lord Nodens commands you!
SKINNER: This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical. It's a powderkeg waiting to go off in an explosion of burning rage and bloodlust fuelled by infernal frustration.
DORIS: Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts I'm down to using Grade F meat!
(Meat packets read: "Grade-F Meat. Mostly Fungi of Yuggoth, some filler."
NODENS: Do you know why you are here, Bart Simpson?
BART: Yes, I killed an innocent Night-Gaunt.
NODENS: Night-Gaunts?? I just thought I needed a new quarterstaff! But since you have been admitted to being guilty of Gauntslaughter, I have no choice but to send a pack of Night-Gaunts to take you away and dump you near the Plateau of Leng.
BART: (as a horde of Night-Gaunts come to take him away) Not the Plateau of Leng!
TEDDYBEAR: I'm Sir Lovecraft-A-Lot. The bear who loves writing really stories so freaky that "Weird Tales" consider them too weird.
HOMER: They didn't have Lord Dunsany?
MARGE: It's the same basic bear, Homey.
HOMER: I know you! You're Asenath Whateley! You're a sorceress from Innsmouth!
ASENATH: It's Asenath Waite.
HOMER: How is this music going to rock anybody?? I've got something from my own personal stash!
(puts on a tape titled "Erich Zann - Recorded On Tape")
MUNCHY: Wouldn't you please turn down the volume?
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY: (drinks psychedelic carrot juice)
ASENATH WAITE: (appears out of thin air) Willy, you complete me!
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY: Asenath, it's you!
(Willy starts kissing a rake)
HOMER: Rat-Things! They're milking rat-things!
QUIMBY: Rat-Things? That's an outrage! (looks at Fat Tony) You promised me Byakhee or better.
(at a drive-in theatre)
CLERK: Uhm, "Necronomicon: The Movie" is so sanity-eroding that we offer all customers a million-dollar sanity insurance.
SKINNER: Erm... I doubt it'll be that
EDWARD PICKMAN DERBY: (together with his wife on the backseat of Skinner's car) Seymour! Asenath and I are losing valuable make-out time!!
Last edited by Peregrin Toker on 2003-08-22 03:25pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
-
Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
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And here's Bart's blackboard punishments:
"Bewitched" does not promote Cthulhu
I am not a Great Old One
I will not resurrect Joseph Curwen
I am not served by faceless demon-beasts
I have never been to the Dreamlands
I am not an incarnation of Nyarlathotep
I will not steal the Necronomicon from the school library
Asenath Waite does not "got back"
"Bewitched" does not promote Cthulhu
I am not a Great Old One
I will not resurrect Joseph Curwen
I am not served by faceless demon-beasts
I have never been to the Dreamlands
I am not an incarnation of Nyarlathotep
I will not steal the Necronomicon from the school library
Asenath Waite does not "got back"
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
-
Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
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Singular Quartet
- Sith Marauder
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The Yosemite Bear
- Mostly Harmless Nutcase (Requiescat in Pace)
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Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
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Lovecraft and I have so much in common.Singular Quartet wrote:it's actually fairly good... and byt he way, Simon, you have earned my beleif that you are twisted and weird for writing that much.Jadeite wrote:There is no way Im reading all that....
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
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Companion Cube
- Biozeminade!
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- Location: what did you doooooo щ(ﾟДﾟщ)
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Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
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- Location: Denmark
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