Star Wars-style "Dear Abby"

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2003-08-28 01:04am

Remember that Hyperdrive Radio clip I posted a while back? Well, the folks over at Hyperdrive Radio now want my cousin DJ'ing for them. So, he has come up with a segment called "Ask Adian," a Star Wars-style "Dear Abby," where residents of the Empire can write in and ask the ever-wise DJ about anything. I've already given him his first one.

Dear Adian,
I just met this girl at a bar, and we hit it off really well. I mean, she's fun to be around, is athletic and can take care of herself. But I'm a human, and she's a Wookie. Can it ever work?

If you guys can think up more, I'd be happy to compile the good ones and submit them to him.

And, by the way, I've already suggested that he throw in a Versus-style news blurb about a Star Destroyer encountering a ship captained by a bald man and succinctly obliterating it. He loved the idea.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2003-08-28 01:12am

Dear SW Abby, I was on a skiing junket, when a large metal walking machine interuped my vacation. I tried remodulating my LCARS ski poles to emit a polaron pulse to disrupted the electromagnetic alogalythem of the walkers computer mechinism, but it failed. I am out of scientific sounding answers and violence is never the solution. What could I do?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-08-28 01:15am

Dear Adian:

I've been dating this girl for a while and we're really hitting it off, but lately, I've been starting to suspect that she may be involved with the Rebellion. Her father once commented that it was wrong to execute the traitors on Alderaan, and I wonder if they're seditionists. It only came up once, and they never mentioned it again, but I can't help but think about it.

Should I confront her about this issue, or am I just being paranoid?

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-08-28 01:57am

Dear Adian,

My mother visits us from Ord Mantell (our apartment is in a space station on the Taikaan hyperspace route- about 66,000 light-years from her home) to see her grandchildren. Once in a while would be fine, but she books passage sometimes two or three times a week! I know it's got to be costing her a tremendous amount of credits each way, and I think she needs to limit her visits. Should i tell her this, or should I keep my mouth shut about how she spends her money?

Worried on the Taikaan route

(possible responce)

Dear Worried,

Hey, compared to this next letter, your mother has it easy:

Dear Adian,

My long-time girlfriend has just moved to a backwater little planet on the other side of the galaxy. She's just gotten a degree in droid engineering and now she's working for this middle-of-nowhere company to update their droid tech level from ancient to near-ancient, which they're paying her a lot for and she says she really enjoys the job. My problem is that the planet is so obscure that the only way I can send messages is through independent corriers (which I can't afford anyway), and anything she sends to me has to travel on ships so outdated that it takes 40 days to arrive. I've considered moving there, but i'd kinda like to be able to buy products in the same century they're first made. Can our absurdly-long-distance relationship hold up?

Two-Thousand Light-Years Away in the Mid Rim

StarshipTitanic · Post by **StarshipTitanic** » 2003-08-28 02:28am

Dear Adian:

I've been having some trouble with my friends. While they all have new T-16s and are blasting womp rats in Beggar's Canyon, I'm stuck with my dad's old T-6 and it can't even lock onto a dewback. It couldn't hit the broadside of a sandcrawler! My friends all laugh and call me "Jawawacker" because of an incident I don't care to talk about. How could I prove to my friends that I'm cool? I tried telling them about my dad who was a navigator on a spice freighter but someone's dad really WAS a navigator on a spice freighter! I couldn't go outside or the Tuscan Raiders would laugh at me. Help!

Torn up on Tatooine

otter · Post by **otter** » 2003-08-28 04:10am

Dear Adian,

Our uncle "Palpy" lives with his "life partner", whom I'll call "Dave".

Because of that, we only take the kids to see him on his birthday. But the real problem is his poor attitude. He always lightning bolts me and the wife for not coming over to take our place at his side more often. When he's displeased with the gifts the children have given him his "life partner" force chokes them and yells "You have failed me for the last time!"

How can I get him and his partner to lighten up some?

Signed,
Concerned sith

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-28 09:54am

otter wrote:Dear Adian,

Our uncle "Palpy" lives with his "life partner", whom I'll call "Dave".

Because of that, we only take the kids to see him on his birthday. But the real problem is his poor attitude. He always lightning bolts me and the wife for not coming over to take our place at his side more often. When he's displeased with the gifts the children have given him his "life partner" force chokes them and yells "You have failed me for the last time!"

How can I get him and his partner to lighten up some?

Signed,
Concerned sith

Palpatine is married??

The Dark · Post by **The Dark** » 2003-08-28 10:14am

Simon H.Johansen wrote:
otter wrote:Dear Adian,

Our uncle "Palpy" lives with his "life partner", whom I'll call "Dave".

Because of that, we only take the kids to see him on his birthday. But the real problem is his poor attitude. He always lightning bolts me and the wife for not coming over to take our place at his side more often. When he's displeased with the gifts the children have given him his "life partner" force chokes them and yells "You have failed me for the last time!"

How can I get him and his partner to lighten up some?

Signed,
Concerned sith
Palpatine is married??

*sigh* Read the life partner's name and switch the d and the v. If you don't get it then, I may have to drop an angry stoat down your pants (I'd forgotten about my stoats

).

Axis Kast · Post by **Axis Kast** » 2003-08-28 01:16pm

Dear Adian,

My Uncle Lars is a first-class pain...

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-08-28 01:23pm

Axis Kast wrote:Dear Adian,

My Uncle Lars is a first-class pain...

Is he going to whine about not being allowed to go hang out with his friends? Or the academy?

Post by **Vympel** » 2003-08-28 01:29pm

He wants to go to what'shisface's station to pick up some power converters. Oh what fun to be had on Tatooine ...

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-08-28 01:43pm

Vympel wrote:He wants to go to what'shisface's station to pick up some power converters. Oh what fun to be had on Tatooine ...

Toshi station. Or however it's spelled.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-08-28 05:23pm

If you need a little voice talent for that or any other segment, I'm availabe.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-29 02:10am

neoolong wrote:
Vympel wrote:He wants to go to what'shisface's station to pick up some power converters. Oh what fun to be had on Tatooine ...
Toshi station. Or however it's spelled.

By the way - I always wondered what was so important about those power converters.

CorSec · Post by **CorSec** » 2003-08-29 02:28am

The Dark wrote:
Simon H.Johansen wrote:Palpatine is married??
*sigh* Read the life partner's name and switch the d and the v. If you don't get it then, I may have to drop an angry stoat down your pants (I'd forgotten about my stoats ).

It's made only a little funnier when you remember that the 'life partner' was played by an actor named Dave.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-29 03:46am

Here's another for SW-style "Dear Abby"

Dear Adian,

I'm not sure whether my girlfriend just is anorexic, or a Human-Kaminoan crossbreed.

(Sorry, I just couldn't resist...

)

Smiling Bandit · Post by **Smiling Bandit** » 2003-08-29 09:11am

By the way - I always wondered what was so important about those power converters.

Probably voltage changers or something - there good reason to think a 40-year old droid design might need a slightly different charge than, well something else. But the real reason was that Luke wanted to hang out with his pals.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-08-29 12:09pm

Smiling Bandit wrote:
By the way - I always wondered what was so important about those power converters.
Probably voltage changers or something - there good reason to think a 40-year old droid design might need a slightly different charge than, well something else. But the real reason was that Luke wanted to hang out with his pals.

Maybe they're for his speeder which he wanted to soup up with his friends.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-29 01:13pm

neoolong wrote:
Smiling Bandit wrote:
By the way - I always wondered what was so important about those power converters.
Probably voltage changers or something - there good reason to think a 40-year old droid design might need a slightly different charge than, well something else. But the real reason was that Luke wanted to hang out with his pals.
Maybe they're for his speeder which he wanted to soup up with his friends.

Or maybe that T-16 Skyhopper of his had some broken power converters. (I can't remember exactly why Luke couldn't fly it)

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-08-29 01:15pm

Simon H.Johansen wrote:(I can't remember exactly why Luke couldn't fly it)

Because he was grounded.

Solauren · Post by **Solauren** » 2003-08-29 05:08pm

Dear Abbey

My married lover is obsessed with building a giant metal sphere that he's calling his one-eyed planet killer, should I be concerned.

A.Daala.

Dear Abbey
My husband is becoming increasingly evil, and seems to be hanging out with our mutual boss, and old man, alot, as well as dressing in dark leather clothing.
What should I do?

Warspite · Post by **Warspite** » 2003-08-29 05:59pm

Dear Adian,

Today, I've seated next to a Jedi, am I pregnant?

Mind Triked

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-30 03:02am

Dear Adian,

My roommate has an irrational hatred of technology, enjoys mutilating himself and never goes anywhere without his pet snake. Is there anything wrong with him?

dworkin · Post by **dworkin** » 2003-08-30 09:39am

I'm a leader for Adventure Sports and lately I'm a little worried. Our cross crountry snow trek was interupted by giant walking platforms blasting the crap out of some guys we had just bought rations from. Then a few days later while base jumping from a gas refinery the same dudes turn up. It seems to me that there may be some galaxy wide conflict going on and so I thought I should check before organising a jungle tramp. I've chosen an out of the way forest moon orbiting Endor. Or should I wait until these white faced idiots stop disrupting the tourism industry?

Financialy worried

CorSec · Post by **CorSec** » 2003-08-30 01:13pm

Dear Adian,

Yesterday, I was waiting for a friend of mine to stop by, we were going to run errands and hang out for the evening. Well, he never showed up. While that's enough to get my blood boiling all by itself, today I heard that his aunt and uncle were found dead and their house burned to the ground (well, burned under the ground, this is Tattooine and all!). I still haven't heard from my friend. It's no secret to me that he never really liked his uncle. Should I tell the authorities that he may have finally gone over the edge and killed them?

Regards
Concerned in Tattooine