Star Wars-style "Dear Abby"

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-08-30 06:15pm

Dear Abby,
I am a typical Alderaanian astronomer, and I am looking through my telescope right now. About a minute ago, this giant moon came out of hyperspace, a few planetary diameters away! A whole moon! It has one giant crater, and... wait, hold on a sec, the crater is glowing green! What th-

Dear Adian,
I bought this wierd bit of art a couple days ago. It looks like a human sreaming in anguish stuck in a block of stone. There are flashing lights on the side. Anyway, almost immediately, a bunch of people come after me. There's this guy wearing really cool green armour, he burned my house down. Then there's this Trandoshan, and a big assassin droid. Also, a this old beat up YT-1300 is following me. What should I do?
Art the Collector

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-31 03:13am

Dear Abby,

My daughter is in love with Palpatine. Is she insane, necrophiliac or both??

Signed,
Armand Isard.

PainRack · Post by **PainRack** » 2003-08-31 12:17pm

Dear Adian,
Ever since my former teacher and best friend abandoned me to die, I have been down in the pits(literally). I taken to wearing leather clothing and a mask that obscure my breathing. The problem is, my wife is saying that she's extremely turned off by my costume and refuses to wear the sexy gold bikini with chain attached during our love making. I don't see what the issue is, considering her experience in using the chain as a whip.

The worse part of all, she has begun hanging out with above former teacher and friend way too often, and her stomach has begun to distend. Is she having an affair?

To add to my sexuality problems, another dear friend of mine has started expressing interest in me. He has always said that I am extremely gifted, and recently has started epousing that I "join him in the dark side". He's extremely mature, but he has a magnetic charisma that I can't resist. And to go where the sun don't shine is an offer I can't resist( my wife has gone off that).

What do I do?

Signed, Annkie.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-08-31 01:45pm

PainRack wrote:Dear Adian,
Ever since my former teacher and best friend abandoned me to die, I have been down in the pits(literally). I taken to wearing leather clothing and a mask that obscure my breathing. The problem is, my wife is saying that she's extremely turned off by my costume and refuses to wear the sexy gold bikini with chain attached during our love making. I don't see what the issue is, considering her experience in using the chain as a whip.

The worse part of all, she has begun hanging out with above former teacher and friend way too often, and her stomach has begun to distend. Is she having an affair?

To add to my sexuality problems, another dear friend of mine has started expressing interest in me. He has always said that I am extremely gifted, and recently has started epousing that I "join him in the dark side". He's extremely mature, but he has a magnetic charisma that I can't resist. And to go where the sun don't shine is an offer I can't resist( my wife has gone off that).

What do I do?

Signed, Annkie.

Possible response: Give yourself to the Dark Side.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-09-01 08:04am

Dear Adian,

Somebody has deleted all records of my homeworld! As the Rishi Maze's primary suppliers of clones, this has hurt us financially.

Do you know who's behind this?

Yours,
Taun We, Assistant to the Prime Minister of Kamino.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-09-01 12:26pm

Dear Adian,
My Dad's head got cut off by this BMF Jedi, but I wasn't able to get the rest of the body. Should I bury the head, or creamate it?
-Boba

Dear Adian,
I accidentally dropped my stylus yesterday, and I made the mistake of bending over to pick it up. Since I have no muscles in my back, I can't stand back up now. What should I do?
Kaminoan in Pain

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-09-01 02:16pm

YT300000 wrote:Dear Adian,
I accidentally dropped my stylus yesterday, and I made the mistake of bending over to pick it up. Since I have no muscles in my back, I can't stand back up now. What should I do?
Kaminoan in Pain

Hilarious. Always nice to see that I'm not the only one baffled by the Kaminoans' ludicrously unrealistic anatomy. (Not that this prohibits me from having Lama Su as my avatar)

Here's another one:

Dear Adian,
For some reason, Jabba the Hutt doesn't want my band to play "Lapti Nek" any longer but instead requests a lame blues number called "Jedi Rocks". What should I do?
- Max Rebo