Darth Garden Gnome wrote:Captain_Cyran wrote:<snip insanity> These people are from Buffalo, like I said, Buffalonians are crazy motherfuckers...don't mess with them.
Right...*backs away slowly*
*smashes the unsuspecting gnome with the sledgehammer*
and now that that's outta the way:
Part 16: Some People Really Are Cruel Bastards
*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN walking down the street. KUJA is talking on his cell phone*
KUJA: Yeah. OK then, I'll see you there.
*he hangs up*
CYRAN: Success?
KUJA: Success. That takes care of the guest list. Now, all we need is the killer stereo system and four metric tons of explosives.
CYRAN: Shouldn't be too difficult.
*KUJA suddenly stops and looks down at his feet. Then, he bends over and picks up a soccer ball*
KUJA: What the hell?
*a trio of little KIDS run up*
KID 1: Um, excuse me, sir?
KUJA: Yeah? What do you want?
KID 2: May we have our ball back?
*a brief pause*
KUJA: You REALLY want this ball back?
KID 3: Yes, please.
*KUJA dropkicks the ball into the Hudson River*
KUJA: Go fetch.
*KUJA walks away as the three KIDS burst into tears. CYRAN watches in astonishment, then he hurries to catch up with KUJA*
CYRAN: Now what the hell was that all about?
KUJA: What?
CYRAN: What do mean 'what?' You kicking that ball into the river, that's what!
KUJA: Well, what about it?
*CYRAN is at a loss for words*
CYRAN: Wait a minute. You're pissed about something, aren't you?
KUJA: *sarcastically* Pissed? Why would I be pissed?
CYRAN: Yep. You're pissed.
*KUJA makes an empty-hand gesture*
KUJA: Look Cyran, I just-
*KUJA stops speaking as an object falls into his hands. Both he and CYRAN stop walking and stare*
CYRAN: It's an egg.
KUJA: And it's…hatching.
*a baby BIRD pokes its way through the shell and looks at KUJA, blinking*
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: Awwwwww, isn't that sweet? He thinks you're his mom!
KUJA: What. The. Fuck.
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: He sounds hungry.
KUJA: Well, feed him something.
CYRAN: I can't. You're his mother, you have to feed him.
*he holds up a worn to demonstrate. The bird refuses to take the worm from CYRAN, but gulps it down when KUJA hands it over*
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: See?
KUJA: So…now I have to take care of him?
CYRAN: Yep. You have to feed him and keep him warm, and help him grow, and love him-
KUJA: Like I have that kind of time? Fuck it.
*KUJA drops the BIRD on the sidewalk and brings his sledgehammer down on top of it*
CYRAN: YOU ARE SO FUCKING HEARTLESS, YOU KNOW THAT?!
*KUJA grunts and begins to walk away*
CYRAN: Wait a minute. This is about you and Zaia, isn't it? *no reply* ISN'T IT?
*KUJA stops completely, then spins around and begins rummaging through CYRAN'S traveling bag*
CYRAN: Hey, wait, what're you, what, why, hey-
*KUJA pulls out a weapon shaped like a shotgun, but with a nasty-looking claw on the end. Stenciled on the side are the words 'Auto-Castrator'. KUJA levels it*
KUJA: I'm going to use this unless you shut the hell up.
CYRAN: *nervously* Um, okay.
*KUJA begins to walk away*
CYRAN: But seriously, Kuja, you shouldn't be so freaking nasty when you get mad.
KUJA: So what the hell do you suggest?
CYRAN: First, gimme back the A-C.
*KUJA hands it over*
CYRAN: You should just try smiling and being nice to people. It'll make you feel better!
KUJA: Just the thought of it makes me want to kill something.
CYRAN: But seriously-
BEGGAR: Got a quarter?
CYRAN: Later man, we're kind of busy. Anyway-
BEGGAR: Just a quarter?
CYRAN: I said later, pal! Now scram!
BEGGAR: Aw, come on!
*CYRAN turns, shoves the Auto-Castrator into the man's groin, and pulls the trigger. The Auto-Castrator does what it does best*
BEGGAR: AAAGGHH! AAAGGGHH! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!
*the guy falls to the ground and continues screaming. KUJA places his hand on CYRAN'S shoulder*
KUJA: Now, wasn't that a lot more satisfying then ' smiling and being nice to people'?
CYRAN: Fuck yeah!
KUJA: Let's go. We've got shopping to do.
CYRAN: Wait, can I have my five seconds of fame now?
KUJA: Sure thing.
*CYRAN strikes a dynamic pose, gore dripping from the end of his weapon*
CYRAN: With my Donut Cannon, Angry Bombs, and Auto-Castrator…I, Captain Cyran, am the master of UN-conventional weaponry!
*trumpets blare*
KUJA: OK, that's enough.
*they take off. CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA, some distance back. They gape at the ever-increasing carnage*
STRAVO: And THIS is what they do just on a whim? *he shudders*
ZAIA: I swear, when I find Kuja, I'm going to beat him senseless.
STRAVO: What about Cyran?
ZAIA: Oh, I'll probably let him off with a stern warning.
*a beat*
STRAVO: You and Kuja really need to work this out.
*ZAIA sprouts her claws*
ZAIA: Did you just say something?
STRAVO: *quickly* Who? Me? Of course not. Why would I?
ZAIA: I didn't think so.
*fade out*
