An Open letter to Cartoon Network

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2003-09-05 05:49pm

Reposted from SB:

Centurion wrote:Note: WARNING this is from here and while the article itself is clean, the site it's from is not (although, it's damn funny if you have a twisted sense of humor such as myself). While I believe the article is best read in it's full context at the link, I'll post the whole thing for those who don't want to deal with a non-work safe site.

Also, the author of this article runs Chibi Clan Nudity. Despite the name, it contains no nudity and the only adult content would be articles by "MEF". Otherwise, it's a collection of bizzare flash, reviews of bad game ROMS and B-movies. Funny stuff, IMO, one of my favorite sites.

An Open Letter to Cartoon Network

Because the easiest way to protest prurient materials is to post it on a pornographic website.

I recieved this mysterious e-mail in my box the other day from a concerned parent who apparently didn't know exactly who was in charge of the Cartoon Network, so she got her hands on one of those mass spam e-mailers and just sent it out to everyone on the internet. Of course, in a barbiturate-and-whiskey induced haze, she forgot to edit the subject line, so it kind of got send out with the subject "jimMAKE YOUR PENIS GR hklfhskhjks" so I guess no one actually read it. But I rescued it from the abyss, and now we can all be shocked by the terrible abuses of this "Car Toon Network" -Rev

Dear Time Warner Broadcasting,

I must say I have never been so disgusted in my life. Recently I looked up from my steamy adults-only romance novel to see my precious little gifts from God watching your "cartoon network," which I always thought of as a beacon of educational morals and lessons of life. What did I see? Did I see minorities and us white folks dancing around the Maypole of racial harmony using kind words and puppy kisses as ribbons? Did I see a dancing dinosaur with a mohawk skateboarding his way into our hearts so he may open the door to the past and show us how dinosaurs are complex beings who can be taught to speak English or eat potato chips if only they didn't die a horribly agonizing death millions of years ago? No, I most certainly did not.

I must preface my disgust and eventual claims of moral superiority with shameless self-promotion. As a housewife and mother of two, I don't have a lot to be proud of. Sure, I can get pots and pans clean in mere minutes using the exact science of "shoving them in the dishwasher, then going to pour myself a stiff drink," but the neighbors have stopped returning my nightly phonecalls where I praise myself for the ability to both pre-rinse and press the "start" button on the machine. I guess I could take pride in the fact that my children don't have the Black Death, but that's hardly as much my doing as the rats that have decided not to nest in my childrens' hair...and don't think I don't thank those rats every night. So, really, the only thing I can gloat about is the fact that I do have two small children, even if one of my kids is infected with a horrible disease called the A.D.D. which has no cure. Have you heard about this disease? Apparently it causes children to act out impulsively and do stupid things like ride their bikes out of their bedroom window or write long winded letters to faceless corporations using addresses they get out of TV Guide. My little Billy is the most precious thing in my life next to my other child, my husband, God, my soap operas, those little dashboard Jesus things, dancing hamster toys, and 20-something NASCAR rookies, but sometimes even I can't take all his excessive jumping around and asking about where his father is. God help me, Billy, if I knew where your father is, I wouldn't be sitting here crying into your Barney comforter, that's for damn sure. I don't know how little Billy got this horrible ailment, but I heard that it's sometimes heredi...oh god, that's sure is a pretty car outside. I wonder what kind of mileage it gets. I bet it's foreign. Cars aren't that nice when they are made over here. Oh Jesus, what was I talking about again?

My innocent and charming daughter Kara just loves your Cartoon Network channel, though. All day long she sits a mere 6 inches away from the television, with her nose firmly pressed against the brightly colored screen, absorbing all the life lessons I'm sure you're broadcasting to the millions of impressionable minds out there. She especially loves that darling little show you guys have, the Powderpuff Girls or something. Not a day goes by where I don't hear her scream, "GIRLS RULE! I'M BUBBLES! I FIGHT CRIME," followed by little Billy's A.D.D. acting up as he cries bloody murder about a black eye or something. God, he screams so much that I just tune him out with Opera now. But what I'm trying to say is: thanks for giving my little girl a role model that can teach her about the world around her. If only there was a way to get little Billy to watch this great show without him cowering in fear at the mere mention of its name. That must be the A.D.D. acting up again.

The other day my little bundles of Jesus' love were watching your channel like they do religiously, everyday from 3 until I get bored and decide to throw them in bed. Usually they are only exposed to a bunch of poor kids trying to steal some money for a jawbreaker or a blonde haired guy raiding some poor girls' panty drawers. You know, wholesome entertainment. Today was a different box of whole grain oats all together, though. I bore witness to the most depraved act of inhumanity I've ever seen on television, and the fact that you guys label it "wholesome" and "educational" or, dare I say it, "edutainment," makes it even more perverse and demented.

Today I saw a boy with saucer plate eyes punch some planes in a giant robot.

Dear god, what were you guys thinking? Do you know how influential you guys are to my precious precious children? I am a mother. My children aren't allowed to run around outside naked with all their bits flapping in the breeze (trust me, they tried). Since their nakedness could send me to jail or somehow sexually arouse the lonely creepy kid next door, I end up having to cloth them a lot. This leads to a lot of laundry. Do you Cartoon bigwigs do laundry? Have you any idea how much of a goddamn chore it is? You can't just put the dirty clothes in a pile, light a match, and hope that God takes care of the rest. That did not give me clean laundry, that just gave me a courtdate for attempted arson. Which leads to the bigger problem: when I'm out pleading to a judge that I'm too pretty to go to jail, who will watch my kids for me? Surely not the lonely, creepy, now sexually aroused kid next door. No, Cartoon Network, I have to turn to you. It is your civic duty to raise my kids for me whenever I'm doing more important things. Wasn't that why Benjamin Franklin spent so much time inventing the first televised puppet show? He didn't want our kids pretending to be giant robots crushing lego buildings. No, he wanted our children to learn. Plus, I'm sure, even back then, he realized just how expensive those legos were and just how easily they will snap like twigs under a 6 year old who think he's a giant robot's weight. If Benjamin Franklin knew the value of today's dollar way back then, why don't you? Were you too busy getting your kicks imagining just how many pretend robot-related accidents you were causing throughout living rooms across America? How many times little Nicky will attempt to set his eye lasers to stun only to somehow get a fork or other sharp object stuck in them? Or how many times little Suzie will attempt to "recharge" her "batteries" by sticking her pigtails in a light socket? What kind of sick freaks are you?

After witnessing this horrible attack on wholesomeness and warm fuzzies, I made it my mission to get the true inside dirt on this filth you pander off to my children. I sat in front of that television with my kids for three straight days, taking notes of every obscene gesture or act of antisocial behavior I could see. I mean, seriously, have any of you actually watched the depravity you guys put on the air? Look at your "award winning" documentary of science and experimentation during the early development years: Dexter's Laboritory. Back before I was on to your sick little game of corrupting my children and turning them into MTV Direct Effect wearing, pants dropping, gang sign throwing, street corner pimping lunatics, I thought Dexter was a great role model for my little Billy to look up to, even if he appears to be only 2 foot 6. Then I took a deeper look at this so called "boy genius" and saw the sinister undercurrent that flowed underneath his Gap Kids-brand lab coat. Dexter is nothing but a dirty rotten thief! All day he runs thousands of machines and computers in a secret room where his parents haven't a clue about his daily energy consumption. I figure, at this point, he most have cost his parents at least a cool 6 million a month to keep this so called "hive of science" humming. Thank god his father could easily afford that at whatever job he works at, though. But for a mother of two like myself, I can't swing 5 million a month let alone 6 million. What if my little angels from heaven decide to take up some of the bad habits your show has taught them and leave their Lite-Brites plugged in during bathtime? Jesus Christ, that's like an extra 50 cents right there that I could have put towards their college education! Are you going to refund me whenever the combination of my lax parenting and your shoddy moral conditioning takes a shot at my pocketbook?

Don't even get me started on your "Adult Swim" block of programming! I have never seen such utter garbage rolled out so continuously by a major corporation since my garbage company messed up and dumped the neighborhood's weekly haul on my front lawn. As I sat, on hour 39 of my three day binge of your ruthless assault on my morality, I reached the Holy Grail of bad influnces: this show you call "Fooly Cooly." Now, I'm as minority-tolerant as the next person. I force my kids to watch balanced programming like the Proud Family sometimes, like when I need a good punishment and they already ate dinner. Kids today, you can't slap them because that's abuse and you can't send them to their room because that's where they make their bombs. So, as their tears flow like rivers of regret, I sit down and force them to try to learn a lesson through culturally-based narratives. Fooly Cooly, however, is just a complete farce on everything this country stands for. First off, I don't speak Japanese. I don't know what a "Fooly Cooly" is, so I'm just going to assume it means underage prostitution, because I saw a special on Japan once on MSNBC and jumped to the conclusion that lolita sex is all the rage on that twisted island. I can just imagine you sick men walking the street chanting, "FOOLY COOLY FOR SALE, TWO BITS!" like you were selling bird seed on the corner. Well, Cartoon Network, I have news for you: underage sex is not birdseed, it's illegal, so please stop giving me "Get Rich Quick" ideas through your program titles. I know Kara is a bit developed for her age and I don't need any devils whispering "Shortcuts to Success" in my ear.

Now, the name is bad enough. You'd think your sick program programmers would stop there, right? Oh god no. This show just might be the most morally corrupt 30 minutes I have ever witnessed since that time I accidentally watched Captain Ron thinking it was a porno. This show featured random and overtly needless "pantyshots" at every turn. What is wrong with you, Cartoon Network? My little Billy doesn't need anything more than a bowl of sugar and the rush you feel when you crash after the Ritalin wears off to get excited. The last thing his fragile little mind can tolerate is a peak at drawn female undergarments. If he asks, "Mommy, how come the cartoon underwear doesn't have a pee-pee flap in the front," how do I respond?

Just minutes after what seemed like the 37 flash of schoolgirl undergarment, you guys found yourself a new low. One of the characters of this "Underage Prostitution" show was eating a frozen ice pop. Yes, I know what that's supposed to symbolize. You know what that's about to symbolize. My children need to be protected from sexual innuendo only sick minds like ours could pick up. What if, one day, my daughter was eating a rocket pop and you decided to drive through our neighborhood. You'll stop, stare, and laugh at how awkward it looked, wouldn't you? Sure you would, you sick, godless freaks! I don't need my little girl getting any sick ideas about having a frozen ice treat when the creepy kid next door is ready to snap at the drop of a Wal-mart Sesame Street jumper set.

Before you try to defend your attacks on children everywhere with your defenses like "Well, it's on after midnight" or "It airs with warnings about mature content before, during, and after each showing," you have to take in mind that kids are creatures of the night by habit. What if I accidentally confuse little Billy's ritalin with crystal meth again? Do you know how long a six year old can stay up when he has that running throw his system? When that happens, at midnight, I'm too busy cleaning out his vomit and other bodily functions to notice any kind of warning you might air. Clearly the only way to solve this problem would be to implant chips in childrens' brains that instantly render them unconscious whenever they try to watch a show that's rated too old for them. The only problem with my genius idea is I'm sure Medicare will consider that "elective surgery," which means I'll never find a doctor who can perform it under insurance. Thankfully, I took the incentive and practiced this medical precedure a half dozen times on neighborhood strays. Sadly, my findings have yielded nothing but a living room full of dead tomcats and mutts, but I'm sure I'll hit paydirt. Enclosed with this letter is a bill for the removal of said dead animals and the cleaning up after them, which I directly attribute to your "Fooly Cooly."

Cartoon Network, if you want to continue to be a shining light in the tunnel that is a child's mind before they reach that age when they realize that Courage the Cowardly Dog is actually a very stupid premise stretched out way too far for cheap laughs, you really have to start taking the role a bit more seriously. Children need rules, structure, and life lessons in their cartoons, not ice pops and underwear. Until you clean up your act, I am actively getting my AA group and other support groups associated with it to ban your entire line-up. Hopefully that'll show you that we're serious about our childrens' mental development.

Forever taking God's highroad to moral superiority,
Roseanna P. Dawson
Proud Mother of Two/Self-Appointed Watchdog for all that is wrong in the world

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-09-05 05:56pm

Hilarity.

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-09-05 05:56pm

Today I saw a boy with saucer plate eyes punch some planes in a giant robot.

This describes 75% of the mecha anime ever produced

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-09-05 06:11pm

It is your civic duty to raise my kids for me whenever I'm doing more important things.

That alone made me laugh.

Truly it's comedy gold.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-09-05 06:33pm

Ghost Rider wrote:
It is your civic duty to raise my kids for me whenever I'm doing more important things.
That alone made me laugh.

Truly it's comedy gold.

Obviously. It's the school's responsibility.

zombie84 · Post by **zombie84** » 2003-09-05 07:20pm

i think that whole "letter" was just a clever bit of satire.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2003-09-05 07:29pm

zombie84 wrote:i think that whole "letter" was just a clever bit of satire.

Uh...yeah. Duh.

Hey, does anyone have that "Master of the Obvious" picture? I think it needs to be posted now.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-09-05 07:45pm

zombie84 wrote:i think that whole "letter" was just a clever bit of satire.

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, TO THE RESCUE!

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-09-05 08:24pm

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2003-09-05 08:59pm

R O F L
FUCKING HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! OMFG!!! This is probably the most well thought-out, prolific, awesome bit of literature I have ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on.

Well, it wasn't all THAt, but it certainly was entertaining. Thank you for the post!!! LOL

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-09-05 10:03pm

I'm a bit surprised they didn't comment or mock the irony that this supposed mother manages to find the time to watch CN for three whole days, when she could barely keep an eye on her kids for things that actually needed her attention.

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2003-09-06 12:27am

That was funny,

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-09-06 02:45am

The scary thing is that at first read, I didn't even find out it was satire....

The Cleric · Post by **The Cleric** » 2003-09-06 09:35am

The ADD joke gave it away first.

Isil`Zha · Post by **Isil`Zha** » 2003-09-06 05:12pm

hmm, I used to have a Captain Obvious pic I had made by doing a little editing to a Captain America pic... which I replaced my friend's window's start up screen with that since he kept stating the obvious that day. :p That stuck there for a month or so before he got it off. heh

If only I had that pic still....

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-09-06 05:35pm

Sounds like the "i'm a mother" panalist from Pressing Issues in GTA:VC.

"I caught my son using slang words in the house! I tell you ii beat him within an inch of his life. He'll never say Rad or Cool againi!"

Darth Garden Gnome · Post by **Darth Garden Gnome** » 2003-09-06 10:42pm

[Saddam Hussien]I give this 3 1/2 Little Saddams.[/SH]