Episode 1: Rise of the Gnomes
The Arrowhead Pond, Anaheim California, June 6th, 2006
ANNOUNCER: And the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim have just swept the Detroit Red Wings and are on their way to defend their Stanley Cup Title! J.S. Giguere shuts out the Red Wings four straight games and extends his streak of shutouts to sixteen straight games.
Beneath the Earth, in a Subterranean Labyrinth
*The hideous Bulk of Darth Garden Gnome, hermaphroditic creature-beast and leader of the Gnome Armies tosses a Redshirt Gnomish Soldier through the television!*
DGG: GAH! NOT AGAIN! WHERE IS THE GRAND VIZIER!
Rogue Ice: Right Here Oh Powerful One!
DGG: Deploy our forces on Orange County! Bring me the heads of the Mighty Ducks NOW! And bring me the Stanley Cup!
Rogue Ice: My lord if I may, we have forces all over the planet we could acquire some uranium for our nuclear program, sujugate a small nation, or threaten the major governments of the world, perhaps our forces would be best used...
DGG: You FOOL! the Stanley CUp shall be mine! YOu dare to question the Supreme Gnome?
*Darth Gaden Gnome hefts his slug tail and excretes several Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers brandishing swords, all fiercely loyal to their master*
Rogue Ice: Errr...Right my lord (I wish he wouldn't do that in front of me), The Stanley Cup it shall be.
*hours later*
NEWS REPORTER: THis is Skip Featherbottoms here with breakingnews. Disneyland is aflame today in the wake of the Mighty Ducks Fourth Stnley Cup final in as many years, a horde of what appear to be elves...
MiTh: GNOMES!
REPORTER: Right, right, Gnomes. This horde has begun attacking the City of Anaheim, their goal, to take the Stanley CUp, and something about "Killing all humans."
MiTh: KILL ALL HUMANS!
REPORTER: AHHHHHHH!!!!
MiTh: This is a special warning from our master! The band of warriors known as the Ducks shall be executed and presented to our master on the eve of Detroit's Stanley Cup Victory! GO RED WINGS!
*Cut to, Arrowhead Pond Parking lot, postgame celebration*
UNKNOWN SOLDIER: Execute? The Ducks? I don't think so.
* Unknown Soldier jumps into a White 2002 Ford Mustang and heads up the 57 freeway towards Disneyland, hefting what appears to be a boat oar.*
Disneyland, Anaheim California
GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 94757: KILL ALL HUMANS!
GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 48265: KILL ALL HUMANS!
GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 39011: KILL ALL YEAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!
*#39011 is decapitated*
GRS 94757: What was AGGGGHHHHGHGH
*#94757 is skewered*
GRS 48265: Who.... who are you! You're too tall to be a gnome!
DARTH FANBOY: Just call me..the Gnome hunter.
GRS 48265: I'll call you dead! GAAAAHHH
*#48265 is slashed in half*
FANBOY: You're lucky, you survived long enough to see the face of your killer.
*Suddenly a spout of flame erupts from the teacups ride as a small squad of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers charge Fanboy's position. He hefts the boat oar high above his head and swings it downward, lifting two figners to his forehead. Suddenly, he thrusts the fingers forward and fires a burst of mental energy, a mind bullet! killing several gnomes*
FANBOY: That's Telekenisis Gnomes, now how bout the power...to move you.
*Fanboy begins twirling the Boat oar in a 360 degress rotations, a gale force wind pushes the remainging gnomes into a nearby wall, where they splatter into a pile of blood guts and jelly. however ont he other side of the park.*
GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 29952: General sir, Disneyland is ours! Except...
MiTh: "Except?" #29952 it sounds like you are about to say something most displeasing to me.
GRS 29952: There seems to be a human warrior fending off our occupation forces, forgive me for saying this sir but, we're being overwhelmed! We're sending in soldiers squads at a time and we've started tripping over the bodies!
MiTh: You don't understand, YOU ARE EXPENDABLE! Our Master can create more of you at will! You either Serve SEGNOR or die in the process!
GRS 29952: Well fuck that!
*#29952 is incinerated by MiTh's Heat Vision*
MiTh: All forces, overwhelm the human warrior! HAIL SEGNOR!
*Fanboy fires another mindbullet, sending gnomes flying in all directions. however they are coming in large overwhelming suicidal waves.*
Fanboy: Damn! They just keep coming, Let's think strategy.... Hmm I have'nt tried that technique for awhile.
*Fanboy ceases the mind bullet attack and refocuses his mental energy. He levitates himself above the fray as a hundred angry midgets with swords overrun where he once stood*
Fanboy: Damn this is tough, all right whats next.
GIRLS VOICE: HAAAAAAAAAALLLLP!
Fanboy: Say Wha?
GIRLS VOICE: I SAID "HELP"bNUMBNUTS!
Fanboy: Shit, all right, where is she....Oh crap.
*Fanboy spots a woman fleeing a group of Gnomes towards the enchanted castle. Using his strength he hovers over and fires a mind bullet behind her, the explosion cleared enough ground for him to land as he ran toward her*
Fanboy: It's a good thing you're cute, its dangerous around here you know and I was just about to take off.
Girl: It's a good thing you're cute, otherwise i'd kick you in the manbags until you sounded like that damned cartoon mouse.
Fanboy: My kind of girl, you got a name?
Zaia: Just check the lines in the script, i'm going to start running now.
Fanboy: do what now? Oh...
*Fanboy and Zaia sprint off as MiTh's heat vision streaks towards them, somehow causing a lot of explosions all over the place.*
MiTH: KILL ALL HUMANS!
Fanboy: This asshole's mine, stay back.
Zaia: Are you crazy?
Fanboy: No maam, I'm a hockey fan, and nobody takes the Cup from Anaheim unless its in a best of seven series.
MiTh: Foolish Human! how do you expect to beat me?
Fanboy: With this (hefts boat oar)
MiTh: A wooden Oar? HAHAHAHHAHAHA (Shoot Heat Vision at oar, beams have no effect.) What in the hell?
Fanboy: Its made of Morning Wood, the strongest substance in existance.
*Zaia Blushes, MiTh draws a sword*
Fanboy: Come get some bitch.
MiTh: Bitch? Oh that's it now you've pissed me off!
*MiTh Charges Fanboy, who sticks his hand out and pushes on MiTh's head. Mith desperately tries to throw punches and swing his sword but Fanboy's arm keeps him at bay. Fanboy begins laughing his ass off until he looks up and sees about ten thousand angry gnomes charing towards the battleground. Fanboy pushes MiTh back slightly then with a flash of speed he swings the oar like a baseball bat, sending MiTh into the Gnomish front line*
Fanboy: Hey Zaia, you got any miracles in your purse?
Zaia: No but I do have a flute.
Fanboy: What in the hell is a flute going to do?
Zaia: Just cover your ears, this is going to be messy.
Fanboy: Whatever you say (plugs ears)
*Zaia stuffs some cotton in her ears and proceeds to play the flute, as the gnomes come chargin in Zaia hits a high note, the brown note. Every member in the gnome army subsequently shits his pants*
MiTh: Agggh! This is most humilating, oh god and I had Chili, Oh it burns IT BURNS!!!!
Fanboy: AhahaHahaa now that's funny.
Zaia: YEah, it's great but That just buys us some time, you think you can fly us both out of here?
Fanboy: That depends, How much do you weigh?
Zaia: What? You asshole!
Fanboy: Okay that came out wrong, but I can only use my techniques for so long before I gotta rest, we might be able to make it to my car but...
*Suddenly a large Explosion engulfs the Gnomish army Several black helicopters firing rockets can be spotted entering the scene. From behind the gnomes another large explosion goes off, possibly unecessary but very entertaining to the causal observer.*
MiTH: A Mage Counterattack? Here! Damned we aren't prepared for this! ALL GNOME FORCES RETREAT!!!!!!
*Gnomish forces retreat to the pit opened up near the "Its a Small World" ride and reteat to the inner depth of the Earth. A different black helicopter, a Transport chopper with several robed figures on it yells out to fanboy*
BLACK MAGE ????: HURRY! GET TO THE CHOPPER!
Fanboy: Governor Arnold?
Zaia: Shut up and get in.
Fanboy: But What about my car?
Zaia: Anaheim has just been invaded by Dwarves...
Fanboy: Gnomes.
Zaia: gnomes, and all you care about is your car?
Fanboy: My insurance doesn't cover this shit!
BLACK MAGE ????: We've got Stanley Cup tickets back at the base...
Fanboy: Sold!
Zaia: (This is the most retarded vacation ever, if he starts chanting)
Fanboy: LETS GO DUCKS! LETS GO DUCKS!
Zaia: (.......)
The Lair of Darth Garden Gnome, shortly afterwards
DGG: Grand Vizier! Where is my Stanley Cup!
Rogue Ice: Oh Gnoish one, It pains me to tell you that your General bungled the task, and that the Stanley Cup is still in the hands of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, and unless someone beats them in the Cup Finals, its going to stay there.
DGG: You Failed me AGAIN! Even with thousands of Gnomish Disposable Warriors you couldn't defeat the humans?
Rogue Ice: Its not entirely our fault sir, we were counterattacked by the Black Mages during the battle of Disneyland.
DGG: MAGES! If I ever hear of those insuffereable robed freaks again I will...I will...
Rogue Ice: (Oh hell, he'd better not...)
*Darth Garden Gnome begins to grunt and a vien pops out of his forehead, a large bulge moves through his slimy body and through his tail until it emerges. It is a Gnome Super Soldier. Rogue Ice Vomits*
DGG: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! THIS GNOME SUPER SOLDIER WILL DESTROY THE BLACK MAGES!!!! ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED
