Joke Thread

[SyntaxVorlon]

This I hope, will be a unified joke thread where you can go if you need a quick pick me up.
So just start telling jokes and maybe we'll get a sticky for this.
To start if off:
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
(Stolen from Buzzle.com)

[El Moose Monstero]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he
says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants
to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog
says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it
is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has
anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and
produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright
pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager
and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There
is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you
and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"






The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

[2000AD]

snip

There's a more racist version of that joke which i wont repeat here. Also it would need some explaining as some are english stereotypes

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

How many blondes does it take to install a light bulb?

5. One to hold the light bulb, and 4 to turn the ladder.

How many blondes does it take to paint a house?

13,000. 1 to hold the brush, and 12,999 to move the house around.

[darthdavid]

[To the tune of: "If You're Happy And You Know It
Clap Your Hands"]

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to *beep* with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

--------

100 ways to order a pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

--------

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
Name:___________________
Stage name: ____________________
Agent:__________________
Attorney:_______________________
Sex:
___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:_______________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the
news in a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?:
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit settlement

--------
Politics Explained by Cows

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your Lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Militarianism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Hong Kong Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly –listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Feminism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of a non-specified gender.

Freudism: You have two cows. One represents your mother, and the other represents the woman you think you love, but is really just an extension of your mother. You milk them both and feel guilty.

Counter Culture: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

[darthdavid]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLES: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would
let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the Road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced
with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
rethinking its physical Distribution strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped
the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in
support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in
the transportation industry to Engage in a two-day itinerary of
meetings in order to leverage their Personal knowledge capital, both
tacit and explicit, and to enable them to Synergize with each other in
order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting
was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built
upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with
the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive
towards the creation of a total business integration solution Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The
chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him
down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, The
chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
Beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations
with the chicken.

[darthdavid]

Well, there, all the jokes i could find in my documents posted. What a weight off my back.

[EmperorMing]

When hell freezes over...These twenty major events have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series Championship:

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.

6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of several major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown (best batting average, most home runs and most RBI's); several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.

[XaLEv]

Mary stepped before Jeffery and declared: "There's a reason why I've been acting funny lately."

"Funny?" asked Jeffery, as he limped closer to where Mary sat.

"Yes," said Mary, "you know...leaving the house at all hours, not being available, acting strangely. There's a reason for that."

"Which would be?" asked Jeffery.

"That I took a second job," said Mary, "in order to pay for this."

From out of a lovely suede purse, Mary pulled forth an ivory comb. It was the fanciest comb Jeffery had ever seen. And yet...

"A comb?" asked Jeffery. "But I don't have any hair. On account of the radiation. For the leg cancer."

"I know," said Mary, "which is why I sold all of my own combs. To pay for this."

With that, Mary pulled out a large wig: "Here's a wig. For your bald head. You can use the comb on it."

"This is ironic!" exclaimed Jeffery. "For I just sold all of the hair that I lost during the radiation treatments to pay for this..."

Jeffery removed a pair of diamond earrings from out of a velvet case.

"But I have no earlobes," said Mary, somewhat sadly. "On account of that car crash last year."

"And this wig looks ridiculous on me," said Jeffery, before a mirror. "We both truly fucked up."

Jeffery and Mary contemplated what had just happened.

--------------------------------

It was a few months later and Mary stepped before Jeffery to declare: "There's a reason why I've been acting funny lately."

"Again?" asked Jeffery, as he positioned his wheelchair closer to where Mary sat. "Why now?"

"I took on a third job," said Mary. "In order to pay for this."

Mary pulled from out of a paper bag a handful of...what was it? Jeffery was not quite sure.

"What is that?" asked Jeffery, touching the space where his legs used to be, lo so many months before. "It's bizarre looking."

"Fake feet," said Mary. "To be attached to your legs."

"But I have no legs," said Jeffery, standing before a mirror. "On account of that cancer."

"Woops," said Mary.

"And these feet are made out of cheese," said Jeffery.

"The job doesn't pay much," said Mary, sitting down. "My bad."

Again, Jeffery and Mary contemplated what had just happened.

This time longer.

[SyntaxVorlon]

I don't know what happened there.

More from buzzle:
Seven things to do when your ISP goes down.

1. Dial 911 Immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

[SyntaxVorlon]

Oh and another, from Buzzle:
Microsoft v. Borg

"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

"Captain, We have successfully installed 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to zero!"

"Data, what does your scanners show?"

"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

"Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us ?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

"Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

"I don't believe those are humans sir. If you look more closely, I believe you will see they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

"Lawyers!!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but appearently some must have survived."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."

"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

[Zaia]

Knock, knock

--Who's there?

Interrupting cow!

--Interrupting c--

Mooooo!!!

[EmperorMing]

Doctor Dan had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dan, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering..............

"Dan, you're a vet..."

[Hethrir]

A byte walked into a bar, and the bar tender asked what he will have.

The byte replied, "I'm not sure - i don't feel so well. I may have a parity error."

The bartender said, "yeah, you do look a bit off"

ba boom, ching!

---------------------------------

four fonts walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Go on! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"

----------------------------------

A pirate walked into a bar with a giant steering wheel down the front of his pants, and the bartender said, "Do you know you have a giant steering wheel down the front of your pants?"

The pirate replied, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

-----------------------------------

A pirate and a giraffe walked into a bar and they both ordered a shot of rum. The giraffe passed out, and the pirate slammed down his glass and said, "Arrrr! 'Tis fine rum!" then proceeded to walk out.

The bartender pointed and said, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The pirate said, "Arrr! 'Tis a giraffe, not a lion!"

[haas mark]

A couple of blonde jokes from me..

------

A brunette is walking down the street saying, "21... 21... 21..." Soon, she approaches a blonde still saying, "21... 21... 21..." The blonde asks her as she nears, "What are you doing."

"21... 21... 21..."

"Hey, that looks like fun, can I do it, too?"

"21... 21... 21..."

"Okay, I'll do it with you!" So they walk down the street together saying, "21... 21... 21..." Soon, they come to an intersection, at which point the brunette stops. The blonde keeps going across, saying, "21... 21... 21..." A semi comes and hits her.

The brunette crosses the street, saying, "22... 22... 22..."

-----

There's a carnival with a magic mirror. You tell the mirror what you think about yourself. If it's true, you stay. If it's not, you go POOF!

A brunette walks into the tent where the mirror is, and tells it, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth!" POOF! She's gone.

A redhead walks into the tent after her, and tells the mirror, "I think I'm the smartest woman on the face of the earth!" POOF! She's gone.

A blonde follows, and says to the mirror, "I think--" POOF!

-----

~ver

[jodathalas]

How do you castrate a redneck?



Kick his sister in the jaw.




Lymrick:

There once was a man from Kanass,
He had balls that were made of brass,
In stormy weather he'd clank them together,
And lightning shot out of his ass.

[Zac Naloen]

SHOCKING NEWS: THIS JUST IN...
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded victims. For the male support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

What's the difference between a blonde in her late 20s and a redhead in her late 20's?

If a redhead is in her late 20s and in a class of high schoolers, she's probably teaching. If a blonde is in her late 20s and in a class of high schoolers, she's probably still in high school.

[Shortie]

A man is quietly sitting at the corner of the bar.
The bartender senses something is wrong, and asks the younger man what it is.
The younger man replies "I'm going to die before tomorrow morning."
Bartender asks why, and the young man says he found a note under his windshield wiper that simply read:
I know you’re sleeping with my wife, apologize to me before tomorrow morning and all is forgiven. If you don't, I'll kill you.
The bartender then replies, "Well just apologize"
But the younger man simply says "That’s just it, I don't know who wrote the note"

[HemlockGrey]

Two penguins are sitting on an iceflow. One says, "Hey, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other penguin says, "How do you I'm not?"

[YT300000]

Oh and another, from Buzzle:
Microsoft v. Borg

An extended version of the one I know. Excellent.