Gnome Hunter Seven The Second: Ballad of the Anti Hero
Black Mage Castle
Kuja: they're coming in the main gate to the east! Fire spells are holding them back but i'm going to need support!
*The black mages scramble to the open gate. Innerbrat and Alyrium Denryle are cut off by a second explosion on a higher deck*
Denryle: Shit! They're up here? Great looks like we'll have to make another stand here.
*Cue Feuer Frei by Rammstein*
*Innerbrat is attacked and has a shotgun kicked from her hands, not hesitating she reaches behind her back and unhilts a different weapon. *
Denryle: (casts a bolt spell, flash frying a pair of gnomish intruders) What is that?
Innerbrat: Heheh, a nifty weapon I fashioned in Utah. The Handle is a Femur, very Lightweight but sturdy, and the claw on the end, well, you'll see.
*Innerbrat Took her Raptor's Wrath weapon and swung it upwards, the claw going up through the fleshy underside of a Gnomish Jaw , the shapr end continued upward through the upper jaw and finally ended in the Gnomes soft fleshy brain. She pulled the Raptor Claw back out through the Gnomes Face, splitting it in two and spilling out the contents of the Gnomes little head. The other gnomes were taken back by the spectacle and were subsequently turned into cinders by a Denryle Fire spell*
Innerbrat: Nice, lets see how many more of these guys we can kill before going out in a blaze of bloody glory! FOR QUEEN AND SHAGGING COUNTRY! PISS OFF GNOMES!
Alyrium Denryle: I don't know what they put in the water in Jolly old England but I don't plan on being killed off so easily. We're exactly one floor above an items storage Depot, mostly supprt items, but Im guessing Either Cyran or Kuja has a small weapons cache down there.
Innerbrat: You think?
Alyrium Denryle: Those two have been trying to kill each other since they got here, you can't go in any room of this castle without there being some sort of kinfe, gun, or syringe full of some wretched infection.
Innerbrat: Blimey. Awirght, then blast a hole in the floor while I play the role of the Gnome Slayer.
*Main Gate*
Duchess of Zeon:(In between bursts of AK 47 fire) Damnit where's Innerbrat and that cloaked guy!
Jmac: I just got word from Innerbrat via Woman's Intuition, they're dealing with an opening on the upper decks.
Cyran: Damned, (tosses grenade) Gnomes are pouring in! Fanboy and Zaia must have gotten smoked!
Nitram: Nah, you notice how the gnomes are only coming from the east, They must be up to their assholes in gnomes. (beigns firing from an M-16 behind a foritification of sandbags.)
*Tevar flanks a group of gnomes with an oversized sledgehammer, hitting one gnome so hard that it propelled fragments of skull like a flak burst att another gnome, shredding his face and leaving him vulnerable to an attack by Kuja, who had begun tossing Razor edge boomerangs.*
Kuja: Cyran! These Razor tipped boomerangs work awesome!
Cyran: That's not even the best part!
Nitram: Kuja you idiot! When you throw a boomerang it comes right back at you!
*Kuja looks ahead and is faced with the same razor boomerangs he had just thrown, he ducks in time, but his hat is shredded to bits.*
Cyran: Nitram you fucker!
Kuja: Damnit Cyran! You will die later, make no mistake about that!
*back on the upperdecks, Minister Denryle had just finished blasting a hole into the supply room, Innerbrat had just fined a lteral swing of the Raptor's Wrath with caught a gnome right in the forefront of his beer belly, the claw tore through the fresh, spilling intestines to the floor in a warm pile of organs, the gnome keeled over and died but not before firing a stream of arrows at Alyrium Denryle, who deflected them with a protect spell.*
Denryle: Damned! Nothing down here but status effect items and...oh whats this?
Innerbrat: Hurry it up will you! I can't do this all day!
Minister Denryle: Just pretend the Gnomes are French for a little while while I set this bad boy up.
Innerbrat: Cursed frogs! Hurry it up you damn mage!
*Innerbrat swings the Raptor's Wrath downwards, piercing the top of a gnomes skull, crackign through the cranium and causing a splash of grey matter. The blank expression on the Gnomes face locked for eternity as his life functions ceased.
Meanwhile, the black Mages were concentrating fire spells like crazy in an attempt to keep the Gnomes from entering the castle further, piles of ashes had begun to accumulate but as the Mage's magic points dropped to the single digits the Gnomes still were unrelenting in their attack.
Outside, Darth Fanboy was continuing the outside ass kicking*
Fanboy: Hah! Caught his skill under the front tire five points! How many left?
Zaia: Northwestern Quadrants cleared, Gnomes are retreating in the Southwest.
Fanboy: Eastern Forces?
Zaia: They've entered the castle, We need to head back...
Fanboy: And whats the status of that bug up your ass?
Zaia: Readings indicate...hey wait a second, you asshole!
Fanboy: Hey lighten up! You're starting to get all serious on me.
Zaia: this is a war for the fate of humankind and the entire planet itself! Why shouldn't I be serious?!?!
Fanboy: Because you've got a charming, incredibly handsome, brilliant...
Zaia: Egotistical.
Fanboy: ...that too, dashing, very sexy superhero driving you around in a fantastic super car right now. You're lucky, not many women get this close to me without violating a restraining order.
Zaia: Keep on dreaming, I dont care how intelligent, strong, brave...
Fanboy: Attractive.
Zaia: ...that too, mysterious, or how powerful you are for that matter. The fact is I dont see how can even fit in this car due to your massive...
Fanboy: Well it is cold outside, but trust me in warmer climates I dont know how my pants can even contain my huge...
Zaia: IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT! I meant your EGO!
Fanboy: Oh, that. Well Its not so much ego as it is that i'm confident that the next time I see you naked it will be...
Zaia: WHAT?!?!?!?
Fanboy: Sheesh, im just kidding Z (note to self, bribe Kuja for more videotapes). Alright we're heading back to Mage Castle.
*Mage Castle*
Black Mage cyran: (draws a pair of Uzis and cuts to the front of the defensive stand) Awright Bitches! This is how we used to do it back in the hood.
Duchess: You never lived in the hood! You just wear a hood!
Cyran: Same Difference
*Cyran holds down the trigger on the Uzis the bullets commence to shred the gnomes and the sounds of tearing lettuce can be heard through the hallway as the bullets rip through Gnomish hide*
Kuja: good News, Fanboy and Zaia have wiped out the Western front and they'll be joining us shortly.
Denryle:(over intercom) Mages! Innerbrat and I are on the way, what's your status?
Nitram: Taking heavy fire, we're low on ammo, Same as usual.
Denryle: Well good news, I found the crate where Cyran was hiding the Ultima Weapon!
Cyran: (fires a spray of bullets at some advancing gnomes) Hey! Ask him wehre he found it! I need it for something (eyes Kuja, who has just threw a trio of knives into a Gnomes forehead.)
Denryle: The Tenth level Supply Closet, you have got to keep better track fo the rare items or you're getting demoted and transferred over to the Brotherhood of the Monkey. They'll have you mopping the video booths in no time.
Cyran: Gah!
*Innerbrat and Alyrium Denryle begin chargin down levels with the Ultima Weapon a legendary mage weapon, one of the most devastating in existence, Fanboy and Zaia were barreling through the snow and ice towards the castle*
Zaia: Son of a bitch! Slow down we'll be killed!
Fanboy: I can't slow down!
Zaia: Why! What's the matter?
Fanboy: Its a stickshift, I have to keep both hands on the wheel though, you need to manually shift us into lower gear as soon as I start braking.
Zaia: Okay....wait...Oh...hey im not that stupid this is an automatic.
Fanboy: Well would you have been more offended if I asked you for a sensual crotch rub right up front?
(Zaia punches Fanboy in Jaw, Fanboy loses control of the car, which begins to spin out, Fanoby, despite the pain hits the garage door button and parks the car within black Mage castle.)
Fanboy: Were here Miss Daisy.
Zaia: Next time you feel disgusting, try it on Innerbrat or Duchess.
Fanboy: Why? Are they more gullible than you are?
Zaia: No but they will kill you with less hesitation.
Fanboy: And I thought the weather outside was cold! Anyways, you run along, I just parked here to drop you off.
Zaia: What? You're going back out there?
Fanboy: I've got my car now, I don't need the mages to give me rides anymore, i'm gone. (opens garage door again and takes off.
Zaia: Fine we don't need you! Go bother some other person with your gutterbrain!
*Fanboy takes off into the cold, Zaia, fighting back rage dashes off towards the battle inside the castle. Where things are getting worse*
Tevar: What do you mean you cant use the Ultima Weapon?
Denryle: The Inscription says that the weilder has to have an intense personal rage, and none of us seem to have enough hatred in order to even pick it up!
Kuja: Shit shit shit! thats it, next time we buy a superweapon, lets make sure to get one that FUCKING WORKS!
Cyran: now I remember why I put the crate there....hmmmm
Zaia:(just arrives) Where are the gnomes!
Xenophobe a.k.a Gnomish Redshirt Soldier 3691: Right Here Bwahahaha!!!!!
Lonestar: You were looking for us?
Headcrab: We Gnomish Super Soldiers! Lawn Ornament Special Forces! We WILL WIN!
Nitram: Out of ammo, out of Magic points, out of items. Great.
Zaia: You're gonna give up against THREE GNOMES? I don't care if they're Super Soldiers I dont care if they're fuckin Fanboy! (picks up Ultima Weapon)
Ultima Zaia: figHT DAMNIT!
(Zaia Hoits the Ultima Weapon in the Air and swings it at the three Gnomish Super Soldiers , emitting a powerful wave of energy which splits the three gnomes in halves, they fall to the ground in a bloody clump.)
Cyran: (wets self) Holy shit...did she just use the?
Nitram: Now ive seen everything.
Jmac: how does SHE touch herself at night? (scribbles something in notebook)
Denryle: Zaia?
Ultima Zaia: (tunrs toward group, everyone flinches save for Kuja, who begins weeping and hides behind cyran)
Kuja: Kill them! I did nothing to you! (Except put tha camera in the guest shower but it says 'Property of cyran' on it so she can't link that to me can she?)
Ultima Zaia: Fanboy has abandoned the cause, (looks at the Ultima Weapon and focuses her anger) but it seems we dont need his power anymore do we?)
Fanboy: (walks into the room) I wouldnt be so sure about that pretty lady.
Nitram: Fanboy! Where in the hell?
Fanboy: Gnome forces from the east, heavy armors beyond a ridge about to flank this postion. Enough artillery to bring this castle down. I dropped Zaia off so she could help you out here.
Ultima Zaia: You pig, (twirls Ultima Weapon) Now you're going to die.
Fanboy: *Sigh*, Women, they either love me or hate me. (hefts boat oar) But before we begin we're going to need a little more space dont you think sweetums?
Ultima Zaia: (Gets angrier) SO BE IT! (Fires an energy Blast into the deck abover, destroying a large portion on the inside of the castle.
Denryle: My beautiful castle...*sniff*...
Kuja: mages! Strategic retreat! I think the sisters should join us if these two are going to have at it.
Duchess: Might be a good idea...Kick his ass Girl!
Innerbrat: Take his nads as a trophy darling we'll be cheering for you!
Cyran: fanboy! Quit making her mad, she uses anger to make herself stronger!
Fanboy: Yeah, I know, just keep you ass out of the crossfire.
*Will the battle between Fanboy and Ultima Zaia destro the entire castle? And will they both emerge alive? Who could possibly win? And why didn't Darth Garden Gnome get any lines in the last few episodes? *
Darth Garden Gnome: Rogue Ice you fool! Did you not send the weekly author's bribe!
Rogue Ice: (wearing nice gold chainand drinking straight from a bottel of fine wine) Do what now? ohhh the Bribe money! Wait, that was Bribe money? I thought it was a bonus....oh shit....
Darth Garden Gnome: Turbo Rye! Super Mith! sieze Rogue Ice and chain him in the Chamber of ATTENTION WhORE-ORS!
Rogue Ice: NO! not that! Anything but that!
Darth Garden Gnome: Oh yes! the Evil ALTERNATE UNIVERSE version of SINGULAR QUARTET.
"And If I die before the battle's through, thell your mom, tell your dad, we were Super Rad" --the AquaBats and the END also
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
Last edited by Darth Fanboy on 2003-10-23 11:46pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
Very good, got me laughing on quite a few occasions, the razor boomerangs was a great addition, the camera in the guest shower. The mentioning of how Cyran and Kuja are always trying to kill each other. Very good chapter.
Alyrium Denryle: Those two have been trying to kill each other since they got here, you can't go in any room of this castle without there being some sort of kinfe, gun, or syringe full of some wretched infection.
Last edited by Captain Cyran on 2003-10-24 08:10pm, edited 1 time in total.
Justice League, Super-Villain Carnage "Carnage Rules!" Cult of the Kitten Mew...The Black Mage with The KnifeSD.Net Chronicler of the PastBun Bun is my hero.The Official Verilonitis Vaccinator
great news, they just released a movie poster! Its in AnP gonna shove it into the same thread as the E Cards
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
verilon wrote:You had to post this when I've been up for thirty-four hours, didn't you?
~ver
Asking me to post a chapter when you;re fully rested, is like asking me to post a chapter after a Cubs World Series game. Im not gonna hold my breath that long.
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
Very good, got me laughing on quite a few occasions, the razor boomerangs was a great addition, the camera in the guest shower. The mentioning of how Cyran and Kuja are always trying to kill each other. Very good chapter.
Hehe. Just you wait until I remember where I hid that BGH-5000. THEN you'll be impressed...right before you die...
Bast one yet. Nothing like bloody death at the hand of a deadly hockey stick/
Zaia: Next time you feel disgusting, try it on Innerbrat or Duchess.
Fanboy: Why? Are they more gullible than you are?
Zaia: No but they will kill you with less hesitation.
That's just too classic.
"I fight with love, and I laugh with rage, you gotta live light enough to see the humour and long enough to see some change" - Ani DiFranco, Pick Yer Nose
"Life 's not a song, life isn't bliss, life is just this: it's living." - Spike, Once More with Feeling
doomed victim: What I think I hear some poor kitten crying?
*Opens door in black mage castle*
DV: AIIIIIIIEEEEEEE*
*rip, shred, tear, bite claw*
<purrrrrr>
Nitram: Ok, who opened the door to the room where we keep Ultimate Evil?
The scariest folk song lyrics are "My Boy Grew up to be just like me" from cats in the cradle by Harry Chapin
wait a moment, cooking's MY GIG, bashes in Fanboy's head with cast adamantium frying pan (Now with a fricitonless surface) <fuck the eggs slid right off. when I dropped them into the pan....>
The scariest folk song lyrics are "My Boy Grew up to be just like me" from cats in the cradle by Harry Chapin
The Yosemite Bear wrote:Grrr, you had Kaja and Cyran COOKING!!!'
wait a moment, cooking's MY GIG, bashes in Fanboy's head with cast adamantium frying pan (Now with a fricitonless surface) <fuck the eggs slid right off. when I dropped them into the pan....>
If you can call microwaving Ramen "cooking".
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
s'all good, I have an invincible character shield in this thread.
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
verilon wrote:You had to post this when I've been up for thirty-four hours, didn't you?
~ver
Asking me to post a chapter when you;re fully rested, is like asking me to post a chapter after a Cubs World Series game. Im not gonna hold my breath that long.
At any rate, the beeg fight will hopefully be as good as I hope it will hopefully be. But I have a couple other tasks on my priority ist right now including the dismemberment of a Quesadilla
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
At any rate, the beeg fight will hopefully be as good as I hope it will hopefully be. But I have a couple other tasks on my priority ist right now including the dismemberment of a Quesadilla
Ok, this time make some main characters of the non-gnome side die too dammit
EBC|Fucking Metal|Artist|Androgynous Sexfiend|Gozer Kvltist|
Listen to my music! http://www.soundclick.com/nihilanth "America is, now, the most powerful and economically prosperous nation in the country." - Master of Ossus
At any rate, the beeg fight will hopefully be as good as I hope it will hopefully be. But I have a couple other tasks on my priority ist right now including the dismemberment of a Quesadilla
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
The Yosemite Bear wrote:Grrr, you had Kaja and Cyran COOKING!!!'
wait a moment, cooking's MY GIG, bashes in Fanboy's head with cast adamantium frying pan (Now with a fricitonless surface) <fuck the eggs slid right off. when I dropped them into the pan....>
If you can call microwaving Ramen "cooking".
Kuja and I didn't even cook...We just grabbed som-*Cyran gets knocked out by Kuja*
KUJA: What he meant to say is that we just grabbed some special ingredients and made the best food ever...yeah.
Justice League, Super-Villain Carnage "Carnage Rules!" Cult of the Kitten Mew...The Black Mage with The KnifeSD.Net Chronicler of the PastBun Bun is my hero.The Official Verilonitis Vaccinator
Due to personal issues I will have to take a leave of abscence from this particular storyline. while it seems rather cheap of me to get to a cruicial plot point and suddenly ive up for awhile, I can no longer write this storyline, or any of my other ones at this time.
For me writing is a byproduct of happiness, and recent events have stolen all of the joy from my heart. I can't deal with it. So Im asking and begging for forgiveness in this particular matter.
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." -George Carlin (1937-2008)
"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting." -Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.
Ph34r teh eyebrow!!11!Writers GuildSluggitePawn of ChaosWYGIWYGAINGW so now i have to put ACPATHNTDWATGODW in my sigEBC-Honorary Geordie Hammerman! Hammer!
Argh! Quick! All the ladies of SDNet give him a hug!
Get happy soon Fanboy, not just so we can keep reading this damn funny fic, but because it's not good to be unhappy. So be happy...NOW!
Justice League, Super-Villain Carnage "Carnage Rules!" Cult of the Kitten Mew...The Black Mage with The KnifeSD.Net Chronicler of the PastBun Bun is my hero.The Official Verilonitis Vaccinator
