In Shrub's head: I don't know who any of you are, but I'm yet to be shot at yet, this I take to be a good thing.Shrub wrote:: Governor General Michael Jeffery, Prime Minister John Howard, Speaker of the House Neil Andrew, President of the Senate Paul Calvert, Leader of the Opposition Simon Crean, distinguished Members of the House and Senate, Premiers, Members of the Diplomatic Corps.
In Shrub's head: Yes, I didn't see a single protestor on the way in, though there was that police baton charge into a group of smelly people. Must have been completely unrelated though.Laura and I are honoured to be in the Commonwealth of Australia. I thank the Prime Minister for his invitation. I thank the Members and Senators for convening this session of Parliament and I thank the people of Australia for their gracious welcome.
In Shrub's head: Actually I mistook this short, tubby, fuck-up of a man for Christopher Reeve in his wheel-chair.Just five months ago, your Prime Minister was a distinguished visitor to my ranch in Crawford, Texas. You might remember that I called him a "man of steel" - that's Texan for "fair dinkum".
Australian people: What the fuck is he on?Prime Minister John Howard is a leader of exceptional courage, who exemplifies the finest qualities of one of the world's great democracies. I am greatly enjoying my visit to your country. Americans know Australia as a land of independent, enterprising, good-hearted people.
In Shrub's head: And he gives me good sex.
In Johnny's head: I love you man.
Australian people: Especially when Little John goes in without consulting anyone.We see something familiar here, and something we like. Australians are fair-minded, and tolerant, and easy-going. Yet in times of trouble and danger, Australians are the first to step forward, to accept hard duties, and to fight bravely until the fighting is done.
In Johnny's head: I feel so special today *sniff sniff*
In Shrub's head: Such great great sex.
Australian people: 100 years? And by our side? In the majority of wars you just send us off to get killed! What are we, the new niggers?In a hundred years' experience, American soldiers have come to know the courage and good fellowship of the diggers at their side.
In Shrub's head: Hey, digger rhymes with that...
Australian people: You turned up late. You were going to sell us out. You were useless. And then you were even more useless. And then, surprisingly, more useless still.We were together in the battle at Hamel? together in the Coral Sea, together on New Guinea, on the Korean Peninsula, in Vietnam.
In Shrub's head: Why did my speech writer put a question mark in there?
Australian people: Ah yes, an appeal to our state of emotional trauma. Of course we didn't just jump off and invade Indonesia did we?And in the war on terror, once again, we are at each other's side. In this war, the Australian and American peoples have witnessed the methods of the enemy. We saw the scope of their hatred on September 11, 2001. We saw the depth of their cruelty on October 12th, 2002.
In Johnny's head: No, no. We did that in 1999.
In Shrub's head: Where the hell is Bali?
Australian people: Yeah, damn those city buses full of disgruntled unemployed factory workers who had their jobs cut by an American CEO of a corporation bought out by a larger American one. And most fo the fucking time its one of your own goddamn lunatics with a gun or a trailer of ANFO that does it to you!We saw destruction and grief - and we saw our duty. As free nations in peril, we must fight this enemy with all of our strength. No country can live peacefully in the world that terrorists would make for us. And no people are immune from the sudden violence that has come to an office building, or an airplane, or a nightclub, or a city bus.
In Shrub's head: Yes, yes, I'll have them eating out of my hand by the end of this speech.
In Johnny's head: Wow. My hero is actually right here, in this room...
Australian people: So why are we living at the mercy of the US, and more importantly, if terrorism is so naughty, why are we using it?Your nation and mine have known the shock, and felt the sorrow, and laid the dead to rest - and we refuse to live our lives at the mercy of murderers. The nature of the terrorist threat defines the strategy we are using to fight it.
In Shrub's head: I wanna say Axis of Evil...
Australian people: We can see one now! He's on the TV!These committed killers will not be stopped by negotiations. They will not respond to reason. The terrorists cannot be appeased - they must be found, and fought, and defeated.
In Shrub's head: Why are they looking at me funny?
Australian people: If you ever find some leaders, come and tell us. We need a new one.The terrorists hide and strike within free societies - so we are draining their funds, and disrupting their plans, and finding their leaders.
In Johnny's head: Why are they looking at me funny?
Australian people: Yes. And it only took one year, millions of dollars in bribes to various governments, several more bombings, kidnappings and atrocities and we have a nice shiny new scapegoat.The skilled work of Thai, Indonesian, and other authorities in finding and capturing the terrorist Hambali - suspected of planning the murders in Bali and other attacks - was a model of the determined campaign we are waging.
In Shrub's head: Please god, don't let them mention Saddam.
Australian people: And install an ineffectual one in a single city while the rest of the country hasn't changed a bit. Though a lot of the male populace seems to be on vacation in Cuba.The terrorists seek safe harbour to plot and to train - so we are holding the allies of terror to account. America, Australia, and other nations acted in Afghanistan to destroy the home base of Al Qaeda and rid that country of a terror regime.
Australian people: Because a lot of the males are on vacation in Cuba. Though I bet a lot of women and children miss husbands and fathers.And the Afghan people - especially Afghan women - do not miss the bullying, and beatings, and public executions at the hands of the Taliban.
In Shrub's head: They seem to have all used or lost the ones we sold them in the 80's.The terrorists hope to gain chemical, biological, or nuclear weapons - the means to match their hatred.
Australian people: Yes that grave and gathering danger to you re-election hopes.So we are confronting outlaw regimes that aid terrorists, and pursue weapons of mass destruction, and defy the demands of the world. America, Australia, and other nations acted in Iraq to remove a grave and gathering danger, instead of wishing and waiting while tragedy drew closer.
In Shrub's head: I got to say Weapons of Mass Destruction! YAY!
Australian people: Huh? We found proof? When? Where? And why didn't anyone but FoxNews tell me?Since the liberation of Iraq, we have discovered Saddam's clandestine network of biological laboratories, his design work on prohibited long-range missiles, his elaborate campaign to hide illegal weapons programs.
In Johnny's head: And its all because of me.
In Shrub's head: I am sooo getting re-elected.
In Shrub's head: Now if only we could find him.Saddam Hussein spent years frustrating UN inspections, for a simple reason - because he was violating UN demands. And in the end, rather than surrender his programs and abandon his lies, he chose defiance and his own undoing.
Australian people: Who can possibly think that the world would be better off with you in power? Surely not the dissidents and foreign nationals in prison or detainment camps being held without charge, or the thousands of Afghans and Iraqi's in shallow graves around their nations?Who can possibly think that the world would be better off with Saddam Hussein still in power? Surely not the dissidents who would be in his prisons, or end up in mass graves.
In Shrub's head: And I finally avenged my father... And impressed my mother... And greatly expanded my Oepidus complex.
Australian people: Yes, yes, by installing an American puppet regime we are greatly enhancing democracy and stability in the Middle East.Surely not the men and women who would fill Saddam's torture chambers and rape rooms. Surely not the families of the victims he murdered with poison gas. Surely not anyone who cares about human rights and democracy and stability in the Middle East.
In Shrub's head: Except when those multilateral institutions don't want to play with me.Today, Saddam's regime is gone, and none should mourn its passing. In the months leading up to our action in Iraq, Australia and America went to the United Nations. We are committed to multilateral institutions, because global threats require a global response.
Australian people: Yes, the collective economic and physical security of the United States. And that of course requires the collective will of so many more nations and people. Not that we ever benefit.We are committed to collective security. And collective security requires more than solemn discussions and sternly worded pronouncements - it requires collective will.
In Johnny's head: Collective... I like that. Mental note - use collective in upcoming speeches.
Australian people: Pity the US chose to be one the first nations to ignore those resolutions and thus condemning them to be ink on paper. And its a pity the US chose to marginalise the UN. And its a pity that the US only ever acts when its in the interests of getting re-elected or keeping oil prices down or distracting the people from ENRON.If the resolutions of the world are to be more than ink on paper, they must be enforced. If the institutions of the world are to be more than debating societies, they eventually must act. If the world promises serious consequences for the defiance of the lawless, then serious consequences must follow.
Australian people: One more free nation? Where? When? Surely he can't be talking about Iraq.Because we enforced Resolution 1441, and used force in Iraq as a last resort, there is one more free nation in the world - and all free nations are more secure. We accept our obligations with open eyes, mindful of the sacrifices that have been made, and those to come.
In Shrub's head: I'm talking about Iraq.
In Johnny's head: Oh yes, take me like that, plant that cowboy boot into my back... Yes... Yes George, Yes!
In Shrub's head: Not that I actually care or anything...The burdens fall most heavily on the men and women of our armed forces. The world has seen the bravery and skill of the Australian military. Your special operations forces were among the first units on the ground in Iraq. And in Afghanistan, the first casualty among America's allies was Australian: Special Air Service Sergeant Andrew Russell.
Australian public: He died in Afghanistan? Damn, he's good.
In Shrub's head: And it will make a great photo opportunity.This afternoon, I will lay a wreath at the Australian War Memorial, in memory of Sergeant Russell and the long line of Australians who have died in service to this Nation. And my Nation honours their service to the cause of freedom, to the cause we share.
In Johnny's head: And I'll get to see his arse when he bends down...
Australian public: Tell me he didn't just imply that the US BUILDS stability and peace in the Middle East in Asia.Members and Senators, with decisive victories behind us, we still have decisive days ahead. We cannot let up in our offensive against terror, even a bit. And we must continue to build stability and peace in the Middle East and Asia as the alternatives to hatred and fear.
In Shrub's head: Just don't mention WW2, or its aftermath, or Korea, or Vietnam, or any of the regimes the CIA or the government installed, propped up, or destroyed.
In Johnny's head: And I get to be the deputy!
In Shrub's head: Yes, self-government, by and for the people of America, I mean Afghanistan, I mean Iraq.We seek the rise of freedom and self-government in Afghanistan and Iraq for benefit of their people, as an example to their neighbours, and for the security of the world. America and Australia are helping the people of both those nations to defend themselves, to build the institutions of law and democracy, and to establish the beginnings of free enterprise.
Australian public: I hear that one of the biggest new industries in Iraq is the street vending of pornography. Such and auspicious start.
In Shrub's head: There I go.These are difficult tasks in civil societies weakened by years of tyranny. And it should surprise no one that the remnants and advocates of tyranny should fight liberty's advance. The advance of freedom will not be halted.
In Shrub's head: And going pretty wellThe terrorists and Taliban and Saddam holdouts are desperately trying to stop our progress.
In Shrub's head: After a couple more years. But by then I will have been re-elected and who cares then, I can't get a third term.They will fail.
Iraqi people: Yes, we have another new American run propaganda media outlet, but still no electricity, running water, waste disposal, working sewers or food in our cupboards. And I can't go to work because the Americans bombed it.The people of Afghanistan and Iraq measure progress every day. They are losing the habits of fear and gaining the habits of freedom. Some are sceptical about the prospects for democracy in the Middle East, and wonder if its culture can support free institutions.
In Shrub's head: Yes, so much more "political" funding from those that I sold the rebuilding contracts to.
Australian people: Except they had self-government before... And... The stupid! IT BURNS!In fact, freedom has always had sceptics. Some doubted that Japan and other Asian countries could ever adopt the ways of self-government.
Australian people: They had self-government too... DAMNIT! THE UNITED STATES WAS NOT THE WORLDS FIRST NATION!The same doubts have been heard at various times about Germans and Africans. At the time of the Magna Carta, the English were not considered the most promising recruits for democracy.
In Shrub's head: It wasn't? But there were them Injuns. They were there a long time...
Australian people: Hey, who are you callin' scruffy? The main problem with American travellers is that they are obnoxious. Not that they're scruffy. God, we probably wouldn't mind you all so much if you were just scruffy.And to be honest, sophisticated observers had serious reservations about the scruffy travellers who founded our two countries. Every milestone of liberty was considered impossible before it was achieved. In our time, we must decide our own belief: Either freedom is the privilege of an elite few, or it is the right and capacity of all humanity. By serving our ideals, we also serve our interests.
In Shrub's head: I made a funny.
In Johnny's head: Ahahahhahahaha! Scruffy! Thats great...
Australian people: Strange, I seem to recall that Israel has been trying to spread freedom and hope for about 50 years now.If the Middle East remains a place of anger, hopelessness, and incitement, this world will tend toward division, and chaos, and violence. Only the spread of freedom and hope in the Middle East, in the long term, will bring peace to that region and beyond.
Australian people: Kind of like how the US came to be so big in the 50's... Gee, can't have anyone else challenging your economy eh?And the liberation of more than 50 million Iraqis and Afghans from tyranny is progress to be proud of. Our nations must also confront the immediate threat of proliferation. We cannot allow the growing ties of trade, and the forces of globalisation, to be used for the secret transport of lethal materials.
In Shrub's head: I'm looking at you EU nations... Damn globalisation.
Australian people: Is this going where we think it is?So our two countries are joining others in the Proliferation Security Initiative. We are preparing to search planes, ships, trains, and trucks carrying suspect cargo and to seize weapons or missile shipments that raise proliferation concerns.
In Shrub's head: And now for the next big one! North Korea!
In Shrub's head: Of course I can't actually say anything bad about North Korea in case they get angry at us again. So I'll talk about Iran, they don't seem to mind being a whipping boy.Last month, Australia hosted our first maritime interdiction exercise in the Coral Sea. Australia and the United States are also keeping pressure on Iran to conform to the letter and spirit of its non-proliferation obligations.
In Shrub's head: Yes, a nice diplomatic statement that.We are working together to convince North Korea that the continued pursuit of nuclear weapons will bring only further isolation. The wrong weapons, the wrong technology, in the wrong hands, has never been so great a danger - and we are meeting that danger together.
Australian people: You want to have fun with North Korea, you go do it on your own. You fucked up once. We're not sending any more people to die in a shitty conflict.
In Shrub's head: A special responsibility because of our predecessors fucking it up so much during the Cold War.And our nations have a special responsibility throughout the Pacific to help keep the peace ... ensure the free movement of people and capital and information ... and advance the ideals of democracy and freedom.
Australian people: Terror in Taiwan! Where's Jerry Bruckheimer?America will continue to maintain a forward presence in Asia, and continue our close partnership with Australia. Today, America and Australia are working with Japan, the Philippines, Thailand, Indonesia, and Singapore, and other nations to expand trade and fight terror and keep the peace in the Taiwan Straits.
Jerry Bruckheimer: YES! Yes... Terror in Taiwan - China invades and the only hope is a small force of elite USAF pilots hiding out in B-52s on an aircraft carrier... I've gotten Dale Brown to co-write this one. So it will be even more realistic than Pearl Harbor!
Dale Brown: And then, like, we put little miniature missiles inside the miniature fighters which are deployed from a submunition of the miniature missile with is part of a submunition of the larger missile, which is fired from a stealth B-52! And the miniature missile on the miniature fighter has a kiloton yield! YEAH!
In Shrub's head: I hate you all. I bet he got given flowers by a little girl.Your country is hosting President Hu Jintao.
In Shrub's head: To bomb the shit out of them.Australia's agenda with China is the same as my country's.
Australian people: Errr... No.
Australian people: Yes, Falun Gong and democracy advocates can be damn dangerous terrorists and deserve to be rounded up and shot.We are encouraged by China's cooperation in the war against terror.
Falun Gong member: Yes, China is bad and evil. And bad. Would you like a pamphlet and a two hour lecture?
Australian people: No. *Shoots Falun Gong member*
In Shrub's head: They're just more than slightly twitchy about the whole thing too.We are working with China to ensure that the Korean peninsula is free of nuclear weapons.
In Shrub's head: Just as long as they will keep on trading with us they can nuke the shit out of Tibet for all I care.We seek a China that is stable and prosperous - a nation that respects the peace of its neighbours and secures the freedom of its own people.
In Johnny's head: He really does make me feel like a man.Security in the Asia Pacific region will always depend on the willingness of nations to take responsibility for their neighbourhood, as Australia is doing.
Australian people: *recognising look on Johnny's face* Oh dear god...
In Johnny's head: And then I'll build my very own Guantanamo Bay on it for those damn asylum seekers.Your service and your sacrifice helped to establish a new government, and a new nation, in East Timor. And working with New Zealand and other Pacific Island states, you are helping the Solomon Islands re-establish order and build a just government.
In Shrub's head: As long as all that economic opportunity is directly firmly our way.By your principled actions, Australia is leading the way to peace in Southeast Asia. Together with my country, Australia is also promoting greater economic opportunity.
In Johnny's head: What about us?
In Shrub's head: What about you?
Australian people: America is producing jobs in our nation? Whoa, thats rich! Damn rich!Our nations are now working to complete a US-Australia Free Trade Agreement that will add to the momentum of free trade throughout the Asia-Pacific region, while producing jobs in our own countries.
In Shrub's head: Well jobs in America at least. Re-election, re-election, re-election here I come!
Australian people: Just after the US had decided that Australia would make a nice base of operations now that the Phillipines was gone, and not just a good trade to make with Japan in exchange for peace and trade ties.The relationship between America and Australia is vibrant and strong. Together, we will meet the challenges and the perils of our time. In the desperate hours of the Second World War, when the Philippines were on the verge of falling and your country faced the prospect of invasion, General Douglas MacArthur addressed members of the Australian Parliament.
Australian people: He was a simple man, wasn't he.He spoke of a code that unites our two nations - the code of free people, which, he said, "embraces the things that are right, and condemns the things that are wrong."
Australian people: *vomiting*More than 60 years later, that code still guides us. We call evil by its name, and stand for the freedom that leads to peace. Our alliance is still strong. We value, more than ever, the unbroken friendship between the Australian and American peoples. My country is grateful to you, and to all the Australian people, for your clear vision and strength of heart. And I thank you for your hospitality here today.
In Shrub's head: Shit! I haven't mentioned God yet!
May God bless you all.
Australian people: *continued vomiting*
In Johnny's head: That was beautiful man. *sniff sniff* Wanna come back to my office and get dirty?
