So you want to visit Britain

Raxmei · Post by **Raxmei** » 2003-10-27 01:25pm

Jo's Completely Factual and Not At All Juvenile Guide for Americans Visiting Britain

In case you ever wanted to go.

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-10-27 01:36pm

It's amazing how accurate that is.

Gil Hamilton · Post by **Gil Hamilton** » 2003-10-27 01:52pm

Heh, I hope that my fellow Americans aren't that gullible.

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2003-10-27 01:53pm

seems about right to me....

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-10-27 01:55pm

Pay what you think is fair?

So a shilling for prime rib and wine because I don't believe in paying a quid more for quality meals!

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-10-27 02:16pm

bwahahahaha

as someone who is quite familiar with how you brits talk and act, i have to say that this is great. especially because of the truth inherent in it.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2003-10-27 02:39pm

He forgot to add the paragraph about how the Irish peace process has moced on so far you can run arround London wearing a Ireland football shirt and singing "the Soldier Song" as loud as you can, and you simply recieve what is affectionatly knowing as a "Glasgow Kiss" which is a term of much endearment and affection.

Gil Hamilton · Post by **Gil Hamilton** » 2003-10-27 02:39pm

kojikun wrote:bwahahahaha

as someone who is quite familiar with how you brits talk and act, i have to say that this is great. especially because of the truth inherent in it.

The part about the two/three hour "wank" in the middle of the day, right?

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2003-10-27 02:42pm

If you guys say so.....

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-10-27 02:43pm

Wait.. isn't wanking off masturbating.. ?? Sorry, not too familiar with UK lingo.. so I can't tell if this is a parody or whatnot.

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2003-10-27 02:59pm

Parody

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2003-10-27 03:02pm

Trytostaydead wrote:Wait.. isn't wanking off masturbating.. ?? Sorry, not too familiar with UK lingo.. so I can't tell if this is a parody or whatnot.

i dunno... i kinda like my mid day wank.. keeps me occupied during the lunch break.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-10-27 03:12pm

Buwahahahahaha, explaining you were having a wank to make everyone understand and forgive you! Ahahaha. -=[ACE]=-

LOL:

. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Copyright ©1996, 1997 Jo Miller,

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-10-27 03:44pm

Wait, is the midday wank supposed to be a real siesta? I thought it was jerking off. guess I really DONT have a daily midday wank then..

Zoink · Post by **Zoink** » 2003-10-27 04:10pm

That's too funny

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-10-27 04:14pm

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Sage advice, there. Sage advice.

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-10-27 04:21pm

Hey, will one of you Redcoats please explain the actual meanings of the lingos and terminology used?

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-10-27 04:29pm

The one part I didn't understand was the "Shin Fane" bit. What did I miss?

Zoink · Post by **Zoink** » 2003-10-27 04:36pm

I believe:

quid = pound
tosser = idiot
wank = spank your monkey, choke the chicken, etc
cottaging = soliciting sex
BSE Beef = mad cow disease
prams = baby carriage
lorries = tractor trailer
shin fane: political arm of the IRA

and I think:
gappe = a fictional bird that tube tube announcers tell you to watch out for

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2003-10-27 04:42pm

tosser = idiot

when i was twelve a tosser was someone who had sex, to toss something was to have sex with it.

But then i was twelve. I don't really see how it can be an insult in that context anymore...

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-10-27 04:48pm

Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies."

Goolies=testicles

"Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

quid is a pound, shilling (bob) is a twentieth of a pound - 5p

Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched.

wellies= Wellington Boots (umm - goulashes?)
tosser = a jerk.

The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Lads are homophobes. (stereotype)

Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe,

Bullshit

the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.

wank = masturbate

Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

We're really really not a tactile people.
And don't deface our books.

One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

cottaging = cruising for a man to have dirty buttsex in the loos
urinal = a compliacted piec of equipment that men need to pee.
crisco = a lubricant used for dirty buttsex in the loos

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less.
BSE = mad cow disease. Europe gave us stick about it and we don't appreciate jokes about it from foreign types.

If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
Not sure...

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Obviously BS

Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
taxi drivers and bus drivers are tossers (see above). The former like to be tipped.

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew.
Kew is in SW London.
The British Library is not in Kew.

(Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
pram = cot on wheels
lorry = truck
off-license = shop specialising in booze
MP = Member of Parliament, or 'berk'

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
These are buskers. They're highly volatile and prone to socialist hissy fits

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
Bullshit clearly.

(If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
Subway = sandwich shop

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
Shin Fein = political wing of the IRA

Bollocks to your mum!

And bollocks to yours too!

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-10-27 04:50pm

Sinn Fein(phonetically shin fane) is the political wing of the IRA.

Tosser is equivalent to wanker. At least round here it is. Like someone might say they toss off to porn.

Cottaging is not soliciting sex. Cottaging is when gay men have sex in public toilets. Often, they have holes in doors to see if the guy inside is wanking and they go and join in if he is. Alternatively, they can stick their cock through the hole and have it sucked or wanked off by the guy inside.

Hey, will one of you Redcoats please explain the actual meanings of the lingos and terminology used?

Don't work at Butlins, so no.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-10-27 04:51pm

Zac Naloen wrote:
tosser = idiot
when i was twelve a tosser was someone who had sex, to toss something was to have sex with it.

But then i was twelve. I don't really see how it can be an insult in that context anymore...

tosser is one who masturbates, (a wanker)
To toss oneself off is, well, to wank.

El Moose Monstero · Post by **El Moose Monstero** » 2003-10-27 04:55pm

*makes notes* Dammit, I've been living in the dark for so long...

Still, I now have my American roommate saying Bloody Hell, and he is now well acquainted with the word tosser...

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2003-10-27 04:58pm

*makes notes* Dammit, I've been living in the dark for so long...

Still, I now have my American roommate saying Bloody Hell, and he is now well acquainted with the word tosser...

does it sound as funny as when the australians say it?