How Stravo Got His Groove Back

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-10-28 02:12pm

I damn near broke my leg while writing this chapter, so you'd better appreciate it!

INTERLUDE 3: The Hunk of Man Meat Awards!

*open up of a stage full of various...men...wearing anything from mystic robes to stormtrooper armor. THE KERNAL and CRAZEDWRAITH face the camera*

KERNAL: Welcome back, folks! It's time to decide who walks away as the Hunkiest Guy of SD.Net!

CRAZEDWRAITH: Couldn't have said it better myself, Kernal! There were lots of worthy contestants, but only one can walk away with the golden crown!

*a hottie in a tight black dress walks out, carrying a velvet pillow with a small gold crown on it*

KERNAL: so, who will receive the much-wanted crown? Will it be "El Diablo" Verilon? Will it be Durandal the Butch? Mad, the mad? Or will it be the biggest hunk of meat of all, Rob Smash?

CRAZEDWRAITH: We'll find out, after this!

*AUDIENCE cheers. Crossfade to a Borg Cube*

BORG: We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your-

*the cube explodes brilliantly. A high-wired ANNOUNCER steps in*

ANNOUNCER: When you decide you just can't deal with the village idiots anymore, use Gridfire! Armor bows before it! Shields are useless against it! It just CANNOT BE STOPPED!

*he holds up a miniature GSV*

ANNOUNCER: Everything's better...with GRIDFIRE!

*crossfade*

KERNAL: Wow, that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling...

CRAZEDWRAITH: And we're back at the Hunt of Man Meat Contest! Now, the presentation of the crown!

KERNAL: The envelope, please!

*BEOWULF runs out with an envelope in hand and gives it to THE KERNAL. The CONTESTANTS lean forward, a hungry look in their eyes*

KERNAL: Thank you. And the winner is...

*he tears open the envelope*

KERNAL: VERILON!

*the AUDIENCE cheers. The other CONTESTANTS are gape-mouthed. VERILON does cartwheels*

VERILON: WOOHOO! I WON! THIS IS AWESOME!

*the hottie hands over the crown. DURANDAL loses it*

DURANDAL: Dammit, I paid the judges two hundred each for that crown! It belongs to me!

*VERILON clutches his prized crown*

VERILON: No way! I chea-er, won it fair and square!

FANBOY: Well, I think I'm more handsome than you, so hand it over!

VERILON: No!

DALTON: Rob Smash!

COLONEL OLRIK: I order you to give me that crown!

CRAZEDWRAITH: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEE!

*all the CONTESTANTS pull out a weapon. The AUDIENCE roars. THE KERNAL and CRAZEDWRAITH retreat to a character-shielded announcer's box*

KERNAL: And we're off, folks! Verilon's making a break for it-no! He's down from a spell courtesy the Harry Potter-on-acid candidate, Mitth'raw'nuruodo!

MITT: My crown!

*he gets clotheslined by MAD*

MAD: I've earned this crown, kid! Stay outta my way!

*SPYDA runs by and snatches it*

SPYDA: ZEE CROWN EST MIEN!

*he runs right into DALTON'S choke-slam*

DALTON: I'll take that!

*AERIUS slides by and grabs the crown*

AERIUS: Hahaha! Mine now!

*he scampers up onto the scaffolding for the stage lights*

AERIUS: Try and reach me now!

*DARTH UTSANOMIKO whips out a rocket launcher*

UTSANOMIKO: Dodge this.

*AERIUS whimpers*

AERIUS: But...I touch myself at night!

*a rocket blows him into bloody chunks. The AUDIENCE roars. The crown goes whirling*

CRAZEDWRAITH: Who's gonna get it? Who?

*CYRAN and KUJA dive for it, but slam into each other*

BOTH: ASSHOLE! THUNDER!

*they shock each other into unconsciousness*

RYE: I've got it!

*he runs into STRAVO and falls backward*

STRAVO: No you don't.

DALTON: Give it up!

*STRAVO places the crown on his head*

STRAVO: Come and take it!

*DALTON stomps and charges. Some joker plays a Godzilla roar over the speakers*

STRAVO: Come on!

*RYE stands up, disoriented*

RYE: Ow, my head...

*he gets squashed between DALTON and STRAVO*

KERNAL: Ouch! That can't be pleasant!

CRAZEDWRAITH: An experience he'll be sure to wish he'd never experienced, indeed!

*as DALTON pushes STRAVO across the stage, STARSHIPTITANIC hangs down from the curtains and grabs the crown*

TITANIC: I got it! I got it! I'm the winner! I'm...falling!

*he plummets to the stage and is engulfed in fighting CONTESTANTS*

CRAZEDWRAITH: Well folks, that's all the time we have here! We now return you to your regular boring lives!

KERNAL: This contest was brought to you by Gridfire! Remember kids, everything's better...with Gridfire!

*CGI Gridfire explosion as the screen fades to black*

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-10-28 02:30pm

Hahahah, nice. Poor wittle Aewius.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-10-28 02:41pm

Talk about clash of the titans, me and robbie would be like Zangief and the Hawain guy from the Streetfighter movie.

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-10-28 02:42pm

Stravo wrote:Talk about clash of the titans, me and robbie would be like Zangief and the Hawain guy from the Streetfighter movie.

Yes, that's what I had in mind.

Jason von Evil · Post by **Jason von Evil** » 2003-10-28 02:48pm

*changes underwear* Probably the funniest chapter yet.

Edit: We need to have a female version of the contest.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-10-28 06:00pm

lol, good chapter there Kuja. However, coming in 4th in that competition I should have had more time in that...oh well. Awesome chapter none the less.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-10-28 06:03pm

Captain_Cyran wrote:lol, good chapter there Kuja. However, coming in 4th in that competition I should have had more time in that...oh well. Awesome chapter none the less.

YOU are complaining about too little time in the fic?! YOU, of all people?!!!!

Puh-leeeeeez, Mr. Main Character.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-10-28 06:04pm

Zaia wrote:
Captain_Cyran wrote:lol, good chapter there Kuja. However, coming in 4th in that competition I should have had more time in that...oh well. Awesome chapter none the less.
YOU are complaining about too little time in the fic?! YOU, of all people?!!!!

Puh-leeeeeez.

*smiles* Yeah, I mean I'm NEVER mentioned in the fic.

Ok, in all seriousness I see your point.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-10-28 06:05pm

*smiles contritely and folds hands in lap* Why thank you.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-10-28 07:32pm

Kuja wrote:BORG: We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your-

*the cube explodes brilliantly. A high-wired ANNOUNCER steps in*

ANNOUNCER: When you decide you just can't deal with the village idiots anymore, use Gridfire! Armor bows before it! Shields are useless against it! It just CANNOT BE STOPPED!

*he holds up a miniature GSV*

ANNOUNCER: Everything's better...with GRIDFIRE!

<snip>

KERNAL: This contest was brought to you by Gridfire! Remember kids, everything's better...with Gridfire!

*CGI Gridfire explosion as the screen fades to black*

The avatar of the eccentric LAEV Obviously Compensating for Something leans back in his chair, and looks over at the avatar of the HOU Unruly Evil.

"You're responsible for htat one, aren't you?"

"And if I was?"

The avatar thinks for a moment, mostly for dramatic effect. The avatar puts all of that dramatic effect to the flame, as it shrugs, leans back further, and continues staring at the screen floating in mid-air.

"You have to admit, though," said the UE's avatar. "It was pretty good."

Post by **haas mark** » 2003-10-30 04:27am

[shakes head] THere was so not enough fang-baring in that.

:twisted: Just kidding.. good chap, though.

~ver

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2003-11-02 10:43am

*blinks*
hey i was in that chapter

go me.

Mitth`raw`nuruodo · Post by **Mitth`raw`nuruodo** » 2003-11-02 11:32am

*DARTH UTSANOMIKO whips out a rocket launcher*

UTSANOMIKO: Dodge this.

*AERIUS whimpers*

AERIUS: But...I touch myself at night!

*a rocket blows him into bloody chunks. The AUDIENCE roars. The crown goes whirling*

That was hilarious.

And my little part made me happy... I can do spells! Whee!

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-11-04 02:12pm

Part 25: Battle Beneath Manhattan! (isn't that an old movie?)

*open up on a bunch of SEGNOR troops getting stoned*

GNOME 1: Yo…pass it, man.

GNOME 2: Okay.

*gunfire erupts from the shadows, blowing all of the GNOMES away*

FANBOY: Well, that wasn't too hard.

*STORMBRINGER rolls his eyes and drops his guns back into their holsters*

STORMBRINGER: Let's keep moving. There's bound to be someone who heard that.

*a bunch of GNOMES burst through the door*

GNOME LEADER: You're trapped!

FANBOY: Big Swinging Wood Attack!

STORMBRINGER: Whatever this is, it had better involve him keeping his pants on.

*FANBOY charges the GNOME SOLDIERS and wipes them out by swinging the oar*

STORMBRINGER: Ok, let's go.

*CUT TO: The Gnome Control Center*

DGG: What's going on? What just happened to Gnome Squad Four?

HEADCRAB: They've been wiped out!

MITT: There's a pair of humans fighting their way towards us!

DGG: Crap! I was hoping nobody would notice the giant hole Rover left!

HEADCRAB: IT'S FIDO!

*ROGUEICE enters*

ROGUEICE: Excuse me, Fearful Leader, but-

*a female falls out of the air conditioning and squashes him*

MARINA: Wow, this place is so cool…

DGG: YAAAAAA! HUMAN! SOUND RED ALERT!

MARINA: Wow, look at all the fancy gadgets! What does this do?

HEADCRAB: DON'T TOUCH THAT!

*MARINA hits a button and HEADCRAB is hit with a boxing glove on a spring. In the groin. He crumples.*

MARINA: Oh, neat trick.

DGG: For Thorin's sake, stop her!

*MITT leaps, but MARINA turns to look at something else and he crashes into a computer screen*

MARINA: Hey, why is this one labeled Do Not Touch? Can I touch it?

DGG: NO!

*she does anyway*

VOICE: WARNING. WARNING. AUTO-DEFENSE SYSTEM ACTIVATED. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.

*various guns begin popping out of the wall*

DGG: Now look what you're done!

*CUT TO: a room outside the control center. STORMBRINGER and FANBOY finish off the guards*

STORMBRINGER: Hey, do you hear that?

FANBOY: Sounds like someone's yelling.

*they train their weapons on the door to the Control Center just as the door bursts open. DGG runs out amid bursts of laser and gunfire. He attaches himself to STORMBRINGER'S chest*

DGG: HELP ME! SAVE ME! SHE'S A MENACE!

STORMBRINGER: Get off! Get off of me!

DGG: NO! HERE SHE COMES!

*he runs off, panicking. MARINA exits the Center, slightly sooty*

MARINA: Aw, I just bought these yesterday and now they're all yucky! Ick!

FANBOY: Wha...

MARINA: Oh, hi! Isn't this place so totally cool? Later!

*she jogs off down a tunnel. The two guys stare after her*

STORMBRINGER: Um...wasn't that-

FANBOY: WHY AM I JUST STANDING HERE?!

STORMBRINGER: What?

FANBOY: WAIT FOR ME, BLONDIE!

*he charges off after MARINA*

STORMBRINGER: Wait a minute!

*CUT TO: A chamber deep beneath the Control Center. DGG runs in and hits a switch*

COMPUTER: Self-destruct has now been activated. Self-destruct in 20 seconds.

DGG: I'm outta here!

*he jumps into an escape pod and shoots off just as MARINA runs in*

MARINA: Yuck. This place is so dark. Ooh, check out this couch!

*she sits down in one of the escape pods and it launches just as the guys run in*

FANBOY: Wait! Wait!

STORMBRINGER: Too late.

COMPUTER: Self-destruct in 15 seconds.

BOTH: WHAT?!

*the door slams shut behind them. They leap into each other's arms*

FANBOY: I DON'T WANNA DIE! I HAVEN'T SCORED ENOUGH YET!

STORMBRINGER: IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO END LIKE THIS, DAMMIT!

COMPUTER: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

BOTH: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

COMPUTER: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...have a nice day.

BOTH: Thank you.

*CUT TO: the street of Manhattan as KUJA leads his group around yet another corner*

KUJA: Hey did you just feel something?

CYRAN: You mean like a distant explosion?

*STORMBRINGER and FANBOY erupt out of the ground and go flying up, accompanied by a lot of smoke*

BOTH: Looks like we're blasting off agaaaaaaaaaiiiiin!

*they disappear*

CYRAN: Wow. That was random.

*KUJA turns to face the camera*

KUJA: And if you caught all the references in this chapter, congratulations! You need a life almost as badly as I do!

*fade out*

Jason von Evil · Post by **Jason von Evil** » 2003-11-04 02:30pm

First comment dance!

Will edit later.

Edit: Haha, loved it, loved it, loved it!

That blasting off again was a Team Rocket reference.

FANBOY: Big Swinging Wood Attack!

STORMBRINGER: Whatever this is, it had better involve him keeping his pants on.

Sig worthy!

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-11-04 02:37pm

LMAO

I hope Marina is reading this.....

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2003-11-04 02:49pm

Zaia wrote:LMAO

I hope Marina is reading this.....

If not, Kuja just wasted the chapter no?

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-11-04 03:21pm

Hahahaha. Once again i kick myself for not reading stuff in the fanfics forum for far too long.

The previous chapter looked exactly like celebrity deathmatch in my mind.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-11-04 06:31pm

*Catches most of the references.*

I really feel downed after knowing all those one liners...I need to get out more...

.....

Nah. Good chapter Kuja.

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2003-11-05 01:13am

Ah, another chapter filled with smitey goodness.

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-11-05 02:41am

Minor nitpick: Marina isn't a blonde, she's a redhead

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-05 04:08am

Stormbringer wrote:Ah, another chapter filled with smitey goodness.

for putting our esteemed likenesses in that mess at the end.

On the other hand I did slaughter gnomes, I give it an A.

Keep writing me good parts Kuja, I'll keep doing you favors such as this.

*Stabs Cyran In Face with Broken Broomstick*

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-05 04:09am

Crayz9000 wrote:Minor nitpick: Marina isn't a blonde, she's a redhead

reread previous chapters, and learn why Cyran and Kuja will one day have their testicles cut off in their sleep, hopefully they won't give into to their latent homsexual desires for each other (you guys fight like Akbar and Jeff, admit you love ech other) and they wont be in the same bed when it happens.

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-11-06 02:42pm

Part 26: Deus Ex Machina

*open up on AYA in an X-wing blasting Delta Flyers. AYA laughs like a maniac as he fires a torpedo and blows away one of the Flyers*

AYA: Take that, Feddie scum!

*CUT TO: ZAIA chasing the GANG OF GUYS down the street*

LT: How'd she get so close?

STRAVO: I think she's wearing cleats!

DALTON: JUST RUN!

*they turn a corner. ZAIA follows, only to realize that everyone's disappeared*

ZAIA: Okay...where are you all?

*she looks left and right, but sees no one. She smiles gamely*

ZAIA: I know you're around here somewhere, guys. Give it up and make it easy on yourselves!

*pan up to reveal the entire GANG perched precariously on a lamppost. They hiss at each other*

LT: Hold still!

DALTON: I can't get a good grip!

CYRAN: Kuja, move your ass!

KUJA: I can't! Deal with it!

STRAVO: Cyran, pull your elbow out of my gut!

ZAIA: Come on, you can't stay hidden forever!

CYRAN: I'm slipping!

KUJA: Grab him!

*CYRAN falls towards ZAIA, but STRAVO lunges and grabs him just in time. CYRAN dangles precariously just above ZAIA'S head*

STRAVO: Jesus! How many bowling balls did you eat for lunch?

KUJA: Just hold on, you weakling!

*a groaning sound*

LT: What was that?

DALTON: Uh oh.

*the lamppost suddenly bends. CYRAN jerks to a stop less than an inch away from ZAIA*

CYRAN: *under his breath* Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god...

STRAVO: I can't hold on any more!

*His grip on CYRAN slips. ZAIA takes a step forward and CYRAN falls to the ground just behind her. The GUYS breathe a collective sigh of relief. Then the lamppost bends a second time*

ZAIA: Who's there? I can hear you breathing...I think!

LT: It's giving way!

KUJA: Just hold on!

*CYRAN sits up*

CYRAN: THAT FUCKING HURT!

*ZAIA whirls*

ZAIA: Where did you come from?!

DALTON: IT'S GOING! ABANDON SHIP!

*ZAIA looks up just in time for all the GUYS to fall on her*

ALL: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!

*it takes some time for everyone to get untangled*

ZAIA: Now hold still!

KUJA: Cyran, help!

*CYRAN shoves a hat over her eyes, then sticks a false nose on her while he's at it*

CYRAN: OK, go, go!

*the GUYS take off while ZAIA is struggling with the hat. Finally, she manages to get it off, then realizes that it's a black witch's hat and she's wearing a big green nose*

ZAIA: I AM NOT A WICKED WITCH, YOU BASTARD!

KUJA: Thanks for taking some of the rage for me. You're a real pal.

CYRAN: Anything for a buddy.

*ZAIA comes tearing after them and cuts them off. She bares her claws*

ZAIA: Now you're all gonna die.

LT, DALTON AND STRAVO: WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

ZAIA: Okay, just the two of them, then.

*KUJA and CYRAN burst into sobs*

ZAIA: So, do you want quick and painless or slow and horrible?

KUJA: Quick!

CYRAN: Painless!

ZAIA: Slow and horrible it is!

BOTH: THAT'S NOT FAIR!

ZAIA: Too bad.

*she lunges, but a piece of Delta Flyer comes down and slams into her. It explodes*

KUJA: Now's our chance! Run!

*he grabs CYRAN by the wrist and drags him off. The other three stand there staring at the wreckage*

DALTON: When she gets out of there, she's going to be really mad.

STRAVO: Let's help her out.

LT: Then she won't be mad at us.

*they start to work through the wreckage as we fade out*

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2003-11-06 02:59pm

1st post
Stranger and Stranger, yet oddly amusing.