GNOME HUNTER!

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-05 06:54am

Guess WHat? Fanboy got laid, Snapped him out of the ultimate Funk, that and a frosty AnW Root Beer.

GNOME HUNTER VIII: FANBOY VERSUS ULTIMA ZAIA

*NOW WITH BATTLE VISION*

Black Mage Kuja:

Shit has hit the fan...
zaia is pissed off fanboy,
look out for your nuts/

Black Mage Cyran:

And there were voices, and thunders, and lighnings; and there was a great earthquake, such as not since men were upon the earth, so mighty and earthquake, and so great. -- Revelations 16-18

Black Mage Nitram:

Issa People Gonna Die?

Fanboy: Well beautiful shall we tango? Or are you more of a waltzing type of girl? Oh I know, why dont we get you a brass pole that goes from floor to ceiling...

Ultima Zaia: (eyes glow with hatred) Your dicks gone hard for the last time asshole.

fanboy: We'll Id like to believe you, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die...

*BEGIN BATTLE VISION*

Ultima Zaia Charges, swinging the Ultima Weapon at Fanboy in a wide horizontal arc hoping to slice him in two at the torso.

Fanboy Dodges straight up into the air with levitation, his expression never changing.

Ultima Zaia leaps into the air and hovers of her own accord, using the Ultima Weapon she projects a series of powerful energy blasts, which Fanboy dodges with amazing speed, he draws the boat oar and twirls it Ala Darth Maul.

Ultima Zaia Attacks again with a quick charge, Fanboy is forced to quickly draw the boat oar as the two engage in expert melee combat. Zaia is attacking aggressively at this point while Fanboy is only managing a defense.

* END BATTLE VISION*

Fanboy: Come on Z! Let it out! All that Anger hate and destruction! EMbrace it with your whole heart! Give in to the Weapon and Strike me down! *parries an attack*

Zaia: Funny that the guy who is LOSING the battle would be doing all of the taunting. *attempts to Skewer fanboy*

Fanboy: Its my way of letting you know its okay.

Zaia: Okay? What could possibly be okay?

Fanboy: I forgive you.

(Zaia is frozen by Fanboy's words and ceases her attack.)

Fanboy: Sorry Z, I hope you can forgive me too.

* BEGIN BATTLE VISION*

Fanboy uses Zaia's hesitation to attack herself, A full baseball swing with the oar sends her flying into a wall.

Fanboy follows up the attack with a mind bullet at the Ultima Weapon, attempting to dislodge it from her hands.

Ultima Zaia Howls with Rage and Charges, Fanboy meets her attack with matching intensity. Though his face remains emotionless. Zaia buries the Edge of her blade in Fanboys side, drawing a large amount of blood in the process and damaging at least one rib. Fanboy counters with an overhand smash to the Ultima Weapon. Zaia Twistes the blade is it remains in fanboys side and blood continues to rush from his abdomen. Fanboy is undeterred as he smashes at Zaias grasp of the Ultima Weapon again.

* END BATTLE VISION*

Fanboy: Your Will is strong Z, especially like this (hack..ack, Coughs up blood) Hard for me to...use my powers with all of that Determination.

Ultima Zaia: THe Ultima Weapon has given me powers far beyond even your comprehension! I am now the most powerful being on the planet!

Fanboy: (coughs more blood) Its not the Weapon Z,...It was you the whole time...Damn this hurts.

---

Innerbrat: What in the hell are they yammering about up there?

Duchess of Zeon: Zaia's drawn blood! She's winning!

Minister of Sin Denryle: I'd hardly call this winning, he could have won this battle.

Jmac: Bullshit! Zaia's got him outclassed!

Denryle: True in this case, but Fanboy's concentrating his powers on something else...hes not fighting at full capacity...Oh shit. FANBOY! Quit TRYING TO SAVE HER FROM THE WEAPON AND DEFEND YOURSELF DAMMIT!

Lady Tevar: WHat?

Denryle: Don't you see? he's been trying to separate Zaia from the Ultima WEapon! But he can't will it to happen himself because of her own will! The Weapons posessed her soul! Twisted and perverted Her incredible amount of passion into a tisted form of hatred! hes trying to separate the two but he can't fight like that!

Black Mage Kuja: Then We gotta help him. Cyran, get the sniper rifle, and take her down.

Duchess of Zeon: Over my dead body you are (draws .44 Magnum) No ones interfering in this battle or their getting their skulls emptied.

Kuja: (Draws Desert Eagle and points it at Marina) Same here bitch.

Innerbrat: What did you just call her? (draws glock)

Nitram: (draws Walther PPK)

Jmac: (draws Luger)

Cyran: (Draws Derringer)

(everyone falls over laughing their asses off at Cyran's Tiny gun)

Duchess: Hahahaha! Did someone remember to pack their training gun?

Cyran: (Fires Derringer at nearby wall, utterly destroys it.) Training gun my ass, this be my "noisy cricket".

(Group is sacttered by a crazy explosion in the immediate vicinity, its Fanboy colliding with the ground)

Ultima Zaia: Now lets play "Zaia says." Zaia says...DIE!

Fanboy: Fanboy says....suck my...

Ultima Zaia: BBBZZZZZT! WRONG! (fires energy blast at Fanboy, striking him in the chest and scorching the flesh.)

Fanboy's Inner Monologue: Can't get her to let go of that Weapon...Fine, then I have no choice...

(Fanboy Stands again, and envelopes himself in light.)

Ultima Zaia: What the hell? I thought you were dead!

Perfect Fanboy: I might die Just yet. But theres one thing I have to do first okay?

* BEGIN BATTLE VISION*

Fanboy charges at Zaia with incredible speed and tosses the boat oar, the oar smacks her right in the chin, snapping her head backwards.

Fanboy follows up his attack with a charge, burying his knee in her abdomen, attempting to knock the wind out of her. He then uses aan axhandle smash on the back of her skull, which rocks her back.

Zaia rasies her head, she is bloodied but unwavering in her anger.

Fanboy fires a series of mind bullets that can only be described as ballistic. The explosions envelop the area, Fanboy follows up this attack with incredible speed, too fast for Ultima Zaia to follow. Before she can reat he emerges next to her and grabs the writ holding the Ultima WEapon, grabbing it with both hands he snaps the wrist into pieces. the horrible crunchings sound is sickening, and the bone protrudes trhough the skin. Zaia however, is forced to relinquish the Ultima Weapon and it drops to the ground.

Fanboy's shell of light shatters and he uses the last of his strength to lower himself and Zaia to the ground. Whereupon landing he collapses.

* END BATTLE VISION*

Kuja: God Dammit! Anybody here know white magic? Nitram! Go get the fucking Trauma Kit.

Innerbrat: Zaia!

Zaia: What the hell, damn my wrist....this pain!

Fanboy: Sorry Z....i didn't want to...hurt you.....(falls unconscious0

Zaia: Fanboy! Oh God say something, flirt with me! Tell me how good I look SAY SOMETHING!

Denryle: He's gone into a coma. I can sense his strength but its faint, he's sustaining himself in a coma but I don't know how long he'll be able to hold on. Even with that kind of strength he's been hurt horribly.

Zaia: And I did this? With that thing over there?

Denryle: That's right...

(Zaia walks over to the Ultima Weapon)

(Cyran Pisses his pants)

(Zaia picks up the Ultima Weapon with her unbroken hand)

Ultima Zaia: There's something I hate more now....

Kuja: (crying) Well, It was nice knowing you guys.

Innerbrat: At least be a man about it, get off your knees.

Kuja: WAAAAAHHH! I don't wanna die!

(Ultima Zaia looks over at Fanboy, the Shatters the Ultima Weapon into pieces with one mighty slam into the floorm utterly destroying the floor in the process. She is then consumed in a powerful unholy flame)

Jmac: Son of a bitch! Lets pull her out of there!

(Zaia emerges from the flame, completely Unscathed and completely healed from all of her injuries)

Zaia: Its done.

Nitram: Okay time out...What in the heck just happened?

Denryle: Ahhh I see, you purified the energy of the....

Zaia: I don't know what I did. Can you guys fix him? (points at Fanboy)

Denryle: I ahhh Uhhh Errr....no.

Zaia: So he's just going to die. You're going to give up.

Denryle: I aaahhhh well umm its a little diffcult....

Zaia: (Throws a punch, flames manifests around her hand as it connects with Denryle) Fix him. Or Myself, and the rest of the sisterhood, will kill all of the black mages, Take your castle, and take it for our own...

Duchess: I got dibs on the armory.

Innerbrat: Dibs on the fifth floor, though I'll have to incinerate most of the tacky crap up there.

Cyran: My room is on the fifth floor!

Innerbrat: Doesn't Matter, Z's gonna incinerate you before you'll be able to stop me AHAHAHAHhahaHAHha!

----------

MEanwhile at the GNOME HOME FOR GNOMES (of evil)

Darth Garden Gnome: Rogue Ice II! I choose you!

(Shits Rogue Ice II out through Rectum)

Rogue Ice: Ugggh, I dont remember much...What happened!

Darth Garden Gnome: Well, Like Rye and Mith you failed me for the lastt time, so I killed and ate all three of you and reformed you into new more superpowered gnomes so you wont sucks so badly next time I send you on a mission.

ROgue Ice: So how much more powerful am I?

DGG: not much, you're still a little bitch Grand Vizier, and whats worse is that you never update my forum! If I were a Tentacle Demon and not a gnome right now Id sodomize you out of spite!

Rogue Ice: Ew Yucky.

DGG: Enough prattling! The BLack Mages will soon reach the Highguard at this rate! WE need to attack them now but our snowtroopers are too weak.

Rogue Ice: Well Before the cross the threshold they'll still have to go through the Vally of Ooba Jooba.

DGG: Of COURSE! OOBA JOOBA! Our Powerful Army of Hillbilly Gnomes are already there! BwaHAHAHAH!!!! NOw, rub my feet.

Rogue Ice: You don't have feet.

DGG: Then Rub me where my feet would be!

Rogue Ice: *sigh* (rubs)

DGG: Ooooooh! Rogue Ice, This isn't what I was thinking but I like your style....

Rogue Ice: Gah! What what did I just do! I feel so dirty....

DGG: (Bites Roguce Ice's head off, eats him) (belches) (looks right at YOU) Don't look at me that way! I needed a snac and besides, now he wont have to remember the fact that he just gave me the best Gnome-Job in the entire world.

Rye: Heheh I still took pictures. Well just shuffle these away in case we want to torment the little bugger later.

Mith: You're one sick Motherfucker Rye.

Rye: Fuck you fucker!

Mith: Fuck you!

(Pulp fiction music starts playing, Rye and Mith pull guns and begin shooting each other at close range, there is of blood.)

Quentin Tarantignome: CUT CUT CUT! Can we start that over? Im no feelin it, we need some more blood.

(Rye and Mith Lay Dead.)

Tarantignome: Shit! Master DGG! YOur top two guys killed each other over here, think you can revive them?

ENd For gNoW!

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-11-05 07:02am

Hmmm.... Zaia kicked you ass mostly so i'm happy.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-11-05 12:51pm

2000AD wrote:Hmmm.... Zaia kicked you ass mostly so i'm happy.

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-11-05 12:55pm

Duchess of Zeon: Over my dead body you are (draws .44 Magnum) No ones interfering in this battle or their getting their skulls emptied.

Kuja: (Draws Desert Eagle and points it at Marina) Same here bitch.

Innerbrat: What did you just call her? (draws glock)

Nitram: (draws Walther PPK)

Jmac: (draws Luger)

Cyran: (Draws Derringer)

(everyone falls over laughing their asses off at Cyran's Tiny gun)

My favorite part.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-11-05 02:14pm

BTW, how the hell did I miss the last few chapters of this? I thought it was done, but I haven't seen any posts shooting it up to the top of the forum...

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-11-05 05:09pm

Kuja wrote:
Duchess of Zeon: Over my dead body you are (draws .44 Magnum) No ones interfering in this battle or their getting their skulls emptied.

Kuja: (Draws Desert Eagle and points it at Marina) Same here bitch.

Innerbrat: What did you just call her? (draws glock)

Nitram: (draws Walther PPK)

Jmac: (draws Luger)

Cyran: (Draws Derringer)

(everyone falls over laughing their asses off at Cyran's Tiny gun)
My favorite part.

Eh hem...

Duchess: Hahahaha! Did someone remember to pack their training gun?

Cyran: (Fires Derringer at nearby wall, utterly destroys it.) Training gun my ass, this be my "noisy cricket".

Good chapter Fanboy. Funny with the stuff between the fighting...

Please don't blow up my room...

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-07 06:20am

Im going to make a game out of this, whomever is a major character in this story that doesn't post here by the time the next chapter comes out. Will be killed off in that next chapter.

Except for Myself.

There will also be a PM contest, the most creative Death of the "Gnome sympathizer 2000AD" Feel free to use any resources or characters you may want. Winner gets to kill another character in story of choice except for Darth Garden Gnome. Another rule is that any character who says "Fanboy as the character they want to kill will be killed off by the Fanboy character

and as always if any of the ladies want to submit their characters for a torrid love scene with the handsome lead character Fanboy thats fine too. But it will only be done through volunteering so no one has to worry about their persona's being "oversatisfied by the results."

One last thing:

Cyran, i'm sorry about that last request you made, I cannot add it to the story due to the disturbing and perverse nature. Though I realize that said act you mentioned is legal, and that the Olsen twins probably would never see it and that said act is okay to write about as long as you dont actually do it, I think it would be best not to go through with it. After all, there's a reason why some holes are wider than others and theres a reason for certain medical instruments to be sterilized between use.

One More Last thing:

Sorry Kuja, but your planned love scene with thirty Sexy Swedish underwear models had to be cut AGAIN due to budgetary constraints, however since we alreayd purchased the cucumbers and thirty gallons of Lube I will ship those to your house as compensation. Perhaps you can find something to do with them or give them to out of work Siegfried and Roy crewmen.

Even One More Last Thing:

Im sorry Innerbrat, but I couldn't possibly marry you at this time. While I realize that the costs of TransAtlantic flight aren't as high as one would think I am terribly strapped for cash right now seeing as how im a poor college student, and I am also worried about the strain of a long distance relationship, especially a wedding. I am returning to you the ring you purchased for me, and that nude portrait of yourself with the strateically placed Union Jacks. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and also, please dont think of me wrongly.

p.s.

The sex however, was great, but if we ever have a next time, lets see if we cant do it so I dont end up in the ER afterwards.

And By Sex I mean : "Throwing me into a pit of live rattlesnakes and then pelting him with Rocks and molotov cocktails."

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-11-07 06:43am

Darth Fanboy wrote: There will also be a PM contest, the most creative Death of the "Gnome sympathizer 2000AD" Feel free to use any resources or characters you may want.

Say what! I'm not a gnome symphasiser, i just wanted to see Zaia kick your ass, as she did, although you used the "holding back" copout.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-11-07 08:19am

You will pay.

Oh yes, you will pay.

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-11-07 08:46am

InnerBrat wrote:You will pay.

Oh yes, you will pay.

Want to team up?

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-11-07 10:29am

ROTF

What a lovely definition of the word "sex."

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-11-07 10:44am

The best part is the fact that the Union Jacks were stategically placed over my face...

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-11-07 11:26am

*a chittering sound is heard deep within Kaz-Bear-dun "my secret fortress inside Half dome", a nervous squirril approched the master*

Squirrel: Chitter, chitter
YB: "What some how the evil have been released from the castle of the black mages!"
Squirrel: Chitter, shiver, chitter
YB: Alright, prepare the pick up truck, we ae going out
Squirrel: Chitter, *jumps up and does a back flip*

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » 2003-11-07 02:15pm

Dammit. Kuja and Cyran cost me another castle. Do you people have any idea how much tacky, super-technological, unreal castles cost these days?!

And my Ultima weapon. I camped that bitch for a week, and now you've broken it. You couldn't just drop it, noooo, you had to be dramatic and purify it.

And you make me talk like Jar-Jar. Fanboy, lock your bedroom door tonight, because I'm coming for you while you sleep. And you will have a gridfire enema that you will never, ever recover from.

(Though it was funny as all fuck.)

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-11-07 02:19pm

Bwahaha.

Consider this my main-character saviour post.

But you should have a lesbian scene with the olsen twins. It's just got to be done.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-11-07 03:45pm

SirNitram wrote:Dammit. Kuja and Cyran cost me another castle. Do you people have any idea how much tacky, super-technological, unreal castles cost these days?!

And my Ultima weapon. I camped that bitch for a week, and now you've broken it. You couldn't just drop it, noooo, you had to be dramatic and purify it.

And you make me talk like Jar-Jar. Fanboy, lock your bedroom door tonight, because I'm coming for you while you sleep. And you will have a gridfire enema that you will never, ever recover from.

(Though it was funny as all fuck.)

It's not my fault you buy your floating castles from Uganda...maybe if you weren't such a cheap ass you'd save up some money and buy a good castle that won't crash everytime I use some heavy weaponry...

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-11-07 03:50pm

Darth Fanboy wrote:Im going to make a game out of this, whomever is a major character in this story that doesn't post here by the time the next chapter comes out. Will be killed off in that next chapter.

Except for Myself.

There will also be a PM contest, the most creative Death of the "Gnome sympathizer 2000AD" Feel free to use any resources or characters you may want. Winner gets to kill another character in story of choice except for Darth Garden Gnome. Another rule is that any character who says "Fanboy as the character they want to kill will be killed off by the Fanboy character

Any resources you say?...

and as always if any of the ladies want to submit their characters for a torrid love scene with the handsome lead character Fanboy thats fine too. But it will only be done through volunteering so no one has to worry about their persona's being "oversatisfied by the results."

One last thing:

Cyran, i'm sorry about that last request you made, I cannot add it to the story due to the disturbing and perverse nature. Though I realize that said act you mentioned is legal, and that the Olsen twins probably would never see it and that said act is okay to write about as long as you dont actually do it, I think it would be best not to go through with it. After all, there's a reason why some holes are wider than others and theres a reason for certain medical instruments to be sterilized between use.

Hmph...you're no fun...

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-11-07 04:20pm

Darth Fanboy wrote:There will also be a PM contest, the most creative Death of the "Gnome sympathizer 2000AD" Feel free to use any resources or characters you may want. Winner gets to kill another character in story of choice except for Darth Garden Gnome.

Hrmmm.... an intresting suggestion...

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-07 05:06pm

InnerBrat wrote:You will pay.

Oh yes, you will pay.

Sorry muffin, but it had to be you, i pick on Zaia too much and Marina would flat out kill me.

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-07 05:11pm

InnerBrat wrote:The best part is the fact that the Union Jacks were stategically placed over my face...

I beg to differ, remember I voted for you in ms SDnet.

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-08 12:02am

Darth Fanboy wrote:Im going to make a game out of this, whomever is a major character in this story that doesn't post here by the time the next chapter comes out. Will be killed off in that next chapter.

Guess What, this isnt the next Chapter. This is merely another SIDE STORY. YOu people had best make this thread a lively festival of debauchery and madness.

-------------------------
Writer's Guild Headquarters.

Stravo is sitting in a chair facing the new york city skyline at night. Durandal Enters the Room but Stravo never turns to face him, behind him, a computer with a half written chapter of Star Crossed on it.

Stravo: What did they tell you?

RedImperator: The old HQ is a loss, the Gnomes are on the rise. we'll need another chapter soon in order to fund the next stage of the war. but they way youve been going lately Im afraid you're methods are too...unsound

Stravo: Are my methods unsound?

RedImperator: Frankly Stravo, I don't see any method at all...

Stravo: Are you an Assassin?

RedImperator: I'm an author...

Stravo: You're neither...you're a fan, here to demand a new chapter...

RedImperator: what the fuck are you talking about?

Stravo: Its hard writing new chapters....can I tell you something REd?

RedImperator: Uhhhhh...

Stravo: Fact of the matter is i've been bullshitting this entire time. the first twenty chapters or so I pulled out of my ass, then there are another five where I used kidnapped korean kids to do all the work, hell I haven't even read them...I did another dozen or so after that in a haze of prescription painkillers and depression medicines, these last few chapters I've ust been guessing on...

RedImperator: Okay, someone needs to lay off the Aerosol fumes...

Stravo: Its sheer luck that i've managed to go on this long, How much longer though until I complete fuck this up? People have EXPECTATIONS now...This is bad.

RedImperator: So you're saying the entire plot has been bullshitted so far.

Stravo: I kept telling the kitty that we needed to stop. That evil fucking cat...but he kept saying MORE MORE MORE, threatening my loved ones....telling me I was worthless (reaching for bottle of wild turkey)

RedImperator: This is just wrong.

StravO: Its puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again....uughughughu I dont feel well.

RedImperator: Starcrossed is no epic tale...it the fabrications of a madman trying to deal with addiction and depression. Perhaps the inner turmoil of the story merely reflects his own twisted soul.

stravo: (swallows handful of pills) It is agreeable.

redImperator: Bloodhound Gang Lyrics?

stravo: Cause you're pretty when Im drunk

Red Imperator: And im pretty fuckin drunk.

Agent Fisher · Post by **Agent Fisher** » 2003-11-08 12:12am

I am one of the top members of SEGNOR and I am only mentioned once and the gnomes of SEGNOR wanted to eat me! WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS SHIT?!?!?!?

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-11-08 06:13am

Agent Fisher wrote:I am one of the top members of SEGNOR and I am only mentioned once and the gnomes of SEGNOR wanted to eat me! WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS SHIT?!?!?!?

And now a word from our latest sponsor: Sympathy Tampons.

Sympathy Tampons are tailored for whiners everywhere and they come in special packs of two. One for the uncontrollable "down there" bleeding, and the other for your throat hole so that you'll be quiet, have sympathy for others, and basically stop your hormone induced whining.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-11-08 11:37am

Darth Fanboy wrote:
Agent Fisher wrote:I am one of the top members of SEGNOR and I am only mentioned once and the gnomes of SEGNOR wanted to eat me! WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS SHIT?!?!?!?
And now a word from our latest sponsor: Sympathy Tampons.

Sympathy Tampons are tailored for whiners everywhere and they come in special packs of two. One for the uncontrollable "down there" bleeding, and the other for your throat hole so that you'll be quiet, have sympathy for others, and basically stop your hormone induced whining.

I'd be highly tempted to buy those for some of my friends...

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-11-08 02:23pm

I've got my submission in for the PM competition, which reflects the facts that i wasn't a gnome symphasiser, i just wanted Zaia to kick Fanboy's ass!