I am going to now review Revolutions. Be warned that this will include
massive fucking spoilers, which will likely ruin the entire movie if you haven't already seen it. A bit redundant, given the thread, but I'm just covering all my bases.
To start with, Revolutions is better than Reloaded, which admittedly is not saying much. To me, the high points of Reloaded were a few choice lines ("wiping your ass with silk," "me, me, me,") and spotting H&K weaponry in action. Note that while a movie does gain brownie points for featuring H&K guns, I consider that to be icing on the cake, not the cake itself. When the high point of a movie involves me looking for my favorite guns, that speaks not well of the movie.
Now, piece by piece.
Bane is KO'ed. He's the only survivor of the massacre which was caused by a premature EMP. He has self-inflicted wounds that are more than one day old. The captain wants some damn good answers from him. He could wake up at any time. Why is he not restrained and under guard? Why is he allowed to palm a scalpel (or hide it on his person)? Why does nobody notice the strange way he speaks? Fucking idiots.
Oracle. Why is she different? PLAY THE GAME TO FIND OUT!! Fuckers. Motherfucking cocksucking pissant shitlicking cumguzzling babyeating assmongering cunts. I will find you and beat you to death with your own filth-encrusted scrotums.
Neo is between the Matrix and the Real World. WTF? Okay, I can deal with it, so long as I don't think about it. Aw fuck, too late...
Making the machines more human. Okay, I can dig it. Remove the black and white, make shades of grey. Machines are capable of love. How do they have sex? Kids? WTF? Okay, so the concept is nice, but the execution sucks ass. We also get a brief look into the society of the machines. They appear to be cold and unfeeling, but yet individual machines have feelings. Why?
Trainman. Makes a subroutine where he is god. Bull. Shit. Nobody can leave, huh? So how the fuck do they get there in the first place? Neo is a special case, obviously, but nobody seems to know how he got there, or why. How did the machines who were waiting for the train get there?
Nightclub. Goes from okay to cool to fuck you all at random. At first, Trinity's trinity doesn't even bother with cover. Morpheus, I love the HK MP5Ks, but why the fuck do you need scopes on them when you're using them akimbo, you dumb shit? Why were the guards walking on the ceiling? The jump from wall to wall thing was cool, bouncing all over the room is interesting, but why are you dancing on the motherfucking ceiling? Trinity's patented flying kick-I was honestly hoping she would nail htat fucker in the head. It's like, "you want to walk on the ceiling like a moron? Fine, let me show you why that's a bad idea,"
BOOT TO THE HEAD!!
Merv...poor, poor Merv. Not much to say here, except that Trinity's trinity has character shields like mad.
Smith vs. the Oracle and company. Okay, Smith is mean, subverting even a little girl...er, program. Um...well fuck it. Wasn't fond of it, but it worked. What pissed me off was Smith's face off with the Oracle. From this point on, the Smith we knew and loved from the first movie is GONE (not counting Bane at the moment, I'll get back to him). He's a raving lunatic, babbling on and on in circles. "Did you know, didn't you know, blah blah blah," Smith goes on until the Oracle thankfully tells him to just shut the fuck up and get the scene over with. Which he does, but not before calling her "Mother". Okay, so Smith is the child of the Oracle and...who, the Architect? Maybe it's not so much the word as the connection, since the Oracle was the reason Smith has now become what he is. Maybe he's just taunting her one last time by letting her know he has the little girl program. Who cares? Not me not me! Why? HE BREAKS CHARACTER by calling her "Mother". He despises human emotions and connections, that's why he wants to kill all the humans, and then the machines that habor them. Finally, once the corruption sequence is finished, Smith backs away...unsure, uncertain,
afraid. Yes,
AFRAID. This happens again later, and I fucking hate it. Then he (rather, Oracle Smith) starts laughing. Yeah. Weehay.
Lock. A character I'm supposed to not like in the slightest. Yet he's one of the characters I actually feel sorry for during Reloaded and Revolutions. Here he is, supposed to have complete and TOTAL control over the defenses of Zion, and yet he is constantly being hampered in his ability to do so by the politicians of the council. Let the generals command the armies, you dumb shits, THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Lock wants to keep Morpheus from setting foot in a ship again. Morpheus just rubs Lock's inability to make that decision without the council interfering in his face. I look at it like this:
Lock: God damn it I gave you an order!
Morph: Yeah, so what? I don't like you.
Lock: I don't care, I gave you an order. I am in command, when I say jump, don't even ask how high, just do it! If you can't, then I'll make sure you don't continue to fuck things up by removing you from active duty.
Morph: You can't, so I can do whatever I want. I've got the Council sucking my cock, so you're shit out of luck. I can do whatever the fuck I want, and you can't do a damn thing to stop me.
Weee...that's great! But hey, I guess it was somewhat understandable in Reloaded. In Revolutions, it's retarded. Lock wants to stop the Machines at the docks. In order to best do that, he wants to put the full force of Zion at the docks. In all, not a bad idea. The council, however, blanches and despite giving him TOTAL CONTROL in assembling the defense of Zion, continues to tell him what he can and cannot do.
Bane wakes up. Goes nuts. Kills the doctor with a scalpel to the chest. Instantly. Good grief. Scalpels are not killing instruments! The blade, though sharp, is tiny. Not only that, but he stabs her, IIRC, dead center in her chest, meaning the scalpel would have to go through solid bone before it hit anything vital. Even if it had been lower, it would have been a gut wound, painful and debilitating, but not immediately fatal. Even if it had been slightly to the sides, it would have meant most likely a punctured lung, which is again not immediately fatal. Then he manages to sneak out of the Hammer and into the Logos, without anybody noticing. Morons. All of them. Niobe giving the Logos to Neo and Trinity wasn't that bad, actually, since the fastest way back was through a tunnel only one person could apparently navigate. Only one ship was bound to come back anyway, so if Neo thought he had a better use for the second ship, hey, wonderful.
They find the dead doctor...whoops, too late to go back and warn the Logos. Did nobody do a fucking head count before they took off? At the very least, they did leave Trinity and Neo to die. Thank goodness for small miracles. If they had gone back, I would have been royally pissed.
So Bane ambushes Trinity, calls out Neo, and starts the villain routine. Not badly done, and in fact enjoyable. Bane nails Smith very fucking nicely, and brings back the Smith we all enjoyed from the first movie. However, Neo, the dumbest fucking man alive, doesn't get it. He has to have it spelled out for him. Great. The savior of humanity is the biggest fucking retard we have ever managed to produce. Talk about pandering to the lowest common denominator. The scene also finally involved a fight scene where Neo was in serious danger, something they should have included in Reloaded. Once Neo becomes a god inside the matrix, find some situations where he is in danger. How? Go OUTSIDE the matrix. Took them long enough to figure that out, the fuckers. It was a fun scene, at least up until Bane's little "blind messiah" line, which was fucking annoying. Attention Wachaoski Brothers: WE GET THE FUCKING PICTURE! Give the audience some credit, please, you fucking morons. The burning Smith over Bane was cool, but only further drove home the Neo = Second (Sixth?) Coming, Smith = Antichrist symbolism.
Defense of Zion. It wasn't a battle, it was a fucking ballet. The machines and zionists danced around each other for what seemed like hours. It was interesting to watch at points, but in the end, it was just an artsy "look at what we can do with CG" excercise. Whoop-de-doo. You fucks. A friend asked me how the fight compared to the Battle of Endor, and the Stormtroopers getting owned by the cute fuzzy Ewoks. Sadly, this fight fails even that comparison. The Ewoks and the Imperials both, at least, showed some degree of skill, tactics, and so on. They were, at the very least, somewhat competant. The lanky AT-STs were exploited, but also shown to be extremely dangerous. Both sides engaged full-on, not pulling any punches. The Defense of Zion showed both sides had such an unbelievable level of stupidity that the only possible remedy would be to glass the whole fucking planet and let the cockroaches try their hand at being the dominant species.
Lock is portrayed inconsistantly. First he wants to open the doors for the Hammer, to let them in and let them help with the defenses. Then he's bitching that they just cost Zion the docks. What defenses were left, exactly? Did the machines not utterly destroy each APU they tore into (well, okay, obviously not, given that Kid is still able to operate Mifune's APU after Mifune is ripped to hell, but they could have done so easily).
Kid. Well, at the very least, Kid's balls finally drop. Unfortunately, they are still firmly implanted in Neo's clenched hand. "I believe". What do you believe? You believe in Neo? When did you stop? Fuck you, Kid. Take some credit for your shit for fuck's sake.
Oh, and the machines washed over Mifune, sliced his ass up, but his APU is still fucntional. This, people, is a key example of why those fucking things should have been armored.
Lock blows the tunnel before the Machines even get to it. Okay, fine. Don't want to risk the machines slipping through. Why didn't you wait to catch some machines in the blast? Presumably to avoid the old cliche "oh no, the bombs aren't working now! We need to detonate them manually" or "The machines disabled the bombs because we waited too long! We're doomed!" I actually rather liked it. What I didn't like was that nowhere in Zion did they have defensive EMP systems. For fuck's sake, people, you have the tech, USE IT! The machines have to come for you, put that shit to use!
The machines are so unforgivable stupid it pains me to talk about about it. You want to kill puny humans? You can do this in lots of ways. NBC weapons come to mind. Drop'em down the hole and away you go. Drop your own EMP down the hole too, knock out their machines. Use guns of your own, attack on sight. You aren't killing any humans flying around like the wasted robot sperm being flushed down a toilet.
Neo vs. Comp USA. Oh, goody, the machines are throwing "smart" bombs at them by the hundreds. Well, Neo rewrites their code to emulate Matrix fanwhores, and they all blow their loads way too early. Despite simultaneously detonating dozens upon dozens of the bombs, he is overwhelmed by a dozen or so sentinels. Solution? Fly, Trinity, Fly! We're treated to an absolutely fucking pointless scene where the Logos breaks the cloud cover. The clouds seem to be very highly charged, and disable the squiddies as the Logo comes up...and apparently the Logos as well. Here's the thing...it doesn't take them very long to break the cloud cover...what's to keep the machines from sticking up a tower with solar panels above the cloud cover, and gaining additional power from the highly charged clouds? I don't know, but I'm sure the reason why is on some spooge-stained page of notes deep inside the Wachaoski's lair.
Trinity's death. Oh no, Trinity is dead! Everyone in the theater knows it! One group laughs out loud when Neo finally figures it out. It was so fucking obvious, there was no surprise to the audience. The tension failed to build because of the way Trinity was speaking and the tell-tale angle of the camera. The whole scene was boring as hell. It dragged so much I nearly fell asleep watching it.
Neo walking on water...well, energy ripples. Or something. Lead pipe symbolism 101: how to drive the fucking point home so much that your audience wants to physically beat you senseless.
Neo talking to the..uh...source. Yeah...loads of squiddies making a face and a powerful voice. Forgive me if I can't help but feel shades of Oz. "Pay no attention to the men behind the curtain! I am the great and powerful source!" Sorry, no. You're a couple of fucking morons. The banter between the two...just, sucked. What use has a machine for bravado? For bluffing? For...well...pride?
Neo vs. Smith: Final Round
FIGHT!
The last vestiges of Smith died with Bane. Smith is now completely insane. The fight was...eh. The sonic boom in rain thing was okay, but it was far, far from flawless, and each time they showed it only more clearly showed the flaws. It was like they had just discovered the lens flare effect in Photoshop. Some parts of the fight were cool. The whole Silhouette Kung-Fu sequence was actually pretty hot. The slo-mo "Smith Slobberknocker" sequence was just silly and stupid, making Smith look even more like a fucking idiot. Then Smith has Neo. He sees the scene he saw when he corrupted the Oracle. He then prances around like a fucking moron and prattles on with what he's supposed to say. He sounds like an actor who's screaming "LINE?!" on the set. Then something happens he didn't see, and once again, he gets scared. Smith is
terrified by this turn of events. Those fucking tools ruined Smith. Then Neo gives up, after spouting some more inane babble. Neo gets corrupted, the Source sends a surge through the Smiths via Neo, and destroys them all, resetting the Matrix. The programs corrupted by Smith seem no worse for the wear, and presumably the humans in the Matrix are restored as well. Once again, we are treated to Lead Pipe Symbolism 101 with the cross of energy forming behind the crucified blind savior.
The Oracle then goes on to let us know that the Architect will set the humans free, but we don't know on what terms. Neo's fate? We don't see him stop breathing, we don't see his body being destroyed, we don't know what happened. The Oracle says that we'll see him again. Neo. Not "The One". NEO. Assumption: Neo's not dead, he's resting. Well, he's pining for the Fjords at least. They're not ending the story there, just the movies. They'll now have comic books, novels, the MMORPG, hell, maybe a TV show. But, hey, no more movies. For now, anyway.
From here, I'd like to go into a rant about how they'll continue things, but that's a post for another thread. Instead, I'll just leave you with this:
Do you
really think that's cinematic gold you're shitting?