Horror Movie Basics (reprinted from CJ)

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-11-11 05:00pm

Horror Movie Basics
Grab A Pen

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

No alcohol or partying! These activities will surely seal your fate.

If you find a town that is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Darth_Fin · Post by **Darth_Fin** » 2003-11-11 05:25pm

So very true...

ROFLMFAO!!!

Crazy Goji · Post by **Crazy Goji** » 2003-11-11 05:47pm

It's always a good idea to stay away from cabin's in Tennesee. As one friend put it, "It's a cabin in Tennesee! What'd you expect to find, normal things?!"

But I wouldn't know. I never really watch horror movies.

zombie84 · Post by **zombie84** » 2003-11-11 06:00pm

"No sex" should be added to the "no alcohal" line--anyone who drinks, smokes or has sex is dead in the slasher picture.

Sir Sirius · Post by **Sir Sirius** » 2003-11-11 06:04pm

- Never have sex or make out, these activities will shorten your remaining lifespan to less then 5 minutes.

- If you are being chased by someone or something and succeed in getting to a room or a house and closing the door locking him/her/it out do not lean on the door with your back, him/her/it will immediatly punch a hole in the door right by your head with a manipulative appendix of some kind or a suitable weapon or tool. If you are alone you will survive with nothing worse then a scare, but if there are others with you the incident might proof to be fatal.

- If you are an attrictive man or a woman and enjoy good luck with members of the opposite sex you might as well shoot yourself now and avoid a gruesome and inevitable death in the future.

zombie84 · Post by **zombie84** » 2003-11-11 06:13pm

never say "i'll be right back"

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2003-11-11 06:19pm

If you're asked to stay in an isolated and/or long abandoned house overnight, don't.

FaxModem1 · Post by **FaxModem1** » 2003-11-11 06:24pm

Funny, this one's my favorite

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Are there any other lists like these?

Bill Door · Post by **Bill Door** » 2003-11-11 06:31pm

If there are cute little kittens, stay away from them... Right away from them! They're a Satan-cat cross i tells ya!
*runs away screaming*

Mad or too much [url=http://.www.sluggy.com]Sluggy Freelance[/url]? You decide...

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-11-11 06:40pm

All The Rules Here

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-11-11 07:04pm

Montcalm wrote:All The Rules Here

Holy crap, I had no idea there was a bigger list! Cool!

P.S. Who the hell is that in your av?

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-11-11 07:06pm

Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Montcalm wrote:All The Rules Here
Holy crap, I had no idea there was a bigger list! Cool!

P.S. Who the hell is that in your av?

Kelly Brook

Brother-Captain Gaius · Post by **Brother-Captain Gaius** » 2003-11-11 07:13pm

Do not seek help from the nearest Cool or Badass Black Guy, as he will be easily felled by the monster/deranged lunatic/demon/alien. Instead, look for the Rich White Pretty Boy, as with some ridiculous instance of luck with slay afore-mentioned monster/deranged lunatic/demon/alien.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-11-11 07:22pm

I'd make mention of several other rules, but they belong to book horror rather than movie horror.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2003-11-11 07:52pm

Never leave home without your trusty knife missle.

Beaker · Post by **Beaker** » 2003-11-11 08:28pm

Never wear your worst underwear when you are just going out for a quiet drink with friends...you nearly always score with the opposite sex...and when they get your trousers down...eargh

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-11-11 10:01pm

Beaker wrote:Never wear your worst underwear when you are just going out for a quiet drink with friends...you nearly always score with the opposite sex...and when they get your trousers down...eargh

Eh, how is that a horror movie rule, again?

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-11-11 10:06pm

Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Beaker wrote:Never wear your worst underwear when you are just going out for a quiet drink with friends...you nearly always score with the opposite sex...and when they get your trousers down...eargh
Eh, how is that a horror movie rule, again?

Would you like to pull your pants down in front of your girlfriend and she see Pikachu on your undies.

Beaker · Post by **Beaker** » 2003-11-11 10:24pm

Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Beaker wrote:Never wear your worst underwear when you are just going out for a quiet drink with friends...you nearly always score with the opposite sex...and when they get your trousers down...eargh
Eh, how is that a horror movie rule, again?

You wouldn't want to be killed in bright purple Y-Fronts would you...not very fetching on the morticians slab

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-11-11 10:57pm

Montcalm wrote:
Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Beaker wrote:Never wear your worst underwear when you are just going out for a quiet drink with friends...you nearly always score with the opposite sex...and when they get your trousers down...eargh
Eh, how is that a horror movie rule, again?
Would you like to pull your pants down in front of your girlfriend and she see Pikachu on your undies.

And yet, this still doesn't connect with horror films for me. *shrug*

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-11-12 06:36am

Montcalm wrote:
Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:
Montcalm wrote:All The Rules Here
Holy crap, I had no idea there was a bigger list! Cool!

P.S. Who the hell is that in your av?
Kelly Brook

One of Englands best exports!

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-11-12 12:16pm

You can add Camp Crystal Lake to that geographical list, as well as Haddonfield, Illinois. Anyone know which movies Haddonfield comes from?

Majin Gojira · Post by **Majin Gojira** » 2003-11-12 02:31pm

"Halloween" and several of its sequels.

They should also add all of New England (not just Maine) as well as the state of California.

Death from the Sea · Post by **Death from the Sea** » 2003-11-12 03:03pm

Montcalm wrote:
Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote: P.S. Who the hell is that in your av?
Kelly Brook

looks kinda like Xena a.k.a. Lucy Lawless

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-11-12 04:00pm

Wow, no mention of cleavage. I'm shocked. See? Me--->