The Funny Quotes thread

[JME2]

Post anything in anyway funny or annoying from anything and anywhere.

[JME2]

Here, I'll start it off. This one's from the silly (and therefore hilarious) anime series Samurai Pizza Cats :

"Anybody got a flashlight?"

"Not me."

"Great, a fully functioning, cybernetic, technologically advanced team of superheroes...and NOBODY'S GOT A FLASHLIGHT!?!"[/i][/i]

[InnerBrat]

"Ray, when someone asks you if you are a God, you say YES!"

[Batman]

"Hey-no guts, no glory!"
"No brains."
"No kidding."

"Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill? "
" Well, I haven't killed you yet. "

"Next time you die, and I collect the money."

[Dalton]

"When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend." - Sgt. Detritus

[Durandal]

"Six foot four! I didn't know they stacked shit that high!"
-Drill Sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, commenting on a private's height.

[Batman]

"These men have a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them"

"I want to meet your parents and pat your dog... "
"My parents are dead Topper, my dog ate them. "

"What'd I do? "
"You killed the car. "

[Bertie Wooster]

Mr. Blonde: "If you're talking like a bitch, I'm gonna slap you like a bitch."

[Perinquus]

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

[Perinquus]

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

[Sir Sirius]

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe.
-- Richard Gere, to The Guardian (UK), June 2002

[Vertigo1]

SG-1:

Hammond: COLONEL O'NIELL! What in the hell do you think you are doing?!
Jack: In the middle of my BACKSWING!

*Teal'C opens flap on cell door*
Jack: Lucy! I'm home!
Teal'C: I am not Lucy!
Jack: Its from an old TV show called I Love Lucy....nevermind, open the damn door!

Daniel: You realize that we can't tell anyone how we got this cure, right?
Jack: Damn! There goes my chance to get on Opera!
Teal'C: What is an Opera?

Farscape:

Aeryn: "I've got a woody!"
*Crichton gives her a wierd look*
Aeryn: "You know, a woody! When you feel like someone is making you nervous they give you..."
Crichton: "The willies! They give you the willies!"

Crichton: "Welcome aboard the spaceship S.S. Buttcrack!"

Crichton: We power the screen to 62%, get in the same position we were in the first time the beam hit, then we moon the Helosians and hope they'll shoot us again.
D'Argo: Are you sure about this, John.
Crichton: Nope.
D'Argo: Another blast could kill us.
Crichton: Yep.

*Crichton (in Aeryn's body) unzips the top vest and starts shaking Aeryn's boobs and starts laughing*
*Chiana (in D'Argo) and Aeryn (in Rygel) show up while he's doing this*
Aeryn (in Rygel): What are you doing?
Crichton: What? Oh come on man! There here! There right here! Guys DREAM about this sort of thing!
Chiana (in D'Argo): Men...
Crichton: You, are mentally damaged!

[Admiral Valdemar]

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe.
-- Richard Gere, to The Guardian (UK), June 2002

I LOVED that quote.

[RedImperator]

Now would I put something I wrote in this thread? Yes indeed, I sure would.

“You’re jealous of Jess,” said Miguel.
“And just what the fuck do I have to be jealous of?”
“She’s cutting in on your turf,” said Miguel, between alternating sips of his soda and coffee. “You’re supposed to be the one Kim comes to when she’s upset, not some cupcake who’s out to munch Kim’s carpet.”
“Could you have picked,” said Elijah, “A more disgusting phrase?”
“Sure. For example--”
“No. Just...no. Stop right there.”

She was apparently a reporter but she looked awfully young and disheveled for a professional camera monkey.

Background on this next one: in a short story I'm working on right now, everybody in the world regresses physically to age 21 overnight, which as a side effect cures and illness or wound someone might have picked up in the intervening years. The catch is, anything that happened to someone before they turned 21 remains.

“May Day only cured people who got hurt after they turned twenty-one, you fucking idiot,” said Maggie from the bedroom door. She was leaning on her walker, legs swaddled in braces, wearing an expression of pure hate. “I was hit when I was nineteen.” Her eyes were red and puffy. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to find out you’ve been left out of the big miracle?”
I fished for something comforting to say. “Uh, well, you won’t be left out forever. I, uh, I mean, other people are going to start getting crippled again soon, right?” Maggie looked at me for a moment with her mouth opening and closing like a fish, then she burst into tears and hobbled back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. George punctuated the moment by dry heaving into the trash can.

[Shinova]

I forget who the guy was and I don't know the exact quote but:


Guy: Hey Vazquez, has anyone ever mistaken you for a guy?

Vazquez: No. Have you?

[Bill Door]

'As the current captain, my course of action is clear. I've got to organize a mutiny' --Sam Starfall Freefall

[HemlockGrey]

"My left gives. My center yields. Situation excellant, I shall attack." -Foch

[Chardok]

Chardok: I'll have to check my TTT novelization. (Referring to something that happened in RoTK.)

[Montcalm]

Not funny or annoying but this is quite true.

God already left Africa (Tears from the sun)

[Lord Pounder]

"You are the messiah, You are. And i should know I've followed a few"

"Freedoms not free of dumb"

[2000AD]

Slab? Just say: AAAAGHHH NO NO PLEASE NOOOOOOO*whack*
-Sgt Detritus' subtle anti-drug campaign poster.

I'm not too good at thinking of quotes off the top of my head so i'll just trot out my Library of Possible Sigs (again):

Wormholes are statistically possible via quantum mechanics. However, that doesn't count for much. By QM, it is also statistically possible that you will spontaneously teleport to Jupiter.
Darth Wong

Keep an open mind, but not so open that the brain falls out. - Chuck Sonnenburg

There is no need to add commentary to that page when a typical hamster could easily figure out what's wrong with it.
-Darth Wong on Darkstar's turbolaser vs handphase page.

Since the Force is an integral part of what makes a Jedi a Jedi, I agree that the "No Force" condition commonly stipulated in these kinds of crossovers is stupid.
Perhaps the thread should have been titled "Ranger vs a Jedi with both arms tied behind his back".
-Darth Wong

Panaka is a cop. That window could have been on PCP and come right back up itching for a fight after just one shot. A cop makes sure the perp stays down, even if the perp is a window.
Patric Ogaard on why Panaka shot the window more than once.

There's already an Alien vs. Predator conversion for Warcraft. It's called StarCraft.
Slartibartfast

In other words, he's just a whore who puts words on paper for money.
DPDarkprimus on KJA

That's insulting and demeaning to whore's everywhere.
Stormbringer's response to the above

It's like a live grenade. Quick, Ted, go jump on it and take one for the team.
Cal Wright

Come on now, let's be fair. They're French. 25% of the country is probably just hedging their bets in case they have to surrender to them.
Darth Wong

Fascinating. The Reality Check seems to have bounced.
Hemlock Grey

Allright; but one day that ass is gonna blow. And when it does, i just hope your not mooning someone you care about!
Futurama Mechanic

Earth first, make Mars our bitch!
Dale Gribble

Pal, your ahead of exactly two things right now. Jack and shit. I hate to tell you this, but Jack left town.
Cal Wright

First and for most the Star Destroyer's are not 1600 meters long they are longer then that they are over a mile long.
Nol Tel Sete - Idiot that e-mailed Dalton

Terminator has the speed and agility of young Marlon Brando. Robocop has the speed agility of present-day Marlon Brando.
Termie wins.
Admiral Kanos On T-800 vs Robo-cop

Its basically properganda. That may not be the most apropeite word but as you can see (or can't) it specifically targets each of DarkStars comments and comes up with reasons why it would not be true.
Chas_2003's reason for not reading Ossus' site after asking for evidence that Darkstar's site had been refuted

I agree that the Empire has more power. I agree the Empire has faster ships, I agree the Empire can have better shields, the Empire can have better Sensors, better Communications, better everything.
I have read the descriptions. I agree that the Empire has all of these things. That still does not prove that the Empire can beat the Federation in a war
SAR2

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone
Billy Connoly


Never take an idiot with you, you can always pick one up when you get there.
Billy COnnoly

THe problem with generals is that when you say "you and whose army?" all they have to do is point out of the window.
Monstrous Regiment

Pain Heals.
Chicks dig scars.
Glory, lasts for ever.
-Shane Falco

No, you just jumped all over him like a Ethopian famine victim on twinkie.
-Stormbringer

The reason why Zaia may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer is that Kelly used all the others to stab her in the back
-Stravo

So Fundie girls are prostitutes that accept payment in souls rather then dollars?
-Sir Sirius


Wow, if I had your ability to jump to conclusions, I'd put on a costume and
fight crime.
-Chuck Sonnenburg

"Oh no! A bunch of pasty-faced geeks who sit inside all day masturbating to their scale models of Klingon battleships don't agree with me?! Where DID I leave that bottle of cyanide?"
-Kynes

"Remember, you can't polish a turd."
-Wayne Poe

"Yo John, biggy says that if it's any consolation he'll shove the sofa up your ass."
"Well that's very nic- wha?!"
-House of Rock

[Mitth`raw`nuruodo]

"I'm sure a lot of Koreans are women."

-Me

There's actually a story behind that.... THere was a discussion about women gamers, someone brought up Starcraft. Many people in Korea play Starcraft, judging by things I've heard, and some of those Koreans are bound to be women, so... yeah.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

Playboy and Penthouse are being pulled from the shelves, thanks to an unholy alliance between Bible-thumping reactionaries and militant lesbians. Talk about strange bedfellows. They say these magazines shouldn't be sold because they're degrading to women. Well, if they're sincere, they should also ban the sales of ultra-marine turquoise eyeshadow. What could be more degrading than to walk the streets looking like a tropical fish with a hangover? -A. Whitney Brown

"You don't know anything about Christianity!"
"I know enough to exploit it!"
-Cartman

"I don't know how to tell you this, but I love you guys. Except for Kyle."
-Cartman

[Singular Quartet]

My most disturbing/funniest quotes:

The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
-H. P. Lovecraft

Who is more responsible, the tyrant who oppresses the people, or the
people who produce the tyrant?
-Praxedis Guerrero

WHITE SUPERIORITY, n. The fond dream of those whose existence is the
strongest evidence against it.
-Robert Tefton

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to
escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.
-Marcus Aurelius

One two three four Every night we pray for war. Five six seven eight
Rape. Kill. Mutilate.
-U.S. Marine Corps training chant, Camp Pendelton, 1989

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is
but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was
yesterday.
-Alexander Pope

Is god willing to prevent evil but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and
willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then
why call him god?
-Epicurus

There is no god; there is only the real world with its ugliness and
beauty and violence and peace and happiness and pain. If the world is to
be made beautiful and peaceful and happy, "God" won't do it. We will.
-Fred Woodworth

We should always be disposed to believe that which appears white is
really black, if the hierarchy of the Church so decides.
-St. Ignatius Loyola, Spiritual Exercises

The Bible is one of 27 books for which divine origin is claimed.
Christians deny the divinity of all bibles but their own. We [atheists]
deny the divinity of only one more than they do.
-Charles Smith

Little children who have begun to live in their mother's womb and have
their died, or who, having just been born, have passed away from the
world without the sacrament of holy baptism, must be punished by the
eternal torture of undying fire.
-St. Fulgentius

We preach peace, forgiveness, tolerance and love. We practice vengeance,
persecution, hatred and domination. My personal beliefs are supported
and validated by my convictions. Oh, and never forget .... my religion
is truth, yours is a lie.
-Paraphrased Defintition of Religion

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt
up after being drunk all night.
-Isaac Asimov

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea
is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both
of them together is certain death.
-George Carlin

God says do what you wish, but make the wrong choice and you will be
tortured for eternity in hell. That sir, is not free will. It would be
akin to a man telling his girlfriend, do what you wish, but if you
choose to leave me, I will track you down and blow your brains out. When
a man says this we call him a psychopath and cry out for his
imprisonment/execution. When god says the same we call him "loving" and
build churches in his honor.
-William C. Easttom II, skeptic@icon.net

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?
-Jules Feiffer

Anyone who can worship a trinity and insist that his religion is a
monotheism can believe anything... just give him time to rationalize it.
-Robert A. Heinlein, JOB: A Comedy of Justice

...your belief in God is merely an escape from your monotonous, stupid
and cruel life.
-Krishnamurti

I thought, if I murdered them all, my family would all go to heaven, and
at least later on, I would have a chance to go to heaven; however, if I
committed suicide, it would be 100% automatic that I would go to hell.
-John List, who murdered his mother, wife and three children

The major contribution of Protestant thought to the knowledge of mankind
is its massive proof that God is a bore.
-H.L. Mencken

Jesus' last words on the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken
me?" hardly seem like the words of a man who planned it that way. It
doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure there is something wrong here.
-Rev. Donald Morgan

There is something feeble and a little contemptable about a man who
cannot face the perils of life without the help of comfortable myths.
Almost inevitably some part of him is aware that they are myths and that
he believes them only because they are comforting. But he dare not face
this thought! Moreover, since he is aware, however dimly, that his
opinions are not real, he becomes furious when they are disputed.
-Bertrand Russell, Human Society in Ethics and Politics

More than half the college students polled in three states, including
California, said they are creationists who believe that God created Adam
and Eve, while about one-third believe in aliens, Big Foot and the lost
city of Atlantis. ...The poll results, released yesterday by Texas
researchers, also indicated that students who believe in creationism are
less likely to read books, tend to be more politically conservative and
have a lower grade-point average than students who dispute that God
created Earth in six days. ...Last fall, about 1000 students attending
colleges in Texas, Connecticut and California filled out detailed
questionnaire on their beliefs. ...In Texas, 71 percent of students said
they believe in the story of Adam and Eve, while 51 percent in
Connecticut and 47 percent in California said they believed in the
biblical first couple. An average of 44 percent of the students in the
three states said the story of Noah's Ark is true. About one-third of
all the students surveyed believed that Big Foot, a hairy man- like
creature reputed to live in the mountains of northwest America, actually
exists. An equal number believed in the lost city of Atlantis, a
legendary island of advanced civilization that supposedly sank into the
ocean. Thirty percent of the students responding to the survey said
aliens from outer space visited Earth in ancient times. Overall, 37
percent said they believed in ghosts, and 39 percent said it is possible
to communicate with the dead.
-San Francisco Chronicle, 3 November 1986 (UPI)

Two recent surveys rate the United States at the top among Western
nations in belief in God and at the bottom among six major countries in
school kids' understanding of science and math. This could be dismissed
as chance, but it shouldn't be. While our economic competitors' schools
are teaching students advanced math and science, many of our schools are
wasting energy debating whether to teach evolution or creationism, which
maintains that God created the universe over a six-day period about
6,000 years ago.
-Bill Mandel, San Francisco Examiner, 12 February 1989

Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place
in organized religion.
-School Superintendent on "The Simpsons" episode #100, 1994

Among mammals, a virgin birth (parthenogenesis) can only produce female
offspring, for chromosomal reasons. Messiahs are mammals. Therefore,
Jesus was... On the other hand, among turkeys, the chromosomal situation
is such that all products of virgin birth are males. So if Jesus was a
male, he might also have been... (Zindler's own punctuations)
-Frank Zindler, in a note to the debate Does god exist? with John Koster

Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck.

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody
listens.

The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the
wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and
thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father.
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it
there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a
herring isn't wet." "If its just painted its still wet." "But -- " I
sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't whistle!!"
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
-Leo Rosten, The Joys of Yiddish

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
-Mark Twain

"Who is it laughing at man? Ivan! For the last time, once and for all,
is there a God or not? I ask for the last time." "And for the last time
I say there is no God." "Who is laughing at mankind, Ivan?" "It must be
the devil," answered Ivan smiling. "And the devil? Does he exist?" "No,
there's no devil either."
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

[Enterprise] is a level of quality science fiction we haven't seen since Flesh Gordon.
-Walter Sochack

As an obvious outsider, what is your opinion on the human race?

I can communicate with 2-year olds. I can communicate with dogs. I can
even communicate with ants. There are some fine points I can't get
across to an ant. For example, if I try to discuss orbital mechanics
with an ant, it's not going to follow the conversation. It wouldn't be
interested, anyhow. But roll a dead caterpillar over to an ant and it
gets their attention. The situation with transcendantly advanced god-beings
trying to communicate with mere humans would be similar.
-Bob Jenkins

[HemlockGrey]

By my plans was Sparta shorn of her glory
And holy Messenia recieved back her glory
By the arms of Thebes was Megalopolis fortified
And all of Greece became independent and free.
-Epaminondas

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.
-J. Bartlett Brebner