The Funny Quotes thread

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-11-13 10:08pm

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Beaker · Post by **Beaker** » 2003-11-13 10:15pm

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead! In peace there's nothing so becomes a man As modest stillness and humility; But when the blast of war blows in our ears, Then imitate the action of the tiger: Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood.

--William Shakespeare King Henry V , Act 3 scene 1

Not very funny but I love it

Crazy Goji · Post by **Crazy Goji** » 2003-11-13 10:15pm

"It's a cabin in Tennessee! What'd you expect to find, normal things?" -friend commenting on Evil Dead 2

That friend of mine has a strange outlook on life, I have to say.

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-11-13 10:40pm

"Excuse me, but are you in a play?" -- Questions to countless Scadians over the decades when we go out to BurgerKing (or similar) in full Court Dress

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-11-13 11:27pm

Scandians?

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-11-14 01:43am

From Red vs Blue:

Donut: Look at it! It's not pink...it's more of a...lightish red.

Grif: You know what? They already have a colour for lightish red. It's called pink.

Donut: I hate you guys.

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-11-14 02:09am

DPDarkPrimus wrote:Scandians?

Scadian = SCAdian = Society for Creative Anachronism.

Vertigo1 · Post by **Vertigo1** » 2003-11-14 03:24pm

IRONMAN: Tip #13: Don't buy a major name brand PC. They are full of spyware from the factory and often the keyboard driver itself is spyware.

(note: IRONMAN is someone that I highly suspect is Dorkstar on Kali.)

[13:41] [mi]*Derivative: Sometimes I dress up like a dog
[13:41] [mi]*Derivative: and take a dump outside.
[13:41] [mi]*Derivative: Like animals.

[13:47] ~Jupitersio~: he's full of Shit
[13:48] [mi]*Derivative: I really am.

[13:42] [mi]*Derivative: If I can't go outside, I just dump in the bag.
[13:42] [mi]*Derivative: and use it as a pillow at night.

(those are not edited in any way...other than removing the <> so they aren't parsed as HTML)

Oddity · Post by **Oddity** » 2003-11-14 05:34pm

From my personal collection:

"Keep the world tidy, shoot a fundie."

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common - instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views. This can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering."
- Dr. Who

"It takes a kind of shabby arrogance to survive in our time, and a fairly romantic nature to want to."
- Edgar Z. Friedenberg

"The great are great to us only because we are on our knees. Let us arise."
- Robert Collier

"The Internet is the greatest weapon since the printing press."

"The moment you become the monster under your bed, you don't have to fear it."
- Alice Cooper

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-11-14 07:40pm

JME2 wrote:Post anything in anyway funny or annoying from anything and anywhere.

Look at my sig.

JME2 · Post by **JME2** » 2003-11-14 07:42pm

Got another one. You wanna see a sexy chick?

El Moose Monstero · Post by **El Moose Monstero** » 2003-11-14 08:14pm

All quoted from 'I'm sorry, I'll read that again'. A 50's or 60's radio program with Graham Garden, John Cleese, Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke Taylor and a few others who I forget, the most memorable lines come from the Macbeth parody.

"A few moments ago, I thought I noticed a hollow."
"Hullow..."
"There it is again..."

...

"Macbeth!"
"Gasp, you know my name?"
"No, just an inspired guess."
"You evil creature..."
"Yes. We can."
"I hear you can fortell the future..."

...

"Thou shalt be king hereafter, and you Banquo. You, will not be king, yet you will be royal."
"Oooh, I'm going to be Queen."

...

"And thou shalt be Thane of Glams, and Thane of Cawdor."
"Thane? Thane! What the hell's a thane?"

...

"Arghh, is this a dagger I see before?"
"No."
"Oh, is this a dagger?"
"Yes, and with it go, and carve your name on Duncan's throne."
"And so, Macbeth went to do what he had to do, then he went to Duncan's bedroom."
*knock knock*
"Hark, Duncan, art thou within, even as thou slumber wilt thou perish, die for Macbeth shall claim thy throne, prepare to die, Duncan, say now your final words..."
"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep in here..."
"Are you in bed?"
"Yes."
"I'm coming in."
"No, there's not room for two."
"Ah, I've come to stab you, take this, Duncan..."
*boom*
"I was right, it wasnt a dagger."

...

"At this, Lady Macbeth began wailing..."
"Tharr she blows!"

...

"Macbeth, you shall be king, till Burnam wood comes to Dunsinane."
"Muahahaha..."
"What's so funny? Oh, sorry, I thought you said I would be king till my granny got on to the gasstove and now she's riding the range."

Good stuff, I think it repeats on BBC Radio 7 these days. Listen to it if you're in the UK.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-11-14 08:26pm

The ruling passion, be it what it will,
the ruling passion conquers reason still.
--- Alexander Pope

Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry,
Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.
--- Shakespeare

Passion often makes a madman of the cleverest
man, and renders the greatest fools clever.
--- La Rouchefoucauld

She weaves the winding-sheets of souls, and lays
them in the urn of everlasting death.
--- Pollok

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-11-14 09:33pm

The_Lumberjack wrote: "Macbeth!"
"Gasp, you know my name?"
"No, just an inspired guess."
"You evil creature..."
"Yes. We can."
"I hear you can fortell the future..."

ROFL!

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-11-15 12:08am

Me, to a friend on the piano;
No, you idiot! Play it heavy!

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-11-15 01:39am

"I've just been to California oooh God's got it in for California.

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2003-11-15 02:40am

Light a man a fire, keep him warm for the night.
Light a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

SAMAS · Post by **SAMAS** » 2003-11-15 11:26am

[quote="Singular Quartet"]Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry,
Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.
--- Shakespeare[quote]

I just realized that this is a request for oral sex.

Ignorant_Boy · Post by **Ignorant_Boy** » 2003-11-15 02:16pm

SAMAS wrote:
Singular Quartet wrote:Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry,
Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.
--- Shakespeare

I just realized that this is a request for oral sex.

Well, Shakespeare was a dirly old man. Which work is that quote from anyway?

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2003-11-15 02:56pm

"Their biggest sin is stupidity and these people believe in magic?" - Durandal

"No prizes for guessing the time on the moon or the colour of the grass on the other side" ~ Either Nick, Rye or Tony

"I don't have time to bleed" ~Blaine, Predator

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." ~The Bible, Ezekiel 23:20

"Behold! For i corrupt your seed and smear dungo n your faces!" ~The Bible, Malachi 2:3

"I really thrust that you will get your mouths shut and kneel on my feet when a decent texturer textures the ship." ~The modeller of a ship that ended up unintentionally with a distinctly phallic look to it

"Errr Jackie...M-word" ~Captain Black, Jackie Chan Adventures, on magic talismans

"The best defense against an atomic weapon is to not be there when it goes off" ~British military leaflet

"whoa" ~Several people pretending to be Neo

"Lol, it's no laughing matter really" ~HOTTEST DIGGEDY DOG EVER

--my chatroom quotes--

"tiyz,Its VERY clear from the Bible ALL teachings about God other then from the Bible are FALSE" ~JohnnyAngel425458

"Rye,I dont care what the "dictionary defines;ONLY the Bible" ~JohnnyAngel425458

"the Bible is VERY clear,it isnt the Christian who is ignorant;its the unbelieving" ~JohnnyAngel007

----

"Then, DIE!" ~Gozer the Traveller, Ghostbusters

"That, is one big pile of shit" ~ Dr.Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park

"I just can't believe the universe evolved from a single celled organism" ~Some fundie from fstdt

"www.chick.com

You can all get some tracks at that website above. They are pretty cheap, and have a very good message."~Godsgal, Nukeweb

"Well God isn't making them work. Satan's the only thing left." ~Matt AKA 1suprjesusfreak on different religions in his own forum dedicated to different religions

"His custom title should be changed to "Mecha Fanwhore"" ~GAT on Sea Skimmer's new custom title in an ancient SEGNOR thread about changing custom titles

Dorsk 81 · Post by **Dorsk 81** » 2003-11-15 06:25pm

"Save the tress, wipe your ass with a chainsaw"

"Bullets should cost $5000, then people would think twice about killing people 'I would shoot you in the head......if I could afford it'" (or something similar)

"Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like fucking Shaft"

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2003-11-15 07:15pm

It's 40km to Moscow, we've got a PzIII full of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it."

Dahak · Post by **Dahak** » 2003-11-15 07:43pm

From a German law book:
"Export determinations are declarations of declarations which declare declarations."

(Ausfuhrbestimmungen sind Erklärungen von Erklärungen, die Erklärungen erlären)

The utter looniess of this isn't even distorted by a translation

CaptainChewbacca · Post by **CaptainChewbacca** » 2003-11-15 11:37pm

Here's some:

Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god.
-Jean Rostand

.

^That one is here for the pure badassitude of it.

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
-Joseph Stalin

With lines like that, I wonder why Stalin didn't make the cut for a priest?

Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.
-Sir Thomas Beecham

Well, folk dancing wasn't so bad, so...

The young people of today love luxury. They have bad manners, they scoff at authority and lack respect for their elders. Children nowadays are really tyrants, they no longer stand up when their elders come into the room where they are sitting, they contradict their parents, chat together in the presence of adults, eat gluttonously and tyrannise their teachers.

-Socrates, 470 BC

I guess some things don't change, eh Socrates?

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-11-16 11:36am

The glory of konsumprodukt aka Jesus Mohammed Adolf Karviainen*

You're just jealous because YOUR bluewhale did NOT wreck half of the Communist Fleet.

I couldn't help it! The AK sort of just materialized in my hand, and then Sauron, Darth Vader and Voldemort mindcontrolled me with six-hundred sixty-six dark archons!

FICTION: I have a girlfriend

*Not real name, but he'd really like you to call him that.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

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