Ashes of the Galaxy

[Kuja]

"Captain Kork"

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

Chapter 5


Aspetay. A boring, completely orthodox planet. It didn't have a native intelligence species, it was just colonized. It had didn't invent any new technology. It hadn't produced any notable scientists, writers, philosophers, mass murderers, or anyone of note. It played no real role in galactic politics except for a tiny voice among millions. And compared to Corascaunt's quadrillion population, with only 900 billion inhabitants it could be described as sparsely populated.

But was about to get a whole kriffin' more sparsely populated, thought Admiral MKSheppard. He had brought his fleet to this dirtball for one reason. It was supplying the rebels. And it wasn't to 'overthrow the evil Empire and restore freedom to the galaxy.' It was because the rebels were desperate and they could rack up prices for equipment as high as they wanted. They were nothing more than greedy kriffin' bastards. And that was why he ordered a Base Delta Zero Operation.

Onboard his massive Executor class Command Ship Revenger he watched the planet die. As the first few turbolasers struck the surface he knew tens of millions were killed instantly. And then more turbolasers struck, first burning all sentient life off the surface, then all life on the surface, and finally, the surface itself was burned off. It was hilarious.

But still MKSheppard longed for something bigger. While the planet he attacked a few days ago did have a population of 2 trillion it was still pathetic. Ever since the so called 'New Republic' had been driven out of the core worlds and the quadrillion sized populations that MKSheppard longed to destroy, terrorizing and murdering worlds was not as fun.

"Sir," a lieutenant said, interrupting his thinking. "Lord Wong is contacting you over the holonet. New orders apparently."

MKSheppard's eyebrows went up. "New orders? It's about kriffing time! Activate holoprojectors!"

Instantly a image of Lord Wong appeared in full colour. Officially no military holnet communications were supposed to be in colour other then blue, but he was a Fleet Admiral and no one cared enough to change anything. "How may I serve you, my Lord?" asked Shep politely, a rare thing only reserved for superiors.

Darth Wong sighed at MKSheppard's obvious ass kissing. "You've got a new assignment. A wormhole has been discovered that leads to a new galaxy."

MKSheppard’s jaw dropped. "is it inhabited?"

Darth Wong nodded. "Yes, we know little about them. There's no galactic government apparently. In the immediate area around the wormhole there's only a group of small regional powers with only a few hundred worlds. Their technology is quite inferior to us. They don't even have hyperdrive, just a strange subspace based system that is quite slow."

"Sounds like a bunch of savages sir," MKSheppard commented. "what are my orders my Lord?"

"You are to gather information about them and access the forces needed for an invasion. We're transmitting the coordinates to the wormhole now. Further instructions will be given when you arrive."

"Yes" sir. What forces do we have in this new galaxy?"

"Only a single Imperator, the Killing Stuff. They're the ones who discovered the wormhole and have been scouting out the region. You are to take what information they've gathered and add them to your fleet. And to oversee this operation you will take aboard my apprentice, Darth Durandal. Darth Wong out."

MKSheppard turned off the holoprojector and smiled evilly. A whole new galaxy to attack! Oh sure, they might not be as advanced as the Empire but anything with a ship was a target and a galaxy could contain a lot of ships. And of course planets to BDZ, and there’d be no complains about wiping out a bunch of barbaric aliens a million light-years way. having to take orders from this Darth Durandal wouldn't be the greatest, but he was sure he would get along fine with him.


On board the bridge of the Killing Stuff, Nitram watched a assault transport full of elite stormtroopers approach the disabled alien ship and several others stand off ready to assist. "Status of transports?" he asked.

"Assault Transport Bravo 1 preparing for final hostile boarding operations. Bravo 2, 4 and 5 ready for quick strike boarding if needed," a lieutenant told him.

Kaz walked up beside him. "Captain I must voice my concern about this operation. Should we be risking valuable Stormtroopers on an alien ship that may be heavily defended? I think a company of SD-10 Wardroids would be the best option!"

Nitram laughed. "Oh relax Kaz! Scans indicate there's only about 20 or so people onboard. Besides, Lt. Dalton and his men are the best of the best. They'll get the job done."

"Maybe. But these, uh, 'Klinjons' may be the most brilliant warriors in all the galaxy! Why, compared to them our men may just be morons charging with knives."


On board Bravo 1 Lt. Rob Dalton prepared his men for combat. By prepared he of course meant gobble doughnuts while Platoon Sergeant Pablo Sanchez did all the work.

"Kriff, what the hell are we doing?" complained Pablo." Fucking Captain Asshole, sending us to take this alien ship. Sithspit, in normal boarding operations the first group has a lifespan of 20 seconds or less!"

"Shut up Pablo," ordered Dalton. "Fucking pessimist. This much be the 500th time you've said we're going to die."

"Way more then that, and besides, you, me and Wilkens are the only ones who haven't been kriffing killed. And the only reason you're still alive is because you stay behind the front lines and eat your kriffing doughnuts."

"Is that right? Well guess what fucker, you get to be the first lucky soldier to enter this new alien ship! Take Private David with you, he's a nobody. Now fuck off and die." With that, Dalton retreated to the cockpit.

"Kriffing bastard," swore Pablo, walking up to the airlock, which was now attached to an alien one.

"You can enter first, sir," offered David.

"Piss off, I'm not a 'sir' and you know that ass kisser. You can-hey!" shouted Pablo as David slammed him into the airlock and closed the door. Swearing at the top of his lungs and promising to kill David a hundred different and painful ways, he gulped as he saw the door to the alien ship open.

So he did the best combat tactic he could think of. He flicked his blaster rifle to full automatic, rushed forward and fired madly.

The results were apparent. Of a 500 shot clip, 498 hit the walls, floor and various objects, and blew huge holes in everything. 2 shots however actually hit an enemy. Kahy'ear had gone down from the bridge to stop the invaders. As soon as he had spotted Pablo he went for his disrupter. Unfortunately, a blaster bolt nailed his arm and blew most of it off, leaving a small stump. A grunt named Ratochina didn't even get a chance to react before getting shot in the chest and killed instantly.

As the rest of his men rushed in to find out the fate of their sergeant, Pablo looked over to the alien on the ground clutching what was left of his arm.

"Looks like we got ourselves a prisoner!"


After shipping Kahy'ear to the Killing Stuff for brutal torture, and shipping the traitor David into space for a brutal death, Pablo was ready to advance. However a Klingon warrior came through the doors to the room, sent by Kork to check to see if they were being boarded or not. Pablo laughed at the Klingon's bat'leth and pulled the trigger of his blaster rifle. But he hadn't bothered to change the clip yet and empty gun didn't fire. The Klingon warrior advanced and sliced down at him, and he narrowly dodged it.

The Klingon sliced horizontally this time. Pablo rolled to the side. Hitting nothing, the Klingon's swing continued until he slammed into the wall. Dazed, he turned back to attack again, only to find in front of his face a reloaded blaster rifle.

"Tu Cha!" the Klingon cried. His brains smacked against the wall instantly, and dripped to the floor.

"Tu Cha yourself, you kriffing son of a bitch!" spit Pablo.

The platoon advanced, finding nothing but empty rooms. But at the door to the corridor that their scans revealed lead to the main bridge, they encountered a problem. With the rest of the men a safe distance away, PFC Expendable opened the door. Before his brain could even register the picture his eyes sent his body flew backward with a dozen disrupter wounds.

"Ah Kriff, I liked him," said Pablo. "Judging by his wounds, we'll probably lose half the men taking that corridor."

Wilkens spoke up. "I have a suggestion sir. We can have one squad lay down covering fire while another advances. Then we have another draw the enemy away and then the last will flank them and cut them off. We can then-"

Pablo stopped him. "I have another idea." He armed a thermal detonator, and chucked through the door. Diving to the floor and covering his head, he heard shouting, a bang, then nothing. Smiling, he got up and checked. There was no evidence of defenders but bloodstains.

"All right, we're going to take the bridge," Pablo said to his men. "Now these are likely the top brass guys, and we need some prisoners! Set to stun only, or I'll send you straight to hell you fuckers!"

They burst into the bridge and started firing. Pablo spotted a Klingon fire off his disrupter at him. Leveling his blaster rifle, he fired 3 quick shots and the Klingon dropped. Glancing at the smoking wound on the Klingon's chest, Pablo cursed and switched to stun himself. He fired off full auto shots and nearly hit his own men, though you could blast away with stun bolts since they were neither power consuming nor had real recoil.

The fight was a cakewalk. The Klingons had tried to use melee weapons, which weren't very effective against automatic weapons. There were only two casualties. An unlucky private had a knife through into his face and died instantly. Wilkens took a shoulder wound to one of the few Klingons on the bridge that had used a gun. He had proceeded to kick the stunned body.

"Wilkens! You know the rules about beating prisoners! Wait until their conscious at least!" Wilkens stopped kicking and instead dragged the body back to the shuttle so it could be taken unto the ship.

Pablo was quite dismayed. While anyone else would be happy at such an easy fight, he was smarter. Every fight from now on could only get harder and harder. Kriffing army. He spit on a control panel and returned back to the shuttle.

[Captain Cyran]

I think you captured Dalton's personality best...

Good chapter by the way, got some chuckes.

*bolts out of the room before Dalton kills him.*

[Kuja]

Poor David.

[consequences]

You know, putting 498 E-11 blasts into the walls of a Klingon ship would probably create a tunnel straight through the vessel.

[Singular Quartet]

You know, putting 498 E-11 blasts into the walls of a Klingon ship would probably create a tunnel straight through the vessel.

Oh, hush you. We'll ahve none of that "logic" crap when discussing this fanfic!

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

You know, putting 498 E-11 blasts into the walls of a Klingon ship would probably create a tunnel straight through the vessel.

First, it wasn't a E-11, it was a blaster rifle like a A-280 or a DLT-19. Second, as I've said to Kaz many times, artistic license.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

Remember, vote AOG in the upcoming GSDA! I need your support! Emperor Stravo may have overthrown the Chuck Republic and replaced it with the Starcrossed Empire, but the Humor Alliance is still free!


Chapter 6

Starvo already hated commanding the Enterprise. It was utter hell trying to get replacements for his bridge crew, engineer, doctor, and councilor. Starfleet was not going to waste good officers on a doomed ship. He had a feeling his crew replacements was going to be a terrible collection of morons and madmen.

First, his Executive Officer arrived. A young Commander Alyeska. He was short, wearing the standard Federation uniform. Apparently he had assaulted an officer had a lot of leverage in Starfleet Personnel, which explained why he had gotten assigned here. Next was Lt. Commander Chris O'Farrel, new tactical officer. Apparently he had secretly used his last starship's computer to steal large sums of money (in latinum of course, not worthless credits). The final bridge officer to arrive was a Lt. Cyran, the helmsman, whose file said he was incompetent and slightly mad. However of the other replacements, only a Chief Engineer named Sothis beamed aboard.

"Where the fuck is the rest of my officers?" demanded Stravo. "I can't run a fucking ship without a doctor and a councilor!"

"Starfleet is reporting a personnel shortage" explained Alyeska. "I'm afraid you're going to make do with us."

"Bloody hell, what a fucking lie," said Stravo. "As if this goddamn ship didn't have enough problems. Alright O'Farrell, you can be our doctor."

"I'm not a doctor," replied Chris. "I don't know anything about medicine!"

Stravo shrugged. "Who the fuck cares? Point a tricorder at someone, give them a hypospray of some shit and stick a neural stimulator on them. That's all the other doctors do anyway. Besides, we got a brand new EMH. And Alyeska, you're our new councilor."

"What the fuck?! Hell no!" complained Alyeska. "I'd rather scrub plasma conduits."

"Oh come on you coward. Just tell people that they're great and replicate a teddy bear or something. I doubt anyone's going to live to have any nervous breakdowns."

"Do I have to do any of that shit?" asked Cyran.

"No," answered Stravo. "You and Sothis will be backups for anyone who, uh, dies."

After fixing all of the assignments, the Enterprise was ready to depart. Cyran, O'Farrell and Alyeska took their stations and Sothis left for engineering. Cyran guided the Enterprise to the Spacedock doors.

"Uh sir, looks like their are ships who get to leave before us," reported Alyeska. "I estimate a 3 hour wait before we can get to open space."

That pissed Stravo off. "3 hours? Like hell I'm waiting in line for that long. Tell the ships ahead of us that they have one chance to get the fuck out of our way."

Alyeska sent the message with little results. "Uh sir, looks like they are telling us to, er, 'fuck off.'"

"Bastards had their chance." Starvo turned to O'Farrell. "Target all ships in front of us and open fire with all phasers and quantum torpedoes."

"Sir, you can't!" objected Alyeska. "Why, it's a blatant violation of regulations, disregard for life and-"

"Oh shut up Alyeska! I gave them a warning. Besides, they're all morons anyway with crappy ships. Starfleet will benefit from their deaths. Fire."

The Enterprise was an Sovereign class starship. During the Dominion War and various Borg attacks, there were only a small number of Sovereigns because they were so advanced, and therefore very expensive to build. Starfleet had decided to focus construction on smaller, less capable but more affordable starships. However all Sovereigns that were built were extensively upgraded from the original design to make them well worth the price tag. New shield systems and armor were installed, and new weapons such as phaser strips and photon torpedo launchers (quantum torpedoes were too expensive to produce and had several drawbacks that insured they were only installed in the ventral saucer turret) and previous weapons were upgraded to the latest systems. Almost all the computer systems were replaced with newer, better ones. It made them deadly opponents able to deal with most ships in the galaxy of smaller, equal or even larger size and mass.

But Starfleet never thought that this would cause the deaths of thousands of Starfleet Officers and the loss of the most ships in peacetime ever in the history of the Federation.


Onboard the U.S.S. Junk Captain Shortie sat sipping his tea. Constantly mocked by his colleagues for his petite size, he had showed them by getting command of a brand new Intrepid, one of the fastest starships in Starfleet. At 300 meters and a crew of 150 she was hardly a Galaxy or a Sovereign but she could probably outrun both at impulse or warp, and certainly beat a old Miranda or Excelsior. His career was doing great, and the only reason he was in Spacedock was because he had taken damage while rescuing a crippled passenger ship from attacking Orion Pirates. He was on his way to even better commands, and then Admiral.

Shortie shivered slightly. "Hmm...feels a wee bit chilly here, doesn't it chaps? Computer, raise temperature by 5 degrees."

Even as Shortie started to warm up, the message from the Enterprise came in. "All ships currently waiting to exit Spacedock, please allow the Enterprise to leave immediately."

Shortie, like every other Captain in line, did not follow the order and instead sent back a reply. "That's pure bollocks, Enterprise. Now be a good sport and wait."

The message fell on deaf ears, one of many Alyeska would have to hear, and one of the more polite. However the Junk happened to be directly in front of the Enterprise, wasn't moving, and had it's shields down.

Captain Shortie didn't even live long enough to know he was dead. Before he could even begin to realize the Enterprise had locked on to the Junk, realize what that meant and order the shields to be raised, a phaser hit the bridge direct on and vaporized him, all of the other officers on and near the bridge, a part of the ship below it, and the Captain's tea. Photon torpedoes slammed into the Engineering section, directly where the warp core was. Then the entire Junk exploded in a massive anti-matter explosion.

The attacks on all the other ships were just as deadly. They were unshielded and unprepared, and the Enterprise knew how to cripple them easily. Ships continued to explode even as the Captains onboard frantically tried to figure out what was going on, to raise defenses and mount an attack.

But one ship was different. The Titanic still had its shields up from the encounter with Commander Straha and it too was a Sovereign and was far enough away from the Enterprise to take only one or two hits.


Captain Frank was, like everyone else, stunned to see a fellow Starfleet suddenly open fire and brutally attack and destroy starships and murder hundreds, perhaps thousands, of fellow officers. But then he realized that Commander Straha, who had previously assaulted and attempted to board and conquer the Titanic said he was from the Enterprise. It was a conspiracy, Frank decided. Captain Picard (or whoever now commanded the Enterprise) wanted control of Starfleet, and perhaps the entire Federation. Straha had tried to seize the Titanic and now they were trying to cripple as much as Starfleet as they could. It was certain to fail, unless they had other forces waiting to launch the coupe.

But Captain Frank wasn't going to let the Enterprise survive to contact them. "Helm, pursuit course, follow the Enterprise. Lt. Background, hail them. Order them to surrender immediately or be destroyed."

"No response," the lieutenant replied.

"Good," muttered Frank, partially to himself.

"Good?!" exclaimed Background.

"Yeah, good. If we captured them, those bastards wouldn't get hanged or shot, but sent to some fucking penal colony. This way they will pay the ultimate price for their treason. Lock weapons and open fire."


Captain Stravo was smiling at the results of the Enterprise's fire and watching the ship near the Spacedock door's when the entire ship shook from fire. Stravo cursed the useless inertial dampeners but was also confused at the attack. he had estimated that there wouldn't be any return fire until they left Spacedock at least.

"Sir, it looks like the Titanic is closing to engage us," reported Chris.

"Fuck," said Stravo. "The Titanic is a Sovereign. Why the fuck didn't you take her out?"

"I couldn't sir," explained Chris. "She had her shields up already for some reason and was too far away to hit with anything damaging."

Stravo cursed his luck. A Sovereign attacking meant there was no way they could leave Earth before reinforcements arrived. But, as he glanced over at a tactical display, he smiled. The Titanic had stopped most of its fire because the U.S.S. Nuclear Waste Disposal, disabled by the Enterprise's fire, was in the way.

"O'Farrel! Lock tractor beams on the Nuclear Waste Disposal! Keep her between us and the Titanic!" A blue tractor beam locked onto the Nuclear Waste Disposal and kept it in the way of the Titanic. The firing on the Enterprise virtually stopped and it flew through Spacedock doors easily.

Alyeska spoke up. "Sir, now that we're in open space, won't it be easy for the Titanic to move to a different angle and continue firing. We can't outmaneuver her while tractoring a starship."

Stravo just smiled, and then started to modify the tractor beam.


Captain Frank was also smiling. They were out of the damn Spacedock, where they'd been unable to hit the fucking ship. But that was over. "Helm, new course. Heading 432 mark 5. Background, as soon as you have a clear shot, open fire. That bastard isn't getting away from me."

"Aye sir," Background replied, preparing to fire the phasers and torpedoes when the Titanic finished its maneuver to fire. Frank knew that with a ship in tow, the Enterprise would maneuver like a turtle with heart stroke in Jell-O. The Titanic would be able to stop the Enterprise from escaping, and then more starships could arrive and blow it straight to hell.

But then something happened that he did not expect. The tractor beam changed somehow, and instead of pulling it pushed the Nuclear Waste Disposal away. Right into the Titanic.

Captain Frank had just enough time to curse at stupidly accepting command of a ship named the Titanic before the Nuclear Waste Disposal hit.


Watching the Titanic explode, Stravo sighed in relief. "O'Farrel, hail Spacedock. I suppose they'll want to talk with me."

On the viewscreen, an image of Fleet Admiral Valdemar appeared. He looked furious. "You fucking bastard! What the fuck do you think you're doing?! You've destroyed precious starships, murdered countless valuable officers! You...you-!"

"Shut the fuck up," interrupted Stravo. "I fucking wasn?t going to spend 3 hours in Spacedock waiting to die on this ship. As for your poor starships and officers, well, I gave them a chance to move. They refused."

Valdemar looked even angrier. "I going to enjoy your Court Martial, Stravo. You better surrender immediately or I?ll blow you out of space."

Stravo laughed. "You don't get it do you? When I got assigned to the Enterprise and heard of its death record, I decided I might need some...'leverage' with Starfleet. Scan section 13A. You'll find a few tons of antimatter explosives along with some tri-combalt bombs. If I give the order, you'll be nothing but free floating atoms."

"What the fuck do you want then?" Valdemar asked.

"I know you were going to give me some suicide mission," said Stravo.

"That's ridiculous!" denied Valdemar.

"What was my mission then?" Stravo questioned.

Valdemar looked very nervous. "Uh, you see, it was, um, pursuit of a Borg Cube with er, no support."

Stravo laughed. "I thought so. You got 10 seconds to assign me to a survivable mission."

Valdemar sighed. "All right, fine. Investigate the disappearance of the Timothy Jones. We lost contact several days ago."

"Now, since we're on the subject, I think making Admiral in a few weeks and getting my own 'staff' of Orion Slave Girls is more than reasonable!"

Valdemar shouted, "Fucking hell, you?re pushing your luck Stravo! You may have your bombs planted, but I have 100 photon torpedoes aimed at you! I'll give you the Timothy Jones mission and nothing else! Accept that or die."

Stravo conceded. "OK, OK, it was just a suggestion. Do you know what happened to the Timothy Jones? Any last transmissions?"

"It reported taking damage from a subspace anomaly and being trapped," Valdemar lied. "It had apparently suffered engine damage a few days earlier. I'm transmitting their last known coordinates."

Stravo nodded. "Sounds easy enough. We?ll be on our way. Well, goodbye, Sir." The transmission ended.

Valdemar turned away from the viewscreen in Spacedock's command center and smiled. That fucker was in for it now. He reviewed the last transmission of the Timothy Jones sent by Ensign Lifeless, again.

WARNING! WARMHOLE DISCOVERED, PRESUMED TO LEAD TO ANOTHER GALAXY. UNKNOWN ALIEN SHIP HAS COME THROUGH IT. HOSTILE, ATTACKED US. VERY POWERFUL, LARGE. WEAPONS INEFFECTIVE. DO NOT EXPECT TO SURVIVE. DO NOT SEND ONLY ONE SHIP, WOULD NOT SURVIVE EITHER. LARGE FORCE NEEDED TO COMBAT THIS ONE SHIP. RECOMMEND SENDING 100 SHIPS TO DESTROY IT AND CLOSE THE WORMHOLE BEFORE ALIEN REINFORCEMENTS ARRIVE. REPEAT: WARNING...

[Captain Cyran]

*Gasp* I made an appearance!

*gasp* We blew up a whole bunch of ships!

*Gasp* We get to face an ISD!

Oh wait...fuck that's not good...GAT, you're gonna be REALLY nice and not kill all of us...right? Good buddy?...Old pal?...Meep...

[Kazuaki Shimazaki]

And before that, when is it going to show up on ASVS where I can do line-by-line? So far it ain't showing up!

[Kazuaki Shimazaki]

*Gasp* I made an appearance!

*gasp* We blew up a whole bunch of ships!

*Gasp* We get to face an ISD!

Oh wait...fuck that's not good...GAT, you're gonna be REALLY nice and not kill all of us...right? Good buddy?...Old pal?...Meep...

I'm feeling happy I'm on that ISD. I hope Sheppard doesn't eat me and SirNitram.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

*Gasp* I made an appearance!

*gasp* We blew up a whole bunch of ships!

*Gasp* We get to face an ISD!

Oh wait...fuck that's not good...GAT, you're gonna be REALLY nice and not kill all of us...right? Good buddy?...Old pal?...Meep...

Who are you voting for in the GSDA?

I'm feeling happy I'm on that ISD. I hope Sheppard doesn't eat me and SirNitram.

Shep won't eat anyone. He'll probably end up torturing people to death, but no canabilism.

[darthdavid]

*Gasp* I made an appearance!

*gasp* We blew up a whole bunch of ships!

*Gasp* We get to face an ISD!

Oh wait...fuck that's not good...GAT, you're gonna be REALLY nice and not kill all of us...right? Good buddy?...Old pal?...Meep...

Who are you voting for in the GSDA?

I'm feeling happy I'm on that ISD. I hope Sheppard doesn't eat me and SirNitram.

Shep won't eat anyone. He'll probably end up torturing people to death, but no canabilism.

Are you sure he won't get hungry after all that tourture?

[Captain Cyran]

*Gasp* I made an appearance!

*gasp* We blew up a whole bunch of ships!

*Gasp* We get to face an ISD!

Oh wait...fuck that's not good...GAT, you're gonna be REALLY nice and not kill all of us...right? Good buddy?...Old pal?...Meep...

Who are you voting for in the GSDA?

Err, Stravo and Kuja...why?

[Singular Quartet]

*Gasp* I made an appearance!

*gasp* We blew up a whole bunch of ships!

*Gasp* We get to face an ISD!

Oh wait...fuck that's not good...GAT, you're gonna be REALLY nice and not kill all of us...right? Good buddy?...Old pal?...Meep...

Who are you voting for in the GSDA?

Err, Stravo and Kuja...why?

And this, folks, is why I generally don't like showing up in fanfics...

[consequences]

Can't... Stop... Laughing.

So, at this rate, there won't be any of Starfleet left for the Imps to destroy anyway.