Talking to girl friends (not girlfriends) about sex

jenat-lai · Post by **jenat-lai** » 2003-11-27 03:27am

Didn't know what to entitle this thread, but I have a friend, who was once a girlfriend and is now my ex, but where still close friends. She now lives in a different state (but Im visiting her in 46 days time and staying with her and her stepdad and her sister and brother). We'v always been pretty close and honest to each other, and she generally lets me know what she feels most of the time. Well she's had boyfriends she's been sexualy active with before, and she sort of gets very infatuated with them, which means she likes to talk about them. The last guy dumped her after over 12 months together and she took it pretty hard. But 7 days ago she met with this guy whos 25 (she's only 20) and they had sex after she told him she didn't want to, but he pushed the point. She came to me and said she felt stupid and stuff and I said she was the best and did a whole bunch of self esteem building crap and stuff, and told her she was my best friend yadda yadda. Anyhoo, a few days ago she told me she was going to meet him again and I felt a little jealous, then I worked out some emotional stuff and seperated my life's problems (unassociated with her, mostly to do with being UNEMPLOYED and POOR and having parent problems and stuff.) and we talked about life and me and stuff and she helped me to work some emotinal stuff out. I then was out and feeling lonley so I sent her an SMS asking if I could ring and she said yes and I talked to her for 8 mins 50 secs on a mobile phone.

Yesterday she said she was meeting this guy again. and thismorning I was up at 6am to do some music stuff, and she was already online saying that she couldn't sleep cos her heart was going 'thumpity thumpity thump' and she couldn't sleep cos she's going to see this guy.

Yep go and have fun I keep saying, but be responsible.

Then she said that her bedroom was being lent to someone whos staying with them, and she'd have nowhere to sleep at home for about 2 days, and joked that maybe she wouldn't go home...

which means shes sleeping with this guy for sure... having sex... posibly right now...

and suddenly I realised that Jealousy wasn't just because life was difficult... it was because I was fuckin' JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

and if this guy hurts my best friend, I wanna KILLIM!!!!!!

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-11-27 03:51am

Unfortunately the only thing you can really do in these situations is to wait it out and hope for the best. When it all goes to hell, just eb there.

On another note, has anyone else noticed that jenat-lai looks like Trotsky on his little av?

Anarchist Bunny · Post by **Anarchist Bunny** » 2003-11-27 12:41pm

Yeah, I kinda know what you mean, I had a friend thats fucking someone twice her age(and he's breaking the law), and had a couple bad sexual experiments, and I think I kind of helped her accept that it was messed up, now she's dating someone more her age and trying to take it real slow, and using me as her sexual outlet(not doing anything, just talking, cause she doesn't want to start talking about things like that with him yet). And what really ticks me off is that the after I found out how she hooked up with him(inviting him somewhere just as a friend, with other people), I think she tried to do the same to me, but as far as I knew nothing was wrong with her and her boyfriend(a couple weeks before I found out he had hit and bruised her) and so I didn't take it as anything special and really didn't want to go to this event.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-11-27 12:43pm

Sounds like you need this website:

http://www.wizard.net/~joelogon/platonic/

Tolya · Post by **Tolya** » 2003-11-27 02:45pm

Well, I am no psychologist, but from my experience:

Firstly: You really can't do anything about it. and
Secondly: You shouldn't get involved in their relationship.
Despite how close you are to each other, you are not engaged in a relationship. If she really needs help (sometimes people are scared or otherwise don't want to say that something is wrong, but if you are close to them you'll notice) - then help her by talking to her, giving advice.
But you know, its someone else's life that we are talking about, and she must decide whats best for her.

I know how you feel, but since you aren't together anymore then maybe you should let her sort her personal life out on her own? You can't protect her from bad decisions 24/7 - and you definitely shouldnt. Keep your current profile and act as a friend would do - advisory and support. Definitely don't do any "you break her heart I'll break your neck" things.

Its sometimes strange, but people want different things in a relationship. I met some girls that like their guys to sort of 'be in control', or being total jerks, or something else. Not that I understand it, but its just how it is sometimes.

jenat-lai · Post by **jenat-lai** » 2003-11-27 04:06pm

howabout this bit:

she lives in another state. Im visiting her (flying on a 737 jet for 1 hour 30 minutes) and staying in her house when I get there.

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2003-11-27 05:36pm

I had one of those pathetic platonic relationships for a long time. But I eventually got her in the sack, behind her boyfriend's back.

Never turned into a relationship, and made the friendship weird and complicated, but I sure as hell don't regret it. hehe

Tolya · Post by **Tolya** » 2003-11-27 07:10pm

That's what I meant, you can't do anything because you only see her once every 2 months. And that's it.

Just as a curiosity fact:
What is today thought about as Platonic love doesnt' really have anything to do with Plato's idea of love. Ideal love by Plato is emotional evolution to a point where love becomes something divine. It starts off from a physical level (meaning sex) and goes to the point where love becomes too elevated to be concerned with physical matters (like sex).

jenat-lai · Post by **jenat-lai** » 2003-11-27 10:44pm

GrandAdmiralPrawn wrote:I had one of those pathetic platonic relationships for a long time. But I eventually got her in the sack, behind her boyfriend's back.

Never turned into a relationship, and made the friendship weird and complicated, but I sure as hell don't regret it. hehe

Id regret that. Besides... I don't have to do things behind her boyfriends back... the next boyfriend in line will do that... hm...

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2003-11-28 12:15am

Hey, when all is said and done, do you want to be saying "I pined away over that girl for years, and never even touched her" when you think back? This girl and I still get along. Hell, we're even both single again, so whatever. Just make a play for this chick of yours already.

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-11-28 12:17am

GrandAdmiralPrawn wrote:Hey, when all is said and done, do you want to be saying "I pined away over that girl for years, and never even touched her" when you think back? This girl and I still get along. Hell, we're even both single again, so whatever. Just make a play for this chick of yours already.

Says in the OP that it's been tried.

Defiant · Post by **Defiant** » 2003-11-28 12:37am

Sounds like the return of the Ominous Wet Fish.

See here:

http://bbs.stardestroyer.net/viewtopic. ... highlight=

jenat-lai · Post by **jenat-lai** » 2003-11-28 03:24am

The strange thing is I actually like being her friend. I seem to connect with her mentally and emotionaly better than anyone else I talk to. We'v known each other a long time. I was happy about her and her last boyfriend, she went out with him for over 18 months, though she had 2 other guys after 12 months before the final 6 months... Anyway I give her alot of leeway wheras with most other girls (One particular blonde I posted about here once) once the deed is done, that is that. have a nice life. But with this girl, theres something a little more special or something... I dunno.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-11-28 03:30am

jenat-lai wrote:The strange thing is I actually like being her friend. I seem to connect with her mentally and emotionaly better than anyone else I talk to. We'v known each other a long time. I was happy about her and her last boyfriend, she went out with him for over 18 months, though she had 2 other guys after 12 months before the final 6 months... Anyway I give her alot of leeway wheras with most other girls (One particular blonde I posted about here once) once the deed is done, that is that. have a nice life. But with this girl, theres something a little more special or something... I dunno.

That's lovely. So if you've given up on dating this girl and consider her to be just a friend, what other prospects do you have?

Or have you not been seeking a girlfriend? If you haven't, then you need to ask yourself some hard questions right now about what you really want from this girl and whether you can realistically get it.

jenat-lai · Post by **jenat-lai** » 2003-11-28 03:38am

Thanks for the smackdown mr Wong. I shall consider this.

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » 2003-11-28 03:41am

GrandAdmiralPrawn wrote:I had one of those pathetic platonic relationships for a long time. But I eventually got her in the sack, behind her boyfriend's back.

Never turned into a relationship, and made the friendship weird and complicated, but I sure as hell don't regret it. hehe

Okay, I admit to suffering a religious bias here. But I hope I'm not the only one who sees a major problem with this. You seduced a friend who trusted you, and got her to betray her boyfriend to whom she had presumably made some sort of commitment. That is immoral by almost anyone's standards. Besides that, if her boyfriend ever finds out, he might just kill you. And maybe her too, depending on what he's like. And you have no regrets?

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-11-28 03:47am

You're not the only one to see that.

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » 2003-11-28 03:51am

Good. As long as I'm not. There is hope for the world.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-11-28 08:11am

Rogue 9 wrote:
GrandAdmiralPrawn wrote:I had one of those pathetic platonic relationships for a long time. But I eventually got her in the sack, behind her boyfriend's back.

Never turned into a relationship, and made the friendship weird and complicated, but I sure as hell don't regret it. hehe
Okay, I admit to suffering a religious bias here. But I hope I'm not the only one who sees a major problem with this. You seduced a friend who trusted you, and got her to betray her boyfriend to whom she had presumably made some sort of commitment. That is immoral by almost anyone's standards.

I like the way you assume the girl in this scenario was a mindless puppet who was simply controlled by GAP's "seduction" rather than having a will and motives of her own. Maybe she wanted to cheat on her boyfriend and would eventually dump the guy, and GAP just happened to be in the right place at the right time. He did say they're still friends, so what harm has been done?

Besides that, if her boyfriend ever finds out, he might just kill you. And maybe her too, depending on what he's like.

Oh of course, let's assume that the boyfriend was a murderous psychopath

And you have no regrets?

It appears that no serious damage has been done to anyone, so what's the problem? In fact, if both of them recognized at that moment that their relationship could not go beyond a platonic one, then they're both better off for it because they can move on without the cloud of what might have been hanging over them.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-11-28 12:18pm

A certain girl I once had a crush on is actually easier to speak to when you aren't totally enamored with her. I'm also getting increasingly reluctant to fall in love, and it's only a few months ago I got to the stage of considering how to spend time together with any hypothetical love interest. (bad planning, the bane of everything!!)

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2003-11-28 12:36pm

Rogue 9 wrote:Okay, I admit to suffering a religious bias here. But I hope I'm not the only one who sees a major problem with this. You seduced a friend who trusted you,

Trusted him to what? To quell her own base desires? Another example of society falling to the "Nothing I do is my responsibility, I must blame it on someone else" idiocy. I suppose you are sympathetic to geriatric moron woman who scorched her crusty vagina with hot coffee?

Rogue9 wrote:and got her to betray her boyfriend to whom she had presumably made some sort of commitment.

Obviously her commitment to GAP was stronger. Or her commitment to her boyfriend was as pathetic as you blaming GAP for "Causing" her to sleep with him.

Rogue9 wrote: That is immoral by almost anyone's standards.

Thank you for clarifying my obviously Skewed sense of Morality!

Rogue9 wrote: Besides that, if her boyfriend ever finds out, he might just kill you.

Or he might go on a homicidal warpath, break into a McDonalds and toss a Hand grenade into a group of orphans. Or you could slip on your way to a PETA protest and take a paperclip in your eyeball. Or, possibly *GASP* They get into a big fight over it, they break up, and she runs to GAP for support, realizes he's the "One", gets married, lives happily to the end of their days, all because GAP "Caused" her to sleep with him.

Rogue9 wrote:And maybe her too, depending on what he's like.

Since you can make accurate predictions of the future (QUIET COL CRACKPOT!!!

) What are the Dolphins Chances at the superbowl next year?

Rogue9 wrote: And you have no regrets?

umm...

GrandAdmiralPrawn wrote:but I sure as hell don't regret it. hehe

Guess not.

Sam Or I · Post by **Sam Or I** » 2003-11-28 01:52pm

The best answer is the simplest. Talk to her about how you feel. Its either she still has similar feelings or she does not. Either way you know what direction to move from there, instead being in a state of Limbo.

CmdrWilkens · Post by **CmdrWilkens** » 2003-11-28 03:37pm

From the "been there, done that, got the pictures I could have sold to Hustler" group I offer this:

1) You are a platonic friend, you are, as Chris Rock said, "a dick in a glass jar." Now certainly she might like you a great deal but right now her romantic interest are elsewhere. Judging from the fact that you've stayed this way for a while there is VERY little you can do to change this

2) Knowing #1 and accepting it are two different things. For all the advice we can give what you feel about the girl isn't neccessarily going to change because of logic.

3) Jealousy, I tend to think, is a natural reaction when someone else gets to spend intimate time with someone you like. Now DEGREE indicates a lot. For instance I have had times that I would like to chill with my friends but they are busy with girlfriends/boyfriends (and vice versa for them). It makes me jealous that I can't spend time with them and someone else who hasn't known my friend as long gets to do so.

Now in your case the jealousy seems a bit more serious. Its already been suggested that you might want to review your feelings abotu this girl. I'll state it bluntly: you still find her attractive and would like a relationship. Sure you can be satisfied, to a degree, with friendship but that was before someone else got what you wanted. Before you were the top dog, first amongst friends, so even though you didn't have an intimate relationship you were closer than everyone else. Then someone else jumped the ladder above you and its making you realize that you wish you were sitll on top of the ladder.

Its hard to do but you need to either chose to remain where you are on the ladder or you need to tell the girl how you feel (though I might wait until she isn't dating anymore). If you don't then its gonna eat you up everytime someone else jumps the ladder on you and it isn't good for your mental health.

jenat-lai · Post by **jenat-lai** » 2003-11-28 09:07pm

Im a bit better now she's home again.

PainRack · Post by **PainRack** » 2003-11-29 09:15am

jenat-lai wrote:Im a bit better now she's home again.

And how will you feel the next time she's out? Or when she stays overnight in some place? Or when she's on a holiday with this guy?

Just curious, cause I have a somewhat similar problem, except that the girl in question was never attached to me and we aren't close