Attention to all readers of "The Wormhole War"

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-11-26 11:51am

Yep, once again I've decided to revise my award-nominated original story.

This time, it's after finding out that sci-fi usually depicts future societies as too similar to previously-known societies.

I am partly guilty in this, too - I originally intended Xril society to be based upon an amalgam of The Third Reich, the Soviet Union under Stalin and Kim il-Sung's North Korea in the same manner as WH40K's Imperium of Man is based upon the Roman and British Empires. However, it ultimately wound up as a rather bog-standard totalitarian dystopia.

Now, something which can make a sci-fi story good is not only to depict advanced technology, but also the impact which technological advancement will have upon society.

Therefore, I have decided to revise my story with following elements:

1. More emphasis upon cybernetics and their use - for example, I am toying with the idea of the Xril all having cybernetic implants in their brains which allow them to telepathically communicate with each other. Due to the ultra-hierarchial structure of Xril society, I will also explain in future chapters how the Xhatrr Dominion authorities use said cybernetics technology to keep its citizens in check and maintain its order. For example: an internet-like network between the Neural-Telepathic Communicator Implants (as I call these cybernetic doo-hickeys which enable Xril to communicate telepathically) which is controlled by a propaganda-spewing Artificial Intelligence loyal to the Xhatrr Dominion authorities, and maybe mention of high-ranking Xril being able to access higher-security parts of the Neural-Telepathic Network than lower-ranking Xril. Perhaps I will even include a Matrix-style group of Xril hackers who rebel against the system?
2. Description of the various uses of AIs (Artificial Intelligences) by the Xril as well as the Jardra.
3. The fixing of typos and grammar errors.

In my drawings and so on, (which I sadly can't post due to the lack of a scanner) I have also changed the look of the Xril so that their origins are more obvious. However, I am rather reluctant to reveal said origins as they're a potential colossal spoiler. And the Jardra neither look as Bothan-ish as I originally envisioned them.

I ask some questions to you, my dear readers:

1. Any other ideas for the revision???
2. Am I starting to rip off The Matrix too much in my eventual use of cybernetics and AIs, or would a cyberpunk space-opera be interesting??
3. Will I ruin the balance between sheer description and actual plot? Some authors (you know who they are) have an annoying tendency to write novels with so many details that the reader loses the overview, and I wish to describe the difference between the Xhatrr Dominion and historical societies without drowning everything in detail.
4. Am I falling into pitfall clichés?? I know that the ending I have up my sleeve sounds rather original (again, I'm not revealing a potential mega-spoiler), but I'm afraid all that "cybernetics and AI used by totalitarian state to keep citizens in check" has been tried before. (eg. Demolition Man)
5. Exactly how dissimilar to historical dictatorships can I make the Xhatrr Dominion, and how? I am now - unlike before - aiming to make it very different from any 20th century dictatorships - but I don't want it to become some sort of evil version of The Culture, either.
6. Am I becoming too obsessed with making the setting more futuristic, or is it in sci-fi only a good thing to emphasize the distinction between the depicted society and the one which the author lived in?

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2003-11-26 12:02pm

1. Nope.
2. I won't know unitll i read it.
3. see answer 2
4 " " "
5 no idea
6. Not that i've noticed.

Not lets wait for the other worhole reader to comment!

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2003-11-27 11:17pm

I'm too lazy to help. W00t.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-11-28 11:40am

Now I just need SingularQuartet's help before revision can commence.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-11-28 12:13pm

Simon H.Johansen wrote:Now I just need SingularQuartet's help before revision can commence.

Hmm? What about me? What are your volenteering me to do?

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-11-29 03:28am

Singular Quartet wrote:
Simon H.Johansen wrote:Now I just need SingularQuartet's help before revision can commence.
Hmm? What about me? What are your volenteering me to do?

I just need your comments on my plans for revision - I'm thinking of making the Xril a cybernetically enhanced species in the next revision, although nowhere as 'borged out as the Borg or the Bentusi of Homeworld.

As mentioned before, my next expansion of the descriptions of Xril society will include:

1. All Xril have some cybernetic implants in their brain which enables them to communicate telepathicaly with each other over a shorter distance.
2. There's an internet-like network connecting these cybernetic implants. I think of calling it "The Neuro-Telepathic Network".
3. This internet-like network is then being used by the Xril government - along with the fact that some Xril can access higher levels of security within the Neuro-Telepathic Network than others - to solidify the social hierarchy and order by having propaganda-spreading Artificial Intelligences (which also are hooked up to the Network) brainwash the citizens.
4. Other extensive uses of cybernetics - such as Txaxil having lost an arm during the Great Uprising and then having it replaced with a cybernetic one which is much stronger. In general, I were slightly inspired by the real-life "transhumanist" movement.

Points #1, #2 and #3 of the "'borging-out" of the Xril is mainly there because I:

1. Want to show how the Xril's high level of technology has affected their society.
2. Has a plan about a Matrix-style group of hackers who have broken free from the Network and are coordinating a rebellion against Zxavor.

Well, what do you think?

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-11-30 06:53am

By the way, other ideas for revision could be nice.

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2003-11-30 02:53pm

More sex and violence would probalby be nice.

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2003-11-30 04:59pm

darthdavid wrote:More sex and violence would probalby be nice.

yeah we want xril/jarda lesbian porn!!

EDIT:[ J/K]

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2003-11-30 05:08pm

Crazedwraith wrote:
darthdavid wrote:More sex and violence would probalby be nice.
yeah we want xril/jarda lesbian porn!!

With illustrations to help the simple minded better understand the plot. Just mail it to me and i'll scan it up and email it to you. After carefully examining it ofcourse.

Jawawithagun · Post by **Jawawithagun** » 2003-11-30 05:40pm

darthdavid wrote:More sex and violence would probalby be nice.

And both in the same scene please

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-11-30 09:56pm

Jawawithagun wrote:
darthdavid wrote:More sex and violence would probalby be nice.
And both in the same scene please

Raycav got banned for that.

And Simon, sure, I can help. don't know how much time I can spare, but I'll help in any way I can. Just as a side point to #4 in your most recent post, I'd like to point out that a cybernetic arm is only as strong as the body it's connected to.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-12-01 08:19am

Crazedwraith wrote:
darthdavid wrote:More sex and violence would probalby be nice.
yeah we want xril/jarda lesbian porn!!

Sorry, as an author I've made a moratorium upon pointless sex in my stories. Particularly if it's between Xril and Jardra. You'll have to write your own slashfics.

darthdavid wrote:With illustrations to help the simple minded better understand the plot. Just mail it to me and i'll scan it up and email it to you. After carefully examining it ofcourse.

Hmm... I'm not sure this is possible as I live in Denmark. Where do you live??

I have, however, made a few illustrations which I plan to scan in as soon as possible. Most of them are of the spaceships - but I also have one of a Xril city. BTW - one of my previous avatars was the elusive Horned Sigil of Xhatrr.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-12-01 06:34pm

Simon H.Johansen wrote:
Crazedwraith wrote:
darthdavid wrote:More sex and violence would probalby be nice.
yeah we want xril/jarda lesbian porn!!

Sorry, as an author I've made a moratorium upon pointless sex in my stories. Particularly if it's between Xril and Jardra. You'll have to write your own slashfics.

darthdavid wrote:With illustrations to help the simple minded better understand the plot. Just mail it to me and i'll scan it up and email it to you. After carefully examining it ofcourse.
Hmm... I'm not sure this is possible as I live in Denmark. Where do you live??

I have, however, made a few illustrations which I plan to scan in as soon as possible. Most of them are of the spaceships - but I also have one of a Xril city. BTW - one of my previous avatars was the elusive Horned Sigil of Xhatrr.

They were joking... I think. Either way, don't.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-12-02 08:19am

Okay, I'm now ready to start revision - but unfortunately, I have a lot to do in this week so I'm not sure when I have revised everything I've written to far.

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2003-12-02 09:17am

Singular Quartet wrote:They were joking... I think. Either way, don't.

Indeed i was in fact joking. I have no edited in smilies to make it clearer

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-12-02 10:50am

Crazedwraith wrote:
Singular Quartet wrote:They were joking... I think. Either way, don't.
Indeed i was in fact joking. I have no edited in smilies to make it clearer

The fact that midget-fetishists exist is enough to make me think that you weren't joking about the imagery of naked Jardra females...