HemlockGrey Battles Suburban Gangstaria, Part II

[HemlockGrey]

Readers of the FUQ quote archive may recall reading of the epic Battle of the Brandywine Pooltable, in which several friends and I heroically mocked a (herd? mob? flock?) of wannabe gangstas who were attempting to seize our pooltable for their own personal use. I have always found this whole 'gangbanger' subculture to be on the whole a fantastically aggravating phenomenon, mostly because upper-middle class suburban kids living on the Main Line would not last three minutes in West Philadelphia, no matter how many Old Navy hoods they wear.

I have thus taken up a holy crusade against this particular spawn of pop culture. I do battle against it in its many forms, wherever it is found. The following event occured several days ago, and has been one of the more dramatic occurances in the ongoing struggle between the forces of 'suburban gangsteria' and the forces of 'not being a stupid fuck'.

I was riding my bike home from school when I passed a particularly slovenly individual who was crying out to be tormented. He was either a junior or a senior, short and scrawny, white, with blonde hair. He was talking on an extraordinarily expensive cellphone and wearing clothes that had not been washed for at least the entirety of the semester. It was your basic gangster getup; a small stump of hair pulled back in absurd fashion; really long, baggy pants, a shirt that came down to his thighs, six layers of T-shirts and what the media has affectionately termed 'bling-bling' (although it is more appropriately known by the moniker, 'cheap fucking plastic').

I rode by this particular poser on my bike, while commenting on the general stupidity of his clothes. I believe my exact words were 'You look like a fucking chimp.' I thought this was the end of the encounter, but no! After a storm of curses, he began to follow me down the block past the middle school, eventually breaking into a fullout run. However, I was on a bike and he was on foot, and smoking a cigarette, no less. After about half a block he decided that he had done enough representin' on my ass and turned back.

Now, the middle school had just let out, and the area was swarming with kids, parents, crossing guards, and a few cops. Quickly realizing that I was thoroughly surrounded by The Man (always a helpful ally), I spun around and rode back down the block to the bank, where the gangsta was now hanging with one homey or another.

As I approached, he pointed me out to his friend and began to curse at me. Again, I remarked that he looked like damn idiot (leaving out the stronger language of the previous insult due to the aforementioned proximity of The Man). He began to yell further derogatory phrases, demanding that I get off my bike.

Not one to turn down a challenge, I rode up to within a yard of him and dismounted from my bike. Staring him down, I implored his forgiveness, but, for some reason, he was not appeased. Even my earnest attempts to discern the nature of his grievance were rebuffed (aw, did I howt your poor widdle feelings?). Threatening brimstone and hellfire, the gangsta nonetheless was utterly incapable to capitalize on his empty posturing and was forced to stalk away, defeated. A nearby crossing guard let out a little cheer.

Perhaps I am merely being childish, or petulant. Perhaps I was in the wrong to torment him. Perhaps it is he who is, morally, intellectually, stylistically, superior to me. But you know what? I honestly believe that there is a fundemental difference between him and me, one that transcends all boundries of race, class, gender, and nationality. Namely...

I'm not a fucking moron.

[StarshipTitanic]

After about half a block he decided that he had done enough representin' on my ass and turned back.

LMAO! That's just precious...

[StarshipTitanic]

I'm not sure if that's something to be proud of...

Nah, but it makes a good read.

[ArmorPierce]

He was talking on an extraordinarily expensive cellphone and wearing clothes that had not been washed for at least the entirety of the semester.

Real gangsters from the city are very clean

[Darth Wong]

I'm starting to hate the word "disrespect". It's so fucking overused nowadays it has no meaning. A while ago I was at a buffet restaurant, and I was lining up for the Peking duck. Any of you who know Chinese food will know that Peking duck is served on a soft flour wrapper, sort of like a soft taco wrapper.

So I got to the front of the line, and like every other person there, I grabbed a wrapper and put it on my plate so I could pick up the Peking duck. But lo and behold, the "white gangsta" behind me was reaching around me to try and grab the Peking duck. There were 4 pieces left which was roughly enough for two servings, so I let him take 2. But he moved to take a third, and it was obvious he planned to clean out the plate, with me standing there at the front of the line. That's when I got fed up and grabbed the fucking tongs out of his hands and took the rest of the Peking duck for myself.

He looked at me and said "that's some disrespect, man."

Fucking moron. I just looked back at him and said "Fuck you, you can't wait your turn and you accuse me of disrespect?" and he and his buddy both looked back at me with this idiotic blank stare on their faces, as if it had honestly never occurred to them that you should wait your turn.

Honestly, behaviour like that would almost strike me as some confrontational asshole trying to provoke me into a fight, but this guy was so scrawny that I could have broken him in half.

The funny thing is that when I got back to my table, I discovered that they were seated at the very next table, so I loudly recounted the story of their stupidity to my family (my whole family was there; my parents and my brother too). They didn't say a word. We started making fun of them and my brother started wondering aloud if they came from "the rough and tough Woodbridge Hood" (Woodbridge is a middle-class suburb in Toronto). They wouldn't take the bait and just kept eating quietly.

[MKSheppard]

Fortunately I have never to see whiggers in my area

[Alyrium Denryle]

*Groans*

There are a group of around 4 African American students on my bus, I can almost give them some credit beause they arent white, but they live in fucking Alta Mesa(A very large middle class-upper midle class suburb in Mesa Arizona)

Basic gansta clothes. Baggy Pants, hugeshirts, multiple t-shirt layers(even in the middle of an Arizona summer ) Possible bandana, with giant gold neclaces. If they arent wearing the damn bandana, they have a fucking afro... with the afro pick still inserted in the hair...

They get on the bus every day, and because the bus drier is a nice lady, she flips the radio to the local hip-hop/rap station for them. This is tolerable, I can read a book, or sing Monty Python or Mel Brooks stuff at the front of the bus, and amuse those around me, so no big deal.

These morons cant fucking sit down. They have the radio up, and they get up and start dancing, with the others enhance the music, augmenting it by beating on the windows, making sounds through their noise tubes, and stomping their feet, as they DANCE IN THE ISLEWAY while the bus is moving... Fucking idiots.

Rest of the people on the bus just sort of.. roll their eyes at them. But ou all know me and my low tolerance for stupidity, and stereotypes...

Thse morons are starting to piss me off, and of course, I am a geeky white boy, and I cant exactly tell them to shut the fuck up, seeing as they are more numerous, and bigger than me. *groan* Eventually, when theyare doing whatever little jig they do at the front of the bus... someone will cut the diver off and she will have to stop suddenly... CONCUSIONS FOR ALL!

[Lord Pounder]

I blame MTV. It appeared in the 80's and removed many children of the ability to think for themselves. While i think Hemlock was being a bully to the gangsta-wannabe if you look like a dick expect to be laughed at. I get laughed at for being a "skater/goth" atleast untill they realise the heavy boots i wear can put a dent in your ass quite easily.

[Zac Naloen]

What really annoys me is the amount of times these guys have tried to start a fight with me... can i help it if their clothing makes me want to crack up and laugh hysterically?

[SirNitram]

"You are not a gangster. You don't even look like one. A real gangster wears an expensive business suit, eats Italian every night of the week and has the ovoid body shape to show it, and carries a Thompson in a violin case. You look like you feel into Old Navy's warehouse and had to fight your way out."

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

Kids these days should use their imagination for something other than pretending they're black. I know a few, but they're nowhere near as obnoxious as the ones mentioned.

[LadyTevar]

"You are not a gangster. You don't even look like one. A real gangster wears an expensive business suit, eats Italian every night of the week and has the ovoid body shape to show it, and carries a Thompson in a violin case. You look like you feel into Old Navy's warehouse and had to fight your way out."

My dearest lover, when we live in an area labled as a 'bad neighborhood', and where Urban Renewal means knocking down crack houses.... You shouldn't say that kind of thing to the neighbors.

But, these gangstas at least fit the stereotype, being young 'disinfranchised black men', living in a 'low-income neighborhood' in 'government-assisted housing'.

Still, they do look stupid wearing their pants down around their knees with only the long tails of their layered T-shirts to cover their boxers. Makes me wonder how they can run from the cops without their pants hitting their ankles...

[Crayz9000]

I sometimes have the uncomfortable experience of forgetting to cinch my belt tightly enough, with the result of my jeans sliding down as I'm walking. With the prospect of them trying to fall off completely, I'm amazed at how they can even walk.

[Zac Naloen]

my jeans are always trying to fall down... but only cos i have to wear a size up or they slide up about 4 inches up my legs when i sit down.. which is just annoying and not at all cool...

[Peregrin Toker]

I see a great deal of these "suburban pseudo-gangsters" almost every day.

Fortunately for them, I can tolerate them as long as I have the right to be different from them.

[aerius]

What really annoys me is the amount of times these guys have tried to start a fight with me... can i help it if their clothing makes me want to crack up and laugh hysterically?

Tell me about it, I've developed a pathological hatred for the fuckers and I don't need much of an excuse to start shit with them. I may look like an asian dork but I've been through more shit and gotten into more fights in one year of middle school than any of these shitbags will in their entire lives. Fun incident happened at a bus stop once. A small group of the worthless shits were smoking their cigarettes and trying to act "cool", whatever, they wanna look dumb that's fine with me.

Now it seems one of the parts of "acting cool" was they had to spit after every time they took a puff on their cancer sticks, and one of the soon to be dead shits had spit on me, what a fucking turd. I just glare at the fucker and he goes "yo fuck man, you gotta problem?". At this point I'm thinking "3 of them, 2 of them are sitting down, I have weapons, yup, I can take them", so I say "yeah I gotta problem you dickless cocksucking fuckhead!". He had this beautiful stunned look on his face, and I think he was about to say something right before I slammed an elbow into his face and flattened him. At this point the 2 pukes sitting on the curb decide it's a good time to start running away. I was kinda hoping for a 3 for 1 special, but it was not to be.

These gangsta wannabe's just bring out the worst in me, some days I have to restrain myself from actively going out and hunting them. I'm glad I don't drive my own car since I probably would've run over quite a few of those pukes by now. Fucking assholes think it's cool to walk in the middle of a street and block traffic. I gotta stop ranting, but holy fuck I hate those worthless shits. Goddamn, I wish there was a "Whigger Season" with no bag limit.

[Crayz9000]

These gangsta wannabe's just bring out the worst in me, some days I have to restrain myself from actively going out and hunting them. I'm glad I don't drive my own car since I probably would've run over quite a few of those pukes by now. Fucking assholes think it's cool to walk in the middle of a street and block traffic. I gotta stop ranting, but holy fuck I hate those worthless shits. Goddamn, I wish there was a "Whigger Season" with no bag limit.

Just try coming down here to Los Angeles. I swear this place is the wannabe gangsta capital of the world.

[ArmorPierce]

Something I noticed of suburban gangsta wannabes is that they try to hard. They take a lot of the things to the extreme and still use styles that is long played out from the 80s, early 90s.