I know it's not hilarious, but it's more of me seeing if I can actually convert the entire Fellowship of the Ring entirely to Monty Python rather than trying too hard to be funny, although there are a couple of lines which I am well pleased with.
I'm actually up to scene 10 so far and Bree so far, but I don't want to post it all right away, as then I manage to stay ahead of the game with my writing, this will be finished within the next week or so, as I have a long international flight and nothing else to do, so this should keep me entertained.
Havent forgotten about that Trek fic I started, but this is light stuff and is more fun to write at the minute, will get back to the Trek fic at some point hopefully.
Prologue
*camera looks out onto the dark plains of Gorgoroth*
*orcs and elves and men litter the ground*
*something stirs in the distance*
*lonely figure comes running towards the camera*
*figure is in full battle armour and missing a finger*
Sauron: It’s…
*explodes*
Announcer: Monty Tolkien’s Lord of the Flying Circus Ring
Scene One - Gandalf
*camera cuts to the shire, Gandalf is travelling in his cart towards the shire*
*John Cleese is tied up in the back*
John Cleese: In this scene, there are 47 hobbits. None of them are from Bree.
*goes past a bush*
John Cleese: That, was Mr Frodo Baggins, of Bag-End, The Shire, Middle Earth, SE14. He could not be seen. However, he has chosen a very obvious bit of cover.
*bush explodes*
Frodo, smoking: Damnit, Gandalf…
Gandalf: Sorry.
*children run after Gandalf*
Children: Fireworks, Gandalf, Fireworks…
Gandalf: In this scene, there are 5 annoying children, none of them can be seen…
Frodo: What do you mean, they’re right there…
*children explode*
Gandalf: And there go the children…
*hobbit hole explodes*
Gandalf: And there goes where they were born
*forest explodes behind them*
Gandalf: And there goes where they played…
John Cleese: And now for something completely different…
*cut to the Old Forest, Old Man Willow explodes*
Scene Two – A Long Expected Party
*Bilbo stands on the platform*
Bilbo: My dear Boffins, Bwacegiwdles, Pwoudfoots,
Sinister cloaked rider at the back: Pwoudfeet!
Frodo: Who the hell’s he?
Crowd: He’s from Bwee!
Crowd: He’s a Wobber…
Gandalf: He’s a bloody Wingwaith… dammit *slaps himself* a bloody Ringwraith
Bilbo: Wight, watch carefully Fwodo…
Frodo: Who?
*Bilbo thwows him to the floow*
Bilbo: How to defend yowself against a Wingwaith armed with a Banana, you, Mr. Apwicot…
Ringwraith: Angmar!
Bilbo: Sowwy, Angmaw, come at me with that Nazgul Banana, come on, be as vicious as you like with it… now, Fwodo, it’s quite simple to deal with the Banana Waith, all you have to do is welease the tigew.
Tiger: Rarrrr…
Ringwraith: Aieeeee…
Crowd: Where’d he get the Tiger?
Passing Izzard: Oh, grow up…
Bilbo: Note that the advantage of the Tigew is that he will not only eat the Banana, but will weduce the wingwaith to its spiwit fowm and send it back to Mowdow so we can use it again in a latew scene. The Tigew however does not weduce the Balwog. Anyway, whewe was I? Oh yes…
My dear Pwoudfoots, Chubs, Tubs, Lockholm, Sackly, Millbo, Hasset, and Bewnewd.
Crowd: Those are all Cricketers, Bilbo…
Bilbo: Ah spit…
*howls of derisive laughter*
Bilbo: Anyway, I know not half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of y- aww, sod it, now, watch closely, Fwodo…
*tiger devours the crowd*
Bilbo: You wanna come back to my place?
Gandalf: Yeh, ok…
Scene Three: My Preciousss…
Gandalf: I wish to register a complaint!
Bilbo: Look Gandalf, I’m going on holiday…
Gandalf: Never mind that, my boy, I want to complain about that Tiger which you pulled out of your arse earlier this evening…
Bilbo: I really need to be getting on…
Gandalf: Not to mention that Ring you keep playing with.
Bilbo: Oh yes, the Wing I got in a pawty cwackew? What’s wong with it?
Gandalf: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad, it’s a ring of power, that’s what’s wrong with it…
Bilbo: No no, it’s not a Great Wing, Gandalf, it’s a cheap Chwistmas one, wemarkable wowk though, it’s got Made in Taiwan witten all ovew it…
Gandalf: The writing don’t enter into it, it’s a bloody Great Ring.
Bilbo: No, no, it’s a Chwistmas novelty.
Gandalf: Alright then, if it’s a Christmas novelty, put it on…
*Bilbo does so and vanishes and reappears again*
Bilbo: There, see, pewfectly nowmal…
Gandalf: No, it wasn’t, you disappeared…
Bilbo: I nevew!
Gandalf: Yes, you did! *shouts at ring* Hello, Sauron… wakey wakey, testing, show an eye, this is your missing ring of power…
*ring whispers sinisterly*
Bilbo: It’s a joke wing, I nicked it from Gollum.
Gandalf: Joke Ring?!
Bilbo: Yeh! Gollum told me it would do that as he gave it to me, it’s got one of those sound boxes, it does Michael Caine impwessions.
Gandalf: Look Bilbo, I’ve had enough of this. That is a Ring of Power, and what’s more, when you first got it, you assured me that Gollum had given it to you as a reward for eating his wandering minstrels?
Bilbo: Listen mate, if I hadn’t taken that wing, Gollum would have hunted me to the Shiwe, wipped open the door with his teeth, and boom...
Gandalf: Boom? Bilbo, Gollum wouldn’t boom if I shoved my wand up his arse. This is the One Ring!
Bilbo: No, no, it's precious!
Gandalf: It's not precious, it's the One, this Ring is pure evil, it must cease to be, it's trying to meet it's maker, if you hadnt nicked it from Gollum, you'd be pushing up the daisies. This... is a Ring of Power!
Bilbo: Well, I’d bettew give it to Fwodo then… anyway, I’m off, I need a holiday, I saw it in the bolouw supplement…
Gandalf: The bolouw supplement?
Bilbo: Yes, I just notibed that I seem to have pibked up another speech defebt. I ban’t say the letter B.
Gandalf: Right, stop this, it’s silly, it started out as a nice little idea about the Parrot sketch, but there’s only so much Monty Python you can get into one scene… go on, piss off to Rivendell with you, I must go and look at some things, there are questions that must be answered.
Bilbo: Bilbo Baggins, A holiday, and an African or a European?
Gandalf: Oh, shut up…
Not that it takes much brain power mind you, 95% of the humour is Monty Python's, not mine, I can't take any credit for it.
,
, N(
We-ell, maybe a little... but only in passing.