Libya Admits to another attack!

Alex Moon · Post by **Alex Moon** » 2003-12-23 12:51pm

http://www.deanesmay.com/archives/005809.html

Report: Libyans Admit Role in '85 Attack
IN STUNNING ADMISSION,
LIBYA ADMITS ROLE IN PLOT
ON SMALL CALIFORNIA TOWN
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AMERICAN OFFICIALS CONFIRM
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By TADD ARBUCKLE

HILL VALLEY, Calif. -- The Libyan Government has confirmed its role in a failed 1985 attack against the small town of Hill Valley, Calif., American and British intelligence officials said yesterday. While little noticed at the time, the attack left a local man hurt and caused extensive damage to a local key-duplication establishment.

The stunning admission comes as Colonel Muammar al-Qaddafi, the reclusive military dictator of that North African country, seeks to repair relations with the West. Intelligence officers who toured Libya's nuclear facilities said Libya had come closer to building a nuclear device than previously believed, but a top Libyan scientist revealed yesterday just how close they had come.

"We could have had a working nuclear bomb in 1987, 1988 at the latest," said Dr. Faisal ibn al-Khums, lead weapons scientist for Libya's covert nuclear program, "but all we got from that damned Yankee scientist was a bunch of scrap iron. Praise God, we took care of that infidel soon enough. But have you any idea how hard it is to build a working nuclear weapon? Years and years we worked, and all we managed to do was poison the water supply of a few outlying villages."

"By God, that set us back twenty years!" al-Khums added.

While little noticed at the time, federal authorities confirmed the attack had taken place in fall 1985 at the Twin Pines Mall, a large retail complex just outside of this small California enclave. While there are only two believed witnesses to what happened that autumn night, residents of the town who remembered the odd occurrences were stunned to learn of the Libyan gambit.

"God as my witness, I remember it like it was yesterday," said Jasper Michaels, the then-proprietor of the Keys-2-Heaven kiosk, which was located in Parking Lot C of the Twin Pines Mall. "I got up for work at eight in the morning, like I always do, and there was a minibus on top of my store."

"All I wanted was my own store, designing, replacing, and reworking keys for the good people of Hill Valley," Michaels said. "Do you know how long it took me to save the money to start it? Two years, man. Two years."

"Now look at me," Michaels said. "I'm working sixteen-hour days down at the urinal cake factory outside of town. And you know that fragrance shit they put in those things? It doesn't wear off. Jesus Christ, I've tried everything -- lye, steel wool, acid -- it doesn't wear off.

"Help me! You've got to help me!" he added.

A mid-level federal official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said authorities were able to reconstruct what happened that evening.

"On Oct. 26, 1985, a 1971 Volkswagen minibus entered the parking lot of the Twin Pines Mall, a large retail complex outside of Hill Valley, California. The vehicle contained four adult Libyan nationals, armed with assault weapons. For reasons unknown, the Libyans accelerated at a high rate of speed around the parking lot, firing several rounds at a target believed to be Dr. Emmett Brown, a physicist of minor repute. Brown may have been hit several times by these rounds, or may have driven off in his silver DeLorean sports car, since neither his body nor the car were found at the scene. In any case, the Libyan operator then lost control of the vehicle, which came to rest on top of the Keys-2-Heaven kiosk, an establishment at the mall which provided key-duplication and key-refurbishment services," the official said, reading from the now de-classified Government report on the matter.

Libyan sources said that Colonel Qaddafi, terrified that American and British forces might turn on him next, decided to cave in before it was too late.

"Now look. When I say come clean with everything, I mean everything," Qaddafi reportedly said, according to someone familiar with the matter. "And that includes that little 'incident' we planned to get back at that Brown fellow. Wherever it was."

American officials also confirmed that Libya disclosed the Hill Valley incident. However, questions remain sketchy about the matter, and the present whereabouts of Brown, as well as one Marty McFly of Hill Valley, are unknown.

In related news, shares of automaker Volkswagen AG traded sharply higher on the XETRA bourse in late afternoon trading.

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2003-12-23 12:55pm

i suddenly have the urge to watch back to the future....

Mayabird · Post by **Mayabird** » 2003-12-23 12:57pm

That was great!

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-12-23 01:17pm

I got confused at first but reading made me laugh,[size=0]Thanks to Marty McFly the Lybians failed[/size]

Damaramu · Post by **Damaramu** » 2003-12-23 03:54pm

LOL! Comedy gold!

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-12-23 04:04pm

Heh.

Praise God, we took care of that infidel soon enough. But have you any idea how hard it is to build a working nuclear weapon? Years and years we worked, and all we managed to do was poison the water supply of a few outlying villages."

That part was especially good.

Post by **RogueIce** » 2003-12-23 04:29pm

Marty McFly - A True American Hero.

CaptainChewbacca · Post by **CaptainChewbacca** » 2003-12-23 05:14pm

God, it took me a long time to realize that this was a joke. I was reading and thought "Hill Valley? I guess that's a real place they put in the movie." I didn't put it together until "Twin Pines" mall.

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2003-12-23 06:05pm

CaptainChewbacca wrote:God, it took me a long time to realize that this was a joke. I was reading and thought "Hill Valley? I guess that's a real place they put in the movie." I didn't put it together until "Twin Pines" mall.

Same here. Although the vocal mannerisms of the supposed Libyans gave me pause. Good one, man.

Solauren · Post by **Solauren** » 2003-12-23 06:21pm

Shouldn't it be Lone Pine mall now? Or am I the only one that caught that at the end of the 1stmovie?

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-12-23 06:33pm

I got it at 'scrap iron'.

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-12-23 06:59pm

Including myself who else got the joke when they read the name "Hill Valley"

Soontir C'boath · Post by **Soontir C'boath** » 2003-12-23 07:10pm

Montcalm wrote:Including myself who else got the joke when they read the name "Hill Valley"

BLeh, I got started to get suspicious when it said 1971 V mini-bus with 5 Libyans....~Jason

Post by **fgalkin** » 2003-12-23 08:37pm

LMAO.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-12-23 10:01pm

Soontir C'boath wrote:
Montcalm wrote:Including myself who else got the joke when they read the name "Hill Valley"
BLeh, I got started to get suspicious when it said 1971 V mini-bus with 5 Libyans....~Jason

You read that far before getting suspiscious,i was confused reading the thread title but the big "HILL VALLEY" was the key of this story.

StarshipTitanic · Post by **StarshipTitanic** » 2003-12-23 10:04pm

Wow, I didn't understand that at all...I must rewatch it, ASAP!

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-12-23 10:12pm

Solauren wrote:Shouldn't it be Lone Pine mall now? Or am I the only one that caught that at the end of the 1stmovie?

Bwahahaha...

Come to think of it, yes, I do remember that part.