Fanfictions from hell

Hotfoot · Post by **Hotfoot** » 2003-12-31 02:55am

Those of you at the NYC RotK Geek Meet have heard the prophecy. Now the day of ruin is upon us! Rob Wilson, be warned! Do not consume anything while reading this thread. I don't want to be involved in an international manslaughter investigation, not so shortly after the incident with the crazed cuban, the guns, and the hookers.

First, I present to you all the easiest to stomach of the bunch. David Gonterman. Those of you who know him know the pain which I am about to unleash here...

The Archive of Gonterman's Early works!
Read them and despair. The only story not hosted here seems to be the first part of his Epic Trilogy, The Piasa Bird, which I have found and hosted for your reading torture.
Followed by his more recent works at ht tp://foxfire.twu.net/ (Broken because I don't want Gonterman coming here, he has the ego of Derek Smart but without the respective talent)
Has he improved since he decided to start all over again? You decide.

Be warned that you will face there the full, un-MiSTed works of Gonterman. However the pain should only be passing, and you should survive the process.

What I give you next is perhaps one of the most foul fanfictions ever devised. A Sorcerer, A Demon, and Emeralds by Kefka the Dark One.

The MiSTed versions are what I read, and it still nearly turned my brain into a puddle of ooze. I've hosted them here since the site I originally found them at has gone down.

For those of you who truly enjoy pain, I have managed to locate the original, unedited and un-MiSTed version of the above story. The final chapter is completely unedited, and may cause you to retreat into your own mind to a Lovecraftian horror that will comfort you back to insanity.

Feel free to share your reactions after having read the above stories, or even respond with other incredibly bad fanfics you think can top these...

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2003-12-31 03:03am

I've read and survived Gonterman raw (part 8 of Sailor Moon: American Kitsune, to be exact). It was a new definition of pain.

Hotfoot · Post by **Hotfoot** » 2003-12-31 03:08am

Iceberg wrote:I've read and survived Gonterman raw (part 8 of Sailor Moon: American Kitsune, to be exact). It was a new definition of pain.

I read the entire trilogy raw. Piasa Bird. Blood and Metal. Sailor Moon: American Kitsune. Read B&M and SMAK back to back, actually. Every chapter. Didn't read the Piasa Bird at the time because he had done his damnedest to destroy it, and it only (relatively) recently reappeared on the net.

ASADAE is worse than Gonterman could ever hope to be. If you feel truly brave, read the unMiSTed version, but I don't suggest it.

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-12-31 04:28am

I find that I have a surprising pain threshold.

Popcorn, anyone?

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-12-31 11:28am

Excuse me guys but if the fics are so bad why are you reading them? I know all about the bad movie syndrome, I love watching crap fests but there's not nearly the effort involved in sitting back and watching a movie as compared to reading a fic. So what's the appeal?

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-12-31 11:35am

It makes great material to mock later on.

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2003-12-31 12:25pm

Who is David Gonterman?
David Gonterman is a St. Louis-based cartoonist who is known for many things - for one, his massive ego; for another, his immense paranoia - as soon as any of his works garners negative reactions, he pulls them off the web; for another, the fact that most of his characters either belong to other people or are ripoffs in some significant way; also the fact that he considers himself the Internet's most Dangerous Cartoonist and will, if something bothers him, make a story about it and then declare that he won the war - most notably he has done this against Ken Penders (who apparently draws the Sonic the Hedgehog comic, or writes it, I really don't know) and Vince McMahon, billionaire owner of the World Wrestling Federation - neither of whom, in all likelihood, even know Gonterman exists; additionally the fact that all of his comics have a protagonist who is a not-so-thinly disguised "self-insertion" version of Gonterman who without fail saves the world, is admired by many people who also tell him how great his art is, and sticks his weiner in some hot girl; and finally, and perhaps most importantly, Gonterman is known for his seemingly preternatural ability to fail at more or less everything he tries to do. He doesn't just fail, though - he fails in a way that the observer cannot help but watch. His art and writing are the best example of these - they are spectacularly bad. All of this is neatly capped off and kicked into overdrive by the fact that, as of this writing on March 1st, 2001, David Gonterman is thirty-one years old.

The Aliens · Post by **The Aliens** » 2003-12-31 01:32pm

Gonterman is known for his seemingly preternatural ability to fail at more or less everything he tries to do. He doesn't just fail, though - he fails in a way that the observer cannot help but watch.

Sounds like something from Douglas Adams. I'm not even going to look at those fanfics, for fear of burning my retinas.

The_Nice_Guy · Post by **The_Nice_Guy** » 2003-12-31 03:35pm

I keep telling myself I have seen worse on ff.net, but I honestly thought it wasn't the worst I've ever read.

So, bring on the really good(or, in this case, the bad!) stuff from hell!!!

Hooyah!

The Wobbly Guy

Hotfoot · Post by **Hotfoot** » 2003-12-31 04:02pm

Stravo wrote:Excuse me guys but if the fics are so bad why are you reading them? I know all about the bad movie syndrome, I love watching crap fests but there's not nearly the effort involved in sitting back and watching a movie as compared to reading a fic. So what's the appeal?

It's roughly the same. On the one hand, you read to see if it gets any better, to see if there is any saving graces to the story. As bad as Gonterman is, he's not so bad that the stories are unreadable. He's coherant, just not good. On the other, you read to see just how batshit insane the author gets.

Plus, MiSTing of bad fanfics is pretty fun, and reading MiSTings of bad fanfics is enjoyable. It's not everybody's cup of tea, but some people do like it.

Besides, the more bad fiction you read, the more mistakes you can see and avoid in your own work.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-12-31 04:31pm

I didn't think one could truly believe pointless 3rd grade fantasies are acceptable.

There's bad fanfic, and there's BAD.

Yeech...and the comics are just a portal into the insanity.

Hotfoot · Post by **Hotfoot** » 2003-12-31 04:48pm

Ghost Rider wrote:I didn't think one could truly believe pointless 3rd grade fantasies are acceptable.

There's bad fanfic, and there's BAD.

Yeech...and the comics are just a portal into the insanity.

It should be noted that Gonterman was about 28 when he started his unholy trilogy...he's about 32 or 33 now.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-12-31 04:53pm

Hotfoot wrote:
Ghost Rider wrote:I didn't think one could truly believe pointless 3rd grade fantasies are acceptable.

There's bad fanfic, and there's BAD.

Yeech...and the comics are just a portal into the insanity.
It should be noted that Gonterman was about 28 when he started his unholy trilogy...he's about 32 or 33 now.

Well it explains that he indeed is a 30+ year old virgin, who's only source of female compainion ship is his Sailor Moon or Minnie Mouse plushie he has with an appropriate opening in the ass and crotch...and perhaps mouth.

This stuff is worse Portal and I see how you could say so at the RoTK meet...urgh.

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2003-12-31 05:36pm

The Price Of The Phoenix and The Fate Of The Phoenix by Sondra Marshak and Myrna Culbreath and Vulcan and Death's Angel by Kathleen Sky —four of the worst Mary-Sue/Hurt-Comfort/slash fanfics ever written and especially evil considering that these putrid scribblings actually made it past several editors at Ballantine Books to professional publication.

Hotfoot · Post by **Hotfoot** » 2003-12-31 05:42pm

Ghost Rider wrote:Well it explains that he indeed is a 30+ year old virgin, who's only source of female compainion ship is his Sailor Moon or Minnie Mouse plushie he has with an appropriate opening in the ass and crotch...and perhaps mouth.

This stuff is worse Portal and I see how you could say so at the RoTK meet...urgh.

We mustn't forget the relationship he developed online with that underaged girl.

In any event, I've tried my hand at MiSTing Gonterman. I'll not post it publicly here, but IM or PM me and I'll send it along.

The Aliens · Post by **The Aliens** » 2003-12-31 05:57pm

MIST? I assume its a type of unflattering review?

Hotfoot · Post by **Hotfoot** » 2003-12-31 06:11pm

The Aliens wrote:MIST? I assume its a type of unflattering review?

MiST, an evolution from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Basically taking the original work and making jokes through the whole thing.

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2003-12-31 08:40pm

Iceberg wrote:I've read and survived Gonterman raw (part 8 of Sailor Moon: American Kitsune, to be exact). It was a new definition of pain.

How does he compare with Oscar or Ratcliff?

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2003-12-31 08:45pm

phongn wrote:
Iceberg wrote:I've read and survived Gonterman raw (part 8 of Sailor Moon: American Kitsune, to be exact). It was a new definition of pain.
How does he compare with Oscar or Ratcliff?

Oscar is... Oscar. I also have to give Oscar a bye because he's grown out of his adolescent antics and is now properly ashamed of his early crap.

Ratliff (no C) is... another special case. While he's bad with a capital B, he's a good sport about it, and actually himself participates in the online MSTing community.

So yes, Gonterman is worse than either Oscar or Ratliff.

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2003-12-31 08:48pm

Iceberg wrote:Ratliff (no C) is... another special case. While he's bad with a capital B, he's a good sport about it, and actually himself participates in the online MSTing community.

So yes, Gonterman is worse than either Oscar or Ratliff.

Hrm. /wanders off to read Gonterman, if only for the novelty value.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2004-01-01 08:24pm

Bah!
I have writen worse then this this was almost funny

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2004-01-02 10:49am

LT.Hit-Man wrote:Bah!
I have writen worse then this this was almost funny

Yeah, but at least you have humor and panache about yourself...this guy seems to be never had sex with anything but a blow up doll named Sally.