GNOME HUNTER!

[Zaia]

Fact: In "Gnome hunter" I lead a group of sexy talented powerful intelligent well trained militarisitc females in a secret organization that is out to save the world from evil. In "How Stravo Got His Groove Back" I lead around Stravo and Dalton. 'Nuff Said.

LMAO

[Singular Quartet]

Such is the firepower of the Guild. Now, if you excuse me, I must return to plotting horrible vengence upon my enemies...

[Captain Cyran]

Such is the firepower of the Guild. Now, if you excuse me, I must return to plotting horrible vengence upon my enemies...

That's cool man, very nice. Is RayCav's fic in that list of horrible fanfic to melt the brain? Even though it's gone forever I'm SURE you could find some way to bring it back.

[2000AD]

Can't read new chapter, must re-read .... Portal for the... 11th time. NO! Must re-read Janeway's Surprise .....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Singular Quartet]

Such is the firepower of the Guild. Now, if you excuse me, I must return to plotting horrible vengence upon my enemies...

That's cool man, very nice. Is RayCav's fic in that list of horrible fanfic to melt the brain? Even though it's gone forever I'm SURE you could find some way to bring it back.

Probably. And Portal, SD: Rampant, and Janeway's Surprise aren't the only things in there... I'm sure some of the... er... worse ST and SW fics that can be found on the web (Whatever the hell Marissa Picard is from, for example) can be found in that mess. Turst me, compared to some of the absolute tripe I've seen, Portal almost counts as decent.

almost.

[Darth Fanboy]

GNOME HUNTER EPISODE TEN!

--------------------------

(flashbacks of the first nine episodes)

With the Society of Sister and Alyrium Denryle Dead, the three black mages captured and imprisoned, Zaia and Fanboy have little choice but to put out a casting call for new allies and characters.

(cut away to an empy room save for two folding chairs and a fold out table. Fanboy has just opened the first of thirty seven Heinekens he is planning on consuming during the episode, and Zaia is double checking to see if her gun, a .44 Magnum, is fully loaded.)

Fanboy: Okay who's first on the list?

Zaia: First up is a guy calling himself "Borg Boy"

Fanboy: Oh goody, Trek Geek three of fifty kabillion...

Zaia: Oh come on let's just hear him out he did take the time to audition.

(Robert Walper Enters the Scene)

Robert Walper: Beware Enemies, Resistance is futile!!!!!!!

Fanboy: Ummm yeah, we're going to have to ask you not to say that anymore, um yeah.

Robert Walper: Yes sir commander sir! I'll bet you two would like to hear about my super powers that make me an excellent addition to the cast!

Zaia: Fire away chief.

Robert Walper: Well for one thing I have been cybernetically enhanced with BOrg equipment! Isn't that amazing?

Fanboy: Is that what made your skin so pale?

Robert Walper: Nah it was already like this.

(Fanboy and Zaia begin taking notes, Fanboy mutters and opens a second beer)

Robert Walper: Watch as I use the ultimate Borg Battle Technique!

(Robert Walper begins lumbering slowly towards Fanboy and Zaia)

Zaia: Is that all?

Robert Walper: Well umm ahh, it works better when the rest of the collective is here but, well, they're all playing magic over at the comic book shop...

Fanboy: I think i've heard enough. *pulls lever*

(Robert Walper is ejected via springboard through the cieling and somewhere off into the distance. Cries of "Rabid Warsie Fucker" are heard off in the distance by those who care)

Fanboy: They aren't all like this are they?

Zaia: Let's hope not, candidate #2 is "The New England Patriot"

(Colonel Crackpot enters the scene)

Fanboy: Patriots fan eh?

Col. Crackpot: Damn straight, going all the way this year too!

Fanboy: Hard to argue (There's something wrong with this guy....)

Zaia: So what's you full name?

Col. Crackpot: Colonel Crackpot Ma'am, dedicated New Englander and kicker of asses

Fanboy: (New England.....hmmmmm....)

Zaia: And what exactly are you a Colonel of?

Col. Crackpot: We'll I led the Clam Chowdah Brigade in Bahston to victory over the....

Fanboy: A-HA!

Zaia: Fanboy what the fuck, sit down.

Fanboy: Tell me something, who is the greatest shortstop in all of baseball?

Col. Crackpot: Duuhhhh, No-MAAHHHH GAHH-ciapAHHHHA (Nomar Garciaparra)

Fanboy: Cowboy Up Yours Red Sox Loving Infidel! GO YANKEES! (Fanboy pulls a second lever and Col. Crackpot is dropped into a pit full of rabid mutated Dolphins)

Col. Crackpot: WE GOT ScHILLING!

Fanboy: Bastard! I'm going in after him (puts knife in his teeth)

Zaia: (Smacks Fanboy in the face with his own Oar) Sit down, i'm not doing this by myself.

Fanboy: ( Maryland Bitch, probably a damn Orioles fan)

Zaia: WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?!

Fanboy: Nothing! I didn't say anything!

Zaia: Good, all right next up is...oh god...

Fanboy: What, lemme see the list.....Who's Raoul Duke Jr.?

RDJ: ZAIA! MY LOVE! I finally found you! By the way who are all those short guys calling for your deaths out there?

Fanboy: (looks over at Zaia) Hey, Z, is there something you're not telling me?

Zaia: just shut up.

Fanboy: Freinds don't keep secrets and secrets don't keep friends!

RDJ: It all began on that passionate magical day....

Zaia: Listen, he asked me out once, i took him up on the offer, nothing happened...

RDJ: Nothing? Oh ho ho If that's what you call hot hot hot sex, then yes we did nothing. ALL NIGHT LONG!

Fanboy: Z, dont tell me...

Zaia: We went to one party together and had some drinks. he got plastered off of Cosmopolitans and Wine coolers and I had to drive him home. I dragged his ass to the front door and when he finally got inside he touched my boob, I slapped him, and he calls me the next morning wondering why I left before breakfast.

Fanboy: Ok I see how it is.

(Zaia Starts reaching for the lever, Fanboy turns to Raoul Duke Jr)

Fanboy: You're hired,

Zaia: WHAT?!?!?!

Fanboy: You're first mission is to go outside and kill all of those little short duded in the red shirts. You have an weapons?

RDJ: I have this box of flexi straws in case Zaia and I ever want to share a milkshake, Oh Oh and I have a empty 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper...

Fanboy: Perfect, go out there and kill all those Gnomes before they steal all of Zaia's skimpy neglige.

RDJ: WHAT? HOW DARE THEY! PREPARE TO DIE!

Fanboy: Hehehe, this shouldn't last long.

Zaia: Why the hell did you...

Fanboy: If he survives this then he's definitely worth bringing aboard, besides, how often is it that you get a guy who will do any sort of depraved task you ask for on the off chance he's downwind of your belches?

Zaia: YOu got a point but...screw it...Next candidate is...

RDJ: HEY GUYS? HOW COME THEY'RE CARRYING TURKEY BASTERS AND MATCHES OUT HERE?

Fanboy: Darth Garden Gnome doesn't feed them enough! You'll have to try and avoid leting them bite your nuts off!

Zaia: As I was saying, the next Candidate is.....Sinister of Min?

????: (compeltely cloaked figure from head to toe) Hahahaha I am the worst night mare of all GNOMES BWaHaHAH!

Fanboy: Give it a rest Alyrium.

Aylrium Denryle: How could you tell?

Fanboy: Between the fruity looking cloak and the inconspicuous Halo that clearly depicts you as "deceased"

Denryle: Ummm, I LIVED!

Fanboy: Sorry man.

Denryle: DAMN IT!

Zaia: That was odd, are you running out of ideas for writing the story?

Fanboy: Coulllllllld be. Tell you what, i'll read down the list name by name and you just say yea or nay. Then we'll get the hell out of here and back to the plot before any of those idiot fans of ours notice.

Zaia: Ummmm *points back at YOU THE READER thru the computer screen*

Fanboy: The hell? Zaia why are you...(looks at YOU THE READER)....as I was saying Gnome Hunter readers are intelligent and sexy and they vote for their favorite story Gnome Hunter to Win Sexiest Fic of the year as well as Golden Star Destroyer Awards. And to prove I love you, here's Zaia in a Bikini.

(Zaia walks out on to a mysteriously appeared runway and begins modeling various skimpy swimsuits)

Zaia: Fanboy ummmm

Fanboy: Hey! Nobody forced you!

Zaia: It's not that, but this is a text only story right? They can't even see me.

Fanboy: (points back at YOU THe READER) look! That guy already has a stiffy just thinking about it! Keep dancing While I go check on Raoul.

zaia: (Keeps posing but runs away because ONE OF YOU SICK AND TWISTED READERS just took off their pants and began making lewd gestures, way to go spoiling it for the rest of us dammit.)

Fanboy: hey Raoul did you...HOLY SHIT........

(nearly a hundred gnomes lie dead in a heap, many of them bearing holes that apear to have been made by a fiercely stabbing flexi straw, other bludgeoned to death by the plastic Dr. Pepper bottle. RDJ stands atop the pile of dead nomes, victorious)

RDJ: True Love conquers all!

Fanboy: I'll say, that's some damn fine work. Okay here's the deal. Zaia can't know you're alive.

RDJ: Why?

Fanboy: Listen, I need you to go on a mission for me, it wont be very easy.

RDJ: But Zaia...

Fanboy: Quiet down dammit or you'll spoil the surprise!

RDJ: SUrprise?

Fanboy: Yeah man! Okay, Zaia thnks you're dead, she'll lament about how brave you are and wish that she could just tell you how she really felt about you. Now during this you're going to run to the store and get me some survival supplies for my car. We'll need beer, chips, one of those things full of sprayy cheez, umm some Doritions, the Cool Ranch AND the Nacho...

RDJ: And this will get Zaia to love me?

Fanboy: What? Oh yeha sure...now listen I can't let you use my car because I need it for a few episodes, so you're going to have to hoof it.

RDJ: You mean walk?

Fanboy: He'll if you could hover i'd say do that. Now listen just run back to the nearest human town, that's umm, about a thousand miles away, and bring everything on the list.

RDJ: SWEET! Okay, I'll be right back!

(RDJ Runs off)

Zaia: (peeks from behind corner) Is he gone?

Fanboy: Umm yeah, I told him you went to ummm, (INSERT RIVAL AREA OF YOUR CHOICE).

Zaia: But why would he go there?

Fanboy: How would I know? they're all a bunch of sheep fuckers in (INSERT RIVAL AREA OF YOUR CHOICE) anyway.

Zaia: So we went through all of that just to still be stranded here in the Gnomelands by ourselves?

Fanboy: Don't worry, I know a guy.

Zaia: Be still my beating heart, we're saved now.

Fanboy: Would you rather go with Raoul?

Zaia: *Sighs* Lead the way...........


THe END

[Captain Cyran]

I liked the part with Alyrium the best. And the fiercly stabbed flexi straws through the chest was good too.

Damn, why didn't we send him to save me... Oh yeah, and Kuja and Nitram.

[Singular Quartet]

An intresting addition, Fanboy. Keep working.

[Zaia]

LMFAO

And incidentally, I'm not an Orioles fan. Certainly not a Yankees fan either, though.

[Darth Fanboy]

"GNOME HUNTER - HIGHGUARD ,LEAP/SLIDE/CHANGE"

PART I - "LEAP"

From deep within underground caverns in the uninhabitable northern wastelands of Gnomania, the unholy legions of Darf Garden Gnome plan their eventual conquest of humanity.

the only thing keeping the Gnomes in check was the loose alliance of usergroups that had managed to set aside their differences long enough to repel the invasion of New York City by a large Gnomish Army. the Heroes of that battle were the elite cadre of Black Mages and a man thought to be the last Master of Style.

Bolstered by stolen weapons technology, and a seemingly endless suply of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers, the Gnomes were poised to conquer the world outright. At the battle of hoobajooba, the Gnomes succeeded in destroying the Black Mage Castle, capturing or killing all of the BLack Mages and their allies in the Socitety of Sisters

However there is a hope...the last Master of Style and the Rage-Enhanced Zaia have survived and are seeking out the hidden entrance that will grant them access to the Realm of the Highguard, the Heroes that defeated the Gnomes in their last attempt to conquer earth many years ago.


*A Frozen Forest in the North of the Gnomelands, Our heroes trudge forth wrapped in ragged cloaks that cover their attire*

Fanboy: We're aren't far now, It's only a little bit farther.

Zaia: That's what you said a little while ago!

Fanboy: I know, why do I have to keep reminding you!

Zaia: Its so &$%#-ing cold out here my nipples could cut glass! That's why!

Fanboy: Listen, we just have to get to the clearing in the middle of this forest. We'll pick up our new transportation there.

Zaia: Remind me again why we aren't taking the Mustang?

Fanboy: We're gonna need some specialized transportation, the car aint gonna do it.

*A twig snaps behind them, ZAIA turns her head*

Fanboy: ignore it, his eyes have been on you the entire time.

Zaia" "He" Who?

Fanboy: Raoul Duke Jr.

Zaia: What? Why in the hell...

Fanboy: He's been following us for about three days, I had my suspicions about him when we first met but...

Zaia: But What?

Fanboy: He was spying the whole time, those Gnomes he slaughtered? An attempt by the Gnomes to infiltrate our mission. He's a troll, an evil Gnome/Human Hybrid fertilized in the womb of a goat and mixed with black magic.

Zaia: How wretched.

Fanboy: Celine Dion Wretched. Look, See that Cabin? That's where we're going.

Zaia: And we're just going to let Troll Man follow us in?

Fanboy: Nope, youre going to go in first, and i'm going to deal with that.

Zaia: And i'm not going to fight why?

Fanboy: Something about "glass cutter nipples" if i'm remembering right.

*Zaia enters the cabin, a kindly old man and a gorgeous woman greet her at the door, the old man walks outside.*

Santa Claus: Fanboy, I thought I told you not to come back here.

Fanboy: I didn't get what I wanted for christmas... (We've got a problem)

Santa Claus: What? What are you talking about, You got the Swedish Made Pen--

Fanboy: Fucker, remember the codephrases!

Santa: What? Oh Yeah the Code.

Fanboy: My Sotcking wasn't stuffed very well either. (I've been followed)

Santa: Maybe you didn't behave this year? (How many of them?)

Fanboy: Oh I did, I was a perfect Angel. (Just One, a troll in the treetops to your right)

Santa: Liar, Santa sees everything and you groped more women than Schwarzenegger. (Got 'im, should I take him?)

Fanboy: Listen, some of them liked it. (Plug him.)

*Santa Claus deftly scratched his belly, triggering a secret remote control hidden within the folds of his fat. Suddenly, from beneath the snow, an autmoatic turret boasting a 25 mm machine gun emerged and fired a barrage through the treetops. The horrible corpse of RDJ fell to the snow.*

Santa: Now to remove the evidence.

*Santa waved his hand slightly and without warning two REindeer emerged from the forest and began chewing on the corpse of RDJ, eating the bloodsoaked snow and dragging the bones and shreds of clothing away for disposal.*

Fanboy: New Trainees?

Santa: Dasher took a bullet in the leg at Charleton Heston's house and Vixen got pregnant. Next year you're going to have to add "Bonecrusher" and "Razorantler" to that damned song.

Fanboy: Those are much better names.

Santa: Not my idea, the Reindeer been watching that fucking X-Men movie and they all think they need "Mutant" names too. So far the only Reindeer that actually was a mutant was Rudolph and you don't see him running around calling himself "Lasernose" or anything like that.

Fanboy: Yeah. anyways, sorry for showing up unannounced.

Santa: You'd better be, i've been living here quite comfortably.

Fanboy: You're going to be pissed then when you find out why I showed up.

Santa: Santa sees everything, Don't tell me, you need the sleigh don't you?

Fanboy: That's it.

Santa: GO on inside. we'll talk about it.

*Inside*

Zaia: Ummm, Hi my name is Zaia

Sandy Claus: hi! Im Sandy! Santa and your friend will come inside shortly!

Zaia: Wait, that's Santa Claus?

Sandy: That's right! And i'm Mrs. Claus!

Zaia: Wow! how old are you again?

Sandy: Im a 32-24-32 nineteen year old blonde freshman at UCLA! I suffer from acute Nymphomania and I don't care who i'm with as long as I get presents all the time! Santa left his old wife for me because she didn't appreciate him enough and tried to change who he was!

Zaia: *under her breath* Sounds like Santa got what he wanted for Christmas...

Santa: Ah I see you've met Mrs. Claus, come here and give daddy some sugar.

(Zaia and Fanboy supress the urge to vomit as the Old Fat man and the gorgeous Southern California girl engage in disgusting tongue play)

Santa: Ready for your candy cane?

Fanboy: Hey, Chubberbuns, there are other people in the room.

Santa: Oh yes, excuse me...You need to borrow the sleigh to access the portal of the Highguard.

(a loud rattling and the clangs of metal can be heard below the floor.)

Zaia: What's that?

Santa: Just the Factory.

Zaia: Really? I want to see!

Fanboy: Zaia I don't think that's a good idea. We don't want to get too involved here...

*Santa Watches as Zaia presses her ear to the floor, Santa stares directly at her bum waving in the air*

Santa; I think we could accomodate a tour, Sandy I will be giving these folks a personal tour, perhaps you could go and prepare supper?

Sandy: Sure!

Santa: On second thought, the last time you cooked we nearly burned the place down, Fanboy you used to do Iron Chef competitions why don't you help her out?

Fanboy: *Looks over at Sandy* hmmm, yeah I think we can make an arrangement.

*Santa nods his head and he and Zaia descend a hidden staircase through a secret passage in the floor. Fanboy walks into the kitchen area where sandy is twirling her hair and enjoying a lollipop.*

Fanboy: So...Sandy...do you do yoga?

Sandy: YES! OMIGAWD It is like, so totally fun! Want me to show you a few positions?

Fanboy: That is...Exactly what I had in mind...

*Zaia and Santa Descend the stairs and the smell of Gunpowder is overwhelming. All around Zaia sees tiny men laboring in various workshops, garages, and assembly lines, producing weapons of war...*

Zaia: GNOMES!

Santa: No no my dear, not gnomes, Elves. Including myself.

Zaia: *Draws Pistol* Explain yourself fat man!

Santa: Heh, Santa does enjoy the occaisional bad girl *licks lips*

Zaia: *aims gun at Santa's crotch* Explain thisfactory pervert, or Sandy won't be getting her wrinkled prunes anytime soon.

Santa: Fiesty! I like. Well my dear where do I begin? Ah yes. you see, Darf Garden Gnome was a charismatic young gnome back in the middle ages. when the gnomelands were fertile and Elves, Dwarves, and Gnomes all lived in peace. He ascended to a position of prominance in the Ephemeral Senate.

But then he and his followers disbanded the senate, forming a Gnomish Empire and driving out the Dwarves and Elves, plotting to conquer the world under a United Gnome banner. We Elves went north to the pole, fortifying our defenses here with our weapons worskhops. Sure as soon as november rolls around we switch over to toy production as per the Treaty we signed with the Illuminati all those years ago but this is the true aim of our factories.

Zaia: I can't believe I left you milk and cookies when I was younger.

Santa: Trust me dear, Santa loves Milk and Cookies. *lunges forward for Zaia's body*

Zaia: The hell? Pervert! *Zaia shoots Santa In the Kneecap and then stomps on his groin on the way out, she rushes back up the stairs*

Zaia: Fanboy! we need to get what we came for and get the fuck out of here! I had to shoot Santa Claus for trying to touch me in inappropriate...aw geez...

*Zaia tries to avert her gaze as Fanboy has Sandy claus bent over the kitchen table, having his way with her from behind*

Fanboy: Can't this wait Z?

Zaia: What did I do to deserve this...Did you not hear me? I just SHOT SANTA!

Fanboy: And i'm fucking his blond teenage wife! Let me finish and we'll really give him something to be pissed about!

Zaia: Fanboy, LET's GO!

Fanboy: I tell you this would go faster if you came over here and...

Zaia: Fine...Where's the sleigh?

Sandy: Out...mmmhhh... back on the.... Oh!... lunch pad....Yeea!

*Zaia runs out the back door, the SLEIGH sits out back. there are no reindeer though. Zaia runs back in the house!*

Zaia: What about the reindeer!

*Sandy is passed out in a moist heap on the floor, Fanboy is having a smoke*

Fanboy: *Lights a cigarette* I dunno where he keeps the sleigh team, well have to find them before we take off in the sleigh.

Zaia: what? Why didn't you....

Fanboy: Listen Z, when A man is in the middle of a mind blowing orgasm while pounding the most voluptuous, scintillating, sexiest LEGAL AGE blonde since Maria Tornberg's appearance in "Supertroopers, it is best not to ask such complex questions.

Santa: Listen to the man Z

Fanboy and Zaia: SHIT!

Santa: As you can see my A simple Bullet to the knee won't do me in, behold!

*Santa's Elfin magic is already healing the damage, and is glowing a faint green*

Fanboy: I was wondering how you dragged your fat ass up the stairs anyway.

Santa: Shut up fucker! *looks over at Sandy* YOU! YOU SPOILED HER!

Fanboy: Oh come on, its not like this is the first time this has happened.

Santa: This one was different, this one was...

Fanboy: Unfazed by your grotesque rolls of cellulite that keep your dick covered in dark dark shadows?

Santa: Silence! This is the last time Fanboy, at one time I owed you many favors for your assistance on Christmas night but now it ends!

Fanboy: Maybe, bugt only for one of us *tears of shirt and flexes his many muscles like Bruce Lee, picks up the boat oar and positions himself for a fight.*

Sandy: *still dazed* Is it Christmas already?!

Zaia: Come on girl we got to get you out of here,

Sandy: But my panties are...

Zaia: Just get your fuckin' clothes on and lead me to the reindeer pens bitch!

Sandy: Like, Ok!

Santa: No! You won't take her away from me!

Fanboy: Think fast bitch! *Bashes Santa Claus in the Face with the Boat oar*

*Santa Flies through a window and crashes into the ground outside. Fanboy walks out through the door of the cabin and proceeds to kick the old fat man repeatedly while he is down, beating him over the head repeatedly with the oar.*

Fanboy: Hey! come on, fight back!

Santa: *barely stands up, breathing heavily.* You son of a bitch, you know I can't fight, why do you think I hired you for protection during those Inner City Present Deliveries!

Fanboy: YOu delivered crck to the crack dealers too!

Santa: Well they behaved!

Fanboy: YOu took a cut of the money, I thought by fucking your wives repeatedly would be my revenge for all the scummy things you did while I was on watch. Well now its time I kicked your ass!

Santa: We you know I can't fight you, my magic is limited to healing and keeping my heart from giving out under the immense pressure its under.

Fanboy: True, true, I am wonderful fantastic and amazing.

Santa: I dare you however, to defeat this, *pushes a button hidden in his fat rolls*

*Three dozen Elf Nijas emerge from an underground bunker.*

Santa: Subdue the Master of Style, Contact Master Garden Gnome and let him know we have his quarry and that we are ready to deliver the weapons.

Fanboy: A setup! You fool! No wonder RDJ was expendable!

Santa: Correct. Your lady freind was foolish enough to believe that The Elves were separate from the Gnomes, but you know as well as I that we've been making the gnomish weapons of war for some time now.

Fanboy: Like I said earlier fat man, it is gonna end here.

Santa: I agree, only this time, my line will be less cliche'...ELVES! SKULLFUCK HIM UNTIL HE'S BLIND IN BOTH EYES AND STRING HIM UP By HIs INTEstiNES!

*Fanboy twirls the oar and fires a trio of mind bullets at approaching ninjas. the blsts melt the snow beneath by several inches, revealing the metal doors leading down into the facotry hangars. Fanboy fires again, blowing a hole in the door and descending into the lair below.

Meanwhile, Zaia and Sandy are attempting to find the Reindeer Pens.*

Zaia: All right, which way now.

Sandy: ummm, I don't know.

Zaia: Figures.. .*sees Elf Walk by* Hey shorty!

Elf 38740452: Me?

Zaia: Yeah you, where do you keep the Reindeer.

Elf 38740452: I'll never tell human! Glory to the Elves, Hail Gnoma....AAAHHH!

*Zaia Points agun at his forehead and the Elf is suddenly standing in a puddle of his own piss.*

Elf 38740452: *points finger towards reindeer pens* That way.

Zaia: ALlright here's the deal. If you don't want to die you'll get that sled prepped and ready.

Elf 38740452: Y...y..y..yes ma'am

Zaia: There that was easy.

Sandy: Duh, i'd be scared too, just look at you! You look terrible!

*Zaia biutchslaps Sandy, then drags her by the hair to the nearest garbage chute, where she is thrown out with the trash.*

Zaia: at least I dont end up an invalid after one litte orgasm, bitch.


*Fanboy is engaging the nijas in martial arts down below, their repeated attacks meet with many consecutive bheadings and broken limbs as Fanboy weilds the Boat Oar with much skill*

Fanboy: All right tubby, where were we.

Santa: This is the part where we eat cookies...I think...

Fanboy: Hmm, sounds delicious.

*At this point the author is now taking a twenty minute break for delicious Chips Ahoy cookies. Take a break for yourself should it fancy you, if not continue reading knowing in your heart that the author is done eating cookies himself.8

Fanboy: mmm that was good, where were we?

Santa: Cookies, something about cookies.

Fanboy: Not going to work this time jerkface.

*Fanboy tosses the boat oar and it spears Santa right in the belly, causing him to fall backwards.

Zaia: Fanboy! come one, The Sleigh is prepped and ready! We gotta go NOW!

Fanboy: Wow that was easy, almost too easy, we'll better not look a gift horse in the mouth!

*Zaia and Fanboy take off in Santa's Sleigh,Santa stands and flips on the communicator in his beard.*

Santa: Did you hook up the special reindeer like I asked?

Elf 38740452: Yes sir, that mean lady nearly killed me and tossed your wife down the garbage chute!

Santa: I figured as much, Sandy wasn't the brightest girl in the world but I do love her breasts.

Elf 38740452: She isn't dead yet sir, we can still recover her if you want.

Santa: Better not, she's spoiled now and besides, she can't freakin cook.

Elf 38740452: Yes sir. Also, Rogue Ice of Gnomania informs us that our work has been well recieved by the Master and that we are to proceed with phase two ASAP.

Santa: Excellent. Prepare the fighter jets then, we'll begin our attack shortly.

*Cut to: THE SLEIGH*

Zaia: So Santa is leader of the Elves, and the Elves are at war with the Gnomes, who woudl have guessed.

Fanboy: Umm yeah, about that, Santa's working with the gnomes. Yhose weapons? Those are going to the Gnomish forces,

Zaia: The hell? And why would Santa say otherwise?

Fanboy: He was probably just trying to get some ass. Say, there something wrong with these reindeer to you?

zaia: No, why?

Fanboy: They don't look like reindeer to me.

Zaia: Well what do they look like to you?

Fanboy: Well im no Zoologist, but they look like Gila monsters with little antlers glued on...

Zaia: We'', we are flying that's what matters.

Fanboy; No, there's a problem, you see Gila Monsters are not very good flying animals. Even the magical ones are too stupid to change course in an emergency.

Zaia: Like what sort of emergency.

*A missle from an approaching Fighter Jet barely misses Fanboy's head and explodes way in front of the Gila Monster Sled. Bullets begin zooming in as more jets attack.*

Fanboy: Well I would say this constitutes an emergency.

[haas mark]

Hmm... must read 4 parts that I missed another day...

~ver

[Darth Fanboy]

back from extended vacation, unintentionally huffing paint fumes right now which means another chapter could come up shortly.

[Captain Cyran]

About friggin time you posted another chapter. Cool with the Santa thing. Definately amusing.

[Zaia]

Zaia: at least I dont end up an invalid after one litte orgasm, bitch.

LOL

[Darth Fanboy]

"GNOME HUNTER - HIGHGUARD"

LEAP/SLIDE/CHANGE

PART II - "SLIDE"


As Fanboy and Zaia Braved teh Frozen North of the Gnomelands in order to reach the vaunted highguard they came across the secret lair of Santa Claus, Lord of the Elves. Fanboy and Zaia took refuge their after evading the troll Raoul Duke Jr but things fell trhough as Zaia discovered the horrible truth behind santas factories, that when they weren't making toys they were providing munitions for the Gnomish Armies! Also, Fanboy got a Sausage Massage From Mrs. claus, which Santa did not appreciate! After a brief battle in which Fanboy successfully beat the shit out of the overweight, badly aging, geriatric, beloved child icon AND stole his sleigh Santa has his elves pursuing in fighter jets in the Gname of the Gnomish Empire.

*A missle Streaks towards the sleigh, which is being pulled by retarded wombats instead of reindeer. fanboy fires a mind bullet and destroys it.*

Zaia: Damnit, how many of them are there?

Fanboy: I can't see, it's too damn dark!

Zaia: Can't you just do one of them big blaster thingys?

Fanboy: Not without frying the wombats and If I may add that fine ass you got there.

Zaia: Please, your sex drive has gotten us into more trouble than it was worth.

Fanboy: Oh get over it, you saw how nice those breasts were...

Zaia: They did look kissably soft...THAT"S NOT THE POINT!

Fanboy: INCOMING, AT NINE O CLOCK!

*An Elfin Jet Fighter streaks by the SLiegh, Zaia and Fanboy Duck just in time to evade gunfire*

Fanboy: That bastard just tried to kill me!

Zaia: Well damn it, someone call dick Tracy and tell him he's out of a job.

Fanboy: I am a master detective, heh.

Zaia: You sure are a DICK. (groans and mumbles about how come her characters gets all the shitty jokes)

Fanboy: Allrighty lets see, Oh here's one. (Begins to crackle with energy.

Zaia: YOu going to do anything with those sparks or are you going to sit there and glow for an hour like back in New Mexico.

Fanboy: Nah, that was all show, I got a better idea here.

*A jet Streaks by the sleigh on another target run, however Fanboy has created a magnetic field around himself which allows him to fly right towards the jet.*

Fanboy: Damn, Im glad I aint very bright!

*Fanboy is barely grasping onto the wing of the jet.*

ELF PILOT: This is Pointy Ear one to Control, come in Control

CONTROL: this is Control, whats your situation Pointy Ear One.

ELF PILOT: I think I got one of them, I'm getting back into formation and, sHIT!

*Fanboy is mooning the pilot through the canopy*

Fanboy: Shit, that's cold! I think my cheeks might be stuck!

Elf Pilot: Gah! Human Ass!

*Fanboy jumps off the Jet fighter and onto another, he plunges the boat oar into the anopy and pushes the pilots eject button, sending both pilot and fanboy higher into the sky, Fanboy lets go of the pilto and blast another jet with a mind bullet, while descending towards the ground he uses some of his levitation to divert towards the sleigh, which is still travelling slowly in the same direction thanks to the retarded wombat drivers.*

Fanboy: Hahah Muy intensity!

Zaia: wonderful, now what did that accomplish again.

Fanboy: Take a look for yourself babe! I don't see anymore fighters after us eh?

Zaia: Of course they aren't after us. THEYRE COMING sTRaight for us froM THE FrONT IDIOT!

Fanboy: Oh...

*A passing jet slams into fanboy's skull at supersonic speeds, is deflected off of his incredibly thick skull and goes spiraling out of control, a second fighter diverts at the last second and is caught by a blast from Zaia, who is in ultra pissed off mode.*

Fanboy: Umm, this ride go any faster?

Pissed Zaia: i dunno, if you think its going so slow why don't you get out and PUSH!

*Zaia shoves fanboy out of the Sleigh and he grasps on barely to the edge.*

Pissed but Amused Zaia: And youll stay there until we land this freaking thing, understand?

Fanboy: Can I keep my testicles?

Zaia: We'll see.

The battle between Santa Claus and Fanboy had stalled for now as the heroes miracuously evade the Fighters, but there are other heroes who are having a horrible horrible time.

The Black Mage Survivors, Kuja, Cyran, and nitram, have all been captured by the Gnomish Armies and are being held in the deep dark dungeons of Darf Garden Gnome's lair.

*The three mages are chained at the wrists and suspended off the ground, an anti magic field surrounds the cell.*

Cyran: (off key, very badly off key) Noboddddddy Knows, the TROUBLE i've SEEeeeeeeeeeen nobody Knows, MY SorrrrOOOWWW.

Kuja: Knock if off Cyran, Or I swear...

Cyran: Hah! What can you do to me all chained up like!

Kuja: Guard! The singing guy is trying to escape!

Cyran: NoooBODY KnOOoWS BUt...wha?

*Fifty Gnomish Redshirt soldiers unchain Cyran and stomp him to the ground, they continue to beat the living shite out of him with Gnome-Sticks for a coupel hours or s before re-chaining him*

Nitram: hah! Good One Kuja, guess this isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

*Gnomish REdshirt soldiers return and unchain Nitram*

Nitram: The hell?

Kuja: Where are you taking him?

*Rogue Ice emerges from the shadows*

RI: Greetings Mages, I trust you have suffered most greatly since being interred here? Yes?

Cyran: ah Yer just mad that I KICKED YOUR ASS in Des Moines.

RI: And Yet here you are chained up like a bad extra in an amateur bondage film while I point and laugh.

Cyran: I was young! I needed the Money!

RI: Not exactly what I meant but...yeah...

Kuja: What the hell are you doing to nitram!

Cyran: DOn't even bother scumbag, we'll never talk, Mages are impervious to interrogations!

RI: We'll we were considering torture!

Cyran: Agh! no torturing I'll talk I'll tell you anything1 I'll tell you where Kuja hides his naughty pictures of Anime Penis Women! I'll do anything!

RI: But Since ou have no information we need, his majesty has decided to put you up for sport in the arena!

Cyran: Like I said asshole, you won't get anything from us!

Kuja: If only I could slap my head right now.

RI: Don't worry, you'll all get your opportunites in the arena. Who knows, you might even have to fight each other!

Kuja: Promise?

*Rogue Ice walks away, while the REdshirt Soldiers drag off Nitram, who is incredibly pisse and worried but glad to be away from Kuja, who has begun farting.*

Cyran: Sweet mother of...Kuja what have you been eating!

Kuja: Listen my digestive system doesn't agree with the prison food okay?

Cyran: Disagree? It sounds like your butthole is leading a seventy six assaphone parade down your large intestine. Stop it okay?

Kuja: I ..Can't ...control ...it...(Farts)

Cyran: Umm, that sounded awful moist.

*meanwhile, the convoy of retarded wombats has reached its destination. A large glowing portal at the Earth's Zenith.*

Zaia: Wow, so do we like, go in?

Fanboy: I dunno, what do you do when you see something big beautiful and shiny?

Zaia: Date some rich guy until he buys it for me usually, then break it off before I actually hve to touch him.

Fanboy: ...I have no respect for you.

Zaia: WHat? You're the guy that goes around having unprotected sex with random skanks and bimbos just so you can slip away after you've turned their pelvic regions into the equivalent of a used moist towlette.

Fanboy: That's totally different, for reasons which I can't explain.

Zaia We'll the Wombats aren't stopping, so it looks like we're going through.

Fanboy: Ummm, hey didn't that Denryle say something about a guardian or something?

*The Sleigh is engulfed in a white flash of light, and suddenl Fanboy and Zaia stand alone on a plane of existence that can only be described as impossible by the standards of the universe as we know it. Sound physically manifested into matter, Vision became a state of being, time warped around without bearing or meaning. In the midst of all the chaos, fanboy summoned his inner psyche and was able to manifest a large floor.

the floorm endless in sight seemed to be made of shiny black obsidian, and in the middle was a simple door. tHe colours swirled around in the distance and overhead.*

Zaia: Wow. Just, fucking, wow. YOu made this floor?

Fanboy: no, I just uncovered it.

*Suddenly loud clanging footsteps are heard from behind, Fanboy and Zaia turn to see a nine foot tall behemoth covered in leather armour as well as black and white paint, hefting a mean looking guitar with a tongue like a serpent.*

Zaia: Gene Simmons?

POE: MaSTeR GeNe iS WoRKiNG oN HiS SoLo aLBuM.

Fanboy: So you're....

POE: THe NaMe iS Poe, aND You TWo aRe aBouT To Die......

*Suddenly the air ignited, the colours that once swirled in the distance were now engulfed in flame. the mosntrous Poe moved forward with suprising speed and Fanboy and Zaia barely dodged the attack. However the shockwave sent each of them backwards several feet.*

Zaia: Any Ideas?

Fanboy: I don't suppose you're willing to buckle down, get dirty and take one for the team?

Zaia: Even if that we're an option its likely id be torn in half before we made any progress, maybe if you try taking one for the team.

Fanboy: Nope, not an option.

Zaia: Oh, so when it comes to bodily violations of ME it's "Taking one for the team" but with you its not an option.

Fanboy: (smirks) duh.

POE: Sorry, I get enough tail as it is, right now I crave BLOOD!

Fanboy: Somehow I dont doubt that, the blood craving part that is, the first part im not so sure about.

Zaia: If you're done with your overly wordy and poor jokes you mind throwing a punch or something?


*Meanwhile, at the Gnomish Arena, Nitram is tossed into a Roman Colosseum-style arena full of combatants*


Nitram: Awright, who's first, bring it on!

*Nitram is immediately surrounded by several dozen Mutant Orcs wielding various Middle Ages Weapons*

Nitram: That's right, I will kick ALL of your asses at scrabble. Now put those weapons down and draw some tiles bitches!

ORC: RAGHGHAGRHAGRHAGRGKKJGKPHHTTT

Nitram: Oh 'sup bitch? you say Monopoly? fine I'll kick your ass at that too, I'm the thimble though, no one disrespects the thimble bitch!

ORC: RAR!

*The ORc swings a large battle axe, cutting Nitram's black mage hat in half.*

Nitram: Oh, ummm , eehh, heheheh, Yahtzee?

*the Orc lifts his sword high in the air and other orcs begin to attack, Nitram begins running like a frightened rabbit.*

Nitram: Things aren't looking good for our hero!

Will nitram escape the mad horde of orcs that want to grind him into iddy biddy bits? will Fanboy and Zaia be able to make it through that door before Wayne Poe eviscerates them? Will Kuja's gas cause Cyran to go into a seizure and die? Find out in the Conclusion of Gnome Hunter: HighGuard! PART III: CHANGE!

[Captain Cyran]

Hey I'm the brunt of the jokes... that's kinda cool. In a horrible way.

It was funny with the "Don't disrespect the power of the thimble."

[Kuja]

Hey I'm the brunt of the jokes... that's kinda cool. In a horrible way.

*farts*

[Mitth`raw`nuruodo]

Pretty good, but needs more me.

Uhh, when I get around to writing my gnomish tale, I might use some ideas from this story, but most of this will act as if it didn't exist. Just to let you know.

[Darth Fanboy]

"GNOME HUNTER - HIGHGUARD"

LEAP/SLIDE/CHANGE

PART III - "CHANGE"


The quest to end the Gnomish threat has been severely delayed. On their quest to reach the Highguard who know and tell all Fanboy and Zaia have been severely delayed by the powerful Guardian Wayne Poe. Meanwhile, the three black mages have been sentenced to fight in the arena for the sick and twisted pleasure of the Gnomes. To make matters worse, Kuja has flatulence.

*we see the arena, a large hollowed out cavern with thousands of seats and a rocky pit in the middle. the Black mage Nitram is running from a half dozen orcs hell bent on gutting him like a fish and using the entrails as dental floss.*

Nitram: SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! Where's Kuja and Cyran?

*down below*

Rye: Haha! Powerless Mages! Guards! Usher these fools into the Arena!

Mith: Yes, and strip them of their Black Mage Dresspheres.

Cyran: You can't do that! I've been wearing this hat for eight years straight! My hair will look nasty!

Rye: Boo Hoo!

Kuja: (Farts) Much better....

*Rye and Mith and the Guards suffocate on Kujas gas*

Cyran: Kuja you stinky bastard! You did it!

Kuja: Damn straight, now how do we get out of this place?

Cyran: Well if we want to save Nitram we need to go that way (points up), if we want to get out of here alive we should go that way (points left down a tunnel).

*The mages head down the tunnel, attempting to put as much ground between them and the arena as possible.*

Nitram: (while running from Orcs) You fuckers just wait! My buddies will be out here soo and the three of us are gonna kick all y'alls asses! (flashes black mage gang sign). I'm running out of breath! Where's Kuja and Cyran?

*Kuja and CYranhave made good distance down the tunnel, managing to evade most of the guards.*

Kuja: Dammit, I think i'm having one of those conscience crisis thingies.

Cyran: YOu want to go back for Nitram don't you?

Kuja: We'll yeah, he is our friend. I mean, He'd go back for me wouldn't he?

Cyran: Nope, in fact the other day he was telling me how much he didn't like you.

Kuja: WHAT?!?!?

Cyran: Yeah, in fact he specifically said "If im ever escaping a Gnomish Dungeon and he's stuck behind I wouldn't go back for that asshole at all!"

Kuja: Why should I believe you?

Cyran: Kooj, would I lie to you?

*Kuja begins sprinting back down the tunnel towards the arena. Cyran mutters to himself and reluctantly follows*

------

Poe: Lesson in Pain #1! If you stand still, the faster and more painless I will make your death!

*Poe's massive tonuge darts toward Zaia, she dodges but a large gash is made in the concrete floor. Fanboy attempts to counter with a toss of the boat oar but its countered by Poe, who catches it himself and tosses it back at Fanboy, who catches it and tosses it back at poe, who catches it and tosses it back at Fanboy, who catches it and tosses it at Zaia, who catches it and tosses it at Poe, who isn't expecting the attack from that angel and takes a hit to the chest. Its relatively light though, since aia throws like a girl and he is up within seconds.*

Poe: Ha! Nice try! Perhaps this might be more entertaining ...(pauses to emit a blast of Rock n Roll at Fanboy, who takes the hit and falls to the ground)...than I thought!

Fanboy: Pure unfiltered Rock n Roll, that energy isn't too far off from pure style. If I can just...

*Zaia attacks Poe with a charging atack and feigns A slap to the face, she goes for her patentend rotch kick, but he is unfazed.*

Zaia: The Hell?

Poe: This badass leather and paint comes with Titanium Alloy Cup my dear, great for stopping assassins thats pretend to be groupies.

Zaia: But how many groupies do you get here?

Fanboy: Zaia Duck!

*Zaia Ducks and Fanboy launches his attack, A rapid fire burst of mind bullets. Poe counters with another Rock N Roll blast. Fanboy takes the blast full on, but begins re channeling the energy, Fanboy then fires back a much larger Mind Bullet with the combined energies. Poe is flattened.*

Poe: Most Cool, Hey you're that Master of Style Aren't Ya?

Fanboy: Yub Yub!

*Poe stands up, relatively unhurt by the blast and Walks over to Fanboy*

Poe: The Lex Animata is expecting you. Just step trhough that door thingy over there and talk to the Avatars first.

Fanboy: Um, thank you?

Poe: No problem! Hey, when yer done with them Gnomes come back here and take over my job for me for awhile, you might have what it takes.

Zaia: Might? Lemme tell you something this guy can make explosions the size of atomic bombs with just the power of his mind!

Poe: Yeah, really? So can my little niece but you don't see her going around and bragging about it.

Zaia: REally?

Poe: Nah i'm just jerking your chain, but really you haven't seen power until you meet the Animata.

*Fanboy and Zaia walk through the mysterious door, Poe vanishes, Fanboy and Zaia are engulfed in Light once again, and emerge in a far different place. Cyran and Kuja meanwhile, have found there way into a very interesting chamber in the Gnomish underground*

Kuja: Whoa, I don't believe this?

Cyran: what is this place? The sign said "Armory" but all I see are a bunch of glowing shiny thingys.

Kuja: those are spheres, and look, they're all different. This gives me an idea, with the anti-magic field inhibiting our black mage abilities, we're going to have to load some of these things up if we want to save Nitram. Help me put these things in my Garment Grid.

Cyran: Garment Grid? Aren't those things for women?

Kuja; well, no,, men wear garments too.

Cyran: Kuja please tell me you aren't wearing satin panties under your robe.

Kuja: What? have you been peeking...I mean...that's not the point, come on haul some spheres.

Cyran: Shit now I know why you were so glad those women showed up at tthe castle awhile back, you just anted to raid their wardrobes didn't you.

Kuja: Eat me prick.

Cyran: yeah you'd like that wouldn't you!

Kuja: Fucker. (Grabs a sack and hauls a large amount of dresspheres with him)

Cyran: Aren't ya going to put them on your Girdle, Oh I mean grid?

*Cyran and Kuja sprint offf towards the arena with their new weapons, Nitram has been captured and is now tied up and being spaced over a BBQ spit*

Nitram: Kuja and Cyran, I wonder which one I will kill first? That is, assuming I can come back from the dead after these mongoloid bastards devour me and murder them both!

*We cut back to Zaia and Fanboy, who have just entered a large room that is pitch black save for the torches and a large central chamber where light radiates from a mysterious crystal in the middle.*

Fanboy: WHat a trip man! Reminds me of those first semesters at college when...

Zaia: Who the hell are those guys!

*Four cloaked Figures emerge from the blackness, swathed in dark robes fit for the dead.*

Fgalkin: The Chosen One Has Arrived.

NecronLord: His Coming Was Inevitable.

Keevan: The Time Has Come For The Inevitable Meeting With The Creator

Aerius: So Yesterday My Girlfriend brings over her entire Swim Team and they let me join in on a game of naked Twister, it was great! Then I....

Keevan: I told you we should have hired that RedImperator Guy! All this chump does is tell stories of how good his life is and....

NecronLord: Quit Bitching. Let's get this over with, i want to go get a Pirogi.

Fgalkin: When we four combine our powers the crystal in the room resonates, and the portal of Creation opens. Only then can you meet with the Lex Animata. The Eternal Creator of the Entire Universe that we know.

Zaia: You must be the four horsemen of the highguard, I've heard of you, didn't you four combine forces to defeat the gnomes in the last war?

Keevan: Well it was us and Olrik, but he resigned so that he could pursue his life's dream.

NecronLord: He's going to try and bicycle across the world, so far he's managed to cross treacherous jungles, deserts, and trhough the most hazardous storms possible.

Fgalkin: We haven't heard from him since his planned bike trip through Compton. But since he already resigned we had to hire someone else and we got this guy.

Aerius: So like ok, I'm at my yoga class and the instructor tells me I should try the ADVANCED class right? So I show up for the advanced class and its practically all supermodels in skin tight leotards, and then I....

Keevan: SHut the fuck up! Just stop, STOP!

Fanboy: Yeah, shut up!

Keevan: Quiet you.

*Fanboy Shuts up, Zaia walks towards the crystal, admiring it.*

Zaia: this is the crystal you're talking about, right?

NecronLord: When the Four Horsemen of the Highguard unite, the path will be made clear.

Fgalkin: Comrades, let us fulfill our obligation.

*The Four horsemen stand in opposite corners of the room,*

Keevan: But it won't work unless you close your eyes.

Aerius: the magic doesn't work unless you close your eyes.

*Fanboy and Zaia close their eyes.*

NecronLord: Now we will recite the spells.

*The four Horsemen begin chanting gibberish while Fgalkin runs quietly into another adjacent room and pulls a lever and presses a switch on the control pannel causing the overglorified disco ball of a crystal to glow. The Dimensional transporter in the cieling transports Zaia and Fanboy into the dimension of the Lex Animata.

Fanboy and Zaia open their eyes and they are awestruck as a large demonic figure sitting atop a throne of Skulls looms over them.*

Zaia: This must be the Lex Animata!

????: Nah, Actually I'm over here!

*Fanboy and Zaia turn to look in the direction of the voice, *

????: Hah, you guys like the statue? It's not as cool as my new Unicron toy but it keeps me entertained.

Fanboy: You're the Lex Animata?

????: Yep Yep, bet you never thought that the creator of the universe was an Asian-Canadian Webmaster with a penchant for science fiction and Transformers eh?

Fanboy: Well, no not really.

Mike Wong: Well relax, I'm only manifesting this form temporarily so I can communicate with you mortal humans.

Zaia: What do you usually look like?

Mike Wong: Snuffleupagus.

Zaia: Really?

Mike Wong: No. That's besides the point. Listen, I hear you two are going to go about defeating the Gnomes once and for all right?

Fanboy: That's right. We're going to finish what the highguard couldn't at the battle of atlantis.

Mike Wong: A Word to the wise, there's no way you're going to win unless you take out their leader. Make sure he dies.

Fanboy: Not a problem.

Mike Wong: Well it might be, see, I gotta keep the forum in balance eh?

Zaia: (laughs)

Mike Wong: WHat's all that laughing aboot?

Zaia: (laughs harder)

Mike Wong: What's all that laughing aboot eh?

Zaia: (Falls over clutching her sides)

Mike wong; Whatever, listen, I have to keep things in balance. By destroying such a large evil i'll have to destroy a large force of good in exchange.

Fanboy: I don;t see the problem, why don't we just kill a bunch of good guys then and then you can remove Darf Garden Gnome from existence.

Mike Wong: BEcause killing good people is bad, thus negating the dilemma.

Fanboy: Sounds like a plot device to me.

Mike Wong: That obvious eh? Well that's how it works I've got no control over it. owever if you are going to win you're going to need information on how to win.

Fanboy; That would help.

Mike Wong: Give me your boat oar.

*Fanboy Hands him the Boat Oar, Lex Animata raises it over his head and suddenly the oar is engulfed in light and becomes a hockey stick*

Mike Wong: This hockey stick is a far more powerful weapon, it is a holy weapon, imbued with the powers of all NHL players past and present.

Fanboy: Coooooooooool....

Mike Wong: As for the woman, i will grant her powers of endurance, so that she may endure heavy bleeding for nearly a week without death.

Fanboy: Ummm dude...she already does that...

Mike Wong: Oh yea, right, well Im stumped, ma'am what sort of super powers would you like?

Zaia: We'll, how about a Platinum Credit card that I'd never have to pay off..

Mike Wong: It is done.

Fanboy: Wow, (looks at holy weapon high powered hockey stick, then looks at credit card)

Zaia: Jealous?

FanboY: It's a very tought choice.

Mike Wong: You two have your powers now, I shall transport you back to the Earth.

Fanboy: THat's great Lex but One question, where you going to drop us?

Mike Wong: your vehicle still rests on the outkirts of Gnomish Territory. You will find that, travel to the bordertown of Hijinx and seek out warriors favorable to your cause. Then you can begin the endgame.

*In an instant, Zaia and Fanboy are transported to the Mustang, one of their ordeals now behind them*



END OF GNOME HUNTER: HIGHGUARD

STAY TUNED FOR- GNOME HUNTER: RAMIFICATIONS

[InnerBrat]

Bah, it was better when I was in it.

but.. teehee, Zaia throws like a girl...

[haas mark]

Heh.. Now I seriously need to read what I missed.. but I need to be awake to do so. >_>

~ver

[Ace Pace]

Nice one.... though the ??? was obvious (though I cracked a rib laughing)


any chance my gnomish general persona might come back from the dead? I am a gnome after all

[Captain Cyran]

Stupid Kuja... Always ruining my plans for survival with his "I've gotta go save him" bullshit. He's just trying to look good for the ladies.

Good chapter Fanboy. It got me laughing.

[Darth Fanboy]

Bah, it was better when I was in it.

but.. teehee, Zaia throws like a girl...

Well I was going to let your character live instead of Zaia's, but you don't titillate me as much. Plus i think you'd be less tolerant of my ignorant and sexist behaviour.

EDIT:

Please at least vote in the Fan Poll thread. It is going to be a huge factor in deciding who will win the POTENTIAL big death strugglebetween CYran and Kuja.

[Captain Cyran]

Bah, it was better when I was in it.

but.. teehee, Zaia throws like a girl...

Well I was going to let your character live instead of Zaia's, but you don't titillate me as much. Plus i think you'd be less tolerant of my ignorant and sexist behaviour.

EDIT:

Please at least vote in the Fan Poll thread. It is going to be a huge factor in deciding who will win the POTENTIAL big death strugglebetween CYran and Kuja.

Oh great.. Where is this poll?