SHORT FIC: The Death of Lord Voldemort

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-01-31 08:05pm

This came to me while I was running out for snacks tonight:

... Lord Voldemort spun about when he heard a small noise, and came face to face with a muggle dressed in black and dark blue. He quickly raised his wand. "Aveda ke..."

Voldemort never finished the phrase. While he was busy gesturing with his wand, the muggle's arm, a long, stocky wand in hand, came up as well, and a loud burst of flame lashed out from it. Fiery needles punched into Voldemort's chest, perforating his lungs and shattering his spine. He sank to his now-numb knees and strained to draw breath for one last spell.

"Cheeri-o, motherfucker." Another burst of gunfire shattered the skull and brains of the man who was once Tom Riddle.

"Hey, Scott, cleanup on Aisle Five." The SAS trooper swept down the hall, searching for more of these "Death Eater" fruitcakes that the Minster of Magic (what the fuck?) had briefed his squad about.

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2004-01-31 08:26pm

You should have used Hotaru Tomoe and the Can Opener of Doom instead

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2004-02-01 03:39am

Make more! I find it very satisfactory to see normal humans waste those pansy warlock bitches from that Pig PimpleZ school of magik.

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2004-02-01 10:39am

This is why in my fanfic Wizards robes are bulletproof.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2004-02-01 10:57am

2000AD wrote:This is why in my fanfic Wizards robes are bulletproof.

True, but voldemort, being the arrogant git that he his, would not think a Muggle coulc hurt him, and, therefore, forego body armor.

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2004-02-01 11:02am

I can just see the whole thing in my mind too

Time to go play some Raven Shield

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-02-01 11:07am

2000AD wrote:This is why in my fanfic Wizards robes are bulletproof.

For what reason? Guns aren't a typical threat in the wizarding world, so there's no reason for the average wizard to armor against them.

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2004-02-01 11:20am

Iceberg wrote:
2000AD wrote:This is why in my fanfic Wizards robes are bulletproof.
For what reason? Guns aren't a typical threat in the wizarding world, so there's no reason for the average wizard to armor against them.

So i can include certain characters without something like the above happening.

In a more logical sense you've got wizards who deal in Muggle Relations, they'll probably want some form of protection against things that don't give you a chance to wave your wand around and shout "protego" or whatever word it is.
Also you have those wizards that make the magic mushrooms for all the druggies, they definately don't want some rival drug dealer "pulling out their nine and busting a cap in their ass, yo!"

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-02-01 11:28am

Heckler und Koch MP5 >> The Killing Curse.

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2004-02-01 11:33am

Iceberg wrote:Heckler und Koch MP5 >> The Killing Curse.

That depends. if the MP5 hits it isn't a definate kill, unlike the killing curse. On top of that (some HAB member will proably correct me here) a bullet proof vest will stop a bullet, while it takes a metal fountain to stop the KC. As Crouch's son said the only defence against the KC is "constant vigilance!"

However i will give the MP5 the benefit that if the first bullet doesn't do the job you can probably hit the fool with 10 more before he can get another KC off if he misses.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2004-02-01 01:17pm

Knife missiles, you need knife missiles if you want it done right.

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-02-01 01:33pm

2000AD wrote:
Iceberg wrote:Heckler und Koch MP5 >> The Killing Curse.
That depends. if the MP5 hits it isn't a definate kill, unlike the killing curse. On top of that (some HAB member will proably correct me here) a bullet proof vest will stop a bullet, while it takes a metal fountain to stop the KC. As Crouch's son said the only defence against the KC is "constant vigilance!"

However i will give the MP5 the benefit that if the first bullet doesn't do the job you can probably hit the fool with 10 more before he can get another KC off if he misses.

Probably enough time to empty the clip, slap a new one in and empty that one - even Voldemort seems to need some time to "reset" after casting a spell.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2004-02-02 06:22am

Portable automatic grenade launcher.

Voldermont & Basilisk + PAGL = Pure unadultered carnage.

I'd buy tickets to see that!

Hmmm... do all wizards need to utter fancy latin words to cast their spells? Does that mean if I tear a wizard's lower jaw off, he will be totally impotent?

Admiral Vlademar: Your sig owns.

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2004-02-02 07:45am

Shroom Man 777 wrote: Hmmm... do all wizards need to utter fancy latin words to cast their spells? Does that mean if I tear a wizard's lower jaw off, he will be totally impotent?

Nope, as demonstrated by a death eater that had been silenced in Order of the Phoenix

TurboPhaser · Post by **TurboPhaser** » 2004-02-02 08:01am

I like it. I've always been irked by them wizards in HP thinking Muggles are all a bunch stupid idiots who has to 'compensate' for lack of magic with superior things, like electricity.

Honestly, chuck one cruise missile at Hogwarts, and what can they do? Zilch, zero, nada.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2004-02-02 09:21am

TurboPhaser wrote:I like it. I've always been irked by them wizards in HP thinking Muggles are all a bunch stupid idiots who has to 'compensate' for lack of magic with superior things, like electricity.

Honestly, chuck one cruise missile at Hogwarts, and what can they do? Zilch, zero, nada.

Precisely. And what can they do against an F-14 airstrike? Nothing. Against a fuel air explosive? They could shout a freeze spell, but they'd be dead before they could wave their little dildos.

TurboPhaser · Post by **TurboPhaser** » 2004-02-02 09:41am

Hehe, yup.

Idiot Wizard: Oh look! Up there! Whats that?
Smug Git Wizard: Oh that, its just a Muggle missile. Har har, bless them. They are so simple yet amusing.
Idiot Wizard: Oh no! Its coming this way! What do we do?
Smug Git Wizard: Yawn, don't panic. I'll stop it. *points stick* Stupefy!
Spell: Ping!
Missile: Ha!
Wizards: Crap.

Ka-blooey, castle is wiped out.

The End.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2004-02-02 09:49am

They could cause the missile's systems to shut down with those petrify spells, then the missile continues its fall and squishes the smug little pisser wizard and his pissy magikal manureZ.

Man, I hate magic.

Stupid basilisks, stupid phoenixes, stupid people, stupid house elves, stupid books which reincarnate dead evil wizards, stupid old farting headmasters, stupid giant hairy fat guy, stupid Pig PimpleZ school of magical manure. AGH!!!!

TurboPhaser · Post by **TurboPhaser** » 2004-02-02 09:55am

Hmm...........yeah.

And once done with Hogwarts, Muggles go on to wipe out all those wussy Death Eaters and such.

'Muggles don't have wands! How threatening could they be?'

Ergh, coughmachinegunscough.

PS, I added a new chapter to me fic.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2004-02-02 10:02am

I'll check it tomorrow....need sleep....no time....read ..tupidly addictive stuff......yer mom.......grrrawdad,llll.....

They call non-magic users moogles?! FUCK THAT'S DUMB! Is JK Rowlingingding a stupid ass shit who wants to send her mind into a make believe fantasy world with magic and such stupid shit and flying broomsticks and no technology and where tech is inferior to magic? CURSE HER!!!! CURSE HER TO HELL!!!! And now her demonic filth is spreading to our innocent children! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!! That progeny of Satan must be burnt in a hi-tech plasma barbecue grill.

BTW, there was this cool movie with magic, where some evil bitch had to retrieve some sacred item shit. Some old good guy shit hid it in an electronic hi-tech safe with a passowrd, said evil magician bitch couldn't open it and had to rely on normal men to open it.

I wish it would be like that. I'm sick of all these Fantasy shit gaining more publicity than good old Sci-Fi. Why do people like Fantasy so much? Why do they hate Sci-Fi? I mean, LOTR is great, but HARRY POTTER?! JESUS CHRIST!!!! The world is going upside down..... hell is freezing over.

We need a good sci-fi franchise to kick the teeth out of those Pig Pimple sorority boys.

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2004-02-02 02:07pm

Shroom Man 777 wrote:I'll check it tomorrow....need sleep....no time....read ..tupidly addictive stuff......yer mom.......grrrawdad,llll.....

WTF?

They call non-magic users moogles?! FUCK THAT'S DUMB! Is JK Rowlingingding a stupid ass shit who wants to send her mind into a make believe fantasy world with magic and such stupid shit and flying broomsticks and no technology and where tech is inferior to magic? CURSE HER!!!! CURSE HER TO HELL!!!! And now her demonic filth is spreading to our innocent children! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!! That progeny of Satan must be burnt in a hi-tech plasma barbecue grill.

The term is "muggles," which is not neccesarily perjorative.

BTW, there was this cool movie with magic, where some evil bitch had to retrieve some sacred item shit. Some old good guy shit hid it in an electronic hi-tech safe with a passowrd, said evil magician bitch couldn't open it and had to rely on normal men to open it.

OH NOES!!11!

I wish it would be like that. I'm sick of all these Fantasy shit gaining more publicity than good old Sci-Fi. Why do people like Fantasy so much? Why do they hate Sci-Fi? I mean, LOTR is great, but HARRY POTTER?! JESUS CHRIST!!!! The world is going upside down..... hell is freezing over.

OMG! Fantasy actually has marketshare! Crush it!

We need a good sci-fi franchise to kick the teeth out of those Pig Pimple sorority boys.

You know, there are quite a few people who enjoy the HP books on this board.

GySgt. Hartman · Post by **GySgt. Hartman** » 2004-02-02 03:16pm

Tech being inferior to Magic is just plain dumb, but can you say "combined forces"?

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-02-03 01:02am

SM777, what the shit are you smoking?

Cyborg Stan · Post by **Cyborg Stan** » 2004-02-03 01:08am

For some reason, it reminds me of this quote from Final Fantasy VII, by Cid :

Yeah, I understand. I understand that Materia is precious, and also understand what you're thinking. But listen. I don't give a rat's ass whether it's science or magical power. No, I guess if I had to choose, I'd rather put my money on the power of science. Humans who used to only roam around on the ground are able to fly now! And finally, we're about to go into outer space. Science is a "Power" created and developed by humans. And science just might be what saves this planet. I was able to earn my living thanks to science. So to me, there's nothing greater! Now quit your worrying 'bout what Shinra's gonna do! I don't want to regret not having done something later.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2004-02-05 08:09am

Cyborg Stan wrote:For some reason, it reminds me of this quote from Final Fantasy VII, by Cid :

Yeah, I understand. I understand that Materia is precious, and also understand what you're thinking. But listen. I don't give a rat's ass whether it's science or magical power. No, I guess if I had to choose, I'd rather put my money on the power of science. Humans who used to only roam around on the ground are able to fly now! And finally, we're about to go into outer space. Science is a "Power" created and developed by humans. And science just might be what saves this planet. I was able to earn my living thanks to science. So to me, there's nothing greater! Now quit your worrying 'bout what Shinra's gonna do! I don't want to regret not having done something later.

Loved that quote, was in my sig not long ago.