A Jedi in the Dominion. Chapter 10.

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A Jedi in the Dominion. Chapter 10.

Post by Gandalf »

Chapter 1
I wrote:Location: Outer Rim- Ekim system, ten years before A New Hope.

The sky was lit up, two starships were duelling. One was piloted by Kaldor Thann, a somewhat new Jedi Knight, low on experience, promoted to Jedi Knight mainly becasue of the few left after the purge began. The other piloted by several representatives of the Sator, a guild of bounty hunters. They were renowned throughout the underworlds of the galaxy, the only people to even compare to the Jedi Order in how much fear they inspired among low lifes.

It was most likely they were hired by the Emperor, part of his campaign of purging the galaxy of all who could oppose him. Between his newly recruited Stormtroopers, basically a cheap version of a Clonetroop, the Jedi who fell to the Dark Side and his new Imperial Starfleet. Not to mention Anakin Skywalker, now Darth Vader, the Emperors right hand man and known throughout the Empire as a ruthlessly loyal subject of the Emperor. The Jedi were dying fast. The Jedi Council building had been demolished, making any Jedi organised resistance much harder. The Holonets were monitored by COMPNOR agents.

"R3, prepare to jump to hyperspace, we won't last here much longer." The astromech droid bleeped in compliance. After a few seconds the calculations were done. Now it was just a matter of escaping the Sator. The battle was a stalemate, his Jedi starfighter had no weapons capable of breaching their shields, and his ship coupled with his Jedi reflexes and precognition kept him out of the line of fire of their modified transport.

The starfighter turned away from the battle, accelerating as fast as it could to get out of weapons range before the Sator's ship came about. It was too late, they turned before Kaldor could get away, a single turbolaser shot streaked toward him.

"R3, JUMP TO HYPERSPACE!" Kaldor screamed, his emotions getting the better of him. The familiar internal engine noise meant they were about to escape. It was in vain, the bolt hitting them as they jumped to hyperspace, the internal displays went haywire in the cockpit. There was some sort of spatial disturbance he was unable to identify, it looked like a hyperspace tunnel, but somehow not.

After a few seconds of confusion and utter bizarrity, he emerged from whatever it was he was in. Kaldor looked around, he didn't recognise any of the stars around him, R3 was also clearly confused.

The ship shuddered, it seemed the Sators had followed him through. Still firing. "R3, are we still capable of hyperspace?" He bleeped in the affirmative. "Excellent, get us out of here, just pick a star and go." Another set of bleeps. It seemed as though the Sator ship was damaged, it was leaking something. Whatever it was the weapons were deemingly not functioning anymore.

The ship entered hyperspace, the tunnel looked more familiar this time. The starfighter emerged from hyperspace. There was a small fleet of ships in front of him, looking like beetles, a design he was unfamiliar with. The comlink became active. "Unidentified vessel. You have entered Dominion territory. Please identify yourself."
"I am Jedi Knight Kaldor Thann. Who are you?"
"I am Konama, a Vorta representative. What is your business here?"
"I am a refugee from the Empire, I seek asylum."
There was a pause, he could feel the confusion fear and suspicion on the Dominion ship. "Very well, lower your shields and we will tractor you into a secure docking bay. We can discuss your problem and bid for asylum."
Sorry if the method of getting them to the Trekverse seems a little silly, it was all that occured to me.

Criticisms welcome.
Last edited by Gandalf on 2004-08-16 09:33am, edited 3 times in total.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by JME2 »

Not at all. Should prove interesting how a Vorta reacts to a Jedi, especially given the tele-kenesis that was shown only once ("The Jem'Hadar")
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Post by Gandalf »

JME2 wrote:Not at all. Should prove interesting how a Vorta reacts to a Jedi, especially given the tele-kenesis that was shown only once ("The Jem'Hadar")
I've finished chapter two.

I always took the Eris thing to mean that she was specifically bred for that trick.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Sceptre »

Well hurry up and post it!
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Post by Gandalf »

Chapter 2 Note: This is version one, the Special Edition is a few posts down. Read that instead.
I wrote:Location: Dominion Battlecruiser Docking Bay

The interior was very utilitarian, nothing unnecessary was there, like a military transport form the early days of the Clone Wars when the Jedi were valuable people in the Old Republic, and not enemies. Two large men with scaly skin and whan looked like small horns all over them entered the room. After them came a small man with a combination of arrogance and curiosity about him. Kaldor sensed it was the man he spoke with over the commlink.

"I am the Vorta Konama. Mr Thann was it?" Konama was clearly trying to be diplomatic.
"Yes" He replied, trying to keep his senses about him, ready should these large scaly men start shooting.
"Do not be alarmed by my guards, these are Jem' Hadar, soldiers of the Dominion. And might I say excellent ones at that." Kaldor nodded in greeting. The guards did nothing. "Do you require medical assistance?"
"No, I'm fine. Just a little shaken up."
"Very well. I'll take you to my quarters, it's the only place on the ship that has seating. Plus we can speak in privacy, with the exception of the guards of course."
"That sounds reasonable." It didn't seem like a good idea as he could sense thousands of soldiers like these two on the ship.
The two left the room, Kaldor was a little shocked to find a dozen soldiers surrounding the docking bay. Clearly they didn't trust him as much as their Vorta indicated.

The Vorta's quarters were sparse, but had what looked like a decent bed and some chairs with a table. The predominant colours were brown and grey. No windows, Kaldor estimated he was somewhere near the centre of the ship. A change of pace from the galaxy he was used to, where commanders had quarters with magnificent views. This made sense though. Why have a commander of a ship on the outside, especially because this appeared to be a small ship.

"Would you care for something to eat?" The Vorta asked smoothly, standing next to some sort of alcove in the wall.
"Yes, what do you have?"
"Not much I'm afraid, mostly things like rations, though we do have some soups in here. We rarely have non-core species on this ship."
"One of your soups will do fine."
"Very good." Konama pushed a few times on some display above the hole in the wall. As if by some magic, the food appeared in a small aura of light. Kaldor couldn't hide his amazement at what he had just saw. Konama recognised this.
"It's a food replicator." He said, "Derived form transporter technology."
"Transporter?" Kaldor again showing much curiosity.
"You've never heard of a transporter? How do you move large amounts of personnel to the ground?" Konama now showed confusion. This stranger from a far away place, who had, according to preliminary scans, a rather advanced ship, an engine that defied desription, and odd weapons systems.
"We use all manner of landing craft, one Acclamator class ship can hold some sixteen thousand passengers. It's quite something." Konama seemed amazed. He placed the soup on the table in front of Kaldor amd took a seat. He started to eat it hungrily, he'd not eaten in days. His field rations had run out, and couldn't risk going to colonies because of the price on his head. It was enough to make the most honest man call COMPNOR and be set up for life.
"Well the transporter, in effect, breaks your body down to a subatomic level, sends it to where you need to be and reassembles you in seconds." Kaldors shock was evident. "Quite painless I assure you." Konama tried to hold in a chuckle.
"If it's all the same I'll use my starfighter." Now Kaldor chuckled. "May I ask where this ship is headed?"
"We're heading to intercept a small group of Starfleet ships. Have you heard of them?"
"Can't say I have, unless you mean the Imperial Starfleet."
"Imperial? Can't say I've heard of them. Are they who pursued you through that wormhole?"
"No, that was a group of bounty hunters, hired by the Empire. They're apparently the best in the galaxy. Their ship is probably back where I appeared in this galaxy. If you check the database on my Astro droid you'll be able to locate that star system."
"Astro droid?"
"Yes, he's basically a navigator, holds the maps for the whole galaxy in him. Plus designations and other notes."
"The whole galaxy?"
"Well, the whole of my[/b] galaxy, we couldn't recognise anything here. No constellations or stars."
"What is the range on your ship?" Konama's curiosity was not subtle. Galaxy to galaxy movement was unheard of.
"150,000 light years, not terribly fast."
"Pardon? Is my translator malfunctioning? Did you say one hundred and fifty thousand light years?"
"Yes, like I said, not very effective, only a Class-One hyperdrive." Kaldor was confused at the wonder displayed on the Vorta's face. "I only made it here because some weapons fire reacted with my engines, creating a wormhole or something to that effect. But still, I can cross my galaxy in a matter of hours."
"Would you consider an exchange of technology?" Konama asked, seizing the opportunity with minimal subtlety.
"Possibly, what do you have?" He asked quizically.
"Genetic manipulation technology, polaron beam weapons, advanced industrial production methods, things you could take home."
"I may not go home, there's nothing for me except death or capture and torture." He replied glumly. "Is there work available somewhere here for a person like me?"
"Aside from your ship, what do you have to offer?"
"My force abilities."
"Force?"
"Kind of an energy field created by living things. Some persons are born with sensitivity to it. Allows us to manipulate the things around us, sometimes even the people."
"Would you favour me with an example?"
"Ok." Kaldor waved his hand, the bowl of soup, now emptied, lifted from the table. Konama was amazed and showed a little fear.
"Very impressive. I think we could find a job for you here, what would you like to do?"
"I'm akin to a peacemaker, a diplomat. I did odd jobs for the Republic. If any worlds caused a fuss we went and dealt with it. Sometimes with violence, sometimes with negotiations."
"We definitely have a job here for you. With our diplomatic corps, you could handle negotiations and such. Many people around do not appreciate the stability and order the Dominion brings to them." Kaldor said, trying to sweeten his voice and sound like a victim.
"Sounds like where I'm from, in the days of the Republic, we offered stability and protection. We too were attacked from thw outside, forcing us to reorganise our internal structure. It fell into the hands of a despotic madman. He brought his order, worlds who stepped out of line were destroyed."
"Rest assured we don't do that, we're a lot more peaceful than that."
"Where are you heading now?"
"We're intercepting a Federation allied fleet, recently they mined a wormhole that allows us contact with the rest of the Dominion. We're now an isolated outpost, only with the assistance of the Cardassians, we have been able to subsist. Thankfully some time ago, after a long and brutal war, they offered us haven. In return we used our military to push out the invaders. A race of barbarians who believed we were evil and dishonourable. The mining of the wormhole was the last straw, we had to take their nearby station, a Cardassian one at that. Now we're working to take down the minefield, to get economic aid. Federation engineer are tricky, Now the Federation has allied with the Klingons. We need good people now more than ever." Konama finished his speech. Allowing a second for it to sink into Kaldor.
"I'm well trianed in diplomacy, I could try to talk to them." The idea had clearly not been thought through.
"We're past negotiation right now. The only way to stop is if we destroy some of their central planets."

A low pitched beeping noise filled the room, startling the men. A gruff voice could be heard. "You are required on the bridge, the fleet commander wishes to discuss tactics."
"I'll be there momentarily. Konama out. Mr Thann, you may stay here while I conduct this." He handed Kaldor a PADD. "This contains information on the Federation, it's allies and some other things. See what you can make of it."
"Thankyou. I'll get right on it."
Last edited by Gandalf on 2004-02-25 02:40am, edited 2 times in total.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Sceptre »

Well that was fucking fast ... oh yeah I am an Admin and I have the power! :twisted:

Now to read!
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Post by Gandalf »

I would have posted it 5 hours ago, but my phone line was engaged.

Chapter 3 in a day or so.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Sceptre »

Gandalf wrote:I would have posted it 5 hours ago, but my phone line was engaged.

Chapter 3 in a day or so.
Blasphemy!

What you meant to say was; I ordered and you obeyed. 8)

Anywho, you moved the story a little too fast, you didn't quite establish that the Jedi knew that he was already in another galaxy in the first chapter, but by the second, when the Vorta mentions it, it is taken as common fact. Just a little dis-jointed.

Also there are a few typos in there.

But on the whole an interesting story.

Now to characterisation; is the Jedi a human? A Barbel? A Rodian? A Twi'lek? A Hutt? I assume human, but you didn't really mention it. Not that it matters in the ST universe, since they are all basically human with a little cosmetic on their nose, but it would do well to fill in some of the blanks.
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Post by Gandalf »

1. Sorry about the typos, I have a neuro-muscular problem, causes my hands to shake.

2. I thought the story went a bit too fast too. Now revising. Should be back in 30 mins.

Hail Sceptre!
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Sceptre »

Gandalf wrote:1. Sorry about the typos, I have a neuro-muscular problem, causes my hands to shake.
Shit mine don't ... I jsut can't spell! :P
2. I thought the story went a bit too fast too. Now revising. Should be back in 30 mins.

Hail Sceptre!
It did, but the premise is set up nicely, you discribed the Jem'hadar, but not the Jedi (which no one has seen since he is your creation). That's all. :P


And oh yes, hail me! :D
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Post by Stofsk »

It's good Gandalf, but the conversation between Kaldor and the Vorta seemed too "buddy-buddy" if you get my meaning - it's like both parties gave away a lot of information too quick, y'know? Kaldor brags about his fighter's speed, and the Vorta is like "sign here and we'll be best mates!" Perhaps something to think about?

Anyway it's aroused my curiosity. One question though: why do you post it in quote tags?
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Post by Gandalf »

Stofsk wrote:It's good Gandalf, but the conversation between Kaldor and the Vorta seemed too "buddy-buddy" if you get my meaning - it's like both parties gave away a lot of information too quick, y'know? Kaldor brags about his fighter's speed, and the Vorta is like "sign here and we'll be best mates!" Perhaps something to think about?
My thinking was that Kaldor was trying to show the Dominon, who he preceives to be somewhat good guys right now that he might be useful. Konama was jumping at the chance to get his technology.
Anyway it's aroused my curiosity. One question though: why do you post it in quote tags?
I do that so it stands out from the rest of my post. Also, I can get the top to say "I wrote." Bit of vanity there.


Chapter 2: Special Edition out soon!
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Stofsk »

Oh, by the way - if Kaldor survived, what are the chances that someone else did as well?
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Post by Gandalf »

Stofsk wrote:Oh, by the way - if Kaldor survived, what are the chances that someone else did as well?
Spoiler:Chapter 4...
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Gandalf »

Behold, the chapter 2 Special Edition!

If this is deemed worthy, I'll put it where the first version of C2 is now.
I wrote:Chapter 2

Location: Dominion Battlecruiser Docking Bay

Kaldor gazed arund the docking bay. The interior was very utilitarian, nothing unnecessary was there, like a military transport form the early days of the Clone Wars when the Jedi were valuable people in the Old Republic, and not enemies. Two large men with scaly skin and whan looked like small horns all over them entered the room. After them came a small man with a combination of arrogance and curiosity about him. Kaldor sensed it was the man he spoke with over the commlink. He was glad he locked the starfighter.

"I am the Vorta Konama. Mr Thann was it?" Konama was clearly trying to be diplomatic. But the human appearance of Thann was clearly confusing. No known humans had ships like this.
"Yes" He replied, trying to keep his senses about him, ready should these large scaly men start shooting.
"Do not be alarmed by my guards, these are Jem' Hadar, soldiers of the Dominion. And might I say excellent ones at that." Kaldor nodded in greeting. The guards did nothing. "Do you require medical assistance?"
"No, I'm fine. Just a little shaken up."
"Very well. I'll take you to my quarters, it's the only place on the ship that has seating. Plus we can speak in privacy, with the exception of the guards of course."
"That sounds reasonable." It didn't seem like a good idea as he could sense thousands of soldiers like these two on the ship.
The two left the room, Kaldor was a little shocked to find a dozen soldiers surrounding the docking bay. Clearly they didn't trust him as much as their Vorta indicated.

The Vorta's quarters were sparse, but had what looked like a decent bed and some chairs with a table. The predominant colours were brown and grey. No windows, Kaldor estimated he was somewhere near the centre of the ship. A change of pace from the galaxy he was used to, where commanders had quarters with magnificent views. This made sense though. Why have a commander of a ship on the outside, especially because this appeared to be a small ship.
"Would you care for something to eat?" The Vorta asked smoothly, standing next to some sort of alcove in the wall.
"Yes, what do you have?"
"Not much I'm afraid, mostly things like rations, though we do have some soups in here. We rarely have non-core species on this ship."
"One of your soups will do fine."
"Very good." Konama pushed a few times on some display above the hole in the wall. As if by some magic, the food appeared in a small aura of light. Kaldor couldn't hide his amazement at what he had just saw. Konama recognised this.
"It's a food replicator." He said, "Derived from transporter technology."
"Transporter?" Kaldor again showing much curiosity.
"You've never heard of a transporter? How do you move large amounts of personnel to the ground?" Konama now showed confusion. This stranger from a far away place, who had, according to preliminary scans, a rather advanced ship, an engine that defied desription, and odd weapons systems.
"We use all manner of landing craft." Konama seemed amazed. No-one used landing ships any more. He placed the soup on the table in front of Kaldor amd took a seat. He started to eat it hungrily, he'd not eaten in days. His field rations had run out, and couldn't risk going to colonies because of the price on his head. It was enough to make the most honest man call COMPNOR and be set up for life.
"Well the transporter, in effect, breaks your body down to a subatomic level, sends it to where you need to be and reassembles you in seconds." Kaldors shock was evident. "Quite painless I assure you." Konama tried to hold in a chuckle.
"If it's all the same I'll use my starfighter." Now Kaldor chuckled. "May I ask where this ship is headed?"
"We're heading to intercept a small group of Starfleet ships. Have you heard of them?"
"Can't say I have, unless you mean the Imperial Starfleet."
"Imperial? Can't say I've heard of them. Are they who pursued you through that wormhole?"
"No, that was a group of bounty hunters, hired by the Empire. They're apparently the best in the galaxy. Their ship is probably back where I appeared in this galaxy. If you check the database on my Astro droid you'll be able to locate that star system."
"Astro droid?"
"Yes, he's basically a navigator, holds the maps for the whole galaxy in him. Plus designations and other notes."
"The whole galaxy? What is the range on your ship?" Konama's curiosity was not subtle.
"One hundred and fifty thousand light years, not terribly fast."
"Pardon? Is my translator malfunctioning? Did you say one hundred and fifty thousand light years?"
"Yes, like I said, not very effective, only a Class-One hyperdrive." Kaldor was confused at the wonder displayed on the Vorta's face.
"Would you consider an exchange of technology?" Konama asked, seizing the opportunity with minimal subtlety.
"Possibly, what do you have?" He asked quizically.
"Genetic manipulation technology, polaron beam weapons, advanced industrial production methods, things you could take home." These technologies would be nothing compared to what could be gained by their speeds.
"I may not go home, there's nothing for me except death or capture and torture." He replied glumly. "Is there work available somewhere here for a person like me?"
"Aside from your ship, what do you have to offer?"
"My force abilities."
"Force?"
"Kind of an energy field created by living things. Some persons are born with sensitivity to it. With some training it allows us to manipulate the things around us, sometimes even the people."
"Would you favour me with an example?" Konama asked skeptically.
"Ok." Kaldor waved his hand, the bowl of soup, now emptied, lifted from the table. Konama was amazed and showed a little fear.
"Very impressive. I think we could find a job for you here, what would you like to do?"
"I'm akin to a peacemaker, a diplomat. I did odd jobs for the Republic. If any worlds caused a fuss we went and dealt with it. Sometimes with violence, sometimes with negotiations."
"We definitely have a job here for you. With our diplomatic corps, you could handle negotiations and such. Many people around do not appreciate the stability and order the Dominion brings to them." Konama said, trying to sweeten his voice and sound like a victim.
"Sounds like where I'm from, in the days of the Republic, we offered stability and protection. We too were attacked from thw outside, forcing us to reorganise our internal structure. It fell into the hands of a despotic madman. He brought his order, worlds who stepped out of line were destroyed. And he wiped out the Jedi, making them appear to be enemies of the state, time was there were thousands of us, now there are but a dozen."
"Rest assured we don't do that, we're a lot more peaceful than that."
"Where are you heading now?"
"We're intercepting a Federation allied fleet, recently they mined a wormhole that allows us contact with the rest of the Dominion. We're now an isolated outpost, only with the assistance of the Cardassians, we have been able to subsist. Thankfully some time ago, after a long and brutal war, they offered us haven. In return we used our military to push out the invaders. A race of barbarians who believed we were evil and dishonourable. The mining of the wormhole was the last straw, we had to take their nearby station, a Cardassian one at that. Now we're working to take down the minefield, to get economic aid. Federation engineer are tricky, Now the Federation has allied with the Klingons. We need good people now more than ever." Konama finished his speech. Allowing a second for it to sink into Kaldor.
"I'm well trained in diplomacy, I could try to talk with them." The idea had clearly not been thought through.
"We're past negotiation right now. The only way to stop is if we neutralise some of their central planets." The term neutralise was unsettling to him, the Jedi were to be 'neutralised' by the Emperor.
"Are you a human?" Konama quickly and opportunistically asked.
"Pardon?" Kaldor was clearly taken aback by the question.
"Humans. A very prolific species in the area, leaders of the Federation. You look remarkably like one. They have a habit of showing up where they don't belong, a truly chaotic species. They are very self serving. Like us, they share the ideals of unity with other species, co-existance and such. But most of their ships are populated with humans, they push their corrupt ideals onto every species they can find."

A low pitched beeping noise filled the room. "You are required on the bridge, the fleet commander wishes to discuss strategies."
"I'll be there momentarily. Konama out. Mr Thann, you may stay here while I conduct this." He handed him a PADD. "This contains biographical information on the Federation, it's allies and some other things. See what you can make of it."
"Thankyou." With that, the Vorta turned and started for the bridge.
Kaldor took a moment to reflect on the happenings, this Konama's motives were clearly different from what he'd been trying to convey.
Basically I showed some seeds of suspicion, set some more propaganda and tried to flesh out his backstory. Found a few speling errors and such, fixed them.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Peregrin Toker »

Looks good as far - however, I have difficulties judging the story as I only have access to the two first chapters... and I have never seen DS9.
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Post by consequences »

Hmm, would Jem'hadar set off that clone vibe thingy like the clones in Zahn's books?
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Post by Sceptre »

consequences wrote:Hmm, would Jem'hadar set off that clone vibe thingy like the clones in Zahn's books?
No. In the Thrawn trilogy it is explained that the resonance or 'vibe thingy' that Luke senses around the clones is due to the presense of such similar minds, indeed the same mind, so close together felt through the Force.

Thus, clearly, there would be no such resonance or 'vibe thingy' with the Jem'hadar as they demostrably lack brains.




:wink: :P
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Post by Gandalf »

Sceptre wrote:
consequences wrote:Hmm, would Jem'hadar set off that clone vibe thingy like the clones in Zahn's books?
No. In the Thrawn trilogy it is explained that the resonance or 'vibe thingy' that Luke senses around the clones is due to the presense of such similar minds, indeed the same mind, so close together felt through the Force.

Thus, clearly, there would be no such resonance or 'vibe thingy' with the Jem'hadar as they demostrably lack brains.




:wink: :P
I never thought the Jem' Hadar as clones, just creatures all custom bred. Note in One Little Ship they mention "alphas" were bred for combat in the AQ. And they all would be raised in the same environment with trianing, yet many are different.
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Post by Gandalf »

Peregrin Toker wrote:Looks good as far - however, I have difficulties judging the story as I only have access to the two first chapters... and I have never seen DS9.
I've only written that many.

It is rather DS9-centric.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by CaptainChewbacca »

I'm curious, what are Kaldor's force powers? Does he have Corran's energy absorbing? Kyp durron's telekinesis? Is he a lightsaber master? (I'm totally looking forward to him demonstrating this to the Jem'Hadar).

Spill it, and write more!
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Post by Gandalf »

CaptainChewbacca wrote:I'm curious, what are Kaldor's force powers? Does he have Corran's energy absorbing? Kyp durron's telekinesis? Is he a lightsaber master? (I'm totally looking forward to him demonstrating this to the Jem'Hadar).

Spill it, and write more!
Chapter 3 is underway, more focussed on the Dominion characters.

Spoiler:Chapter 4...
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Gandalf »

Chapter 3
I wrote:Location - Dominion Battlecruiser Bridge

The attitude on the bridge was one of calm, Jem' Hadar were always calm. Bred for battle, no emotions, no feelings. Just a state of permanent clarity, for they were living for the Founders and enacting their will. Konama strolled onto the bridge, pleased at the new ally he had procured.
His First approached him; "What of this 'Jedi'?"
"That is of no concern, rest assured though, I locked the door. How went the examination of his ship?"
"We couldn't examine anything."
"Why not?"
"It seems he locked it down, we couldn't open it, and it seems to be invulnerable to scanning equipment."
"Very well, when we get back to Mirak Nor we can have real scientists and engineers examine it." Konama said, sounding disppointed in the apparent lack of Jem' Hadar engineering ingenuity. One of the Jem' Hadar passed Konama his headset. He grabbed it wordlessly. A small beep meant the headset was now active.
"This is fleet commander Ghoren, form up. Attack formation 32."
"Very well." Konama heard the other Vorta agree as well.
"Konama, you will be on my right flank, Leevok, you take the left."
"Also, the ship we encountered..."
"What of it?" The fleet commander sounded impatient
"The pilot is a very unique individual, has the ability to manipulate things around him, apparently he can manipulate people as well."
"There's no time for that, time to engage the Federation in forty-five seconds."

The Federation fleet streaked out of warp, there were a few seconds between the arrival and the fleet forming up. As usual, the Federation formed a moving wall. The Dominion strategy was to have three attack wings, two flanking a lead one which was twice the size of others. The plan was to have the lead group break the Federation's formation, not hard becasue most of it's commanders were inexperienced. Once the formation was broken the Jem' Hadar and Cardassian ships would move in and attack the small groups that were left.

On the Starfleet lead ship USS Ming, the science officer, Lt. Nugent looked confused. "Captain, I have something here you might find interesting." The captain strided over, it was nice not to have yet another weapons conversation. "What is it Lieutenant?"
"I'm picking up a strange lifesign on one of the Dominon lead ships." He pointed to a spot on his display. "From what I can see, it's a human?"
"Human? There?"
"He's in the middle of the ship, might be a brig."
"Any chance of beaming him out?"
"We'll have to do some decent damage to the ship, and even then it will be something. Send a message to other ships near the area-"
"Sir, they've flooded the area with anieptilons, we can't communicate with anyone." The urgency in the Lieutanat's voice was evident.
"Damn it!" The captain was obviously frustrated. "Can we go after it ourselves?"
"Captain this is an Excelsior class ship, it would take three or four of us to even have a chance." The Lieutenant sounded hopeful. "I have an idea."
"Well come on, we have maybe a minute before we engage them."
"If we could tag the ship, with maybe a tachyon beam or something, it would incite other ships to scan them, and they'd find this human."
"Good thinking Mr. Nugent. Get right on it."
"Very well."
A beam came out of the ship, invisible to the human eye. It's effect on the Dominion ship was not. The shields lit up, creating what was effectively just a light show. It was now tagged for all sensors to see.

The Jem' Hadar at the tactical station spoke up. "The Federation ships are scanning us. It would appear that tachyon beam has us tagged."
"They've probably seen the human on board. Prepare to engage..."
Once reviews and edits are complete, C4 will appear.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"

- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin
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Post by Major Diarrhia »

Comments on Chapter 1

I don't know a lot about hyperdrive but for your consideration I submit this proposal. I think you should have the Jedi engage the drive but be pointing at a star several light years away. The enemy ship follows. They both hit the star a second later and it forms a wormhole as the hyper drives destabilize and interact with the hightened output of the unusual star.


Comments on Chapter 2

There is a spelling error in paragraph one, the second line, far right. "whan" isntead of "when". Although my screen is set to high resolution, the spacing may be a little different.

What do you mean by "non-core", is it actualy a Dominion term? I've forgotton far more DS9 than I remember of any of the other series.

"an engine that defied desription" would it though? Is it really so different from things we've seen in Trek. There've been about 15 different FTL methods of interstellar travel, several of which would allow for instant galactic crossing and other that would allow galactic crossing in either a couple of months or days of travel. Of course, these are things that the Federation encountered not the Dominion. Then again, the Dominion is supposed to be more advanced, so their theory should be more complete than the Federation's. one musn't forget their three lightyear range subspace transporters and neutronium doors.:D

"Well the transporter, in effect, breaks your body down to a subatomic level, sends it to where you need to be and reassembles you in seconds." It might be better to say that it breaks you down and reasembles you at your target, I don't think subatomic stuff has ever been specificaly mention? I think Riker's description was that it turns you into energy and reasembles you at the target. I can look for the quote if you like, although I think your description is fine.

"One hundred and fifty thousand light years, not terribly fast." This one confused me slightly. Is the "not terribly fast" an aside thing or is the range being confused with the speed? Maybe it should "One hundred and fifty thousand light years and not terribly fast." Another thing, since I'm lacking certain knowledge, is that range limited by fuel or is that how far it can go non-stop from point A to point B before having to stop? Sorry if it's a silly question.

With the mention of gene manipulation and Force abilities you got me thinking. The Dominion should isolate Force abilities for use in Jem'Hadar!

"We too were attacked from thw outside"

"Where are you heading now?" This was mentioned in the beginning of the chapter wasn't it?


Comments on Chapter 3

"No emotions" I thought they do have emotions, that they enjoy a good fight and can get angry or fustrated. But as you said, they are bred for battles, that calm and sence of duity overtakes everything in them almost all the time.

"it seems to be invulnerable to scanning equipment." Why?

"the Federation formed a moving wall." I don't think they've ever formed a wall. How long have the Federation and Dominion been fighting at this point?

"anieptilons" spelling error
Antilepton
Artificially generated by aliens. Antilepton interference may prevent communications. Antileptons actually exist, as a collective name for the antiparticles of leptons. DS9: "Emissary" - Gul Jasad's fleet flooded subspace with antilepton interference. It doesn't sound very plausible that on one hand the type of leptons can't be determined (or isn't worth mentioning), but on the other hand they would have to be be antiparticles. Interference would have to involve certain frequencies and certain particles.
"Can we go after it ourselves?" They're calling him an 'it'?:D

"tachyon beam or something" The "or something" doesn't inspire confidence in this plan.

Instead of tachyon (which can be any particle which travels faster than light) I think you should use a tetryon particle beam. It's more unusual and therefore more likely to cach the etention of the other ships, even though they don't normaly scan for it. It's also something that can be used for scanning (although Federation ships don't use). So it might go "If we could tag that ship with a tatryon beam it might incite the other ships to scan them, in order to detect the human."

General Comments
I'm liking this story quite a bit and like the forshadowing of the destruction of the Jedi's vehicle, since it will lead to a more character driven story. That's if I'm right of course. Still, it's starting off well and looks like this could get very interesting. I look forward to chapter 4. You should consider posting this at the spacebattles fanfiction forum http://kier.3dfrontier.com/forums/ . I think it might get a good response.
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Post by CaptainChewbacca »

I hope the droid makes it. SW stories are always better with a droid. And this Jedi, if he's good enough, could start training a few Federation Jedi, start a whole new order.

Imagine a Klingon or a Vulcan jedi. Vulcans were born to be jedi.
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